Isekai’d Shoggoth - Chapter 135: What A Mess! Let`s Talk About It…

“A fine day we’re having, fraulein, isn’t it so? A bit smoky, fair enough, but with a delectable tang of frying lard and rank stupidity wafting about.” – Falstaff offers wryly.

“A local flavor, you could say.” – I offer agreeably – “Got a reason for being seen with me, Falstaff? I’m not exactly the most beloved person in Kraut.”

He gestures around expansively, indicating the empty street in front of us. “Seen is a little strong of a term, here.” – he quips – “Spied on from behind the closed shutters, maybe. A noble bonvivant gallantly laying down his limb and life to distract a furious mother from a well-deserved vengeance spilling all over the town, mm? Not the worst thing to be remembered for, to be honest.”

Cy snickers on my back. I can’t help but echo. “Fair enough.” – I have to agree.

“Any man has right to go left, but maybe you should leave right today.” – Cy comments from her perch cryptically, making Falstaff perk up for a moment. Well, she clearly is warning him about something. I wonder how Cy does that. My attempts at figuring out precognition didn’t go anywhere at all. Did she end up grabbing all the metaphysical bits that enable precog when we split or something? Huh. Or she can do that because she is in that weird “part but separate” metaphysical condition where she is technically me, but also a completely independent person.

“Duly noted, lieb madchen.” – he retorts easily. Huh, I thought all of Kraut spoke yiddish. Apparently, there also exists a straight-up German analog. The same situation as with French and English in Champagne? Old tongue and new tongue, respectively? Curiouser and curiouser.

“So.” – I prompt him.

Falstaff sighs, smoothes his hair with his palm, clears his throat. “So…” – he begins – “If I may prevail on your hospitality, jungfrau Gillespie, I find myself in urgent need to confer with his excellency kronprinz Hiram and see her excellency prinzessin Katherine with my own eyes.”

As we proceed down the deserted street toward my airship, I mull things over. Falstaff, insofar as I can tell, is one of Hiram’s men. And not just a crony, either. So either he is so competent at what he does that Hiram is overlooking his rampant lechery, or, which is more likely, at least partially Falstaff’s lechery is just a pretense. Obfuscating idiocy is a remarkably efficient tactic, even now he can easily claim that he simply took this whole mess as yet another chance to talk himself into my bed and people will believe him because his reputation is thoroughly that of a sexual maniac. The fact that he knows about copperphones implies he is from Hiram’s inner circle. Maybe I should discreetly offer Hiram to kit out his people with some good gear. He is, after all, the safest horse to bet on in Kraut politics.

With that in mind, I pull out the tablet and poke the contact for Hiram which I integrated from the copperphone I had paired to his. I really need to give him a tablet. Maybe a couple more of them as a diplomatic gift “for the betterment of relationships” or some such.

“…Good day, yes? Alyssa? What is going on?” – Hiram is apparently ready to talk right now. Still…

“Have a few moments for me, Hiram?” – I offer – “Falstaff is next to me, by the way, so don’t be surprised if he pitches in.”

“Ahem, good afternoon, your excellence.” – Falstaff pitches in immediately – “You were quite right about needing me present in Nornburg. Prinzessin Katherine is in the city, graf Norn just ceased to be, and so did baron Hanslich, and I may need a tankard of ale to deal with the situation.”

That last bit… sounds a bit like a code phrase for something.

“Scheisse.¹ [Shit.] ” – oh. Wow. Hiram is not happy – “…My apologies, lady Gillespie. Forgive me, for I will need to be curt right now. There is much to be done. This man, Falstaff, is my personal spymaster. Do not let his apparent lasciviousness fool you – he is a very competent fellow and has my full confidence to do what has to be done. May I prevail upon you to loan the copperphone to him for a while so that I may hear his report and give him the instructions? And while we are at it, could you possibly furnish some copperphones to him? Cost is no object.”

“I can…” – I drawl – “But I’m phasing copperphones out already. Might I interest you in some tablets? All the functionality of copperphones plus text sharing, image sharing, caller selection…”

“Fglurgh!”

Falstaff’s reaction is quieter but no less amusing. I never saw one’s brows go THAT high before.

For optimal levels of WTF, I trace over the link I have to Hiram’s copperphone, teleport a very little drop of me under it after ascertaining that Hiram had dropped it on the floor and is currently staring at it in befuddlement, pulse out a very simple illusion that basically reflects light from the arbitrary surface between me and Hiram for a few moments, and while the phone is hidden, I cut out the quantum entanglement key bit, shred the rest and replace it with a brand new tablet, slotting the QEK into it so that Hiram still has a secure line to me, pull over the rest of surprise where I intend it to be via shoggoth bullshit, then pull the instance back, dismissing the illusion in the same time.

“…Geter aun shtern!² [Gods and stars!] ” – Hiram is surprised, yes. Judging by the fumbling sounds, he is picking up the tablet. Video call time? Video call time. He blinks in surprise, Falstaff blinks back at him. They exchange a complicated series of facial expressions, finally settling on silently awed on both sides.

“…How much.” – Hiram then requests with quiet but intense urgency.

“I sell them for fifteen gold per unit. Twelve if you buy twenty or more at once.” – I explain – “I’ve put aside a dozen for you as a gift, check behind the couch. Well, eleven, I presume you want Falstaff here to have one. Entanglement encryption bits are one ecu per set of two, three or four and two ecu per set of five, six, seven or eight. Keep in mind that if you call someone using those, only people with the corresponding bits can join in the conversation. Regular calls can be tapped into by a capable mage, though I am unsure just how long will it take for someone sufficiently crafty to get their mitts on one of my tablets and pick it apart sufficiently enough to figure out how to tap in.”

Falstaff, to his credit, receives a tablet without fumbling. A few minutes are spent on showing both of them what can be done on a thing, all the while Hiram’s expression getting more and more haunted. What’s eating him?

“…And you say Champagne Merchant Guild already has these tablets?” – he repeats faintly – “And that… Network Node?”

“They were given the offer, yes. I can’t tell you what they decided to buy and how much, you surely understand.” – I retort.

“So they definitely have both, then.” – Hiram scoffs – “At the prices you quoted, sheesh… And you will sell to me, right?”

“Sure, so long as you buy them through Champagne Merchant Guild. If you want to buy them directly as the Kraut government, I’mma tack on an extra ecu to each unit. Consider it Klaus tax.” – I smirk at him.

He frowns and sighs. “Fair enough.” – he mutters bitterly – “My thanks for leaving me a loophole to skip the stupidity fee. And while we are at it, please accept my heartfelt, if an unofficial, apology for that latest debacle. Rest assured, Klaus was properly remonstrated and will NOT attempt anything of the sort on his own cognizance again. Belatedly, while we are on the topic of buying, I have been getting requests for the purchase of your wares from my people. Would you be amenable to receiving a list of things we are interested in and giving me a quote on what you would permit us to buy?”

“Hiram, see this icon? One that says “Buy now”?” – I counteroffer – “Check it out.”

“…Kinovs eshirus!³ [Kinov`s fortune!] ” – yep, he saw it – “…Wait, but… oh… but… And… Oh. And huh. Tele-what?”

“Teleportation.” – I repeat for him – “If you are buying sufficient amounts of expensive and fragile wares, like tablets, I will transport them by magic for free. You need to have a tablet to receive this service, though.”

“Oh. Oh my yes.” – he croons, scrolling through the list if his finger movements are of any indication. I give him a moment but then clear my throat. He jumps.

“Oh! My.” – he reiterates, making me think of a certain japanese man saying the same line – “Terribly sorry, but this is utterly fascinating. I do intend to buy… quite a lot.”

Falstaff wisely interrupts – “This might require some consultation with mume Magdalene and dokter Netsboym before we commit to any purchases, my prince. For now, there are more pressing matters in Nornburg, if you pardon the reminder.”

Hiram visibly stuffs his shopping enthusiasm into a metaphorical box and dons a serious expression.

“Quite so, thank you Falstaff.” – he agrees hastily – “Katherine. Where is she currently?”

“On my airship.” – I interject – “She overheard count Norn planning to kidnap my daughter and snuck out to warn me. She’s fine and safe, we can arrange for a face-to-face once we are back at the ship.”

Hiram heaves a sigh. “…Kathy.” – he grumbles, squeezing the bridge of his nose – “…Do forgive me for saying this, but I had high hopes she never meets you, lady Gillespie. I shudder to think what might come out of you two colluding. Oh well, I’ll take her being safe as a consolation prize. What about count?”

Falstaff shakes his head – “Very dead.”

“…Very?” – Hiram repeats with a puzzled expression.

His spymaster grimaces before answering – “He ended up smeared over the wall of his castle.”

“…Smeared?” – Hiram repeats again, dumbfounded.

“Like a warm butter stick over the bread.” – Falstaff continues to wince – “With all due respect, your excellency, but I do dearly hope you won’t pick me as your messenger if you ever have an upsetting message for the jungfrau Gillespie.”

“…I see.” – Hiram is clearly unsure about the matter, but elects not to press on. I think he’s just waiting on Falstaff to give him a proper report, without me hovering over his shoulder – “Was that truly necessary?”

“If you were to ask me, I would say yes, your excellency.” – Falstaff pipes up immediately, even though Hiram was clearly pointing that question to me – “Between what prinzessin Katherine found out and what I myself had learned since my arrival here last evening, even if lady Gillespie didn’t happen to the graf, Klaus would very soon. It’s astounding really, how much wrongdoing was actually going on in Nornburg recently. I am still collecting the information, my prince, but insofar my hunch is that graf and his ilk heartily disliked royal charter on the tar roads. And by extension, you, since you are known far and wide as the person who brokered the agreement. I shall give you the details and minutiae with my report later.”

“Even so? Fine then. I am writing you permission for a blood feud, Alyssa. If I backdate it to… Huh? What’s wrong?” – he proceeds to offer.

“Katherine already wrote one out for me yesterday.” – I explain. This is, strictly speaking, a lie, she wrote one dated by yesterday once she saw me blowing shit up in Nornpalatz.

“…I see. I shall write my own for the same date then, two separate endorsements by the royal family should put any questions to rest.” – he concludes – “What happened to baron Hanslich? As far as I remember him, he was a cautious sort. How did he end up mixed up in all of this?”

“For reasons better known only to him, the baron invited me to stay over at his estate yesterday.” – I begin explaining – “I found his hospitality to be… lacking. He elected to place half of my family into servant quarters and had the gall to offer me to pick whichever three maids out of his estate that I desired for the night in exchange for allowing his son to bed Bridgit. While I do strongly suspect he made such an offer under the misconception that Bridgit is my maid, rather than my wife, I was less than inclined to continue abiding by his hospitality after such an affront. I did explain that much to him in no uncertain terms while leaving. His people came by later asking what I would consider a sufficient gift to soothe the affront, but frankly, this barony of his just does not have anything I care enough to ask for, and what money he can contribute without pauperizing himself and his domain is a pittance to me. I think he took umbrage at me for stating this much. Hiram, out of curiosity, why would a provincial baron even think he has the oomph to entertain the duke’s firstborn? I’d understand him coming short if I insisted on visiting him, but the invitation was entirely his own initiative. What did he think would happen?”

“Sooo… Baron screwed up and offended you while you were a guest in his house. You left and later on refused to let him make apologies on the grounds of him not being worth much to you, period. And his response was to go whine to his liege and take part in an ill-conceived scheme to detain your own firstborn?” – Hiram sums up, pinching the bridge of his nose again – “Geter kllh zey ale.⁴ [Gods damn them all.] ”

___

Katherine is staring open-mouthed at her brother’s face on the other side of the tablet link. Hiram has a severe frown going on.

“You are certain of this.” – he does not ask as much as makes a statement. Katherine nods, still looking very much awestruck. She was very impressed by the tablet. Hiram sighs explosively.

“This is clearly not my day.” – he mutters, looking very tired all of a sudden – “Kathy. If you proceed with your plan, frau Hershnbukh will suffer. Do you truly want this?”

“My governess of six years. The person whose face comes up in my mind whenever I hear the word hypocrisy. The person I can without reservation claim to be the one I loathe the most in the whole world. The person who successfully stole mother’s earrings and gleefully persuaded everyone that I dropped them in the lake. That frau Hershnbukh.” – Katherine bites out – “Why yes, my brother dearest, I truly want that harridan to suffer. Goodness gracious, you might even say that I was diligently scheming to bring about her utter demise for years, by now. Years listening to her utter tripe about what is “womanly” or not so much. Years spent watching her eat my sweets, wear my jewels, tear my books, cause me grief. Goodness, I do believe I DO want her to suffer ever so slightly, indeed! Why, I just might ask the eminently praised lady Gillespie to give me some much-appreciated guidance on how to disembowel a bitch in the slowest and most painful manner possible if you pardon the crudeness, brother dearest.”

Oh my. Oh my indeed. That’s… impressive spleen venting, Kathy. Industrial grade bile here.

“…I… don’t know what to say, Kathy.” – aaand Hiram is rather befuddled by someone else, for a change – “…I want to ask why you never said anything to me, but I have a hunch that I won’t like an answer to that. Let me guess, you tried, she came up with some kind of trivialization or even deflected the blame back on you in some manner and you made a decision that trying to involve me or father is pointless until you have something truly ironclad, am I right?”

Katherine nods, her expression pinched – “Just so.”

“Alright. However, you came to Nornberg before Alyssa, so giving her permission to wreak havoc in the city was definitely not a part of your plan. So are you taking the opportunity now, or you are simply improvising an adaptation?” – her brother inquires.

Katherine smirks as she pulls her hand out of her pocket. Two earrings dangle from her fingers, each a string of spherically cut gems stacked into a rainbow of colors. An impressive and likely unique set of earrings. The kind queen would have. According to what I could hear from their conversation, this governess is a commoner. An educated one, but a commoner nonetheless. She’s not stupid, given that Katherine needed literal years to work around her, so why the hell did she want something so blatantly unique? What is the point of an adornment you do not dare to show to anyone?..

Oh. Oh, wow. That’s… elaborate. Impressive spells on them. “I… think I see why your governess wanted these in spite of never being able to show them to anyone ever.” – I muse – “How did you even manage to pilfer them back? The amount of surveillance those things permit is insane.”

Aaand both of them are looking very chagrined right now. “…Scheisse.⁵ […Shit.] ” – Katherine reacts first – “My apologies, lady Gillespie, but I simply did not expect of you to discern the enchantments just from seeing the earrings. I beg of you to keep this a secret. Those earrings had saved countless Hohenzollerns ever since the foundation of our family.”

“…Myeah, fair enough. And she blamed YOU for losing that kind of relic? I can see why you want to see the color of her guts, indeed.” – I agree. Yeah, I can see even my ever so awesome parents being long-term pissed off at me if I were to drown something THAT valuable by goofing up. No wonder Katherine is considered to be estranged from Alphonse, he must have been furious with her at the time.

“Quite.” – she agrees – “Anyway, the plan was simple. I came to Nornburg because the thieving bitch actually encouraged me to act on my whims, no doubt in order to keep me looking as airheaded and unreliable as possible. So when I made my whim, she only put up some token resistance and even made sure only a few guards came along, ones that she has a lot of say with. Falstaff warned me before that some of the nobles including Norn had commissioned anti-enchantment wards due to “White Witch” gaining notoriety. My plan was to use Norn’s new wards to force Ilza to stash the earrings when she invariably goes for a meeting with graf “on my behalf”, as it were.”

She nods to Falstaff who continues sedately – “Prinzessin Katherine contacted me a month ago with some instructions regarding Nornburg. Her requested tools and materials were prepared and sequestered throughout Nornpalatz to create an appearance of having had always been where they were. I was unaware of the existence of the earrings, but I did surmise that prinzessin is suspecting her governess to possess some sort of spying artifact, hence the precautions.”

“Once she was gone, I tricked one of the guards into swallowing a cupful of a poppy tincture, let them faint then used the tools Falstaff placed before to break into the jewelry box and took the earrings back. Then I hightailed it out of there and on the way to the side door, accidentally picked on the conversation between Norn and Hanslich via the earrings. Initially, I simply planned to take a horse and ride off in a random direction, change horses and roads a couple of times then lay low in some village tavern and send a pigeon to Falstaff to come to pick me up and get me straight to Berlinger without letting Ilza intercept me. She would obviously know the earrings are gone, but she could not even explain how they look to anyone without essentially confessing to theft from the royal family in the process, so her only recourse would be to declare I am running away or being kidnapped. But, well… Norn is a horrifying blackguard in his own right. Just from a simple walk through his palace with the earrings, I have found no less than three female corpses being hidden around. And what he did to his own mother is… horrifying.” – Katherine shudders as she thinks back – “So, anyway, once I learned lady Gillespie is present, I immediately settled upon her airship as the best possible way of egress.”

She turns to me and smiles apologetically – “No offense meant, but according to everything I heard, your assistance is simply a matter of the right price, so long as no one asks you to do something illegal or harmful to yourself and yours. And I did prepare a selection of possible valuables to entice you with. Learning of Norn’s plot against you was simply luck, but since I did find out about it, I would be rather foolish not to try and get in your good graces by warning you as quickly as possible.”

I quirk my brow. “But I am not even going in the direction of Berlinger.” – I object – “In fact, after I’m done here, we’re going to fly further east, to the Transbalkan lands.”

“Maybe so, but I am well aware Hiram possesses a copperphone paired up to the one you have.” – she proffers back reasonably – “And since you and Hiram are on amicable terms, I concluded that persuading you to let me have a conversation with my brother would not be problematic. And Hiram would realize there is no sane reason for me to say I have mother’s earrings unless I am confident I do indeed have them. That alone would be sufficient cause for him to make sure Ilsa is not allowed to take charge of me before I get to show my hand.”

I shrug. “Fair enough.” – I agree – “Barring something really ridiculous happening, your conclusions are quite consistent and logical. However, the situation right now is… a little different.”

Falstaff raises his hand – “If ladies would permit… Some of my men are keeping an eye on the governess and her retinue. She is currently searching for the prinzessin throughout the estate, due to some of my people spreading rumors that prinzessin had panicked at the sound of explosions and run off to hide in the gardens behind the castle. It will take her the better part of today to give up. She is yet unaware the earrings are gone and she does not dare to go get them because she was among the people who saw graf Norn getting his comeuppance and it is a matter of public knowledge she immediately departed in search of prinzessin. I have some plans in motion to further muddy the waters for her and tie her up chasing false trails in Nornburg. Next… If my prince and my princess are both in agreement, I would like to ask if you would consider selling us a special service, lady Gillespie. In particular, how much would it cost to hire you to teleport a pair of priceless royal heirloom earrings from Nornburg to crownprince Hohenzollern’s private rooms at the Berlinger royal castle, where the aforementioned crownprince is currently residing?”

Huh. Crafty. “One denier, Falstaff. Kindly write out the agreement while I am filling out the receipt.” – I grin at him as I pull out the writing utensils and pass some of them to Falstaff to handle his half of the bureaucracy. Five minutes later, he passes a copper coin to me, a pair of earrings disappear, Hiram’s table is briefly obscured and then we see earrings sit there along with a receipt copy for him to sign and keep. Falstaff signs my copy of the recipe on our end, once Hiram confirms to him that the earrings are genuine.

“Now… what am I going to do with you, Kathy…” – Hiram muses – “It would be best for everyone involved if you could disappear somewhere for a while. I’d rather keep your former governess completely off-balance. If she thinks she fouled up and someone kidnapped the princess in addition to robbing the thief, she is bound to make mistakes. Falstaff is working on certain matters in Nornburg to that effect, we should know what remains to be done by tomorrow. Ostensibly speaking, I can simply have Falstaff’s men arrest her and bring her to Berlinger in a sack for some, ahem… discussion. But I dislike this option because I do not believe your governess acted on her own in all this. She is no pawn in this conspiracy, true, but she’s no queen either. Someone else is aiding her behind the scene and I want her to panic and give out her benefactors.”

He sighs and looks at me. “Lady Gillespie, may I ask of you to look after my sister until such time you return to Parsee to attend the Academy, as a personal favor to me?” – he then says entirely seriously – “I shall endeavor to grant you any boon of your choosing in return if it is within my power to do so and does not betray my country.”

“Hiram, I intend to leisurely travel through Transbalkans with my harem. Are you entirely certain you want to send your little sister off with us? I make no guarantees she does not come back bent.” – I warn him in the strongest terms possible.

“Pffhahaha! Good grief, brother, you sure know how to give yourself a headache.” – Katherine guffaws at my warning, and even Falstaff grins.

Hiram snorts – “If there is one thing I care not about it would be whom my sister prefers to bed. Alyssa, I do know you well enough to know you are strongly against any coercion in matters of love so if Katherine does come back as a harem girl, that is entirely on her. Jokes aside, I will obviously cover her expenses in gold or wares as you prefer. Falstaff’s people are collecting some of her personal belongings right now, they will be delivered to Nornburg before you depart, or failing that I might prevail upon your teleportation services once again. I will settle the matter with father and break the truth about earrings to him gently.”

Katherine frowns but remains silent as Hiram raises his hand – “Kathy, I know you’re irked by this. You want to throw this in father’s face, and gods be witnesses, you would not be in the wrong for doing it. I know this, you know this… and once the truth comes out, our father will know this too. You might be dubious about it, but he did confess to me that he regrets his harsh words. He just… does not know how to put it right. He wants to apologize, just does not know how. When he learns about this, and I swear he will, this is too big to spare his feelings about, he will be feeling so much more guilty than he already is. I… If he decides to do something needlessly drastic, would you help me talk him down? Please?”

“…I will object to anything irreparable that he might want to do as a result.” – she finally offers, reluctantly – “However, do make sure he knows my forgiveness is going to cost more than a pony this time.”