My Beloved Oppressor - Chapter 111

“………….ask me if anything is difficult or unclear.” (H)

If Annette had been in the room, she would reprimand him for his blunt tone.

At his words, Joseph pointed to the tenth question. It was the most difficult question of all. Heiner agonized deeply over the contents of the book he had read to Joseph.

William the Rampant finally found the flower of happiness on a snowy mountaintop. However, he could not bear to pick the flower that bloomed so beautifully and returned home again, which was the end of the story.

Heiner imagined William finding the flower at the highest point of the white snowy mountain.

The young man stared at the beautiful flower that he dared not touch, and then finally turned around and came down the mountain empty handed.

“He must have come to love the flower….”

Heiner murmured in a low voice. Joseph tilted his head as if to ask what he was talking about.

“All the time William was looking for the flower, he was already in love with it. He just didn’t know it. And the moment he saw the flower, he realized what love was.”

Usually, love entails lack.

“That’s probably why he couldn’t break it. Maybe…”

William loved the flower to compensate for lack. And paradoxically, he lacked because he loved the flower.

That’s why William realized the moment he saw the flower.

“He didn’t want to hurt the flower he had come to love …….”

He knew that he had actually come to love such a beautiful flower. That even if he broke that flower, he would never be able to fill this lack.

When one tries to fill the solitude and loneliness through other beings, one is inevitably broken. It is a legacy that we must carry until we die.

Joseph still looked uncomprehending. The child wrote something in a notebook and showed it to him.

[If I love it, I would want to be with it.]

Heiner chuckled as he checked the notebook. Joseph’s words were not wrong.

Indeed love is like that. Love makes you aware of your lack, throws your life into emptiness and loneliness, and yet in the end you cannot stop wishing for it.

“….some love hurts the other person.”

Heiner explained to the child in a deep voice.

“There is love that makes you want to be with the other person no matter what, and there is love that makes you want to leave it be. Just as William never picked the flower.”

[So that’s why Annette isn’t with Joseph?]

“That’s right. You are very quick to understand.”

[But I don’t feel hurt when I’m with her.]

He seemed to mean that he wanted Annette to take him with her. Joseph seemed to understand what Heiner meant, but his expression was that he did not know exactly why.

Heiner was not confident that he could explain this to the child accurately. Because it took him a very long time to realize this.

However, Heiner could fully understand Annette’s choice.

No matter how much time had passed and the public perception of her had changed, the past was still in its place.

Annette’s last name was Rosenberg, and if some people were still hostile toward her, Joseph would someday learn of past events.

He did not know how that past would affect the growing child. Even if the children themselves said they were fine, the hurt they would receive from the world was not within their sphere of control.

Annette wanted to prevent such a future from the very beginning.

Just as they were now.

He simply reached out and gently stroked Joseph’s small head. A low but soft voice flowed from him.

“…When you are a little older, one day you will understand.”

Currently, several adoptive homes for the child had been selected. The final decision would be made after Joseph met them in person.

The child enjoyed Heiner’s touch with his eyes closed. Her slightly wiry hair slipped through his fingers.

He felt the warmth of the young child. Heiner couldn’t help but smile thinly. The child would grow up happy and healthy. In a better world.

***

As soon as Heiner returned to his office, he was greeted by the news in the newspaper.

With downcast eyes he read the newspaper that his aide had left behind. It seemed that the reporters had eventually caught on to his comings and goings at the rehabilitation center.

Actually, he knew it could happen at any time. It was just a little earlier than expected.

He didn’t care about the blow this would take or what people would say. The only point that bothered him was still Annette.

As usual.

Heiner looked away from the newspaper and turned his head. His face was reflected in the mirror on the wall. On the outside, he seemed perfectly fine.

On the outside….

With a small sigh, he folded the newspaper and punched it into the left corner of his desk. A dull thud came from his right ear.

Heiner’s face scrunched up somewhat nervously.

His current condition was not a good one to talk about. His left ear had lost most of its hearing, and his right ear was functioning less well than before.

The doctor said it would be difficult for his hearing to return. For now, he said, the only thing he could do was to manage his rehabilitation and have hearing aids made and worn to prevent him from getting any worse.

In other words, his condition was the best it could be today.

That was why he did not tell Annette. She said she would wait for him forever, but Heiner was not sure of his future condition.

So, he couldn’t tell her.

Heiner picked up his pen again and flipped through the papers. But the contents were not connected in his mind, and it was broken in pieces. A sentence in familiar handwriting floated across the printed type.

[Dear Heiner.]

It was a sentence he had seen and seen again countless times and now memorized completely.

[Heiner, after I left you, I really thought a lot. About the past we have walked through and the future we will walk into.]

It brought him from death to life.

[But, Heiner, the conclusion I came to after a long struggle is that we cannot move forward together.]

They would not move on together. This was her decision, but it was also his.

[The fact that we cannot stay together really comes with many reasons. Our past and our future, our political and social problems, and even the essential issues that litter the space between you and me.]

They would no longer be near each other, but would simply live their lives where they were.

[Nonetheless, Heiner. If there is one last greed allowed to me.

I’ll be waiting.

Forever.]

He just wanted to be with her today, tomorrow, and the minimal future they were promised to each other. Even if they were in different places.

Heiner did not know the distant future. Whether his condition would improve, whether her words about waiting would still be valid after a long time, whether they would be able to overcome the past…. nothing was certain.

He just had to live his best present.

Hoping that she would be there for him tomorrow.

His loose fingers tightened. The angle of the pen was reestablished. His eyes were black and dark, as if swept away in time.

Soon, the crisp sound of the pen’s nib filled the quiet room. The sun was slanting down, slowly pushing the shadows out of the room. He thought about how long that light had traveled to reach here.

As the world sank into darkness, a little evening shower fell. A steady drizzle tapped on the window. The rain stopped a short time later.

It was that night that Annette called again.

***

The evening sun had ceased to set and night fell.

Annette sat for a while in front of the phone. She ate dinner, inspected her sheet music, and organized her thoughts as she watched the rain pattering outside the window, and before she knew it, it was already time.

It had been quite a long time since they divorced. But still they didn’t have a perfect ending. Perhaps they still needed more time.

So, what kind of ending should they give?

There was nothing that could be undone. It only makes the way forward. They just had to make way for the future.

Before making a path, they had to decide what path to make. And before deciding, they also had to share their thoughts and minds with each other.

However, there was still much that Heiner had not told her. The past, the present, and the future.

Despite his cold exterior, he was evasive and defensive about building a relationship. Annette finally learned that fact.

She did not want to be angry with him because he had not told her the fact that he had become disabled. This was not a problem that could be solved quickly.

He had been alone in a cold, lonely world for a very long time.

Perhaps they needed at least that much time.

Her mind became a little clearer.

Annette reached out and picked up the receiver. Then, as she was accustomed to doing, she moved her fingers and turned the dial. The line connected and the ringtone followed. Soon a low, deep voice came on the line.

[This is Heiner Valdemar.]

***