If Only I Could Disappear - Chapter 35

Sotis smiled and was on the verge of tears when she saw the herbal tea that was brought by the people of the slums.

“I’m so happy.”

Her short words were filled with indescribable joy, pride, gratitude and euphoria. Her flushed cheeks seemed to be red with joy and not due to the fever.

“I’ve personally helped the people. It’s the first time that my sincerity was conveyed as it is without being obstructed by any barriers, and it’s also my first time receiving any response at all. Everything feels so miraculous and I’m so happy.”

She drank the bitter tea without leaving a single drop behind.

“I should have come out of the castle earlier. Why had I remained there in such a well behaved manner……”

Sotis fiddled with the flask and laughed.

“If it weren’t for Lord wizard, I wouldn’t have dared to think of it. It’s truly fortunate that I’ve met you.”

Her excited voice made her seem like she was about to float away at any moment.

She repeatedly said that meeting him was the luck that she was only graced with a few times in her life, and that the past few days of her personally accomplishing something was a difficult experience that she was proud of.

When strung together, those soft words sounded like the song lyrics of a forgotten language. Lehman sat by Sotis’s bedside, slowly brushing her hair, and nodded his head repeatedly whenever she said something.

Soon after, when Sotis fell asleep, he stared at the woman’s face for a very long time.

Sotis Marigold, a woman that was like the sun. She was a woman that looked down upon the world with a radiant soul that was impossible to imitate.

When he looked at her, Lehman suddenly felt bitter and resentful of Edmund’s coldhearted behaviour. If Lehman had been Edmund, he would have been happy that he could stand by the side of such a great woman. He would be willing to listen to the advice she gave, and give her all of the world’s finest.

“……Ah.”

As Lehman looked down at the peacefully sleeping Sotis, he sighed briefly.

At first, he was just happy to have found her. He’d waited a long time to meet his benefactor again, and as long as he could repay her for her grace, there was nothing more that he wanted. As long as he could watch over her, and see her happy appearance…

Lehman Periwinkle came to his senses instantly. Before he knew it, Sotis’s face was filled his entire vision. He was so close that he could even hear the faint sound of her breathing.

As though he was about to brush against her lips at any moment.

Lehman’s face turned red. He got up quickly and covered his face with both of his hands.

Crazy. He must have gone mad. Even if he liked her, how could he do that to someone that’s sleeping.

He stole a glance at Sotis’s figure and left the room.  He left like he was running away and slid down to the ground with his back against the door.

He seemed to have discovered a desire that he didn’t want to know, that he wanted to hide from even himself. His face burned with shame. Lehman rubbed his face up and down and tried to calm his breathing.

“Lady Sotis.”

He muttered Sotis’s name. It was in a tone close to a sigh.

“Lady Sotis.”

Whenever he called out that name, a certain emotion swelled like a balloon and seemed to fill his heart. How should he describe this feeling that was both touching and overwhelming?

“Why do I… fall deeper for you as time goes by?”

This love, which took root unknowingly, grew day by day without any countermeasures, and Lehman occasionally felt afraid.

How much more can he love her? He didn’t think that he could fall for her anymore than this, but when he came to his senses, he just kept falling helplessly.

***

It was just as the people said. By the next day, Sotis’ fever had completely subsided. When the red erythema that was on the back of her neck subsided, Sotis decided to wander around the slums again.

“Now, I’m thinking of distributing the bread in a different manner. I’ll bring it to them myself. It’ll leave a deep impression on them, and they’ll gradually open up little by little.”

It meant that although it was gradual, she was gaining popularity amongst the people, but now she could talk to them personally, listen to their problems and solve them. It was to carefully approach and deal with problems such as poverty, famine, plague and soul-related problems.

“That’s a good idea. But it could be dangerous….”

Sotis responded with a smile, as though she had peered into his thoughts.

“Will you go with me? It’ll definitely be more reassuring.”

“I’d be happy to.”

As such, they went from house to house in the name of giving out food and talked to people for a few days.

Perhaps rumours about how Sotis had collapsed while distributing bread to them had spreaded as people were not sarcastic or antagonising her like they’d done so before. Sometimes they’d even ask if she was really feeling better.

“What are you so curious about that you’d go around a shabby place like this with that weak body of yours? What if you actually got a severe illness?”

“It’s just…”

Should she be honest? After a moment of contemplation, Sotis decided to beat about the bush moderately.

“I’m trying hard in order to live in a wider world.”

It also couldn’t be considered a lie. As the previous empress, while this may have been an extension of taking care of Mendez, she also wanted to expand her knowledge by personally observing and not giving orders to others. She wanted to get rid of the sense of helplessness in this manner and experience life in earnest while doing the things she was capable of doing.

Perhaps her response was too ambiguous, as the woman standing at the door tilted her head.

“What?”

“I was born into a good family and grew up without lacking anything. In other words, I have been living in a narrow and comfortable world.”

The woman that was carrying the child asked like it was incomprehensible to her.

“Then, you can just lead a life that’s like that, right?”

Sotis shook her head slowly.

“I don’t want to do so. That is no different from living in an illusion. When you’re not lacking anything, you should share what’s yours with those that face insufficiency. It should all the more be the case if that doesn’t make you become poor. Additionally, nobles would usually manage their estates and participate in state affairs. In that case, I thought that I should know how the people I will be ruling over live and what they’d need.”

As she continued speaking, she felt ashamed.

Sotis had truly known nothing. While she has diligently studied subjects like politics, economics, social studies, and history, she has never seen how the people suffered. When a certain year was a year of famine, she didn’t even know what people lacked for them to die, nor did she know how hard the lives of the poor were.

Although she would occasionally follow behind Edmund while he toured the Empire, the things she could do were limited. She couldn’t even intervene in the people’s affairs directly. Other than giving Lehman something and reaching a hand out to Fynn, she lived separately from the people.

That shouldn’t have been the case if she was an empress that was his other half that ruled the country and his partner in leading the country.

“It’s my duty.”

The woman that was carrying the child looked at the two gentle strangers.

“Duty…”

The people in the slums hated the aristocracy. If they weren’t visible, perhaps they wouldn’t have hated the nobles as much, but sadly, they would watch the aristocrats that came and went near the capital everyday. Their splendour and composure made their poverty prominent, and people’s minds were easily twisted in the face of such clear contrast.

The nobles were always the same. They frequently used others as they were anxious to secure their personal interests, and they treated those in the slums as though they were lowly and filthy. While they would occasionally distribute food, their eyes were filled with ridicule and contempt.

But Sotis was different. The woman with cascading light purple hair had a determined yet desperate look. As much as they were unaware of good or bad, and didn’t know if it was a splendid rope or not, Sotis’s water-coloured eyes sparkled clearly.

She observed the people genuinely and sincerely while wondering what they needed. She didn’t want to gain their favour for free, but worked hard for it enthusiastically. Although she wasn’t accustomed to living in the barren slums, it didn’t seem like she wanted to give up.

“Is it strange?”

The woman has never seen anyone like this. Perhaps she might never see someone like Sotis again.

That’s how unique Sotis was. It wasn’t in a bad way, but in a good way.

“It’s fascinating, isn’t it.”

The woman lowered her head as she spoke.

“This is our life, and there’s nothing much to see, as always. Deaths and disappearances easily happen to the people here. Just like how my husband, who was assigned and dragged to the castle expansion project, now his body can’t even be found afterwards.”

When the baby began to cry, the woman rocked her body lightly and let out a deep sigh.

“I don’t even have the luxury of time to miss my husband, who didn’t come back. Sadness is unable to drive away hunger. In order to find something to feed my child with, I run all kinds of errands and search through trash cans…”

Sotis handed over bread, cheese, and milk for the child to drink carefully. The woman received it and laughed bitterly.

“But not long ago, when I fell asleep after eating the bread that the Miss had given me, it seemed like my husband appeared in my dream? He was covered in blood and seemed to have something to say……I cried so much that I didn’t manage to hear what he said. Even if it was an omen of misfortune, I really wanted to see him.”

Lehman’s expression turned serious when he realised something strange.

“An omen of misfortune?”

“Yes. It might be a rumour that only circulates around here, but apparently, when a dead person appears in one’s dream, bad things will occur to them. But now that I think of it, bad things will occur at any time in this life, so it isn’t all that strange. Perhaps it’s a cowardly thing to blame the person that left for having such a hard time…”

Dead people, and misfortune.

Sotis and Lehman exchanged serious gazes. Lehman handed the woman the remaining biscuits and asked carefully.

“Excuse me, but can I hear more about those ‘misfortunes’?”

* * *