If Only I Could Disappear - Chapter 34

“Lady Sotis’s love is noble.”

Lehman spoke from the bottom of his heart.

“It’s easy for a person to be selfish, but it’s really hard to live altruistically. Just like how evil is easy and good is difficult, the kindness that Lady Sotis gives is always pure and commendable. But….”

Sotis waited for him to speak in silence.

“Your kindness does not include yourself. Rather, I think that you’ll still care for those that were hostile to you, even if you have to erase yourself. I’m afraid that such commitment will devour you.”

Love akin to the sun will illuminate the world, but in fact, it was love that burned the giver.

Not all love will be rewarded. It would be great if good begets good, but in reality, that was impossible.

Lehman just wanted to stop her future of constantly yielding and sacrificing for someone and then burning herself to the ground.

“Are you saying that only by knowing how to treasure myself can I truly love another?”

“No, your love is already impeccable and sincere. I just wanted to let you know that there are other ways to love stably and for a long time.”

Sotis pondered his words. Afterwards, she smiled and spoke, knowing that he was genuinely concerned for her.

“I see, but… It’s quite hard for me.”

Lehman replied with a sad expression.

“I know. It’s because you’ve always been in a situation that makes it difficult for you to do so.”

Sotis followed Lehman into the inn. Her vision swam, perhaps because she’d pushed herself too hard by standing for a long period of time. As she leaned against the railing and rested for a while, he stood beside Sotis silently.

“I’ll consider your words seriously. Even so, I’m going to give out bread to the people here tomorrow. Even if none of them thank me, even if it only makes me feel exhausted.”

Her water-coloured eyes glistened resolutely.

“Death and soul-related problems belong to a very sensitive category. As an unwelcome guest, I can’t walk around thoughtlessly. First of all, I want to garner a little favour from the people here.”

“That’s a good idea. I’m more than willing to follow Lady Sotis’s choice.”

Lehman smiled broadly. He was smiling like he was really proud of her kindness.

As she began to move, he also climbed the stairs by her side. He did not forget to give a meaningful glance to the innkeeper, who confirmed their return, and asked for food to be served.

“But, I have a condition.”

Sotis smiled and replied.

“You want me to get a good rest and eat proper meals, right?”

“………How did you know?”

“That’s right, whenever Lehman asks me for something, it’s usually for my own sake.”

A bashful smile appeared on his face. It was because her prediction was accurate. He wanted her to leave the trivial preparations to him, and to rest well, even if only by a slight amount.

“I’ll try.”

After entering the room, Sotis poked her head out through the door’s gap and said.

“I mean it. I know I can only do what ‘s required if I’m standing upright. So I’m not going to collapse, and I won’t give up.”

“……”

“Why are you staring at me like that? Did I make a slip of the tongue?”

“No, it’s just…”

Lehman looked at her with a stunned look.

Will the day come when all her kindness and brilliant efforts shine? Will the day come when the world recognizes her?

Perhaps Sotis wouldn’t even wait for such a day. She, who’s satisfied just by giving, will smile brightly and say that she didn’t expect any reward.

Whenever he saw her, he felt respectful and heartbroken.

Lehman smiled with furrowed brows. Like a man that was facing the sun directly.

“I’ll pick you up tomorrow morning. Please take a good rest.”

* * *

Days in the slums went by hectically.

It seemed like a life Sotis would never be able to adapt to, but surprisingly, Sotis gradually became adapted to it. She diligently walked around in a cheap cloth gown, and emptied a bowl of thin oat porridge even if she had to shut her eyes and swallow it down forcibly.

However, no matter how hard she tried, the number of things she had to do didn’t decrease. There were countless hungry paupers, and even refugees from outside the capital that heard of rumours swarmed over.

No amount of bread and cheese was enough, and the people still doubted the intentions of Lehman and Sotis. Still, none of them acted as acerbic as they were on the first day. They believed that no matter what the reason was, she wouldn’t starve them, and so they gathered at the same time every day to accept the bread she gave them with a smile.

The problem was that Sotis’s body was unable to withstand the intense work.

“Hey! Hey, you with the brown hair, yes you!”

At the people’s screams, Lehman, who had been unloading from the wagon, practically threw the items away and ran to Sotis. People watched her, who’d collapsed to the floor with a thud.

“Move!”

Lehman ran over quickly and cradled Sotis in his arms. When he took in her pale face and cold sweat, his heart seemed to shatter.

Her body was so hot that he could acutely feel her heat through her clothes. Since when has such a fever began ravaging her system? He was completely unaware because she didn’t complain at all.

Still, he should’ve known. He should’ve checked for signs beforehand. Lehman quietly criticised himself for being unconcerned.

He carefully fixed her position like she might shatter and looked at the gathered people. Those that spotted his sharp amber eyes stepped back hesitantly.

“W—we didn’t do anything.”

“Yes, that woman suddenly collapsed!”

Lehman asked in a low voice.

“What should I do to call for a doctor?”

Then, a man with a large burn scar on one of his cheeks replied coldly.

“Where would you find a doctor in a neighbourhood that only houses paupers? All you can do is boil some cheap medicinal herbs and pray that God will be merciful.”

“……”

“If that’s unsatisfactory, bring that young lady back to where you lived.”

It doesn’t seem like he’s trying to make things difficult. Lehman looked at them for a moment, then nodded and moved Sotis to the inn.

Once he laid her down on the bed, he was about to call for someone. Once again, he realised that he was a stranger, and there wasn’t a single aristocrat that he was familiar with here.

Should he contact the imperial castle? If not, the Marigold Duchy? ……Was there a villa of the Rosewood Marquisate near the capital?

“……No.”

A weak hand slipped out of the blanket and gripped his collar lightly.

“I’ll feel better after a little rest. It’s alright….”

“It’s not alright.”

Lehman frowned and said.

“It’s not alright, Lady Sotis. Do you know how high your fever is? Let’s return back to the imperial castle right now.”

“If we return like that, I might never be able to come out again. My frail body will be added onto the many reasons why I shouldn’t leave the castle.”

Sotis answered in tears.

“……I haven’t even done anything. We can’t return like this.”

“You do know that if you insist, I’ll ultimately end up following your wishes, right?”

A faint smile appeared on her face. She answered helplessly.

“I’m sorry, but I still can’t give up.”

“Even if no one knows of your hard work?”

“It’s not like I’m unaware of that. And you also know. While no one will remember my name, but…… Still, I thought that I could remember myself as a slightly better person.”

Lehman sighed lightly.

The desperation in her voice made it impossible for him to refuse. She had been struggling the entire time after the divorce, but now she barely managed to set out to do what she wanted.

Although it was for the sake of the country and the people, Sotis was filled with vitality while she handed out bread. He wanted to protect that appearance of hers.

“In that case, I’ll nurse you.”

Sotis nodded with great effort. Her face was flushed due to the fever.

“I’m sorry.”

“Instead of apologising, speak words of gratitude instead.”

“……Thank you.”

It was just a short phrase.

But Lehman’s smile was more cheerful than ever, like he had the entire world.

* * *

Lehman Periwinkle nursed Sotis Marigold all night.

To lower her fever, he wiped her forehead and neck with a damp towel, and forced a few sips of lukewarm water down her, but it did not have much of an effect.

Lehman only realised that Sotis had contracted a contagious disease that was occasionally prevalent in the slums when he recognised the erythema on her neck.

“There should be medicine…”

This sort of fever was passed on relatively easily, but it wasn’t dangerous. However, Sotis’s body was frail, and it was rather difficult to call for a doctor or buy medicine.

Lehman looked at Sotis, who was sweating a lot more than before, anxiously.

Could it turn more dangerous? Was it really alright to endure like this? She wasn’t able to swallow the watery porridge, perhaps due to her swollen throat, and she kept drifting in and out of consciousness for the past two hours.

“Lady Sotis, will you be alright if I left you alone for a moment? I’ve asked for a doctor in the capital… I’ll go and see if there’s any news. Perhaps I might purchase some ice.”

She nodded slowly.

Lehman quickly opened the door and stepped outside. But he hadn’t walked more than three steps away when his path forward was blocked by someone that walked up the stairs.

“Hey!”

A brusque-faced man held a long flask out towards him.

“……What is this?”

“It’s the roots of medicinal herbs that can be found in the wild mountains. It’s quite effective in reducing fever.”

“There’s no other way but to endure it like this because doctors and medicine are precious around here. A lot of the weak elderly and children contracted this sort of fever, and whenever that happens, drinking water boiled with this root will be able to reduce the fever within a day.”

Lehman opened the flask with trembling hands. Steam rose from the herbal tea that had yet to cool.

“Of course, it won’t taste good because it’s really bitter. There’s no such thing as medicine that isn’t bitter though.”

“Thank you. Truly, thank you……”

Lehman clutched the barrel and bowed his head.

It was just herbal tea made with dried roots, but the thought that this was the sincerity of those returning Sotis’s goodwill made him feel that it was more precious than gold.

* * *