Jesus Heaven, Unbelief Hell - Chapter 8

“Canada!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Pprickk! Crrrrack! Pssst! Screeeeech!

Dark red blood spurted from my arm that was being twisted and bent into a hideous shape, like a wet rag being squeezed.

“This spell is useless, damn it.”[1]

I’d rather have made my own spell before coming here if I’d known this would happen.

The torn arm was released from the intense pressure and returned under my control, but it didn’t mean much because it had already turned into an arm smaller than a three-year-old child.

But this too shall pass. Jesus was also nailed to the cross, ridiculed, and pierced through the side with a spear, and he too went through torment that seemed unending.

However, in the end, didn’t he manage to HODL[2] and resurrect successfully after three nights and four days? Of course, Thomas, one of the twelve apostles who wasn’t the biggest investor in JesusCoin, asked if he could look at the hole in Jesus’ side, but he too believed and ascended to Heaven in the end.

So what I’m trying to say is that although these situations seem so desperate, they don’t last forever.

Eternity, by itself, represents the final apex of uncertainty. How will it end, how will it change? Since no one knows, ‘eternity’ and ‘end’ are its two final apices.

Unfortunately, only ‘end’ can be found in this material world, so ‘eternity’ must be found in Hell or Heaven over there.

For example, let’s consider the swarm of cockroaches, spiders, centipedes, grasshoppers, and fleas crawling all over the building and surging towards me this very moment.

Because I knew that there was only an end waiting for me, not eternity, I cried out.

“I’ve got peace like a river! Peace like a river! Peace like a riveaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar!”

Schk schk schk schk schk schk schk schk schk schk schk schk schk schk schk schk schk schk schk schk schk schk schk schk schk – Y’know, a square jaw is what happens if you don’t have a proper diet.

According to my metaphysical, incomplete, and unsound illogical assumptions, chewing something with your upper and lower teeth in perfect alignment is very bad. If the teeth and temporomandibular joint structures collide so hard, not only will it have a bad effect on your facial muscles, but there’s also a risk that the teeth may be severely damaged due to the strong mandibular force.

Soldier 76[3], a renowned dentist in the United States, said that taking care of your delicate teeth and temporomandibular joints is the first step towards taking care of your health.

There’s no need to ask what’s the use of clean teeth with no cavities and strong temporomandibular joints, when you’re facing worms that never stop chewing. Because it’s just common sense, a well-known fact.

And this prick, who’s muttering to himself about common sense in such a situation. What a swell guy, eh? I wish he could take a hike right now.

Can I really feel the peace like a river? Strictly speaking, I find no peace in the river because if I go to the river to wash, instead of making me clean, the river water itself becomes filthy. So it’s more of a peace like environmental pollution.

Then, if you enjoy a picnic near the river and let the picturesque scenery heal your soul, is that peace like a river?

Then why is everyone diving into the Han River to commit suicide every time their life gets a little off-track?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jesus told us to enjoy peace like a river, when did he tell us to rest in the river?

It’s ‘river of peace’, not ‘REST IN PEACE’! What’s with that surprised Pikachu face[4]! GG no re[5]!

I am like the firefly that crawls into my mouth. It doesn’t have any friends, an ignorant bastard who just keeps crawling. An ungrateful bastard who’s never been invited to a birthday party and never held any.

March together, everybody! Let the trumpet cry out from the corners of Heaven to the ends of the earth! Ppiiiiii, ppiiiiiiii! Those who retreat will be executed! Listen to this big bro!

Once upon a time, a long time ago, there were some filthy shits living the fun life somewhere. They were so wicked that they didn’t even know or care that their mother was dying, and they took all the delicious food only for themselves. This meat is for me, and this plate of fried worms is for you. Oh my gosh, dear honey who departed first, I miss you so much! Although so many of you have been in my bed over the years, I can’t actually remember you all!

And yet!

A real man like me who once threw away the kid I was holding at the market because it was crying aaaaaah, isn’t this country prospering because of people with just my kind of talent? Hmm? Shouldn’t I get an award or something? My gosh, let’s just have some fun, some fun! Put yo’ handsup handsup! Put your hands up, you bastards!

Rrrrrrumble! Ttttthhhhump! Ratatatatat! Oh, listen to all these people in the neighbourhood! What’re you here to buy? A dick roughly this size, you say? Eh, you little bastard, aren’t you overreacting a bit? I sprint, my body moving with the beat! All together now! Clap clap clap! All together! D’ya know?

You shouldn’t have done what you did back then, or are you trying to talk back in front of the Heavenly Lord? You’re so gross it’s kinda cute, but really, this country’s done for. I don’t even have the words to explain what I feel! Families are crumbling down! Society is crumbling down! My heart is crumbling down too! And so should the skull of that bitch!

Oooooooooooooooh who’d sank into the deep ocean with the concrete.

Let’s play Fishing Cube™![6]

You who didn’t know your place and got caught!

Square fish – get!

Caught by the syndicate and bullied!

Square fish – get!

“Square fish caught!”

Square fish caught~ Square fish caught~ Square fish caught~

Square fish!

Caught!

“Trrririririririllll!”

Oh! I’m ready! Here’s the beat! Go high, go low!

Shhh! Shush! Shush! Shhh! Sheeit! Shhh! Shaa! Shush! Groan! Shush!

The cold metal that runs me through is smoother than a woman’s skin, and it tears me to pieces as painfully as my love leaving me! Ooooooh! We’ll always be friends! Ooooooh! Be happy!

Ooh!

It’s like realizing too late that it’s a crime to mix milk with Oreos. Listen. Listen to the mournful wailings of the former Oreo, where ‘re’ left and only ‘oo’ remained.

They should’ve been together. But since you dipped the Oreo in milk, a terrible fusion event occurred that wiped out all traces of the original. On the other hand, if you put Oreo on your charming tongue and chew it with your cute teeth, you can grow old and enjoy a stable life. If you get French kissed, you’ll taste like Oreos. Win win!

Stand up! Stand up now! (I am a Man BGM plays)[7]

Deputy Han is here. You aren’t alone in your suffering. Try believing in Jesus and you might get shot, but if you don’t then you’re going to be in for it at my hands. Now choose, which side is Heaven and which side is Hell?

Beep! The exit is on the right side, the light is to the right. So you should take the right. (Amiable nod)

The right door is surprisingly wide, by the way. I thought you all probably didn’t know, so I’m just telling you this time in particular. (Squints and walks away)

Twitch! Shudder! Screech! Chica chica boom boooooooooooooom! Yo listen listen I can’t listen~ (52x I want to hear it so I can’t listen~)

You there, creeping in with pride! Leave your wretched fate behind! Don’t even think about dying! Death here won’t even leave ash behind!

I’d only ever wanted to be a dreamy little child! But this world shamelessly perpetuates child abuse! I suffered such wanton violence! In the end, I couldn’t achieve my dreams and could only die like an adult!

My kid is actually Hyun-suk’s daughter. No, if a wife is lonely, she might indulge in an affair or two, how could you as the husband be so petty about it? It’s true the kid doesn’t look like you, but that just means she’s pretty! What’s there not to like! Don’t you know what they say, if you can’t avoid it, enjoy it?! Ignoramus! One’s called Seo Sung-han! What do those characters stand for? Seogang U, Sungkyunkwan U, Hanyang U! The other’s Seo Yeon-go! Seoul National, Korea and Yonsei Universities! Don’t you understand that even though the surname is the same, they’re from different worlds?! Are you going to honestly admit it or not? Oh, you admit it~ Do you even know how to write traditional characters? Hah! Guess who didn’t study in the Department of Literature!

Fuck.

“Let’s sing together! Hymn 301st! What I’ve been through!”[8]

What I’ve been through is the Lord’s great grace~ (Grace)

How can the Lord’s infinite love be described~ (Described)

Thy hand always watches over me~ (Over me)

O Lord, you make all things prosper~ (Prosper)

My bodyyyyyyyyy and my heaaaaaaart are weeeeeeeaaaaak

But I liiiiiiiiiive with new streeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeength

“The Lord’s grace is enough! Is it enough?!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Enouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh!!!

“Hallelujah! Oh, hallelujah! Hallelujah, YEAH!”

Come before the Lord Jesus! That means you bugs too! You ghosts, too! We even have Representative Han! Let’s all sing the hymn together!

“You! I! We! This means Father! Son! Holy Spirit! Do you believe in Jesus?!”

I belieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeve!!!

“Are you listening properly~!”

Yes, yes, Deputy Han!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Then come forward in turn, comrades, and take out your ticket.”

The first to come out was an old man with a dirty and ugly face, so I stamped ‘Heaven’ on the old man’s passport.

“Pray always for the Lord Jesus’ Father, comrade.”

“Oh, thank you sir!”

“I’ll be watching you, comrade.”

The comrades with the stamp of Heaven on their empty passports were happy and jumped on the plane to Heaven.

“Are you sorry for beating your wife to death?”

“I am reflecting on my actions.”

“Then you too, go up!”

Him too I gave a proud stamp of Heaven.

“Are you reflecting on how you died after ignoring your husband and getting caught in an affair? If so, let’s say sorry to your still living husband.”

“Th, th, th… that crazy bastard did it first!”

“Do you want a stint in a correctional facility, comrade?”

“I’m sorry, honey!”

“Then you too are going to Heaven! Go before the Lord Jesus and swear that you will never commit adultery again! Weep before Him to prove your innocence!”

“Gladly!”

The innocent child who couldn’t make their dream come true and had to die as an adult, came forward.

“How pitifully wretched. But looking at you, achieving your dream probably never was in the cards. Will you repent of your sins of chasing after a vain dream and taking out your anger on others for nothing?”

“Screeech~”

“But Heaven still has its doors open, greenhorn. Look closely.”

I stamped ‘Heaven, oh yeah!’ on his forehead.

“Go directly to Jesus who made you like this and ask for after-sales service. Next!”

Finally, it was the two gangsters in front of me, one who got beaten up and drowned in the sea, and one who’d once ruled the streets.

The meatheads, who looked pretty similar, were arguing over who was stronger. My argument was that they were no match for the Power of Jesus.

“Those of you addicted to the clashing of fists might not know. There is a man named Nazareth J. Christ. He has many nicknames, such as Nazareth Monkeyspanner, the Scourge of Jerusalem, Longinus Spearbearer, etc. There are many famous ones. But the most famous is, of course, Jesus Christ. Can you be like courageous Peter who draws swords in Jesus’ place? Can you be as bold as Judas, who took Jesus’ hand with a sinister heart?”

“Absolutely!”

“There’s nothing I can’t do!”

“Then you too are going to Heaven. Try and aim at being his new chief disciple.”

After I stamped the last one, I woke up in an abandoned building, softly kissed by sunlight.

“Cough!”

Spitting out the worms in my mouth, I finally rose, a smirk upon my lips.

Editor’s Notes:

[1] Far as I can see this is a riff on the Deadpool joke, from the movie scene on the bridge where Deadpool broke his hand punching Cable, and cried ‘Canada! Canada!’ to fix it. (Because how good their healthcare is, I’d assume.) But are you trying that in real life? Deputy Han, please stop being so extra…

[2] 존버 (Johnver) is a mainly gaming slang, meaning do nothing and hold on. It’s also used in crypto and stock trading (and the very next sentence refers to belief in Jesus as a cryptocurrency), so translating to the US trader meme HODL (Investopedia link). Speaking from experience, it’s not a trading strategy to be recommended.

[3] And now we’re playing Overwatch.

[4] 상상도 못한 정체 (lit. unimaginable identity), a Korean meme of being very surprised seeing somebody unexpected. See link.

[5] 섹스섹스보지털 (lit. sex sex vaginal hair), see SSB incident if you’re really interested.

[6] 네모네모 물고기 (lit. square fish) – I assume this is referring to the mobile game Fishing Cube. Having never played it, this is just a guess.

[7] 나 사나이다 (lit. I am a Man) – listen on YouTube.

[8] 지금까지 지내온 것 (what I’ve been through) – listen to the hymn on YouTube.

It took months to translate this. Am I supposed to be happy or sad? Kudos to the three fans in total who guilted me into finally finishing this.