If Only I Could Disappear - Chapter 30

Abel von Setton Mendez, Grand Duke Abel.

The last time she saw him was during childhood. Other than the fact that Abel was of the same age as her and that he was taciturn, Sotis knew little about him.

Abel was never interested in Sotis. Although it seemed like he disliked her, he didn’t do anything in particular that made his dislike evident. As such, Sotis felt at ease on the contrary. It’s because she only had to refrain from doing anything that he could obviously find fault in. No, perhaps even if she’d committed any mistake, he wouldn’t be interested.

“What brings you here?”

Sotis felt relieved that her voice came out calmer than she’d thought it would.

“You’re leaving the Imperial castle tomorrow.”

“……Yes, but His Majesty said that he would consider my proposal in the morning…”

Abel asked bluntly.

“So, you aren’t leaving?”

“……I will leave. I’d love to.”

“Then leave.”

“…….”

Sotis wanted to peer out of the window immediately and look at Abel, but she held it in with all the patience she could muster.

She could feel her heart pounding. She didn’t know why this person was saying this here. However, the words that were devoid of hostility or goodwill felt strangely reassuring.

For a moment, she couldn’t find the words to respond, and used the other hand to rub her arm, which was filled with goosebumps.

“Uncle has decided to take charge of the North for a while. I decided to stay in the imperial castle and rest.”

Sotis recalled that he didn’t remain at the banquet for a long time and requested for all the imperial doctors, and quickly replied.

“……I heard you suffered a shoulder injury.”

“I see that the rumours of you being meticulous when handling work is true. Anyways, both Uncle and Aunt asked me to return after slacking off in the imperial family for a few months, and in the meanwhile, I can still handle paperwork.”

He put it tactfully, but the meaning behind his words were clear. It meant that Abel could replace Sotis in handling the state affairs that were shuffled off to her.

His title may be that of a grand duke, but he was also a member of the Imperial family. It would be better for the imperial family’s dignity if the emperor’s younger brother, a member of the imperial family, to handle matters of the imperial family, instead of the divorced empress. If Abel came forward, Edmund wouldn’t have any justification to stop it.

Sotis’ face brightened up with a smile.

“…I’ll leave it in your hands then.”

Abel replied bluntly.

“Of course. Well then.”

At the sound of footsteps, it seemed like his business here was finished and he was about to leave. Sotis called out to him hurriedly.

“E, excuse me, Your Highness.”

“Yes.”

“Why…”

Sotis’ heart began pounding stronger than it did previously when she heard him moving closer to her side again. It felt like anxiety was clogging her throat.

Her voice ended up trembling slightly.

“Why, are you… helping me?”

She was afraid. She could count the number of people from the imperial family that she wasn’t afraid of on one hand. While there were various types of fear, Abel belonged to fear of the unknown.

After a suffocating silence, Abel replied in a calm voice.

“There are many poor people in the north.”

His response to Sotis’ question was slightly out-of-place .

“Several would die or suffer injuries everyday. There are so many causes of death that it’s uncountable. Death by starvation, death by illness, being crushed to death by a collapsing building……”

Abel added, “If the people of the grand duchy, the North’s most prosperous territory, suffered so much every winter, what about the other underdeveloped regions?”

“It’s tough enough just to fight against that immense nature, but recently Mendez has been in a tumult due to the outbreak of soul-related problems. However, no matter how many reports related to that were handed over, the imperial family kept remaining silent…”

Sotis seemed to understand Abel’s thoughts a little now. Then, the fear that welled up as she was unaware of the situation gradually vanished, and she felt like she could breathe.

The stories about a province that imperial nobles would only hear of through papers were a reality for Abel and the grand duchy. He must have been rather tired of the imperial family’s lukewarm response. While the emperor thought that imperial authority wasn’t required for those incidents held off on them, eventually falling onto Sotis, the people were withering without gaining even a glimmer of hope.

“Other than that… I didn’t dislike you all that much.”

“……why?”

It was a reflexive question. Embarrassment rose the moment that question appeared out of her mouth. It was fortunate that they were not facing each other.

Abel clicked his tongue nonchalantly and spoke.

“Because there’s no reason for that.”

“…….”

“I once wore tinted glasses like everyone else because you became the crown princess through an internal agreement, and not a competition. But that’s it. Since then, I’ve known that the Young Lady wasn’t lacking in anything as the crown princess and empress.”

So he knew.

Someone actually knew that. She thought that no one would know. She thought that no one was interested…….

Sotis covered her mouth with a hand. It was because otherwise, a thank you would pop out hastily.

“The reason I didn’t show any interest in you is because I’m aware that my goodwill wouldn’t benefit you. Compared to my brother, my power wasn’t stable, and I deliberately chose to go to the north without creating my own power to avoid creating strife over the throne. If I spoke to you in a friendly manner, accusations of a scandal or treason might occur.”

Abel added that it was the least amount of consideration that he could afford at that time. He said that he was a little apologetic, and Sotis moved a little closer to the window.

“……That seems to be the case. Thank you.”

“There’s nothing to be thankful for.”

His voice was quite blunt, but now it didn’t sound cold.

“As I’d mentioned earlier, I only did the least amount of work. Eventually, you were deposed unilaterally, and the country is in a mess. I thought he would take good care of Mendez because he was greedy for the throne, but…….”

“…….”

“Even so, I don’t intend to seize the throne. This time, I’m going to leave for my own nest after doing the minimum amount of work. Still…..”

“………Grand Duke.”

“What my brother did wasn’t right. This divorce, and all the actions before it.”

Sotis bowed her head, and heard a polite voice.

“I’m sorry. I know this apology won’t relieve any of your sadness.”

“…….”

She wanted to say that it’s alright.

She wanted to tell him that his brother’s wrongdoings weren’t his fault, so there was no reason for him to apologise. She wanted to say that he came to help, unlike Edmund, who interfered with everything, and it’s alright as long as he didn’t look down on her.

But she was unable to say anything. Every time she tried to say it was alright, she felt suffocated and her nose stung. An indescribable sadness welled up and Sotis gasped for air.

Actually, it wasn’t alright. It couldn’t be alright at all.

She was so sad for such a long time that her heart shattered and its original shape became indistinguishable.

She couldn’t even tell him, who had nothing to do with her pain, that it was alright.

“……I see.”

But Sotis didn’t cry.

It wasn’t alright, but she didn’t want to remain in this pain forever.

As long as she could get through it, move on, and truly be free.

If Edmund Lez Setton Mendez’s presence became as meaningless as a straw or a speck of dust to Sotis Marigold.

“But this will be the last time I’ll act for the Empire’s sake. I am aware of the responsibility that my feelings and choices will bring about, even though I accepted the position of empress with His Majesty Edmund in mind.”

“Let it stop here then.”

“Is it strange?”

“What’s strange about it?”

Abel gave a helpless smile.

“You’re already done far too much, haven’t you? To the point where I’d suddenly doubt whether such devoted love would exist…”

“…….”

“My trip to the empress’s palace will be kept a secret. That would be more convenient for you.”

“Yes.”

“In any case, please leave with a peace of mind. Then, please take a short rest. You might not be aware, but it isn’t that easy to stay outside the Imperial castle.”

He left the Empress Palace after a short greeting. Sotis was still busy trying to wrap up his dazed mood with the presence of someone who came and disappeared like the wind.

“……thank you.”

It’s something no one would hear, but I felt like I had to. Sotis held his hands tightly and bowed his head. The anxiety melted away without shape for a long time.

Someday, will there be a day when I can say it’s okay?

* * *

“Lady Sotis, would you like to retire for the night now?”

“……No.”

For some reason, Sotis became busier after her conversation with Abel. She checked her luggage once again, opened her jewellery box, and placed everything valuable in. A person that would even collect the small ornaments attached to a dress threw out all the shows that were uncomfortable.

Then, Sotis’ gaze turned towards her left hand.

A wedding ring.

It was just a phrase that proved her past, just as the wedding ring with Edmund turned dull as the years went by, it was only worn by Sotis.

“Are you, are you also going to sell that?”

The maid asked in surprise. It was a special ring made for Mendez’s emperor, so rumours would definitely spread if this was found in a private house.

The anxious maid breathed a sigh of relief when she saw Sotis shake her head.

“No, but I’m not taking this along.”

When she looked at that ring now, she felt fettered, like she didn’t really love Edmund.

Sotis felt both relieved and disappointed by that fact, and gazed at the ring for a long time.

“Because now, it’s something that doesn’t hold any value to me.”

Sotis pushed it into a corner of the empty jewellery box.

It’s an item that no one would inquire about for a while. As it remains in the corner of the room, it will gradually become an obsolete item without having to mention it once a year.

After a long period of time, Sotis will barely be able to remember it. That there was something like that. She’d only vaguely recall the feelings she experienced then only by looking at the ring that was clearly marked with the traces of time.

She’d probably laugh, “So such a thing happened then.” As though the sadness and pain of that time was nothing to her now.

She will move on. She’ll stumble and fall a few times, but she’ll get up again.

And when that happens, Edmund Lez Setton Mendez wouldn’t be by her side.

For the first time, Sotis didn’t feel any sorrow or pain at that fact.

* * *

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