Jesus Heaven, Unbelief Hell - Chapter 2

When I opened my eyes, my lips felt dry and my throat hoarse.

The room was dark with the lights off and the window blinds down. I fumbled around to find my smartphone and habitually unlocked the screen.

– 329 unread KakaoTalk messages

– 26 unread texts

– 21 missed calls

Come to think of it, when I resigned today, I threw away everything I was in charge of and left.

However, nobody told me to arrange for any work transition, and even if I’d honestly intended to train a replacement before leaving, the company would have rejected it first.

So, even if the customers complain, it’s not my fault.

The high-ranking customers I was working with (for sales) must have been angry because the person in charge changed suddenly and everything had gone wrong.

There was no one who worked overtime as I did, along with handling the hospitality with the clients, so the company would have simply turned upside down in one day.

It’s enough to just enjoy life as an unemployed for a while anticipating the severance pay and final salary that will soon arrive.

Only after lighting up the dark room with a lamp did the scabs on my palm catch my eye. Because I always clenched my fists whenever I was angry, the wounds left by the dug in nails never fully healed.

After washing my hands roughly in the sink, I took out a sterilized bandage from the first aid kit and wrapped it around the cuts. It’s such a familiar routine that even if I might not have ramen at home, I always keep a sterilized bandage ready.

“Oh, there is no ramen…”

I’d been starving for two days, and my belly was screaming for some food, so I thought I should eat first, but when I opened the cupboard, there was nothing useful.

There was some canned tuna and canola oil that the company gave us every holiday, but nothing that could fill my stomach. There wasn’t even any instant rice.

Recently all I did after returning home was wash and sleep, so I hadn’t shopped for some time.

9:09 p.m. on September 9, 2025, when the sweltering heat of August has passed and autumn has begun. Curiously noting the strange date and time, I grabbed my wallet.

For a long time since I was eight, I never had much money, so even when I do have cash on hand, I can’t splurge properly.

When I was in school, I kept what little pocket money I got from my relatives in my personal account, and I also saved the money I earned from working part-time.

The money in my bank account seldom dwindled, except when I was spending the least amount possible on my living expenses.

That strange habit did not change even after becoming a productive member of society, so I’ve saved quite a bit of money for a third-year employee.

Because I live in a youth rental housing provided by the government rather than a private place with expensive monthly rent, there is also the benefit of relatively low fixed expenses.

‘I’m taking a break from work, so should I spend some money?’

The only thing I could call a hobby was playing games on the computer. Even that was a just a way to efficiently kill time on the occasional holiday.

At least fishing and golf, which I learned separately for hospitality as somebody in sales, are perfect for hobbies for an adult male… but there is no one to enjoy them with. Above all, those were hobbies that were difficult to enjoy alone, because I did not have a car.

There’s nothing really happening in my life, and there’s nothing to do.

As I moved my feet, I arrived in front of a small to medium-sized mart near the residential area.

Because it was a little late at night, there were no housewives who came to the street market in the cold. Apparently the competition between the housewives is fierce because fresh vegetables and meat are always sold out during the early hours.

The liquor & snacks corner, located in the back of the mart, was left with only a sense of silence, waiting for a single man like me to visit, lamenting over its feelings.

I couldn’t pass it up, so I chose a bottle of soju to mix with a can of beer, and a spicy and salty jerky that was perfect for a snack. Salty fried peanuts were fine too, but their quantity was so small that my liver wouldn’t even notice it.

Next, I went to the snack corner, which was naturally positioned nearby, tossed some snacks like potato chips into the shopping cart, and walked a little further to sweep up some ramen and instant rice.

This natural course really felt like a red carpet for single men, and it was also a journey where you could see in real time the pitiful sight of a single man who didn’t take care of himself.

If I had been walking around this corner in the early evening, I would have received the pitying gazes of housewives, and if it had been in the morning, I would have received the stares of the staff cleaning up inventory.

Either way, at any time, a single man walking around a corner like this is never a good look.

But who cares?

These small indulgences are the most effective way to relieve the body’s cravings from overwork and stress.

It’s common for people like me to cook ramen late at night, drink alcohol, and laugh at the dark future.

Some say:

How about going to the gym, taking care of your health, and hanging out with other people? Of course, I did do that too.

The fact that my body hasn’t been damaged in the past 3 years of living like this is also because of my discipline. But now it doesn’t really matter.

It’s annoying to work like a machine and then get insulted, and I’m tired of being stressed out by working out like a machine. I quit the gym because I thought one machine-like routine would be enough.

“It’s 36,200 won.”

“By card. I don’t need a receipt.”

The card went through the reader, and the indulgences worth 36,200 won came completely into my hands.

Carrying that rather heavy plastic bag, I walked down the dark night street again.

The moment when I was about to pass by a school where someone’s youth would reside, and a quiet church where someone’s faith would sleep –

… Hahup.

“!”

I stopped at the faint sound of bizarre laughter coming from the street where there was no one but me. That was the moment.

As I turned my head, something heavy fell in front of me.

Kwaaaaang!

“……”

Less than 3 meters away, a large metal column towering over the asphalt road caught my eye.

It was a crucifix that had been atop the church steeple, but now it was pinned to the ground in reverse.

Even when a powerful typhoon in midsummer raged, even when an earthquake enough to shake the building occurred, the crucifix had stood firm, but now it fell in front of me without warning.

I carefully lifted my head and looked over the church steeple. The neon sign connected to the crucifix was broken, so papak! A few bouncing sparks caught my eye.

I caught sight of a little crow, although only for a brief moment, thanks to the sparks.

Eventually, as if the church’s ground-fault circuit interrupter had been activated, the sparks disappeared, and the crow was no longer in sight. As if there were never any black birds in the dark night at all.

“What bad luck…”

Although knowing I shouldn’t, I, as usual with my impulsive anger, kicked the crucifix with my feet.

Now that I’m out of the company, I’m going to live the life of a garbage for a while, so it should be fine to kick the cross that almost destroyed my whole body.

The pastor, who has to pray earlier in the morning than any other churchgoer, will cry when he sees the cross fallen backwards in front of the church. The cost of repairs is going to be high, and the church already doesn’t look very good.

The fact that the unhappiness that should have been entirely mine was transferred to someone else made me a little angry.

Up until now, I was always the only one who had to put up with all kinds of misfortune while simmering in my anger, but the world looks different now that I have escaped from the framework of society.

I don’t feel good.

Returning straight home from that street, I put some water in a pot and brewed soju.

I like to mix cold canned beer and soju in the right proportion in a large glass. Common people buy beer in bulk and drink in large pitchers like crazy, but I’ve always preferred moderation.

As if self-suggesting that there is no drinking habit more suitable for one’s proper life than this.

Boil the ramen in boiling water and place the frozen dumplings in the microwave. Then sit in the living room, set up a late dinner and drink.

Take a large bite of the squishy ramen, inhale it, and munch on the steaming dumplings. There is no better heaven than putting that rolled-up wheat in your mouth.

Yes, no matter how fucking crazy the world is, no matter how similar to hell, right here and now, this place is equivalent to the heaven that any fanatic so longs for.

Even though I was ridiculed that it was my choice to live this kind of life, I could confidently respond –

Don’t act so high-and-mighty if you haven’t given everyone a fair choice.

Losing my parents at the age of eight and moving from one relative’s house to another was not my choice.

It wasn’t my choice that those guys cursed my parents in front of me, so I had no choice but to punch them in return.

I was never in a position to make my own choices, rather I was a victim who was forced to make unreasonable choices every time and could only endure it.

How many hours did I spend enjoying my drink alone?

I hiccuped and returned to my room.

A desolate room with a crucifix hanging on it.

When the window blinds are lowered and the door is closed, it’s like a prison cell.

I stayed awake even after I lay back on the mattress. And as always, the cross hanging on the wall caught my eye.

Come to think of it, even the crucifix that used to stand tall on the church steeple fell, but it was no surprise that this small, clumsy crucifix was still hanging straight up.

So, I tossed my smartphone at the cross, dropping it. Oddly enough, the cross fell to the floor in reverse; but at least it was no longer visible unless I lifted my head very hard.

Then, I was able to get some good sleep.