If Only I Could Disappear - Chapter 22

Finnier Rosewood thought about Sotis Marigold for a long time.

Even those that easily mocked Sotis had to admit that she had a gentle side.

Some said she was foolish. Some said that she was dull and frustrating. But none of them said that her choice was wrong. Her kindness was beyond ridicule. It was because they knew that even if they could easily mock her for her unrealistically excellent character, it couldn’t be easily imitated.

“The sun…”

“Fynn?”

“……Ah.”

Fynn muttered unconsciously, and came to her senses at the voice that was calling her.

“I thought you weren’t coming today, Your Majesty.”

“I missed you.”

Lies. Fynn smiled faintly.

“Why did you call for Sotis?”

She answered the emperor’s question nonchalantly.

“I heard that she’d woken up, and thought about meeting her. I asked her to rub my limbs because they were cold and numb, and she actually did it.”

“She doesn’t even have any sense of pride. Well, the empress has always been like that.”

Edmund sat beside Fynn and slowly rubbed her legs after kissing her red hair. Although his hands were warm, she could detect the scent of alcohol from him when he approached, so Fynn didn’t feel very good.

“Through this, she should know how miserable that position would become. At least she isn’t the type to criticise me or make ridiculous plans in my absence.”

“If she wasn’t such a great person, she would have followed the duke in using the Imperial family’s disgrace to vex me from a long time ago.”

“Right.”

As Fynn hid her limbs underneath a fluffy blanket, she added.

“Your Majesty, the Empress is uselessly affectionate and timid, so she’s unable to refuse my request. That’s why, if I kicked out a person that wouldn’t threaten me or Your Majesty, how ridiculous would I become?”

“……How did you know that I’ve been to the empress’ palace?”

“Because you knew that I’d called for Lady Sotis. I’m sure the maids in the empress’ palace told you so. I can also detect the scent of flowers from Your Majesty’s body.”

Edmund fell silent, and Fynn let out a soft sigh.

“I heard that she’d a woman that continued to work at the empress’ palace all this while because she doesn’t have as much courage as her father or younger sister. If she’d been bedridden for a month, she would be exhausted to the point of fainting if she took a break for a short period of time. Others would reproach me whenever I try to kick her out.”

“I thought that you didn’t care much about your public reputation.”

The imperial consort spared him a glance and rubbed his stomach.

“I don’t care about it as long as I’m not kicked out. But that isn’t the case for the baby that has yet to be born. Your Majesty, when my baby has been safely born, won’t you promise me to throw the birthday banquet and the empress’ enthronement ceremony at the same time?”

“Of course.”

Edmund smiled brightly.

“I’ll prepare the world’s most extravagant banquet without holding back on anything. My imperial consort.”

Edmund seemed to have paid attention to her when she said that her limbs were numb and tried to continue massaging, but Fynn refused in a roundabout manner, saying that she was tired and wanted to rest.

Although his hands were warm, he was heavy-handed, so her body was throbbed instead. He wasn’t attentive at all in this aspect. Still, it wasn’t too bad to watch his flustered appearance after hearing that she was with child.

After Edmund left the annex, Fynn curled up within the thick blanket like she was being buried.

The long winter has passed, but why was it so cold and empty? Now, she wouldn’t have to starve as there wasn’t anything she could eat, nor was there a shortage of clothes to wear, and nothing would be taken away. She wouldn’t have to spend the night curled up on the cold bare ground because she didn’t have a place to sleep.

She’d come to this place out of her own volition, but it felt like this place was made out of carved ice.

“Do you know?”

A voice, buried within the abyss, crept up alongside the silence and seemed to whisper to Fynn.

“Chaos leads to misfortune, and misfortune becomes chaos again upon maturation.”

Fynn tossed and turned, recalling the words she’d heard a long time ago. When her limbs were limited and her stomach rumbled wildly.

“Then, this brand of chaos brings about misfortune anew, and misfortune will continue to mature into chaos, and once again…….”

Those words were like an imprint upon Fynn’s soul.

“Misfortune has been amongst us since the beginning of mankind. No, it’s just one of the laws that pervades the world. Just like how a beast gives birth to their young, a child resembles their mother, and the imperial throne is handed down to blood relatives, misfortune will be passed down through the generations.”

“……I don’t want that.”

Fynn remembered the misfortune that followed her throughout her entire life. Unbeknownst to her, from some point onwards, even trying to separate herself from it felt exhausting, and now she seemed to be misfortune in itself.

When her existence was revealed to the world, confusion soon followed. People tried to despise, lust, or exploit Finnier Rosewood.

Only one person didn’t do so.

Sotis.

She was a ridiculously composed woman. Her soul, which was as deep as the sea, seemed to waver momentarily in the strong breeze, but she never displayed her true feelings. She returned the despicable people that would only wait for her to collapse from anger with calm silence and slight sympathy.

“Misfortune matures by swallowing people, and is eradicated through their hand. However, the human mind is quite weak in the face of temptation; it fears the darkness, so no one is able to cut off misfortune with their own hands.”

Fynn murmured again.

“You’re wrong.”

“People have to be like the sun. Think about it. Who can become the sun?”

Fynn’s shoulders curled inwards as she whispered.

“The sun exists in the imperial castle, Mother.”

There is a woman that resembles the sun that rises from the east at dawn. There is a person who has a burning sun that’s hot enough to dry up the vast sea. Fynn chanted that.

Even after an eclipse, the sun would never lose its brilliance. Sotis will be warm and radiant wherever she goes.

That’s why.

“……Please give me this one thing, Your Majesty.”

For me. For me, who had nothing.

As Fynn said that, she fell asleep.

* * *

For a while now, Edmund Lez Setton Mendez suffered from an incomprehensible frustration.

He also didn’t know when exactly it started. He could just keenly feel something, like congestion or nauseous feeling from an unknown cause weighing down on his chest. Strangely, his condition worsened over time, and finding an effective solution was impossible.

The only thing he was certain was his frustration worsened at the sight of Sotis, and even having the thought about her.

“……What an unhelpful woman.”

Edmund clicked his tongue and tried to blame Sotis, but he didn’t feel the slightest bit relieved. No, his irritation surged upwards instead. In the end, his fuming stopped. What the hell does he have to do?

Sotis, Sotis, Sotis.

He thought that divorce would free him from that boring name, but he gained the exact opposite. Even though the divorce happened easier than he’d expected, his thoughts kept progressing in a strange direction. He thought about Sotis all day long.

“Why do you hate me so much, Your Majesty?”

He was treated as someone that’s nasty.

“Now that the divorce has been decided, I’ll tell you this. I used to like you, Your Majesty.”

But she’d actually confessed her feelings for him.

She seemed to be saying that she would never collapse in that muddy stance. Then she seemed to criticise him, asking if he was really going to perish in such a place.

There were plenty of reasons for them to hate each other. There’s more than a hundred reasons why Sotis hated Edmund. Half of which might have been personally created by Edmund. Edmund acted like he couldn’t stand her, didn’t keep any of the promises he made to Sotis, and prayed that Sotis would give up as his cruel acts intensified.

But Sotis didn’t find any reason to dislike him, and so she endured, or at the very least showed him courtesy.

It was as if she was speaking in front of him.

I’m not like you.

Once, they had such a conversation.

“Since you’re the crown princess in name, your birthday can’t pass like that. Speak if there’s anything you want, Crown Princess. I’ll convey them to His Majesty the Emperor.”

At that time, wouldn’t Sotis have a lot to ask of Edmund? She could have asked for a fancy banquet to be prepared, so that her position in the Imperial Castle wouldn’t become ludicrous. She could have requested to wear a crown made of water-coloured jewels which resembles her eyes, a crown that was passed down through the imperial family for generations. If not, she could have asked him to pretend that they were on good terms for a day, or apologise for the abusive language that he’d been using towards her for the past few days…….

“Please call me by my name once, Your Highness.”

However, Sotis, who didn’t have any expectations, smiled like it was really fine.

As such, Edmund wanted to grab her and ask while shaking her.

Can a person really be like that?

Normally, she would try to avoid it when she’s being tormented by this kind of hostility. It’s similar to the principle of being startled and retreating after brushing against something hot. Normally, others wouldn’t do it again when the other party wasn’t appreciative of the good intentions that was given the first time round. Some would even hate the other party several more times.

But Sotis acted like she was completely unaware about things like that.

“Someday, please call my name once. With sincerity.”

He couldn’t.

He couldn’t bear to call her by her name. At those words, he thought that she would give a radiant smile, like her wish had been fulfilled. In that case, the things that had been amassing within his heart would collapse with an absurd sound.

Edmund didn’t know that he’d call out that name on the day they negotiated their divorce.

“You’re a truly useless woman.”

It was a lie. Truthfully, it was all thanks to Sotis that the Mendez Imperial family was unshakable. As she, who was smart and wise, became the empress, the imperial family’s disgrace grew faint in the Duke of Marigold’s mind.

Edmund also knew that he would have been even more troubled right now if she made up her mind to use that to her advantage. It’s purely because of Sotis’ generosity and kindness that that wasn’t the case.

Wouldn’t it be better if he kicked her out? If he kicked her out viciously, will he draw out the truth that she’d hidden in her heart, at the expense of angering her.

Or would she give that unique smile of hers, saying that he’d end up doing this someday?

“Don’t smile.”

Don’t smile with those eyes, which are on the verge of tears.

“Don’t smile, Sotis.”

Stop constantly appearing in my dreams.

He would rather she just despise him, instead of vanishing into thin air. She should secretly speak ill about his young child, get her revenge, and even if she didn’t do that, she ought to ridicule and despise him with a nasty gaze.

“Your Majesty.”

Whenever she called him, who hadn’t inherited Mendez’s blood, ‘Your Majesty’ with nonchalance and sincerity, he felt discomforted.

It was like she’s unaware that he’s a fake. Like she’s in the dark. No, as though knowing that fact wouldn’t change anything.

“I’ve never met anyone like you in my entire life.”

Edmund murmured as he clasped his head.

As her heart was transparent, he thought that it was a small lake, but when he fell within, it turned out to be as deep as the sea.

“……Come in, lord chamberlain.”

“Yes, Your Majesty.”

Edmund tapped his chest, which felt frustrated for no reason, and gave an order to his lord chamberlain.

“Go and investigate the person that the deposed Empress is close to.”

“You mean……the Wizard of Beatum?”

“Yes, Lehman Periwinkle. They have been rather close lately. Get it done as soon as possible.”

“……I thought that you weren’t very interested in Her Majesty Sotis, ahem, my apologies, in Lady Sotis.”

The lord chamberlain looked at Edmund, slightly astonished.

Even when she suddenly collapsed and didn’t regain consciousness for a month, he didn’t send a flower, let alone pay a visit. But he was suddenly expressing concern for her?

Edmund’s expression twisted like saying those words had hurt his pride.

“Enough with your questions and get out of here!”

Even if he had the intention to explain his reasoning, he didn’t think that he could explain it properly. The lord chamberlain bowed his head saying, “Understood,” and retreated flusteredly.

* * *