Isekai For My Ex - 94 The Selfish Selfless

“Stop calling my formally and just call me Rara are you really going now? There’s still time after all”

I pointed at the new moon that have just appeared in the skies.

Trying to hold him longer, I tried starting small talk.

Michaela, if you’re hesitating to talk to him, I’m going to hold him as much as I can, but I won’t be able to hold him longer, he has to return after all… to his own battle.

“Yes your majesty, I’ll be going now I still have to do lots of stuff.”

He replied directly without a slight hesitation, as if he’s in a hurry.

Just how much would this person give himself for the person he loves?

Not hesitating to go back to a battlefield where he fights alone, slowly losing himself, doing things he wasn’t used to.

It turns out, Andrei was a really kind person before.

I do not care for what happens to those vile creatures that eradicated half of our population, but his mental state worries me.

Eventually his heart would break.

A kind person like him who didn’t want to hurt people, was now forced to hurt beings that a bit resembles humans to extract information.

Maybe deep inside, subconsciously he still recognized them as a species of humans.

After all, according to Eagle, they could talk, and even mock him as Andrei tortures them.

Seeing him run through his things and trying to answer Gideon’s small talk, I tried asking him a question I’ve been holding on for a while out of respect, and so Michaela who’s still concealing herself could hear it.

“Then… Andrei, aren’t you concerned about the people you left behind?”

Hearing this, I noticed him flinch a bit as he started to cover his mouth again with the bandana, now he looks just the same as I saw him arrive.

Him not answering him, was an answer for me, so I proceed with a few of my personal thoughts, talking to him as Rara and not as the Empress.

“You see, Andrei… I’m a bit angry about you, as a woman you see.

I know that you are doing this for Claire and Michaela, and you had a point about not telling them about this war you are waging yourself to lift Claire’s curse, but as a woman I really find it harsh.”

This question is for the person hiding behind the tree.

If you can’t show yourself, then as a woman I’ll tell him exactly what I think.

Even our questions for him might be different, as both women who love him.

The answer to this question should be at least one or two answers to what you want to ask if you want to confront him.

So just listen to this answer, if you don’t want to show yourself, this is at least what I can do for you.

“Really?”

His reply was a but a single word that it made me sigh.

“Yes, yes, really” I nodded.

“You immediately made a judgement that the Michaela might do something risky and come with you if you told her where you are going, but isn’t that only your opinion? What if you talked it out with her and properly came up with a decision? Should you be really doing this? This self-sacrifice shit is just your own selfishness, right?”

He might hate me after this, but these questions are both from me and if I was in Michaela’s shoes.

Michaela… please show up and confront her yourself, this is unfair as a woman, to be the one to ask this.

“That rainy afternoon she pleaded me… not to leave her… though I understand her because she fears being alone, but I got that feeling, that deep inside she might have already given up on Claire, that’s why I left.

Then… that means that there’s a chance that she would still come if I told her, or she would bind me at that castle.

Michaela is way more beautiful when she smiles from the bottom of her heart. I know she won’t be able to be truly happy, if Claire is at that state forever.”

“I know but—”

“I know what you are saying your majesty, it’s about the woman’s heart right?”

Woah, I’m surprised that he gets it.

“Yes, good guess, then what do you think about that?”

“Ahh… it’s simple, I would rather make her hate me rather than throw her life in danger.”

“Is that self-sacrifice feels really that good, Andrei?

Why do you not rely on others that much? Are you insulting us?

Do you know how special she thinks about you, and you say those hurtful words so lightly as if your life doesn’t matter!”

Given his nonsensical answers, without noticing it myself, I became a part irritated that I answered him storngly as I crossed my arms and looked up to him, as he was obviously much taller right now.

“You know your imperial majesty, it was Michaela who found me when I had no home, she sheltered me and gave me a home in this world, plus she also told me she loves me, and I too love her as we spent our days together.

It’s hard to explain, but if you are going to tell me your point as a standpoint of a woman, my argument is on my standpoint as a man.

Though it may sound unreasonable or selfish, or it may sound like idiotic self-sacrifice.

But… for me this is my love for her.

Believe me…

In this world that doesn’t make sense, she became my one and only light.

That’s why I’ll be selfish and put myself back to the darkness again.

So that the one who has given me that light — Michaela, who’s now sitting in the darkness right now with the loss of Erneis, an uncle figure and a loyal knight and Claire, her one and only family — her sister, could find hope once more.

This time I’ll be the one bringing that light to her, and you can laugh at me, and hate me for what I’m doing but I don’t care what everyone else thinks of it.”

He then went towards me and suddenly patted my head without warning.

It reminded me of the time when she patted my head on Ethareri, the days where I was full of doubt on myself and on him.

In a way, he was the one who brought that hope to me, and the reason why I fell for him.

Then at that moment, when I looked at him, his eyes shined for a moment and I saw it smiling towards me, although I can’t see his mouth anymore if it smiled or not as a bandana covered it — but I can feel it, at that moment he truly came back to his former self as he tried to console me.

“Please understand, this is also being a man for the woman he loves means.

It can’t be reasoned with, because it’s stubborn,

It’s selfish because it wants to keep his loved one safe,

Right now this is the only solution that presents itself, and even how much danger it possess I’ll still move forward for the those that I love.For both of them.

To return Michaela and Claire’s smile”

Seeing once again his warm smile to me as his manly but warm and gentle hand caressed my head, I couldn’t help myself anymore but look down. To hide my embarrassment and tears.

It embarrassed me to be happy by his touch, but I was deeply hurt that he admits that they were the ones he cares for.

I flicked away his hand and move a step away.

“You shouldn’t be doing that to the empress! Do you want to be beheaded?!”

I don’t know if his eyes returned to its usual state or not, but I noticed his shoulder slightly move as if laughing.

Did he just laugh at me?

Okay, it’s death penalty then.

Then he turned to me and his eyes were now back to its normal, the Andrei whom I met outside the portal.

He and Raven and Eagle then went near to me as the three bowed to me, Gideon and Layla in unison as their goodbye.

“Thank you for everything your imperial majesty, we shall return with good news.”

Eagle and Raven then disappeared the portal first after talking with Gideon and offering their farewells.

At the same time Andrei turned around as his mantle fluttered.

Seeing him disappear halfway to the portal I forgot something very important.

“Andrei, anything I should pass on to Michaela after I get you executed by my order?”

He raised his hand without stopping.

“Tell her not to wear the military uniform when she sleeps, it ruins the purpose.”

“Huh? What does that mean?”

And just by a little his smugness came back.

Andrei didn’t really change that much in the end, rather he was just focusing on the battle, he knows still didn’t end, that’s why he was on his guard not to forget about it.

He may knows that he’s the biggest coward and might abandon that world of war, solitude, pain and death, and stay here once and for all abandoning any hopes of saving Claire.

So he pushed himself to return immediately, not meeting anyone who will tie here in this world.

I don’t even know anymore if he’s selfish or selfless.

Andrei then disappeared to the portal, and then the light on the portal finally disappeared without a trace.

“You heard him Michaela, I don’t know what it means but is it important? That newly issued uniform of yours?”

I went towards the tree and looked behind it.

There I saw the queen of Ethareri crying her heart out, trying not to make a sound.

Tears flowed from her eyes like a river, even how much she tried to wipe it it still kept coming.

She cried without a sound, trembling, even when Andrei wasn’t already there.

Seeing it I felt my heart sinking further, I also want to cry right now.

Teary eyed I sat beside her and hugged her.

“Michaela, you can cry out loud now, he already went to the other side. You hear everything, right?”

On that night a beautiful woman cried in the forest basking in moonlight, she cried for her lover who has set off into battle for her, lamenting on her weakness to stop him on a mission that would most likely cost him his life.

As she tried to stand, and ran over to the portal screaming for his name no one was already there but a bunch of ruins.

She didn’t have the courage to face him; the portal closed leaving her a mix of bitterness and regret.

She dropped on her knees as she screamed out her pain; it was the pain of loss, a pain of powerlessness to stop him, and her longing for him.

Seeing her lost, I covered Michaela with the ragged mantle Andrei left to replace it with the new one.

And she pulled the two sides close to her heart, engulfing herself with it.