If Only I Could Disappear - Chapter 33

As soon as Sotis opened her eyes, she headed towards the adjacent room.

Lehman Periwinkle has always been a staunch ally of Sotis’s, and even more so now that they’d left the Imperial castle. He was the only one she could trust and rely on, so naturally, Lehman’s presence felt great.

But Lehman wasn’t in the room. She couldn’t detect any signs of life beyond the squeaky door that couldn’t close properly.

Sotis was captivated by the sensation of her pounding heart. What do you mean, Lehman isn’t here? In that case, she was no different from being left alone!

She went downstairs aimlessly. She went out quickly and scanned the inn’s surroundings. As she moved her feet, a vacant look filled Sotis’ face.

She made several rounds around the neighbourhood. Still, she didn’t spot Lehman. She didn’t know where to go. The sight of the dreary slums overwhelmed her.

When a cool breeze blew, Sotis’s shoulders trembled. To her surprise, she deeply realised how helpless she was here.

“What do I do…?”

Just then, someone grabbed her shoulder from behind. Sotis screamed in surprise.

“Lady Sotis, please calm down. It’s me!”

Lehman put down the luggage he was holding and turned her around.

“Lehman?”

When he bent down and made eye contact, Lehman’s image filled Sotis’s vision. Then for some reason, she felt like she was about to cry.

“Why are you out and about by yourself when it’s dangerous?”

“I—it’s because you weren’t there…”

Lehman frowned.

“I just went out for a moment to sell a few items. No matter what, I’ll return back to Lady Sotis, so you don’t have to worry.”

“No matter what?”

“No matter what.”

The two looked around while they were outside.

This was the world outside her world. It was completely different from the small yet affluent and warm world where Sotis Marigold lived. The streets were gray, rats and insects were everywhere, and people’s expressions were incomparably dark.

It wasn’t like Sotis was unaware of the slum’s existence. She only heard of all this through books and a few documents. The problems that she had to solve for her entire life or a means to prove her wisdom was a terribly vivid reality for someone else.

For the first time, Sotis realised how theoretical, unrealistic and hypocritical her ‘wisdom’ was. Then, embarrassment and shame caused the back of her neck and cheeks to heat up.

“It’ll be best to slowly make preparations from morning onwards. I’ve already informed the innkeeper.”

Lehman led her to the restaurant on the inn’s first floor. Watery oat porridge, dry and hard rye bread, and a chunk of goat cheese was placed before her. Although it didn’t seem like a dish, even this was a food he’d barely managed to get his hands on.

Sotis stuffed the bread into her mouth. However, despite her hunger, she was unable to eat more than a few bites and lowered her arms. Her mouth was dry like she was chewing sand, so she couldn’t swallow it at all.

The innkeeper glanced sideways at Sotis and remarked sarcastically.

“It must be great being you, being in a position to be picky.”

The residents of the slums giggled at the sight of such relatively luxurious food.

“The beautiful ladies are always like that.”

“What brings a precious aristocrat here? You must have never starved before.”

“I don’t know. A unique experience, perhaps?”

When the angered Lehman was about to reprimand them for their rudeness, Sotis reached out and stopped him.

“It’s alright. Don’t come forward.”

“But…”

Even if she was deposed with absurd reasons, Sotis had once been the empress of a country.

But her opinion was different. Sotis spoke emphatically.

“Lehman, don’t even mention my identity.”

“……I understand.”

Fortunately or unfortunately, Sotis rarely left the imperial castle, so her appearance was unknown.

She wanted to look after those people’s lives without flaunting her status. It was because she knew that to them, a certain honour, position, and reputation of the family weren’t even fitting for a bad joke.

“It seems like you’re someone precious. Why, are you going to punish us for being disrespectful?”

Sotis clasped her hands together and replied calmly.

“Is that necessary?”

“……”

“I don’t know how much more detrimental it will be to your hard life. This kind of distrust is treatment deserved, for the nobles have not cared for or eased you of your poverty.”

She gave the leftover bread to a child that was wandering near the table.

“I’m sorry that it’s my leftovers.”

The child took a bite out of the bread nonchalantly.

“I’ve even eaten things that were in the trash can. This is probably the best food that I’ve had in 10 days.”

At those words, Sotis realised what she had to do. She sprang to her feet and gave Lehman a meaningful glance.

“There’s a place that I want to go to, Lehman. Right now.”

* * *

The first thing that Sotis Marigold did in the slums was to buy bread with the money she’d earned from selling jewellery. There was so much bread that the cart was fully loaded and required several rounds of transportation.

She knew that it was just bread. It was simple food that left crumbs behind after a few bites.

A few loaves of bread and a few coins is unable to save anyone’s life. It might bring a momentary joy, but that’s it. It only helped them to maintain their lives, but it couldn’t change their lives fundamentally.

Sotis knew all of that, but her choice didn’t change.

“I was wondering what she was plotting, and it turns out that she’s enticing us with food.”

“Does she think she can get on the horse’s back just because she placed a bundle of straw in the stable?”

“Who knows? Maybe she’s trying to get rid of all the lowly peasants with rat poison!”

The two placed a long table with food piled on top of it in front of the inn, but people didn’t approach easily. Rather, there were occasionally words of sarcasm, the sound of spitting phlegm, and mocking snorts.

It was already beyond mere mistrust, and crossed into the realms of hostility and anger. This was different from the commoners of the underdeveloped provinces. These were people that bore witness to the aristocracy’s luxury, and the resentment that arose from the comparison devoured their souls.

Sotis stood upright and received those stinging gazes.

She thought that she’d gotten used to the cold-treatment after receiving so much of it, but that wasn’t the case.

“There isn’t any rat poison.”

She realised that her words weren’t credible in their eyes.

Sotis’s hand grabbed the nearest bread. She chewed and swallowed it silently.

“……”

The people approached hesitantly while exchanging gazes amongst themselves. When they saw her eating bread without getting angry, the reason behind their doubt vanished.

No matter her intentions, food would be provided free of charge. And they were worn out due to the long period of starvation. People immediately swarmed to take the bread. They even stuffed a couple of them into their dirty clothes’ pockets, and quickly pushed another into his mouth.

“Do you think you can buy our hearts with a few loaves of bread?”

The old man spoke curtly.

“No.”

Sotis replied nonchalantly. It was as though she had already expected the question.

“This is just bread, sir.”

She handed over another loaf of bread and said.

“Just this isn’t enough to change the world. While I am an immature young lady of a noble family, I’m not that foolish that I’m unaware of this much. Even if you eat this bread now, you’ll be tormented by hunger again by this time tomorrow.”

“Yes, that’s exactly it.”

“No matter how much bread I give, this infernal poverty won’t end, nor will it change this absurd world.”

A bitter smile appeared on Sotis’s face.

“Perhaps this bread is just a means to satisfy my conscience.”

The pauper spoke impatiently.

“Then why are you doing this?”

“Because I had to do so. Other than this, there’s nothing else I can do right now.”

“……”

“If I hadn’t given this bread to you now, you’d be even hungrier tomorrow.”

Lehman, who understood her intentions, added.

“The world can’t possibly change right now, tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow. There’s no one that can guarantee whether it will change or not.”

“But you can’t starve right now.”

Sotis added sincerely.

“As it would be quite sorrowful to me.”

The people that were taking the bread hesitated. They looked at Sotis and Lehman with their deep-set eyes.

None of them could respond to Sotis’s words. They just gave her doubtful glances, and didn’t say the temporary measures she had arranged were insignificant.

The food that had piled up like a mountain disappeared, and the people gathered in front of the old inn also left with food. The gloomy slum became silent as if it had never been abuzz before.

“……”

None of them thanked her for her kindness. As the paupers lowered their heads, they glanced at Sotis with anxiety and suspicion-laden gazes.

But there wasn’t any bread left. Today, the people wouldn’t starve as much as before. She was satisfied with that alone, so she was able to smile brightly.

However, Sotis looked pale, as she hadn’t eaten proper food until late in the afternoon. Lehman approached her.

There was a moment of silence. Lehman opened his mouth, sighed, hesitated, and finally opened his mouth with difficulty.

He thought that it was something he had to say someday, so the words that he’d withheld for a long period of time flowed through his lips.

“Lady Sotis, your love…”

The warmth that was akin to the sun, that wouldn’t alienate anyone.

“……It’s rather destructive.”

Sotis’s eyelashes trembled.

“Have I made a mistake?”

Lehman replied after a long moment.

“If you’re asking if you’ve made a mistake to others, no. You’re not mistaken at all. On the contrary, it’s brilliant. So much so that I wonder how you could come up with it. But….”

“…….”

The wizard’s amber eyes shone sadly.

“But that isn’t the case for you, Lady Sotis. Your love is burning yourself.”

* * *