Love Untangled - Chapter 148

Saphira

“But you love me.” I persisted. Benjamin looked pained.

“You know that I do, but all that is irrelevant…” He told me. “I am mean… sweetheart listen… I… ” Benjamin sighed.

“I truly believed that you were with Zach… that you kissed him then… Evangeline, you know that I could not have you, if you belonged to whomever…” He said. I knew he wanted a woman completely to himself.

“But I am yours… I have always been yours… I do not want to be anyone else’s… You do realize that it is inevitable right… That I marry someone else.” I said trying to get through to him.

“I belong to you.” I said as I placed his hand on my lips. His breathing became shallow and he leaned in.

Just before his lips touched mine, he pulled back. “We can not do this Saph.” He almost cried. “I promised her.” He said. His eyes seemed wary. I remembered how he looked when I found him… stinking in bed. He was completely lost.

“I do not think that it is healthy to pretend that we do not love each other, when clearly we do.” I gulped.

Benjamin cocked his face to the left.

“I have promised her that she will be my only wife… I have promised her.” He said. His Adams apple wobbled. “We have just lost our children… I just… Saph.. my emotions are everywhere and I know that it is not an excuse.. but I feel like I can’t think straight.” He said with a thick voice. Both of his hands were almost pulling out his hair.

“And then I can’t seem to stop kissing you, but every time my head clears up, I make myself sick, by remembering that I did that.” He admitted.

“So you feel sick for thinking about our kisses…” I said hurt.

“Yes… nooo Saph… It is not like that.” He sighed. “I never wanted to kiss you like this.” He went on. “I mean… I did want to kiss you… but not unmarried. Now I have taken that from you, and I feel so guilty. Most of all, I feel guilty towards my wife. Saphira listen. Jasmine did not want to be my wife. She did not want to fall for me. I have perused her until the end of the earth to make her fall in love with me.” He said in desperation.

“Don’t you see how wrong that is!” I almost yelled. “I love you as easy as breathing.” I said getting angry. “Love is supposed to be effortless. I know that you always said that it is a choice that you need to stick by, but what you are describing is not love. For whatever reason, you have fallen for her…” I said as I let my hand wander his chest. It felt so firm under my hands. I missed him.

“But look how easy she keeps letting go of you. Do you really think that she has made that choice as well?!” I hissed.

Benjamin’s face fell. When he looked up to me I saw a tear drop from his eyes and he quickly wiped it away. He just held up his shoulder. He knew that I was right.

“The thing is…” I started to say. I carefully picked my words, not wanting to wound him further. “I don’t want anyone else. I can not picture myself with anyone else. And you need to know that I will always be here.” I said as I stroke his face.

“I will be waiting for you, because I belong to you. Only you.” I almost whispered. Benjamin let his face fall against my hand.

“I don’t want to be this guy.” He admitted shamefully. “I don’t want to give Jasmine the feeling that she has someone to compete for my attention and love.” He said and visibly swallowed.

“I can not do that to her. I will not do that to her. It is my fault that we are married. I made her marry me. I could of simply let her… be married to…” He said searching for words. “Well anyone for that matter really…” He owned up.

“Don’t you see Saph… We were together when I made the choice to marry her… even though I did not intend Jazz and I to have a real marriage… I did not want to see her with anyone else.” He confessed.

“I did not know it then… But I am now fully aware that you never completely belonged to me in the first place.” I acknowledged. “I realize that you always had her in the back of your head. I get that now.” I spoke. It was the truth.

“I also get the feeling now. You always thought of her. You always compared everyone to her and no one came close, not even me.” My voice felt raw.

“Saphira that is a bunch of crap, because the two of you are really nothing alike. You can not be compared.” He shrugged.

“I still do think I know what you are feeling… I mean.. you have me.. someone who really wants you, as I have Zachary, who would move the earth to be with me. Still we both want the want the one person we can’t have.” I said. And as my own words sank in, I started to cry.

“Saph please don’t cry.” He pleaded with me. He placed his head against my forehead. “We are both fools.” He said and kissed my cheek. I tried to kiss his lips, but he pull back again.

“We can’t.” He swallowed. Benjamin licked his lips, moisturizing them and I continued to look at him.

“I am going to take Jasmine on the honeymoon, that I have always promised her.” He seemed to think out loud, because I did not know if he was speaking to me.

“I think that putting space between us, it the best option.” He went on.

“Do you remember that day on the beach..” I whispered.

Benjamin slightly smiled at me.