If Only I Could Disappear - Chapter 4

Sotis was still feeling sad and gloomy on the day she wore a crown made of pearls and lilies and a dress that was as soft as foam with abundant lace.

WIth strict gazes, people looked at the two of them, as though they were predicting the future, and instead of an atmosphere of blessing and joy, it was stern yet bizarre.

“Do you think that alright for you to possess me in this manner, Crown Princess?”

As they stood side by side in front of the podium, Edmund whispered in a low voice such that only Sotis could hear him. On the surface, he had a soft expression like he was worried about her, but his gaze was cold, and his tone had even contained slight contempt.

Sotis looked forward and answered.

“I don’t think I possess you, Your Highness. Perhaps, no matter what I do for the rest of my life, Your Highness, Crown Prince Edmund might never become my man.”

“You’re quite aware.”

“I won’t be greedy for what I cannot have, Your Highness. So you don’t have to force yourself to love me. However…”

Other than Sotis, no one else can stand here. There aren’t many people that are as fit for this position as Sotis was. She was wise and smart, and well aware of what she was and wasn’t permitted.

“Even if you can’t give me love, please show respect for me. Please treat me in a manner that’s appropriate for my position. Even if Your Highness doesn’t really like me, it should be done for the sake of the country.”

“For the sake of the country, you say.”

“Even though I couldn’t become the first choice, I’ll do my best not to make bad moves. Because that’s my duty.”

Sotis smiled bitterly and fiddled with the bouquet.

“I know that you don’t like me. But, if it’s a marriage devoid of personal emotions, then this would be for the best.”

The answer that did not waver in the least flowed out fluidly, as though she had prepared it a long time ago.

Frankly speaking, Edmund was surprised. According to the emperor, the imperial family’s dirty linen that the Duke of Marigold possessed was quite fatal. Even Edmund didn’t know what that dirty linen was. He only knew that he would be told about it after he became the emperor.

As such, truthfully, no matter how arbitrary Sotis was, even if he could be sarcastic, he couldn’t recklessly break the engagement. She had to become the Empress for the sake of the Imperial family’s dignity.

Sotis might not be aware of that reality, but she said that she’ll do her best and not her least. She didn’t beg for his love, but asked for courtesy towards her.

She discerned reality with calm and thoroughness, but she wasn’t taunting or cynical, and neither did she take advantage of this situation. She just worked hard to become the most suitable person for that position.

He murmured.

“You are very wise.”

‘No, Your Highness’

Sotis lowered her eyes and answered internally.

‘I’m not wise, Your Highness.’

‘If I were truly wise, I wouldn’t have fallen for you.’

After seeing those pair of black eyes that were as cold as snow and as dark as the abyss, she shouldn’t have decided to do even better, and should have hated him like how he hated her.

Although their relationship made it hard to love and easy to hate, she wouldn’t have purposely tried to become a woman that he had no choice but to recognise.

Then at the very least, she wouldn’t have been so miserable.

Sotis only wanted to be someone that’s loved. Wealth and reputation wasn’t anything valuable to her. She didn’t want to be the empress, and she wasn’t interested in establishing the ducal family’s prestige.

“I’m glad you feel that way.”

Truthfully, instead of an oath for the country, she wanted to exchange whispers of sweet nothings. Instead of an indifferent face filled with coldness and disdain, one that was warmer, and even if that wasn’t possible, a smile that was filled with a little trust than he had currently.

She hoped that people would focus on what she was good at instead of what she couldn’t do. She didn’t want to be criticised, but wanted him to support her.

She didn’t want the love of hundreds and thousands of people. Just one person was enough. When she fell due to a gust of wind, if there was only one person that reached out to her…

Why was all of this excessive, unrealistic and impractical for her?

“I hope that you’ll become an empress that knows your place.”

Sotis did not give any response to Edmund’s words.

Enduring the unbearable grievance was already so hard that she couldn’t even reply to him.

* * *

“So you just watched as His Majesty Edmund held the mistresses in both arms?”

Sotis used her sleeve to cover her mouth and smiled faintly.

— Then what should I do? Should I rush in and drag them out by their hair? If I had done so, my body wouldn’t have been lying comfortably in the Empress’ Palace, but thrown into a cold underground prison.

“Of course you should have. In the kingdom of Beatum, when a married man commits an injustice, he has to shoulder everything thrown at him; the insults, the raw eggs and soft tomatoes. A mistress? I don’t understand Mendez’s aristocracy at all.”

After Sotis slowly told him about her story and caught her breath, Lehman’s response made her glance at him.

— Do you also do that to aristocrats? Isn’t it too much to publicly insult someone… 

“There’s very little notion of aristocracy in Beatum. Some representatives of the people assist the royal family in their work and discuss how they should lead the country. So anyone can govern the country, but they’re easily dragged out if they commit a mistake…… How is that excessive?”

Lehman, who’d moved the chair a little closer to the bed, added in a polite but somewhat dissatisfied voice.

“It isn’t excessive at all when you think about how much it weighed on the other person. The hearts of those that were in agony due to the improper actions would have been as painful as a piece of metal, which has been heated and being hammered everyday, suddenly falling into the middle of a frozen lake. Throwing a thousand eggs is far from enough to repay those sins.”

When Lehman, who had always been calm, got angry, Sotis eventually let out a deflating laugh. She shook her hand slowly to dissuade him, and the purple butterflies that responded to Sotis’s hand, gently landing on her fingertips, shoulders, and knees.

— He has had mistresses since he was a crown prince, but he didn’t put me in a difficult situation because of that. He didn’t mention about an Imperial concubine, and he also didn’t use another’s hand to pressure the Duke of Marigold politically. He also promised that his successor will be a child I have given birth to. 

Lehman still stared at Sotis angrily.

A faint smile that suited Sotis was on her pale face, but she had never smiled comfortably before. She would smile bitterly, smile resignedly, smile tiredly, and smile guiltily, even if it weren’t her fault.

What the hell did Sotis do so wrong?

— Of course, it’s just a matter of time. 

That meant that the emperor wasn’t just bringing in mistresses. He would make things difficult for Sotis, bring in concubines, and retaliate at the Duke of Marigold politically. Perhaps he might even find another woman to replace Sotis, who never had children during her marriage.

The emperor did not keep any of his promises to the empress, and the empress kept all her promises to the emperor.

It was an extremely unfair relationship, suffocatingly so.

“Your Majesty.”

— It’s alright. I’m used to enduring it by myself. Although I can’t even joke by saying that I did well…

She forced the corners of her mouth to go up and gave a habitual smile.

— But I feel a little better after talking to you, Lehman

“It’s an incomparable honour to be of service.”

— It’s too long for me to say it all at one go. I get exhausted as I talk…

Lehman asked her cautiously and earnestly.

“Can I come to see Your Majesty again?”

— Will you do that?

“If you’ll allow me, I would like to request Your Majesty to tell me a little more about your story.”

— It’s the first time I’ve told such a trivial story to someone else, so it’s incoherent… 

A delicate and amiable smile, one that was as bright as a glass, appeared on Sotis’s face.

— Let’s do that. Please come and visit often. Lord Wizard, for some reason… Even though this is our first meeting, you feel familiar. As though we’ve met somewhere before. Ah, what I mean is… I’m happy and at ease. 

Lehman was about to get up from his seat slowly, impulsively said.

“I have met Your Majesty before. Outside the Imperial Castle.”

Sotis shook her head agitatedly.

— I’ve never gone out of the castle secretly before. 

“………No.”

Lehman said in a stubborn tone.

“It was when Your Majesty wasn’t the Empress, but the Crown Princess. People didn’t address you as Her Majesty, they called you Lady Sotis. Otherwise they’d call you Crown Princess Sotis. It happened not long after the wedding, in midsummer.”

— ……

The wizard hesitated, but soon continued slowly.

“When I first arrived at the Mendez Empire, the first thing I saw was the bustling atmosphere due to the open summer festival. As it hadn’t rained for a while, the ground was warm even at night, and people were excited about how the new crown prince and crown princess would change the world.”

— There was a time like that. But… 

“I saw you there.”

Silence descended. Sotis still didn’t understand Lehman’s words, so she looked up at him with a tilted head.

— You might have been mistaken for someone else, Lehman. 

“I’m not mistaken.”

He declared.

Lehman soon became slightly dejected at the realisation that he was the only one reminiscing about their meeting, but he soon raised his head again with small hope.

The Sotis Marigold Mendez that he knew, that he remembered, and the same one that the world spoke of, was a wise and intelligent woman. She was prudent and possessed a good memory, so she handled everything meticulously.

As such, if she puts in a little effort, she might remember Lehman Periwinkle again.

“Your Majesty, until I come to see you again next time, please try to recall me.”

— You should give me a clue regarding what we talked about before leaving.

“Well…”

What should he say?

He had once practised what he should say if he ever met with her again. No matter what, he seemed quite impoverished. He felt like whatever embellishments would be awkward, and the only line that Lehman was left with amongst the numerous ones he had was…

“You saved me.”

There was only one.

— ……

Wind blew in from beyond the opened window, gently brushing against the curtain that was as thin as a woman’s shawl, the empress’ lavender-colored hair, and the wizard’s long brown hair.

— Let me think about it.

Sotis spoke quietly.

— Yes, we need a little more time. Would you like to come back and hear the answer later?

Lehman bowed deeply to her.

“Everything will be as Your Majesty wishes.”

* * *