If Only I Could Disappear - Chapter 6

Lehman’s tears made an appearance before Sotis twice.

The first was when he finished hearing about Sotis’ entire story over fifteen days ago, and the second was when she said that she remembered him.

“It just happened to be around the time of my spiritual eye’s awakening at that time, so I couldn’t remember Your Majesty’s face. Of course, I couldn’t even see what’s ahead of me clearly. But I knew as soon as I heard your voice. That warmth is deeply engraved in my soul, that I won’t ever forget it until the day I die.”

— All I did was give you a brooch, Lehman. 

“Your Majesty Sotis. That wasn’t just a brooch. It became my hope, and saved me from my predicament. Would I have been able to come here and visit Your Majesty like this if I was unfortunate enough to fall ill or starve to death while roaming around the streets?”

Sotis sat by the window quietly, and looked into those amber eyes of Lehman’s. Those eyes, which sparkled inhumanly, had a strange sort of warm and gentleness, despite how it didn’t look like a normal person’s eyes.

She hesitated for a moment and gave a bright smile.

— It’s really nice to see you again.

“I’m both happy and upset.”

Lehman’s eyes sank dejectedly.

“It breaks my heart to hear that Your Majesty had went through indescribable hardships.”

— Don’t say that, I’m alright. 

“What wrongs did Your Majesty commit? Why is His Majesty Edmund so heartless and vicious only to Your Majesty the Empress?”

— About that… 

A few years since Edmund has become the emperor.

As always, Sotis did her very best in her current position.

However, Edmund was still frosty towards Sotis.

* * *

“After this coronation ceremony, you will become the empress that you’ve looked forward to being for so long. It fills me with pride to see the patience that you have shown so far.”

Despite Edmund’s sneering, Sotis continued looking forward firmly.

“Does it seem that way to you?”

“Doesn’t it? You have never told me the answer. Is there a reason?”

“It’s because I’m aware that my response wouldn’t amount to anything.”

Even if she refuted him by denying it, would it be meaningful? Edmund wouldn’t listen even if she stated her view by mentioning the reasons that wasn’t the case and how sincere she was. She didn’t need to show her true feelings to those that trampled on and mocked Sotis’ efforts.

A few years have passed since her first meeting with Edmund. Sotis was still foolishly in love with that man, but at least she knew when to hide her true feelings.

“You said that you wouldn’t have excessive expectations. Is that resolution still valid?”

Sotis finally frowned and looked up at Edmund.

“Even if it isn’t valid, you’re not going to follow my wishes.”

“You’re quite clear on that matter. That’s why we shouldn’t do anything that would hurt each other’s feelings. I will afford you the minimum amount of courtesy.”

“The minimum amount of courtesy.”

One of the things Sotis regretted the most in her life was not being able to mock the expression he used at that time

Sotis did everything she could to prevent him from finding any flaws. She didn’t wear fancy dresses anywhere other than at official events. She didn’t wear overly flashy accessories as she was afraid that rumours about how she borrowed the emperor’s power to show off would appear, and she had never done anything in private, much less go on a trip.

It has been five years since their marriage

Other than the fact that she didn’t have any offspring, Sotis Marigold Mendez didn’t have any shortcomings.

“At this rate, what if an imperial consort is really brought in?”

Whenever the Duke of Marigold visited the Empress’ Palace and berated her, she could only smile bitterly.

When Edmund Lez Setton Mendez told Sotis that he would ‘afford unto her courtesy’, it was a complete lie.

Even in public, he could easily insult Sotis. Even before he became the emperor, it wasn’t enough that he spent time with other young ladies, he went around with several mistresses and disregarded Sotis after he ascended the throne.

It wasn’t that she didn’t have offspring. Edmund didn’t even look for Sotis enough for them to have a child.

“Even if that’s the case, the fact that I’m the empress wouldn’t change, Father. Please don’t worry as the Marigold Ducal family will be safe and sound.”

“Your Majesty, you have to do something about it. The innocent Marigold ducal family cannot be destroyed just because of Your Majesty.”

He was criticising her in a subtle way. She wanted to argue about how could that be her fault, but she could only hold it in.

No matter what, it was Sotis’ choice to ascend the Empress’ throne, so she had to prevent her family’s reputation from falling to the ground because of her.

Fortunately, Edmund’s affairs didn’t last for a long period of time. He went through this and that woman, but soon grew tired of them, perhaps because he lacked patience. It was almost as though he brought in mistresses because he wanted Sotis to be uncomfortable.

In any case,  in every generation, the Mendez imperial family had allowed a couple of mistresses in. As Sotis had seen the records of previous emperors, she didn’t feel surprised. Edmund had even done this since he was a crown prince, so she could only endure the familiar pain.

However, Edmund finally decided to bring in an imperial consort.

“Your Majesty Sotis, I’m begging of you!”

The Duke of Marigold shook her angrily. By then, Sotis also answered with a sharp cry.

“What more could I have done, Father!”

In that situation, what more could she have done?

At that time, Sotis did her absolute best. There wasn’t any moment in her life where  she didn’t give her all.

* * *

She was travelling with Edmund as there were matters in the South, and  on their way there, they entered a bar to take a look as it was abuzz. A young woman was being taken away by members of a human trafficking group.

Sotis couldn’t turn a blind eye, and stepped in front of Edmund for the first time. She’d even said that she’ll bring that woman in as her maid, and to sell that woman to her at twice the traffickers’ asking price.

After spending a huge sum to buy that woman, she said that she was the Margrave’s illegitimate daughter. She was the hidden daughter of Marquis Rosewood, whose territory was on the southern border.

Edmund was furious, saying that she was talking nonsense that defamed Marquis Rosewood, who was famous for being a faithful husband. But Sotis didn’t let the matter slide.

“You may use as many people as necessary, so find out the truth about the Marquis of Rosewood’s family. I’ll stamp the empress’ seal, so use it if necessary.”

It was the first time she used her position ever since she became the empress. Edmund was hopping mad, calling it a disgraceful matter for an old friend of hers, the only daughter of Marquis Rosewood, but Sotis remained firm in her opinion.

To a certain someone, it was just a matter of their reputation, while to others, it was a matter of life and death. The women that have been sold to human traffickers wouldn’t even know where and how they would die.

Eventually, Sotis revealed to the world that the woman truly was the Margrave’s hidden daughter, and cared about her life in the Imperial Castle.

“Though I was unable to predict such a future, I was able to gain a pretty good woman thanks to the empress.”

And that woman, Finnier Rosewood with passionate red hair, became Edmund’s mistress.

The emperor praised Fynn, saying that she was different from the many mistresses that brushed past him throughout his entire life. He’d even refused to call her by her name and instead called her with a nickname, ‘Fynn’. Whenever that happened, Sotis’ heart would burn black and the ashes would fly away, but she never expressed it on the surface.

At that time, she thought that she had brought it on herself. And she also thought that something like that wasn’t a big deal.

Even if it wasn’t Fynn, Edmund would have a mistress. If there was a good woman amongst them, she was bound to have become an imperial consort sooner or later. He was the type of person that would have done it a hundred times if he could drag Sotis down.

“Also, since she’s the Margrave’s daughter, she wouldn’t be faulted for her familial background. I’m thinking of bringing Fynn in as an imperial consort as soon as possible.”

Although she felt heartbroken, Sotis still didn’t regret saving Fynn.

The Duke of Marigold was angry that Sotis brought a seed into the Imperial Castle and made it possible for her to be kicked out, but she didn’t think that she made the wrong choice.

Fynn was just sitting in a position where many women once sat.

If she wasn’t given the name ‘Finnier Rosewood’, she would have died miserably in an unknown place.

It only happened because Edmund was displeased with Sotis over what had happened. It wasn’t right for her to blame Fynn.

“Do as you please.”

Sotis felt like she was swallowing a thorn. Her chest was burning and stifling at the same time, and it was hard for her to breathe.

She instinctively knew that Fynn was different from the many women Edmund had in tow. However, even when she knew about it, nothing would change. Rather, it only made it more heartrending.

Five years. Edmund, who hates her, has already displayed great patience.

Sotis resented time. Why did time have to flow impartially for everyone?

As the day of Finnier Rosewood’s imperial consort conferment ceremony gradually approached, Sotis wished that she would scatter and fly away, like the sand, the dust, and the dandelion flower seeds.

If only I could disappear.

If only, I, could disappear.

The idea kept following Sotis around like a shadow.

* * *

—…….

The situation happened without any prior indication.

The empress fell asleep peacefully and did not wake up on the next day.

No one knew why. The woman didn’t have any chronic illness, and without any foreshadowing, she continued to sleep endlessly

With a deep wound in her heart, it sank to a really deep place……

Sotis, who became a soul, merely looked down at her body, which was withering day by day.

— Please don’t cry. 

Just like that, a month has passed. People felt uneasy as she didn’t wake up, or even reflected on themselves. With the passage of time, she was about to finish what she had wanted to do unhindered.

None of them saw her soul, and none of them heard her voice.

But…

— My heart aches because you’re crying, Lehman. 

A wizard, no, only a single wizard could hear her voice.

“I hate those people that were cruel to Your Majesty. To me, it is deplorable that my benefactor was so heartbroken, and that her sorrow wasn’t alleviated by anyone.”

A wizard recognised her sorrow and shed tears.

— All emotions are originally supposed to be shouldered alone. The weight of life cannot be lifted or relieved by anyone. 

“So, even though Your Majesty has collapsed for a month, the Imperial Consort’s conferment ceremony is still going to proceed?”

— There’s only a few days left. I heard that they have a good relationship. I’d unintentionally overheard it from the talkative maids that were chattering while organising the room.

“Your Majesty….”

In order to observe her, Lehman had been entering and exiting the room for around half a month and had gotten a little closer to Sotis. As such, he automatically brought a chair to her bedside and sat down.

He shook his head agitatedly and asked.

“Don’t you hate those two people? His Majesty Edmund and Lady Fynn.”

— About how His Majesty Edmund is engrossed with Lady Fynn?

“Lady Fynn is too much, remaining by His Majesty Edmund’s side even when she knew that Your Majesty Sotis is present.”

During the journey to and from Sotis’ room, Lehman also overheard a moderate amount about the Mendez imperial family.

That Edmund and his mistress Fynn are officially getting married, and that Edmund acts like he’s going to die without Fynn. And even the fact that Fynn acted complacently with Edmund’s love at her back.

The Duke of Marigold was at a loss due to his hatred of Finnier Rosewood. He held the hand of Sotis, who was deeply asleep, and complained about that cheeky Fynn.

After Sotis collapsed, the Duke seemed to regret the mistakes he’d made, but he was still a man that prioritised his dignity.

— I’ll be lying if I say that I don’t dislike her. 

Sotis sat by the window, hugging her knees and with her entire body curled up. She was even more transparent than when she first met Lehman. Small lavender coloured butterflies were dangerously hanging from her head, shoulders, and hands.

— I seem to be jealous. Yes, I’m very narrow-minded. I envy Fynn. I’ve never received a gaze like that from His Majesty Edmund…

He was a man that knew how to look at someone as though they were lovely. Passionately whispering sweet nothings, a brilliant smile while holding a woman’s hand and affectionate whispers in the ear.

Whenever they displayed such an appearance in front of Sotis, her heart would break due to misery, jealousy, and sorrow.

Perhaps if Fynn wasn’t the illegitimate daughter of Marquis Rosewood, they would have loved each other. As passionately as Fynn’s red hair. Like everything else in the world had no meaning without the other.

— I’m envious. How was she so attractive even when she didn’t have anything? How does it feel like to love someone with all of their might? It isn’t something that I can know just by studying, imagining, or empathising. I don’t know anything about it. I guess that’s why I’m jealous. I… 

When he heard those words, a transparent tear fell onto Lehman’s cheek. The amber eyes that were full of unshed tears fell and dampened his other cheek again, and flowed down to his chin, glistening dangerously like raindrops on the eaves, and fell down.

“Your Majesty Sotis can also be loved.”

— ……

“Even if you don’t lift a finger, there will definitely be someone that likes Your Majesty just the way you are.”

— ……If you say that, it sounds as though such a day would definitely arrive.

“It will arrive. I will prove it to you. So… for now, think about opening your eyes once again only. Don’t disappear like this. I…”

Lehman spoke impulsively and earnestly.

“I’ll find a way. So please, Your Majesty, do all that you can to remain there.”

Sotis raised her head slightly. The purple butterfly sitting on the tip of her nose slowly flapped its wings and flew away.

She didn’t give any response. But Lehman noticed that he had bought himself some time from that faint smile of hers.

* * *