If Only I Could Disappear - Chapter 37

A dark mountain appeared as they climbed along a narrow path littered with piles of garbage behind the slums.

Even though they had only climbed up a little on the mountain, which didn’t have any trees or flowers taking root, the air was filled with an unpleasant smell, and a sense of discomfort gradually crept up on them.

“Come a little closer. Or should I give the fire to you, Lady Sotis?”

Lehman, who led Sotis with a small flame made of his magic in his palm, turned back to look at her. He guided Sotis carefully along the safest path, and paid close attention to her steps and the condition of her body.

After catching her breath a little from the long uphill climb, Sotis smiled. She squeezed their connected hands slightly.

“I’m fine. I can keep up with you. How is the situation ahead? You mentioned that… there were quite a few lost spirits?”

Lehman nodded.

The discarded bodies, which were unable to receive proper funeral rites, had lost their original path, and their spirits were floating nearby.

Fortunately, there weren’t many spirits that contained enough malice to forget their true nature. Most of them seemed to be submerged in regret and sorrow for things they were unable to do previously, and were wandering around the mountain, unable to depart easily. They wanted to see their loved ones and live again, even if it were just for a moment.

Lehman’s magic was enough to guide most of them. Some spirits were tainted with resentment and anger. They seemed to be the ones that were tormenting others in the slums, from their mutters that it would be better to die together than continuing their miserable existence.

“It’s better to be prudent. Don’t respond, no matter who it is that tries to speak to you.”

His amber-coloured eyes scanned the surroundings carefully. As the spirits didn’t approach the mage, Sotis was safe from harm as she was following behind him.

They continued climbing for a while. Before they knew it, a shabby mountain hut came into their dimmed sights. Sotis’s face brightened. It seemed like her feet gained strength like she was eager to overtake him.

However, Lehman stopped her cautiously.

“The spirits are restless. They seem frightened.”

“Frightened? Why?”

“Perhaps…”

Creak.

The tattered and crookedly attached door opened. The old man that appeared was so emaciated that he was just skin and bones. His back was twisted, and his eyes were deeply sunken in.

The old man staggered a few steps forward with his walking stick in hand. Sotis felt hostile gazes scanning her. A chilly and unpleasant feeling ran down her spine.

“Please step back, Lady Sotis.”

Lehman spoke in a tense voice. He extinguished the light and slowly raised both hands, reciting several incantations that she couldn’t understand.

Soon, a crimson light spread from where the two were standing and formed brightly illuminated and intricate patterns.

The spirits that were tightly clinging to the gravekeeper cried out.

— It’s ancient magic!

— What is a wizard of Beatum doing here?

As the magic to sense and read spirits was activated, even Sotis, who didn’t have spiritual eyes, began to discern the spirits’ appearance. A swarm of pitch-black figures clung to the old man’s hunched shoulders, back, and waist, and reached out with squishy limbs. It was as though they were trying to engulf him entirely.

The gravedigger’s restless eyes were on Sotis. His persistent gaze seemed to be speculating about her true identity.

“The gravekeeper might not survive after taking away those spirits. There’s almost no sign of life left. The spirits seem to be fighting to possess an empty vessel.”

Lehman knelt on a knee and drew some symbols on the ground with his fingertips. He glanced backwards briefly. He seemed to want Sotis to step back and wait at a safe place.

However, she shook her head when she met the wizard’s glowing eyes.

He, who’s a foreigner, was doing his best to fulfil her request. She couldn’t just stand by and watch.

“If you’ve experienced unfair treatment, please let me know. If there’s something I can fix, I will fix it. It doesn’t matter how long it would take and how difficult it may be. At least it’s better than being unaware. I’ve come here in order to make Mendez a better place.”

The magic caused the malevolent spirits to hang back. Nevertheless, they still remained hostile, so Sotis stepped back.

Or at least, she tried to.

“It’s because of the empress.”

As soon as she heard those words, her entire body stiffened. She stepped forward unconsciously and asked.

“Because of the empress?”

The gravedigger spoke with a trembling voice.

“Yes. People began dying when the duke started building the castle forcibly. He’d simply discarded the dead like baggage. But that wasn’t all. Even those that were about to die were sent to me, wedged between corpses.”

“…The duke.”

The voice of spirits, which sounded both feminine and masculine, intertwined with the gravekeeper’s voice, creating a strange chorus.

“The Duke of Marigold.”

“……”

“How delighted he must’ve been, to have made his daughter the empress. Plus, with the wealth and power at his disposal, what else would he want? He’ll probably buy the vacant lands in the west and build a brand-new castle! He’ll clear forests, divert rivers, demolish stones, and stack bricks together endlessly!”

Sotis was aware that her wealthy and influential father wanted to establish a territory near the capital. Not some decrepit mansion but a real castle with a small fiefdom attached to it.

However, that wasn’t something that could be accomplished overnight. The Duke of Marigold was impatient and used money to hire people. Hiring was putting it nicely, as he practically manipulated the paupers. He pretended to be generous but was exploiting them without end in reality.

Sotis wasn’t able to confront her father directly. In a situation where Edmund held reservations towards her, she had to cooperate with him to have any influence when handling state affairs.

It culminated in her pretending to be blind to the Duke of Marigold’s faults.

“Why didn’t you send a letter of protest to the imperial palace?”

Upon hearing this, the gravedigger threw his head back and guffawed.

“Shouldn’t you ask if they’d learned to read and write first! And if they had time to learn! Besides, what good would knowing do right now? Those who have died can’t speak, can they?”

“……”

“They say the empress has a wise disposition, but that doesn’t make her any different from the other nobles. She deals with everything from behind her desk. She’d never bothered to show her face properly. It would’ve been better if she hadn’t become the duke’s pawn, as those that died unjustly could have lived longer.”

Guilt and sadness overwhelmed Sotis. She took another step forward. Although Lehman tried to dissuade her by calling her name, she was unable to stop.

She spoke as if entranced.

“I was just doing my best.”

It sounded like an excuse, but it was sincere.

No matter how intelligent she was, she was still barely thirty. She couldn’t possibly handle the entire world with the empress’s name. She was unaware of the Duke of Marigold’s misdeeds, and she wouldn’t have approved even if she did know of them.

“That’s…”

“I know that it wouldn’t be a proper enough reason.”

She laughed sadly, cutting off the gravekeeper’s words.

Such excuses wouldn’t be of any consolation to the deceased. Although she was said to be an empress beloved by the citizens, these people weren’t part of those citizens. They were people who struggled to survive, and in order to earn a few pennies, were injured and died while building the Duke of Marigold’s castle, utterly ignored due to their poverty.

Perhaps they would have preferred the emperor, who showed no interest in them. As everything about the empress felt like deception to them.

“I recognise you.”

A female spirit borrowed the gravekeeper’s voice. His voice sounded low and gloomy.

Lehman prepared his magic as he listened to their conversation. If any of those spirits attempted to attack Sotis, he would stop them, even if it meant that he had to eradicate them.

“I saw you once, a long time ago. Yes, violet hair like lilacs and water-coloured eyes… You appeared rather delicate and dejected. During the year of famine, the people whispered about the new crown princess.”

“….”

“I saw your face through the small carriage window. You just looked at us. You didn’t say a word…”

When Sotis drew even closer to the gravekeeper, Lehman shouted.

“It’s dangerous, please don’t get any closer!”

But Sotis didn’t back away. She stared at the old man and all the spirits attached to him calmly.

“That’s right. That was me.”

“Lady Sotis!”

“Sotis Marigold, the empress that the emperor despises. A noble that claims to serve the people but rarely steps out of the imperial palace. As well as the daughter of the Duke of Marigold.”

“……”

“I’m sorry. Even though these words might be nothing but a lie to the deceased, I’m truly sorry.”

She reached out and embraced the gravekeeper.

Lehman quickly prepared his eradication magic. If they so much as moved a single finger, the spirits in Sotis’s vicinity would be torn apart.

However, the spirits did not attack, but were rather unsettled. Even those that were consumed by resentment and hatred hesitated as they gazed at Sotis.

It was because she was crying.

“I was too late. Why hadn’t I ever thought of personally taking a step out to see the real world?”

“……”

“I’d always wanted to be a clever person. I wanted to be someone wise. To avoid the scorn of the aristocratic society, I had to propose plausible policies. I had to come up with theoretical proposals, instead of practical policies. That way, even if I’m not loved, I would still be respected. I thought that the people would appreciate such efforts, and I’d become satisfied with the current situation.”

Sotis sobbed and added.

“Yes, that was completely for my own sake. This was no different from thinking of people’s lives as tools. I’d examined everything based on my own standards, blinded by my attachment to usefulness. If only I’d come here by myself before requesting for the wizard’s assistance, would things have been different? Could I have saved at least one more person?”

Her voice was tinged with heartrending sorrow.

“Now, I’ll get off that carriage.”

Sotis held the gravekeeper and all the deceased spirits tightly as she spoke.

“I wasn’t able to give you a happy life, but I’ll try my best to let you rest in peace. Not for my position, but for the sake of the people.”

Lehman observed the entire situation.

The pitch-black spirits that stuck together dithered before separating from the gravedigger. They had bewildered looks as they conversed amongst themselves.

— Can we trust her?

— Isn’t she a noble regardless? They’re all the same!

— Still… Has any noble ever cried for us sincerely?

— Can a daughter really stop her father? She’s no longer the empress now, is she?

— But at least she knows that our deaths were unjust.

— …What should we do?

Their dilemma vanished without a trace when Sotis asked a simple question.

“Please tell me your names.”

A few larger spirits among them borrowed the gravekeeper’s mouth to inquire.

“What are you going to do with that information?”

“I’d like to visit any remaining family you may have and pass on your words.”

“……”

“Oh, and…”

She rubbed the reddened corners of her eyes and let go of the gravekeeper.

“What food do you like? What about flowers? There isn’t enough time, so it seems like we’ll have to conduct multiple funerals at once…”

One of the spirits spoke.

— Let’s put our trust in her.

— …?

— It feels like something might change.

All the spirits gazed at Sotis in unison.

She was dressed in tattered clothes and looked exhausted from the tedious journey up here. Her arms and clothes were smeared with dirt from embracing the gravekeeper for so long. Her thin frame hinted at her lack of proper meals, making her look even frailer.

Yet, her water-coloured eyes were full of vitality. The determination burning within her pupils were like blue flames that sparkled brightly.

She held the gravekeeper’s hand and said.

“Please tell me your name too. You were the deceased’s only friend.”

Not long after, a transparent teardrop rolled down the gravekeeper’s cheek.

It was so warm, warm enough to melt away their resentment, hatred, and sadness.

* * *