If Only I Could Disappear - Chapter 8

The detached palace’s small garden, which was devoid of a single flower, was more like a well-drawn painting than a garden.

As she leaned against the railing of the terrace facing the west, Fynn looked at the sunset with her long hair cascading down gently. The setting sun’s rays fell on Fynn’s red hair, red eyelashes, clear green eyes, and the exposed smooth shoulders and toes that couldn’t be covered by the blanket.

When the sun was setting, the western detached palace was particularly bright. It was the day’s most brilliant and dazzling moment, so Fynn would always enter the terrace at this time and stare as the sun hid itself below the mountain ridge. It was as though it would be completely forgotten with the long night that was about to unfold.

Although the emperor’s mistresses would often stay here, it did not mean that they hadn’t made an attempt to cultivate anything here.

“Now, I can call you Young Lady Rosewood. You’re about to become an imperial consort, Fynn. Congratulations.”

When she first moved into the detached palace, she would put the bouquets that she’d received as gifts into a vase. However, the fresh flowers didn’t last for more than five days before withering and becoming unsightly, so she had to throw them away.

The emperor brought her a small flowerpot when he saw her looking at the vase. Fynn placed it by the window and took care of it, but it withered soon after. Flowering plants also had worms, and they’d quickly turn unsightly or die in an instant if it wasn’t cared for by humans.

Fynn also quickly lost interest in flowers and trees. Although it looked very beautiful at that moment, she found it tedious when it always remained in the same place. She didn’t know how long she had to look at things that couldn’t speak or move.

She was eventually going to vacate this place anyways. It was considered a luxury to insist on planting and caring for something. She was only going to stay here until she became an imperial consort, so why not? With that thought in mind, Fynn refused all the gifts that were flowers.

“I hope that she’ll awaken before this flower withers…”

“Oh dear, is that possible? I’d rather import a cactus from Beatum. I heard that there is a small cactus that only grows there, and once it blooms, its flower will live much longer than other flowers.”

“Will Her Majesty like it? She seemed rather curious about the Kingdom of Beatum.”

When Fynn heard the maids whispering, she scanned the garden for a moment before leaving the Empress’ Palace.

The simple empress’ garden overflowed with vitality. Her Majesty Sotis’ only hobby was gardening. Even after she collapsed, the maids seemed to have continued growing the things that Sotis had taken care of, and the garden was filled with a warm yet refreshing atmosphere.

It was different from the extravagant central garden, but the feeling of liveliness was quite amazing. Fynn wanted to watch that scene for a little longer, but she couldn’t stay for long as the maids showed signs of uneasiness and displeasure if she did not leave and wandered near the empress’ palace.

“……That must be a different skill.”

What the Empress has and what she doesn’t have. It must be the same reason why the detached palace wasn’t lively despite the precious items that she used to fill it up.

No matter what, it didn’t matter. After all, she will eventually become the imperial consort, and Sotis couldn’t even rise from her bed.

Fynn took a cigarette out of a small box that was placed near the terrace. She lit the end of a long rolled up stick and inhaled the acrid smoke deeply.

But before she could finish taking three drags, a hand reached over her shoulder and took away her cigarette.

“Be cautious about this for the time being.”

Edmund took away Fynn’s cigarette with a disapproving look.

“After all, you’re going to have a child with this body.”

Fynn looked at the trampled cigarette, raised her lips sharply and refuted.

“Isn’t Your Majesty also a smoker?”

“It’s been a while since I’ve stopped. It’s because I shouldn’t be a bad influence on my child.”

At the sight of Fynn’s gaze, which remained fierce, Edmund brushed against the corners of her eyes soothingly.

“My first child has to be healthy. It’s better if others don’t have anything they can find fault with. I thought that you would understand me.”

She pondered for a moment and asked.

“Did you do the same when you were preparing for the Empress and her offspring?”

Edmund frowned when she mentioned Sotis, but pulled the blanket slightly upwards in order to cover Fynn’s shoulder.

It was because the wind was still strong, and Fynn, who’d got out of bed immediately, wasn’t wearing anything under the blanket.

“Yes. Though it was useless.”

Fynn continued asking even though she knew that it wasn’t his favourite subject.

“Why?”

Edmund was quite patient as he was aware of how she couldn’t suppress her curiosity.

“I don’t like embracing a woman that’s as stiff as a piece of wood. Whether it’s her or me, we’re both doing it reluctantly, so must I soothe a woman that bursts into tears like a sheep? Even after we finished the first night after ascending the throne, she left like she was trying to flee and didn’t return to bed until morning, and according to the maids, she hid in a corner of the garden to cry.”

“…….”

“She’d even refused several times ever since then. I felt like I was being insulted. Ever since then, I haven’t looked for the empress… Now that I don’t even have to do that anymore, I feel very comfortable.”

Edmund spoke like he was genuinely displeased, but Fynn didn’t respond immediately.

“Her Majesty Sotis should also be aware that it’s necessary.”

“I guess so. She’s not a child, so she should know what the position of empress entailed. That’s why it’s even more frustrating. Given our relationship, do we have to appease each other one by one? Should we have to comfort each other one by one? But that’s much better. Once, she fainted due to discharged blood. A woman that even reduced the little opportunities she had to null.”

Everyone in the Imperial Castle knows that the union between Edmund and Sotis was a loveless marriage of convenience. Shortly after she entered the Imperial Castle, Fynn also realised through high-ranking nobles that Sotis’ father, the Duke of Marigold, arranged the marriage between them under the pretext of imperial secrets.

The truth that was a sort of disgrace to Edmund. He hated the Marigold ducal family, who built their prestige by selling Sotis, and Sotis, who took advantage of her position to possess the empress’ throne.

Sotis would have known that the way she could maintain her position wasn’t Edmund’s heart. If she wanted to ensure that she wouldn’t be pushed down from that position, she had to have a child in order to strengthen the foundation of her power. It was fine if it was an imperial princess, but nothing would be better than an imperial prince.

Nevertheless, Sotis still refused to sleep with him.

She had a hunch that Edmund’s words weren’t everything. But Fynn didn’t pursue that line of thought. It wasn’t very important to her. Anyways, Edmund wasn’t looking for Sotis everyday, but her, as it was much more advantageous for her to have Edmund’s first child.

Fynn smiled sweetly and hugged Edmund’s waist. When he felt the soft and warm skin hidden underneath the thin blanket, the emperor laughed lowly and hugged her.

“I saw a wizard from Beatum walking through the garden, Your Majesty. Why are foreigners in the Imperial Castle?”

Edmund believed that he didn’t need to explain the political situation to Fynn. But he didn’t want to offend her by ignoring her question, so he gave her the simplest version of the answer.

“He’s a distinguished guest called by the empress. She collapsed before he arrived, so he can only stay here… As it’s slightly ambiguous for me to send him back  with only my authority.”

“A distinguished guest?”

“Yes, the people have suffered a great loss during the recent famine and epidemic, some regions that failed to handle the bodies in a timely manner, and thus rumours have been circulating about illusions of the dead appearing.”

“Ahh.”

In order to get advice on souls and magic, she sent a personal letter to Beatum, and so the person that came was Lehman Periwinkle. Fynn laughed dryly.

The situation was progressing miraculously. She couldn’t believe that a wizard that was invited over to deal with the soul-related issues, was talking to the empress’ soul.

When is the best time for her to reveal this fact effectively?

As Fynn sorted out the situation in her head, Edmund’s affectionate voice rang above her head with soothing words.

“I just can’t send him back immediately as the document inviting the wizard has the empress’s seal on it. If the empress is deposed, or if he returns back, I don’t intend to stop him. It will happen sooner or later. Has that wizard acted impolitely to you?”

“Not at all. I’m just asking because I’m curious.”

“There’s something that bothers you, just tell me about it. Don’t think about those trivial matters, don’t think about anything, Fynn. There’s no need for you to worry about things like politics. You should only ever look at good things.”

Was politics a chore? Fynn looked sideways at the sky. The sun had already set before she knew it, and it was getting dark outside.

All that Fynn did was open all the gifts that Edmund sent here, kiss him or fall asleep at the same place, take a relaxing walk or pleasant chat with the nobles.

Her life was like an affluent cat. She just waited for her owner’s touch, and was most comfortable with her owner’s love.

“Your Majesty, what is a woman to you?”

Edmund answered without much thought.

“You are a woman at least, even if you can’t become my empress.”

Contempt towards Sotis was filled within those short words.

Fynn slipped out of his arms.

“I’m going for a walk in the garden.”

“Let’s go together.”

“Didn’t you say that you have to stop by the office soon? You wouldn’t be late if you came after completing your paperwork, Your Majesty. I’m glad that you come to the detached palace every day, but people will blame me if your work was delayed.”

“Mm.”

Her words had a point. Edmund nodded his head unwillingly and let go of Fynn.

By the time Fynn dressed herself and walked through the central garden, the world had already darkened, and only the moonlight followed her quietly like a shadow. Her red hair, which was like a burning flame, darkened into the colour of blood, and the shadow at the tip of her toes slowly permeated on the surface of the floor, making it difficult to recognize its shape.

It was like that back then.

The world was so dark and the only thing that made things visible was a handful of weak moonlight, and there wasn’t any difference between closing and opening her eyes if that moonlight was extinguished.

“…….”

A few years ago, Fynn was brought to a bar whose location she was unaware of, and on that day, all that remained for her was to be sold as she was surrounded by unfamiliar and covetous gazes.

She didn’t know what kind of life she was going to lead. She didn’t know where she was being sold, who she was being sold to, and whether or not she’d be able to survive.

In fact, she didn’t have any expectations. For Fynn, an aristocrat’s mistress, a prostitute living in a cheap bar, a cold corpse without any familial ties; to her, all of this felt like the same.

However, it was Sotis Marigold Mendez who had changed her circumstances.

“I’ll buy this woman.”

At that time, sympathy was clearly within Sotis’ eyes. Her pity for others had saved Fynn.

If she knew that the woman she’d saved would be threatening her place, would Sotis have saved Fynn then?

When she thought about it that way, it wasn’t that Sotis wasn’t pitiful. Fynn was also capable of pitying others. But her safety was what was more important. For her survival, so that she wasn’t expelled, Fynn wasn’t in a position to decide this and that.

In a world where no one was promised anything, Finnier Rosewood had to protect herself no matter what. Just because Sotis’ soul was separated from her body and was wandering about, Fynn had no reason to be understanding of her situation.

To think that she wanted to disappear to such an extent. Wasn’t she overly weak-minded? Fynn shrugged her shoulders.

“There’s no helping it, Your Majesty Sotis. Because His Majesty Edmund loves me.”

Fynn didn’t believe in love. But only love will make her qualified.

She shouldn’t have been the imperial consort, but the empress. If the child she gave birth to became the next emperor, that would have been perfect.

Even if that place was a snowy mountain with a distant peak, Fynn was ready to scale it.

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