If Only I Could Disappear - Chapter 29

Sotis Marigold was a strange woman. Edmund always had such a thought whenever he saw Sotis.

Can a person be like that? Why? How?

“Look at Sotis and learn.”

The Empress Dowager used to say that lamentingly to Edmund.

“Why are you so slow? You’re in a situation where it isn’t enough to be ahead of others. If you really want to be the emperor, that’s not enough, Ed. If you don’t understand, watch and memorise. Look at how Sotis conducts herself and if need be, imitate her!”

But Edmund did not do that. It was impossible for him to live like Sotis, and he didn’t want to do so.

He agreed that she was brilliant in character. At least, Sotis was someone that knew how to distinguish between public and private matters and how to withdraw or be considerate for the other party. She was passionate about the goal she had in mind, and was faithful and sincere without any reserve or deception.

However, ‘Sotis Marigold’ wasn’t contained within Sotis’s generous love. Her love was like the sun. She warmed up everything that her rays touched, but she herself was burned unchecked.

Can a person that unilaterally devotes herself to others without respecting or being  generous to herself really happy?

Her love was fundamentally different from anything Edmund had ever seen. It might appear great and wonderful, but Edmund didn’t want to live like her. It was a miracle that someone that didn’t know how to love learned to love, but this miracle shone so cruelly.

“Your Majesty, where are you going?”

“I will sleep at the detached palace today. There’s no need to follow, because I want to walk alone.”

“……Yes, understood.”

Edmund tried to soothe his perplexed mind and headed towards the western detached palace.

“……Should I have just kicked Sotis out?”

He thought that he would feel less conflicted whenever he saw her face after the divorce, but it increased without any sign of improving.

Does he love Sotis?

“No, that’s not it.”

Edmund shook his head firmly and muttered.

Love was what he gave to Fynn. The red, scorching and solely wavering heart was the love that he had anticipated for a long time.

Rather than love, Edmund’s feelings for Sotis were closer to an instinctive discomfort. Whenever she acted properly as the empress and acted like a great woman. And whenever she didn’t even sigh at his trivial fickleness and false reasonings, that kind of feeling worsened.

Yeah, let’s just let her leave. Whether it was love for the wizard’s eyes or any hiccups that occurred outside the imperial castle, it was none of Edmund’s business. Since they have divorced, Sotis is just Young Lady Marigold, who was expelled from her position without having a child.

“What are you thinking about, Your Majesty?”

Edmund, who arrived at the detached palace before he knew it, hugged Fynn. When she said that she wasn’t feeling well, and so she just wanted to sleep, he replied to her while rubbing his forehead against her red hair.

“Apparently, Sotis will be leaving tomorrow. To solve soul-related problems, with the wizard.”

“I heard of it. I also heard that you put the case on hold? Didn’t you say that you didn’t want her to leave the empress’ palace.”

This happened in the morning. How was she aware of such news if she didn’t even leave the detached palace?

Edmund looked at Fynn with astonishment. Her green eyes stared back at him quietly.

“Even if I’m a mistress-turned-imperial consort, and am secretly looked down on, there’s someone that can deliver that much news to me.”

“But it isn’t like you, Fynn.”

“What counts as being like me?”

Fynn chuckled and burrowed into his arms.

“Is it like me to remain at the detached palace and wait for Your Majesty just because I’m with child? I don’t like such stuffiness, Your Majesty. Only Lady Sotis can endure something like that. You’re aware that no one in the world can live like Lady Sotis, aren’t you?”

“Yes, I know that all too well.”

“So why are you dissatisfied? Isn’t solving state affairs without being asked to a goodwill that can’t be bought even if you tried?”

“…Well, it’s just…”

Edmund pondered for a moment before responding.

“It was very strange. It was quite strange seeing the changes of someone that I’d thought would never ever change.”

“Are you feeling regret?”

“……Isn’t it obvious?”

They should have drifted from each other a long time ago. Sotis should have hated and resented him, when he failed to keep his promises, when he took numerous mistresses. Furthermore, Sotis said that she liked him a lot. Shouldn’t it be all the more the case?

Even after the divorce, he just allowed her to stay by his side temporarily and didn’t intend to be appointed as an imperial consort. Sotis didn’t want that either. She wasn’t going to live alone until she died, was she? Even if she didn’t get involved with Lehman Periwinkle, she might remarry like he did one day.

Edmund knows.

He knows that it was but a matter of course, and it should have happened sooner.

Why does he feel so uncomfortable, even when he’s aware of it?

“I didn’t expect you to come all the way here just to think about another woman.”

At Fynn’s whisper, Edmund circled his arms around her waist.

“How could that be? You’re the only one for me.”

“Instead of saying that, why don’t you get rid of all the other mistresses.”

“…….”

As Edmund’s head buried in her chest, his black eyes narrowed.

Edmund didn’t intend to entrust Fynn with state affairs. The same was true of the empress. Being too smart was, on the contrary, annoying. He received reports on most things and planned on letting Fynn handle the work that didn’t have any political power. The nobles would be moderately entrusted with matters of the state, and he also had to select things that would be beneficial in maintaining his imperial power.

However, as soon as Finnier Rosewood became an imperial consort, she came to grasp information about the imperial family. Of course, she’d never tried to interfere directly, but to Edmund, it wasn’t good news that she’ll receive hidden information even when she’s sitting still in the detached palace.

When she doesn’t have a lady-in-waiting, are those sundry maids capable of bringing back such useful information? Doubts began creeping up in Edmund’s mind.

Only nobles can obtain information about the nobility council. Does that mean that aristocrats have come to visit?

“Indeed. As a reward for their adequate cooperation, mistresses ought to receive money or jewels. It would be too heartless of me to cut them off immediately, so I planned to delay rewarding them financially for the time being. The national treasury wouldn’t be depleted just because another few month’s worth of money was given. I’m giving them concessions.”

“Concessions…”

At the thought of Edmund, who was very cruel to Sotis, Fynn tilted her head.

“Is there a need for that?”

“……”

“Since all that’s required is termination of the contract. What do those mistresses mean to you? Sotis will manage state affairs until I’ve gained a firm foothold, and I will take the reins in the future.”

She added in a frigid voice.

“Ever since I entered the imperial castle, you didn’t look for a woman other than me and left them there. However, since you’ve favoured me so much that you’ve raised me to the status of imperial consort, please clean it up, Your Majesty. You don’t have to stay with me every night, all you have to do is endure it for a year.”

“Well…”

“What would people say when they see Your Majesty ignoring the imperial consort born from a mistress and visiting the other mistresses? I only have Your Majesty, why else do I keep feeling lonely here?

“There’s nothing lacking in the imperial castle, but you’re lonely?”

“What are you saying? Of course, I’m very lonely.”

She pushed Edmund away and asserted herself.

“What would the imperial family look like if I also took a lover, like Your Majesty does?”

It was close to being a threat.

Edmund was about to speak, before stopping himself. It was because Fynn had a point. Since he didn’t have a place to settle his feelings at, he kept going back and forth between this and that woman, and he didn’t have the need to look for the other mistresses after meeting Fynn. Moreover, honestly, Fynn — of course it wouldn’t happen — but what will happen to his dignity if she meets with other men?

She was a newly conferred imperial consort that’s pregnant. If she gave birth to a prince, she would also become an empress on that very day.

Edmund tried his best to speak in a soft voice as he brushed Fynn’s hair.

“Yes, let’s do that. Still, it will take some time to clean them up, so please wait for a little while.”

“Alright.”

Edmund, who was sweeping her hair, thought suddenly.

Fynn said that she was quite lonely. She was lonely because she, who only had him, stayed in the detached palace all day. There wasn’t anything lacking in the imperial castle, whether it’s food or clothing, but the heart wasn’t filled as simply as that.

Edmund also knew what kind of loneliness that was. There was a time when he hated the feeling of being thrown into this dazzling place by himself, so I seeked out women even more obsessively. Because it’d be warmer to fall asleep beside another body. He thought that he could at least be freed from that loneliness in such a manner.

“…….”

It was the first time he had such a thought. Even the fact that this was his first time thinking this way was novel and strange.

Was Sotis Marigold lonely, too?

* * *

That night, a guest appeared in the empress’ palace, one that the palace had never welcomed before.

“……What did you just say?”

Even Sotis, who received the report, couldn’t hide her surprise, so the maids’ faces were even whiter than the bedsheets.

“T—that’s….”

“His Highness……Abel…… von Setton Mendez…”

“………the young Grand Duke has arrived.”

Sotis’ hand, which was holding the teacup, trembled slightly.

Abel von Setton Mendez. Edmund’s only younger brother, as well as the Mendez imperial family’s only legitimate son. After Edmund became the crown prince, he declared that he wouldn’t threaten his brother’s position on the throne, and followed his uncle to the north to inherit the title of grand duke.

She was aware that he, who’d rarely come down from his territory, was in the imperial castle. It’s because Sotis was the one that organised his welcome banquet and organised a list of nobles to invite to the dinner.

But there was no reason for Abel to visit Sotis. At night and not during the day at that, for him to suddenly pay a visit to the empress’ palace without any prior notice.

Her heart pounded at the appearance of a person that she had never had singular interactions with before.

“Let him enter…”

Sotis, who answered reflexively, paused.

“……No, guide him to the garden. I’ll open the window and answer him through that, so please seek his understanding.”

“Lady Sotis?”

She calmed herself down.

There were still people bent on finding Sotis’ fault. Now that everyone was confident that Finnier Rosewood would be the next empress, Sotis was just a divorced woman. She didn’t even have any superficial reputation left, so even the slightest blemish will become a great blow.

However, the one that came to visit was her ex-husband’s younger brother. Since it was too late at night, if he entered the palace, it was easy to cause a bad misunderstanding.

It’ll be better to avoid anything that might turn into a problem. Sotis spoke quite emphatically.

“I’m an aristocratic lady, and given the complicated situation, explain properly that it isn’t right to let another man into the palace. If he finds it inconvenient, inform him politely that I’ll visit him once dawn breaks.”

Despite the maid’s confusion, she obeyed Sotis’ choice. The sound of a conversation could be heard outside the door, and the clicking sound of shoes faded away.

“He says he’ll do that.”

Sotis took a deep breath and straightened her back.

Her heart was about to explode due to the mixture of curiosity and anxiety.

* * *

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