If Only I Could Disappear - Chapter 24

“This is what I was talking about earlier.”

“Happy memories, you said?”

Sotis leaned her upper body against the head of the bed, saying that she felt much better as her fever went down after a nap.

“Does Lady Sotis have something like that?”

“Hmm…”

The silence that returned was quite long. Sotis lowered her eyes and pondered for a moment, before smiling bitterly.

“If I say that I don’t have many, will I appear to be too shabby?”

“……How is that Lady Sotis’s fault? Have I asked a question I shouldn’t?”

Come to think of it, Sotis was internally decided as the future empress when she was very young. Before she was enthroned as the crown princess, the Duke of Marigold, who’d intended to solidify his political position through this marriage, would have educated her very harshly and strictly. His financial problems were solved with Cheryl’s marriage, and everything that remained was fulfilled by Sotis.

Be it economics, politics, diplomacy, law, magic theory, or practising standing upright the entire day in uncomfortable shoes, practising drinking tea gracefully in a dress, horseback riding, dancing, speaking…

In order to learn all of that, a day wasn’t even enough, and Sotis’ childhood passed by before she could enjoy anything.

“No.”

She said with a slight smile.

“When the Marigold Duchy’s mansion was a little further away from the Imperial capital… I mean, it’s a place that isn’t really used as a villa since we’ve moved away. It’s a place where you have to ride a carriage for three hours from here… There are really pretty white flowers blooming in the backyard like millets. I enjoyed taking a breather while looking at those flowers. I have never seen it since I came to the imperial capital. Since it’s a flower that bloomed from weeds, no one has ever purposefully grown them.”

Lehman replied impulsively.

“…May I go there? You might feel better if you look at those flowers.”

“A small flower that I don’t even know the name of? It’s too much work for a moment of joy.”

“That momentary joy and those small memories can stop a person from falling apart occasionally. As long as it’s for Lady Sotis’ sake, that wouldn’t be anything hard.”

“Just hearing you say this gives me another happy memory.”

Sotis said quietly, her hands neatly clasped on the blanket.

“It wasn’t like my past was only filled with unhappy moments. However, even if I think of something happy and peaceful, I’m unable to feel the unadulterated joy of that moment again. As those moments are pushed into the past over the course of time, the joy turns into longing. It’s harder for me presently.”

If you are unable to bring up the precious happiness of the past when you are unhappy, what do you look at to continue enduring? A human’s heart wasn’t like steel, so it wouldn’t be able to endure everything in that manner.

Lehman asked, slightly astonished.

“……Does longing for the past hold back people?”

“That’s often the case. A happy past will make you look back, Lehman. Oftentimes, people are focused on themselves and forget that they have a long road left to travel.”

“Then what will you do, Lady Sotis?”

Sotis, who fell silent for a while, replied with a faint smile.

“Lord wizard, I would like to see the sea.”

“…….”

Lehman imagined Sotis standing on the beach.

A woven straw hat that came down to her shoulders, loosely braided purple hair fluttering in the breeze. He naturally imagined her walking barefoot on the sandy beach with a hat in one hand, a billowing skirt or a pair of shoes in the other.

Should he laugh, saying that the sea breeze smells salty? Or should he say that the stinging sensation of grazing his toes on with broken seashells felt rather peculiar?

Sotis’ words gently brought Lehman into the next imagination.

“At the festival of a small village that’s against a forest, I want to share the beer in a big barrel with everyone. I want to sit by the fire and grill sweet potatoes, which makes my cheeks burn red. I want to chat with people I’m close to without reservation, and make up after arguing about trifles. To decide on who would go to the well tomorrow while playing a game of dice.”

What kind of worries would Sotis have then? She’d have to wash the blankets tomorrow, will it rain? In a few days time, should  she go into the mountains and pick some mushrooms? It might be those kinds of worries. It’s very trivial and cozy, the kind where she’d laugh unknowingly.

“Actually, I wanted to be the empress, but I also didn’t want to be the empress. I wanted this position because I loved His Majesty Edmund, but… From some point onwards, I knew that it only made me sad. I knew, but I couldn’t let go of my emotions easily. After all, I’m still staying at the Empress’ Palace…”

“…….”

“One day, I will lead a life of constantly watching, wondering, understanding, and loving someone. I wanted to exchange feelings of equal weight with him. That’s how I knew. There’s no space for His Majesty there, and even if there was, His Majesty didn’t intend to come in. So I thought I should sort out these feelings one day. It was more sorrowful than I’d expected, and I’d even felt that giving up on everything would be more comfortable.”

Nevertheless, Sotis eventually overcame it. She was dangling by a thread, but she managed to stand up again, and eventually decided to work hard for her own happiness.

She may be slow, but she was honest. Lehman knew that this was the strongest power a human’s soul could have.

“So it was hope that moved Lady Sotis.”

Lehman spoke with admiration.

“Looking forward will make you incomparably strong. So…… even if your deep sorrow caught up with you, you can still shine endlessly.”

“Do you have to describe it like it’s that grand? All I did was have a political marriage, and I wasn’t able to properly leave that position. As such, I’m a woman that has to shoulder the things that others wouldn’t do and say that I want to leave.”

“But you didn’t resent anyone.”

“……”

“I’ve never seen anyone like Lady Sotis.”

It was a precious heart that couldn’t be bought with money, and the way she insisted on wandering ahead aimlessly was like a dandelion seed.

“……But, please don’t suddenly leave.”

He spoke, suddenly becoming uneasy.

“What I mean was, didn’t you call me while you’re still the Empress? Now… In order to solve this problem, you’ve invited me as a personal guest, and asked me to stay, but… If you leave the Imperial capital after you’re completely free, I don’t have a reason to meet you outside.”

Sotis looked up at Lehman’s face.

It was quite strange. This man, who wasn’t thirty yet and was slightly younger than her, who was twenty eight, looked like a boy at times like this. She wasn’t too sure as she had never received a gaze like that, but now she seemed to understand the meaning behind his gaze.

His gaze showed that he yearned for her warmth. It was a look asking to remain by his side.

He wasn’t someone that didn’t have a place to return to or no one to rely on. He was a prominent wizard in the Kingdom of Beatum and master of the Magic Tower. Although much about Beatum was veiled in secrecy, it wasn’t difficult to see that it had great social standing.

Sotis wondered why such a Lehman remained by her side until she put the past behind her. This type of kindness, him being willing to bring her some unknown flowers just for her happiness, was so unfamiliar.

As such, Sotis asked impulsively. Without even knowing Lehman’s feelings as he offered to bring her flowers was very actually similar to her currently.

“Lord wizard, why do you like me so much?”

Lehman’s face turned completely red.

“A—about the confession, please pretend you didn’t hear it…”

“B—but that’s…”

Sotis’ cheeks also turned red as he became flustered.

“I’m sorry. I’m just curious…”

“……if there was a reason, it would become logical or theoretical. Why did you like His Majesty Edmund, Lady Sotis.”

“That’s because…”

Come to think of it, it was true. Sotis only understood Lehman after she heard those words.

There’s no rationality as to why someone fell in love. Just like how Sotis liked Edmund for no particular reason. Just like how she managed to continue enduring it here, even as her feelings became worn out and cold. Like how she couldn’t hate him, even though she thought that she didn’t want to love him anymore.

Like how there wasn’t any particular reason to love someone, even though there were various reasons for her not to.

Just as Sotis loved Edmund that much, Lehman also had that much love for Sotis. It wasn’t purely out of gratitude for the kindness that she’d given him a long time ago. Sotis didn’t know him, to the point where she couldn’t even distinguish those kinds of feelings.

That’s why it was even more fascinating.

Never in her entire life had she thought that anyone would like her for no particular reason. While the ladies-in-waiting in the empress’ palace and Marianne were kind, friendship and love weren’t the same.

So even if she was useless, there would be someone that loves her.

“……If only I could meet someone like you.”

Sotis’ small whisper caused Lehman to choke.

Lehman wanted to kneel on the floor, kiss the back of her hand and implore. Whether it’s an impulse, sympathy or curiosity, to please look at him. He was different from the heartless man that had only hurt her all her life. To make her smile for a few seconds, he was willing to travel in a carriage for six hours to pick some wild flowers.

But he remained silent. He didn’t want to sway her heart, which she’d barely managed to compose, in any way. He was well aware that what she needed most was peace and rest.

It was the first time his heart hurt so much when he saw a certain someone. The first time he saw the translucent woman that sat by the window, the world seemed to stop. When he found out that she was his benefactor who’d saved him a long time ago, she could even pray with tears in his eyes, thanking God. To the point where he wanted to confess that he liked her because she’s his benefactor.

Even if he had to wait for a long time with his one-sided feelings, it was alright.

Sotis Marigold was just like a small spring flower that bloomed under the warmest sunrays, and just looking at her made him feel happy.

He’d never felt this way in his entire life. He didn’t even know that he could have such feelings. For Lehman Periwinkle, who’d never experienced a love that shook his soul, Sotis was an unprecedented surprise.

Of course, the person in question might not even realise this at all.

“I will respect your wishes.”

“……”

“Please sleep a little more, Lady Sotis. It’s late, and it would be discourteous of me to stay any longer, so I’ll come back tomorrow. If that’s fine with you, may I do that?”

“……If you come too early, you might only be able to watch me sleep.”

“I’d like that, too, but I shouldn’t watch a lady thoughtlessly, so I’ll come again around noon.”

Sotis smiled, pretending that she didn’t know Lehman’s cheeks were red.

“Sweet dreams, Lehman.”

* * *