Maybe a Fake Gintama - Chapter 72

Chapter 72 – The Only People Who Are Excited About Dating Are…

“Huh?”

Kawaki glanced at the shy Shinpachi. He didn’t know what to say. However, he thought that he was the most normal adult around Shinpachi. Finally, he sighed and put down the game controller.

“So, you are asking me for advice because you are going on a date?”

Kawaki invited Shinpachi to sit down. He turned around and took out two cans of cola from the refrigerator. He handed one to Shinpachi, opened the other one, took a sip, and asked at the same time.

“Ah… let’s… let’s say it like that…”

Shinpachi’s bashful expression made Kawaki shudder.

“Hey, you’re already sixteen years old. Is it necessary to be so nervous on a first date? Kawaki retorted expressionlessly.

“It’s my first time, so I’m nervous!” Shinpachi retorted loudly with a red face, then added in a low voice, “And I don’t know if this is a date or not…”

“Hai, hai. So, do you want me to help you plan?” Kawaki continued to ask.

“Uh… I’ve always heard Gin-san say that you are popular with girls… so I want to hear your opinion…” Shinpachi mustered up his courage and said.

“Actually, I don’t have much experience in things like dating,” Kawaki pondered for a moment and continued, “After all, we were already on the battlefield at your age. But I have to say, the times are really different~”

“Eh? You went to the battlefield at the age of sixteen?! So early.” Shinpachi was shocked, “So that means that the naturally wavy hair with dead fish eyes also went to the battlefield at the age of sixteen”

“Almost…” Kawaki paused and continued, “Let’s talk about business. Since it is your first date, as your elder, I have the obligation to help you plan well! Tell me the details!”

“In fact, I don’t know if this is a date or not…” As he spoke, Shinpachi took out a crumpled letter and carefully handed it to Kawaki.

Kawaki opened it and took a look, ‘Good guy!’

[As a thank you gift for saving me last time, I picked out what I thought was suitable for Shinpachi-kun and sent it. It’s not a good thing, but I’d be very happy if you could wear it! If possible, I very much hope to see you again and thank you personally. If you don’t dislike it, please contact me~I’ll wait for your call~ Eromesu.]

(TL Note: Eromesu is a pun on Hermes (the female lead in Train Man), only in this case, “ero” for erotic and “mesu” for female cat.)

After seeing the signature, Kawaki directly spat out a mouthful of cola.

“I’m also wondering if this is a date or not. Even if this is a date, can I really go?” Shinpachi lowered his head and chattered, “I am the captain of Terakado Tsuu’s personal guards…”

“Hey, calm down, Shinpachi,” Kawaki shouted. At the same time, he looked at the cat ears that Shinpachi had put on, “Go if you want to.”

“Hey! I… I… I don’t want to… go to that kind of date!” Shinpachi raised his head and quickly denied it.

Looking at Shinpachi’s red face, Kawaki was speechless.

“Hey, if you don’t want to go, what is the one you are wearing on your head?” Kawaki asked expressionlessly.

“This… this…” Before Shinpachi could find a reason, he was interrupted by Kawaki again.

“I don’t know what you’re afraid of, or what’s so scary about this thing. Why don’t you just go boldly?” Kawaki took a sip of Coke and continued, “Afraid of falling out of love? Or are you afraid that the other party just wants to express her gratitude? In fact, it doesn’t matter! The important thing is whether you can [Stand] or not! As long as you can [Stand], then you should be brave…”

Before he finished his last sentence, two Kunai flew from outside the door and hit Kawaki’s head.

“Hey! Why is it that what was said in the front was very good, but it changed later! What does it mean to [Stand]! Do you think I am the same as that gorilla stalker who is in heat every day?!” Shinpachi complained loudly.

“Ignore this idiot,” Tsukuyo’s voice came, “This guy’s brain has never been normal.”

“I just think that Shinpachi-kun has also reached the age when he should [Stand] and wants to pierce into the new world…” Kawaki stood up and pulled out the Kunai on his head as he explained.

“Hey! What kind of metaphor is that? What do you mean by piercing into a new world?” Shinpachi roared.

Huh? Don’t like the adjective pierced? Then it’s better to use [Poke]…”

Before Kawaki could finish, he was kicked away by Tsukuyo again.

“You won’t get any useful suggestions from this idiot,” Tsukuyo said as she took out a bucket of lubricant, “In short, remember to bring this with you.”

“There’s no difference, right?” Shinpachi complained, “It’s just a date! It’s just a date! I don’t need such a thing!”

“What are you talking about, Shinpachi?” Kawaki got up and said again, “Dating is not just two young ones of the opposite sex looking for a dark movie theater to watch a dark movie, and doing something like this and that in a dark environment. That kind of thing, after watching the movie, two people will find a dark hotel…”

“Why is it all dark!” Shinpachi was almost driven crazy, “Dates should be pink! Why is it so dark? And what do you want to do in the dark? It’s too early!”

“I think what this idiot said makes sense.” Tsukuyo interrupted.

“It’s still the truth. Isn’t the purpose of the date to do something like that?” Kawaki asked, “Also, it’s not like there’s no pink. Maybe you can see it when you turn on the light. That pink… oh!”

The angry Shinpachi pressed Kawaki’s head to the floor.

“Do you just want this work to be cut in half? You want to talk about that part! What exactly do you want to talk about!” Shinpachi roared with his eyes wide open and bloodshot eyes.

“I just wanted to say that the teddy bear is pink…” Kawaki answered weakly, “The teddy bear I bought is pink!”

“Only a kid would believe it! You never said there was a teddy bear!”

“Well, calm down,” Kawaki comforted, “Anyway, take these balloons with you, just in case.”

With that, Kawaki stuffed something into Shinpachi’s pocket.

Shinpachi threw the things in his pocket on the ground, “You don’t need this kind of thing anyway! It’s not the kind of date you said!”

But just as he finished speaking, Shinpachi was stunned, because those were really a few balloons…

“I was just thinking of blowing a few balloons, maybe she would like them,” Kawaki asked, “And didn’t you say you wanted pink? Aren’t these pink balloons good?”

“Ah… Sumimasen…”

“Huh? Why are you being modest with me?” Kawaki said, puzzled, “Don’t tell me you came up with some crooked ideas? That won’t do, Shinpachi.”

“No, no, absolutely not!” Shinpachi shook his head like a rattle drum, “I was just afraid that the balloon popping would scare her! That’s it!”

“Forget it, that’s all I have to say,” Kawaki waved his hand and said, “In short, just tidy up your appearance and go directly. A little girl of this age has no resistance to the sweet words of a boy.”

“Take this with you.” Tsukuyo pointed to two buckets of lubricant and said.

“No… Let’s forget about this…” Shinpachi lowered his head and walked out.

…

After coming out of Yoshiwara, Shinpachi walked aimlessly on the street.

“I clearly found the person who is most likely to help me, but in the end, there was no useful advice…” Shinpachi muttered in a low voice.

However, just as he finished muttering, Shinpachi raised his head and realized that he had unknowingly walked into an Internet Teahouse.

“Why don’t I go online and ask for help?” A light flashed in Shinpachi’s mind, and he stepped in at the same time.

…

Shinpachi turned on the computer and gave himself a nickname of [Train Samurai] on the forum. Then, he began to post.

[Train Samurai]: I saved a girl from a drunken molester on the train and I’m meeting her because she says she wants to thank me personally. Is this a date? Also, what exactly is a date? ————xxxx year x month x day x hour x minute

‘Compared to those idiots around me, it’s better to ask for help from people I don’t know. Although I don’t know how to use machines, there’s nothing I can do. This way, I can hear the opinions of all kinds of people!’ Shinpachi couldn’t help but give his little intelligence a thumbs up.

Ding dong.

Just as Shinpachi finished thinking about it, the computer displayed a reply.

[Fruit Punch Samurai]: Train Samurai, this is not a sissy chat room where people discuss love. This is a place where samurai declare their beliefs. you’re on the wrong board. Leave immediately. ————xxxx year x month x day x hour x minute

“Whoa! He’s really angry,” Shinpachi muttered to himself, “It’s obviously called Fruit Punch…”

[Train Samurai]: I’m sorry, Fruit Punch Samurai-san. I’m not really good with this stuff. But I’m really worried about this. Could you please help me, Fruit Punch Samurai-san? ———— xxxx year x month x day x hour x minute

[Fruit Punch Samurai]: Not Fruit Punch Samurai, it’s Katsura!! ———— xxxx year x month x day x hour x minute

“Then why are you still using the internet name!” Shinpachi roared, even scaring the people who were around.

[Fruit Punch Samurai]: Go cut your abdomen… Go cut your abdomen… Go cut your abdomen… Go cut your abdomen… Go cut your abdomen… Go cut your abdomen… Go cut your abdomen… Go cut your abdomen… Go cut your abdomen… Go cut your abdomen…

“Why is this Fruit Punch Samurai-san so hostile? This guy is really annoying. I really want to drag him out from the screen and beat him up!” Shinpachi cursed in his heart.

However, at this moment, Shinpachi received a new message.

[Fallen Angel Samurai]: Hey cut it out. This is a free board where samurai can talk about anything. By the way, I’m a beautiful, slutty, and flirty female swordsman. I’m known as the Fencing Beauty.

‘It’s a girl! This person might be able to listen to me…’ As Shinpachi thought this, he started typing on the keyboard.