Irl Console - Volume 1 Chapter 3 Worst Nde Ever

“… Should I… Should I push it??”

“Well, what’s there to lose?? My marbles are obviously already gone…” Dave thought as he mentally pushed *~*.

Instantly the ‘key’ disappeared aaaannnddd nothing… Yup, nothing. Wait, the lower part of his vision was just a little darker and there was a blinking vertical line at the bottom left corner.

“Holy balls! It actually worked! Maybe there are benefits to being crazy! Wait, why am I even getting excited about this? It’s literally just a blinking line. Oh well, crazy people do crazy things I guess.”

To be honest, a part of Dave thought he was having a lucid dream but the other part of him genuinely believed that he was finally off the deep end. It was an odd situation to be in where he felt supremely sober whilst simultaneously being completely unhinged. Maybe this state itself was confirmation of his madness?

“Well now that I have a prompt I wonder if I can type?” Dave focused his attention on the prompt and willed some words into existence.

[Tattoo unicorns on your shaven balls!]

Damn, well… He hadn’t tried to write anything specific and had been listening to Steel Panther a lot recently so their lyrics just sort of appeared.

(A/N: From the song “Anything Goes” by Steel Panther – it’s ridiculously catchy.)

The good thing was that he was able to make words appear in the first place. Surely it would just take a bit of practice before he could write what he wants. Dave spent what seemed like an hour or so trying to type things to the console but the result was always the lyrics of whatever song happened to be running through his subconscious at the time.

[SHAMELESS!! VENGEANCE!!] – This time it was Ghost Flowers by a band called Otep…

He decided to give up for the time being and try to control the renegade playlist in his mind. One thing that was weird was that Dave’s pilot wasn’t showing any signs of awakening. In fact, Dave couldn’t even feel breathing.

“Shit! Am I dead? I once watched a doc.u.mentary that said that the brain floods with DMT at the moment of death. Could this be it? I want to say I’ve lived a full life but who the f.u.c.k am I kidding? I just spend everyday watching myself betray my own foolish expectations. I need to change. I need to persevere. I promised myself that I would last night after that delicious moment of control. It can’t end here!”

Dave stopped and observed the dark red background behind the console. He looked around but there really wasn’t anything else apart from what looked like a little reticle in the middle of his view and what looked like an mouse cursor over it. He could move it with his mind but that was about it. After drawing squiggles for a while Dave came to a conclusion.

“Boring… This is really f.u.c.k.i.n.g boring! If this is what a near death experience is like then where’s the damn white light? Cus’ I’ll walk into that sucker right now. I swear it! WORST NDE EVER!”

Bored to the point of tears, Dave started singing to himself.

[We gotta get out of this place! If it’s the last thing we ever do!]

He wondered to himself jokingly that The Animals may have written the song just for him. Then again, if ever there was a song written for Dave it was “Given Up” by Linkin Park (A/N: RIP Chester :'( ).

[Wake in a sweat again Another day’s been laid to waste In my disgrace. Stuck in my head again feels like I’ll never leave this place There’s no escape I’m my own worst enemy…]

Dave suddenly realized that the lyrics were typed up in the console while he hadn’t been paying attention. Well, it could use some formatting but it seemed that his mind hadn’t worked out how to press the return key yet.

“Hmmm, seems like it runs off the musical pathways in my mind. I wonder if I could type actual console commands if I just sang them? Maybe I should start with letters…”

[ABCDEFG…]

“Oh my Lord it actually worked! So what happens if I type an actual command? And even if I do that, would anything actually happen? Haha here comes the crazy again… Or maybe I’m just hopeful that magic can actually exist? Ah, worry about that after I manage to type something properly.”

“So, what should I type first? Actually first I should go about clearing the prompt… Hmm, what If I just press return?” Dave figured the best place to start was just imagining the return key on a keyboard and pressing it. As soon as he did so, to his delight, something happened.

[Script command “Tattoo unic…WXY and Z” not found.]

The prompt was back blinking away beneath the line of text.

“So now what? I don’t even know what commands this thing takes. Is it actually like Skyrim? If so then looks like I’ll have to go with the Beatles…”

[Help] *Return*

“Oh sweet fainting goat!” Dave’s head felt like it was going to explode as the console filled with printed text. “Ah yes, I forgot this happens… Ummm right was it *Page Up*?” The text changed.

“Haha ok!”

*Page Up* *Page Up* *Page Up* *Page Up*

Dave set about scrolling through the list of commands and, well, stuff… He didn’t know what most of it did. Eventually though he did come to something that caught his eye.

[EnablePlayerControls (epc) -> 9 optional (0/1) values. movement|fighting|pov|looking|sneaking|menu|activate|journal|POV Type ex: 1 0 0 1 0 0 0 0 0]

Well, wasn’t he the ‘player’? Dave then composed a short musical masterpiece and…

[epc 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1] *Return*

Nothing happened.

“Well haha I guess I shouldn’t have got my hopes up.” Dave mentally sighed to himself. “Hmmm… May as well try again since I have nothing better to do.”

Again nothing. Again. Again. Again…

Dave once more lamented the sheer monotony of his current afterlife. As far as he was concerned he likely had eternity ahead of him just to sing songs at a pointless console that does sweet f.u.c.k all. Oh how he hated the silent pilot! Even in death he tortured him! One day of watching him cheat endlessly was bad enough but now Dave was to be accompanied by this f.u.c.k.i.n.g console forever!

*~* [tgm 1] *Return* *~*

*~* [player.additem 0002ac61 1] *Return* *~*

Flashbacks of yesterday caused Dave to mentally grind his teeth in irritation.

“Wait- I’m missing something here…” Dave thought as he recalled the cheating pilot.

“Oh for f.u.c.ks sake! *~*!”

Then everything changed…