If Only I Could Disappear - Chapter 28

“Do you like the Lord wizard?”

Sotis’ face turned red at the question from Marianne Rosewood. The pansies that she’d cultivated in the garden didn’t seem redder than the flush of her cheeks.

As Sotis hesitated and was unable to respond, Marianne added mischievously.

“The Lord wizard likes Sotis a lot.”

“……don’t say things like that at other places, Marianne. I’m afraid that others will hear you.”

“So what if they heard me? Did I say something wrong? Honestly speaking, given Lady Sotis’ character, it’s much more natural for them to like you than to hate you. Though I don’t know if it’s because you’ve been exposed to someone like His Majesty Edmund for a long time, a response like Lord Lehman is considered quite normal.”

Marianne pouted.

“Anyways, you’re already divorced, so what’s wrong about seeing another man? Even if you didn’t get divorced, the same applies.”

“I don’t know what you’re expecting, but it’s not like that.”

Sotis spoke in a gentle yet determined voice.

“I don’t want to give others a pretext to make a mockery of the imperial family, and I don’t wish to make things difficult for Lord Lehman.”

“I don’t know why Lady Sotis has to be careful, but…”

“It’s because it’s much easier for me to be cautious. Besides, right now, I’ve become exhausted when it comes to liking another person.”

Sotis recalled her heart, which had slowly withered and turned into a wasteland, while she loved Edmund. Rather than love, willpower, sincerity, or unilateral loyalty were the things that caused her feelings to last.

As it was the only time she’d ever experienced love, Sotis doesn’t know another way of loving, and she didn’t even have the confidence to meet another person and exchange different feelings.

She was already tired of something like love. Sotis sighed internally and shook her head. What she currently needed wasn’t that fickle and passionate feeling.

“But I know that Lehman is a good person.”

Although Marianne had a frustrated look on her face, Sotis tried her best to feign ignorance and continued speaking.

“At least I can tell that he’s someone reliable. I find that he has a decent character too.”

“Have you both become close enough to even notice his character without my realisation?”

“Well… it’s similar. We talked a lot when I was in the form of my soul.”

“That’s not fair! You’ve kept things from me ever since you’ve become the empress!”

“I’m not saying that we talked a lot about matters concerning me…”

Sotis quibbled with a smile.

Lehman Periwinkle was a good man. It wasn’t just because he held a favourable opinion of her.

Edmund’s conjecture was probably true. Lehman has fulfilled the conditions to become a Great Wizard, but he wouldn’t have made it public.

She didn’t have any definite basis, but she was certain. It was a kind of intuition. The conviction that came to Sotis in such a manner was rarely wrong. Lehman’s gaze and his attitude seemed to be telling Sotis. What she’d seen wasn’t everything.

His true ability was hidden behind a mysterious veil.

But it was fine. That didn’t make him insidious, but it made him seem reassuring. The fact that she wasn’t familiar with Lehman Periwinkle didn’t make her feel uneasy.

It’s because he wouldn’t abuse that strong power. If it weren’t someone like him, they wouldn’t have remained in Mendez out of pure goodwill.

“No matter what, he’s a good person. At least I believe that someone like him will make the world a better place.”

“That’s what I want to say to Lady Sotis.”

The end of Marianne’s eyebrows lowered slightly as she spoke.

“How do you do this? I wonder if I’m dreaming whenever I see it. If I were you, I’d never be able to stay here and complete the rest of the work after being divorced in such a unilateral way. No, in the first palace, I wouldn’t have lasted as long as you did. My anger wouldn’t have dissipated if I couldn’t hold onto anything and resent it.”

“……Even so……a kind intention might return back in the form of another kind intention someday. Perhaps this is my own way of venting my anger. After doing all that I can, I’ll only do the things that I really want to do… And live for my own sake.”

Sotis nodded and spoke like she was vowing to herself.

“This is also for my own satisfaction. I’m looking forward to it. Instead of sitting in this small empress’ palace and reading words, I’ll have the opportunity to encounter the real world, bump into it, and take care of big and small problems. So it’s fine. If I think of it as a process for me to improve…”

“Honestly…”

Marianne suddenly pounced at Sotis and pulled her into a hug.

“Don’t go with Lord Lehman and live with me instead!”

“W—what’s wrong with you, Marianne? Don’t you have a fiancé?”

“I don’t like him. I have high standards! My father, honestly! It’s enough that his illegitimate daughter became an imperial consort, but he just had to marry me off too! Ugh, I don’t want to! I want to end my life as a free artist!”

“Ahaha. Anyways, I will definitely leave the imperial capital.”

“Then…”

The chattering women quietened down like it was promised upon, looked at the other’s eyes, and eventually let out a deep sigh without anyone saying anything first.

In that case, it would require Edmund’s permission.

What on earth was he thinking, that heartless emperor.

* * *

What if Sotis Marigold liked Lehman Periwinkle?

Edmund Lez Setton Mendez kept holding onto that single question for a long period of time, without realising how absurd it was for him to have such worries.

“Your Majesty. Forcing Sotis to remain can turn into a flaw of the imperial family. It’s not like she’s going out secretly… Isn’t she going to solve a domestic problem with a distinguished guest?”

Sotis had always accepted everything, no matter how unfair it was and how he constantly reneged on his promises. Her sole reaction was just to bow her head and say, “I see, Your Majesty.”

Sotis Marigold has changed. As though she was reborn.

“……I didn’t expect a report to be made to the nobility council.”

Normally, she was reluctant to borrow her father’s hand.

It was a rather unfamiliar change. Edmund stroked his chin as he pondered over it. Although he said that he would consider it because he wasn’t willing to surrender on the spot, in fact, he was quite dissatisfied from the moment such an agenda was raised.

The lord chamberlain was right. It’s not like he had any justification to lock her up. In this incident, the loss outweighs the gains, and all he had to do was allow her to enter and exit the imperial castle moderately for her to get what she wanted. It was also in Edmund’s favour to have Sotis handle the state affairs that Fynn had put off.

But why did he hate it so much? What was it that made it seem so unsatisfactory?

He felt frustrated by the unknown emotions that seemed to be understandable, but was unnamed.

Just then, there was a knock from outside the door.

“Your Majesty, Lady Sotis is here.”

Edmund blinked several times. Did he hear wrongly?

“……What?”

“Lady Sotis Marigold wishes to meet Your Majesty.”

Sotis came to the emperor’s bedroom. It’s been more than two hours since sunset. The visit was rather baffling.

Instead of answering, Edmund jumped up. When he opened the door in one swift movement, Sotis was standing quietly and waiting for Edmund, just as the attendant had mentioned.

“……”

That evoked a scene that he’d witnessed before.

Sotis was in a white and modest dress, with her dawn-coloured hair loosely braided and adorned with small flowers. She held the remaining flowers in a small bundle, and the flowers seemed to be ones that bloomed in the garden of the empress’ palace.

“Why are you here?”

She looked down at her toes habitually, before raising her head again.

“……Please grant me permission to leave the imperial castle tomorrow.”

Edmund replied reflexively.

“What about Lehman Periwinkle?”

“He has to accompany me. There’s no point in me going out by myself.”

“Then there wasn’t a need for you to relay a report for a meaningless outing. Isn’t it true that many people have wasted their time because of you?

Sotis took a deep breath and answered in a calm voice.

“Please don’t delay public affairs because of your personal feelings, Your Majesty. The Mendez Empire is in chaos, and the people are in desperate need of help. It might be a matter of mood for Your Majesty, but it’s a matter of life and death for them.”

“Since when did you care so much for the people?”

She lowered her gaze and smiled. It was an attitude that conveyed how sad and upsetting it was for her to hear such a question.

“From the very beginning.”

“…….”

“Always, Your Majesty. From the first time I heard that I’d be the crown princess, thus I had to have the qualifications. It was my duty to love the people, and it was the thing that gave me great joy. Your Majesty would never believe this, but I have always been like this.”

“…….”

“Previously, I ran away, and was unable to say anything.”

Only then did Edmund look down at Sotis’ white dress.

He thought that he’d seen it before somewhere, it seemed to be the outfit she’d worn when she came to his bedroom for the first and last time. It was the only time she’d proved that it was his misconception that she would never have the courage to go to the emperor’s bedroom in the middle of the night.

That day, Edmund was sleeping with Fynn, and despite knowing what had Sotis come for, he didn’t want to listen. He didn’t intend to agree, so he thought that it was meaningless for them to meet.

Anyways, he was bent on turning Fynn into an imperial consort, and he found it absurd that Sotis would appear in front of the delegation as the empress, because it felt like she was keeping Fynn in check.

At that time, she would flee tearfully if he’d mocked her appropriately.

“You’ve changed.”

At Edmund’s mutter, Sotis smiled quietly.

“Yes, Your Majesty. I’ve changed. I’m going to continue changing.”

“Why did you suddenly become like this?”

“I don’t know…… Is the trigger important?”

Sotis’ limpid water-coloured eyes looked up at Edmund.

“Whatever it was, it’s neither because of Your Majesty, nor for Your Majesty’s sake, so please don’t worry. I’ll help the imperial family and disappear when you no longer need me. Perfectly, from Your Majesty’s life. Just like what Your Majesty has longed for.”

Edmund’s lips opened and closed, while his brows furrowed.

He must have gone mad. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have wanted to deny those words on an impulse.

Unaware that he was wavering internally in a way that put him in a bad mood, Sotis continued.

“Even though I knew that we can’t be together, I chose not to change on purpose. That was the only way I could stay by Your Majesty’s side.”

But she changed. It was a choice she’d made.

“Now, as long as I change and leave Your Majesty’s side, we’ll be able to find our original positions again…”

Sotis’ voice grew smaller and smaller, and ended up sounding like the whisper of the wind.

“Your Majesty, please don’t change.”

A faint breeze blew past them, irritating Edmund. He didn’t even know why he was upset. It didn’t make sense for her to suddenly leave her position, she, who had remained in place like perennial grass, like a deeply rooted tree.

He’d always thought that he had to dig out that tree he hated, but he never thought that that tree would leave on its own.

Even though it was the result he’d hoped for a long time, he still felt slightly bewildered and strange.

“Could it be that you’re in love?”

That man. That wizard. That man, who she’d only known for a few days, who possessed eyes which didn’t even look like a human being. An insidious person that hides the fact that he might be a Great Wizard and pretends to be unaware, pretends to be nothing while smiling.

She, who was ignorant about everything and could only rely on him, has another she holds affections for?

Sotis tried to deny it. Just like the conversation she had with Edmund a few days ago, she tried to say that she has no reason to make a mockery of the imperial family with such feelings, and that it was all for the Mendez Empire’s sake.

But did his sudden appearance cause her impulse to light up like a spark?

For the first time, Sotis responded there and then, which was unlike her.

“Would you believe me if I said that was the case?”

“What…”

“If I have to love someone in the future, it will never be His Majesty Edmund. But there’s no reason why it can’t be Lord Lehman.”

Thump.

The moment she said those words, Sotis felt her own heart tremble.

It wasn’t the feeling of frustration she felt when she made a mistake, the anxiety she experienced whenever she saw Edmund’s angered face, or the unparalleled misery she felt at her own situation.

‘No way, don’t tell me.’

“……In any case, I’ll be leaving tomorrow, Your Majesty. If Your Majesty stops me, I’ll even borrow my father’s name. The Duke of Marigold believes that if I gain credit for this incident, the imperial consort’s conferment ceremony will take place sooner. I really, really don’t like using the ducal family’s power, but…”

“……”

Sotis spoke calmly and politely, but resolutely and coldly.

“Because I’ve changed.”

“…….”

“From now on, Your Majesty will see more of the ‘Sotis’ that you don’t know, rather than the ‘Sotis’ that you’re familiar with.”

Sotis did not wait for Edmund’s response, but just turned around and left.

Edmund stared at her disappearing figure for a long time. The way she quickly left……

……It didn’t seem like she was running away, it didn’t seem to disappear.

It was like she was headed somewhere.

* * *