My Husband’s Wife - Chapter 5

Xue Yuwen was born a gentleman, he was raised as one and lived as one. Although in rebellion he had abandoned his responsibility to the company, and fidelity to his spouse, at his core he could only be as he was born. He could only be as he was raised, as he had lived. I’m not sure if you can understand but Yuwen was a man of integrity. I admired his integrity and I also very much hated it.

Integrity is always something to be admired but integrity was very likely what had created a twisted cycle of behavior. Yuwen would not easily deviate from his original intentions or the promises he had made. Even when they were personal promises with only he to hold himself accountable. So, I was alienated and punished for becoming his wife, because he promised so.

At the same time, Yuwen could not ignore those in truly desperate states irrespective of gender or affiliation. So as long as he was not the one who had personally pushed me into the fire, he could not help but help me.

I suffered under Yuwen’s signature brand of torture for more than two years of our marriage before I figured this out. It was knowledge obtained from my misery, my pain, my devotion. I was lucky.

Because I was not in love with Yuwen, I could maintain the rationality needed to study, to learn this man whom I loved and hated, to figure him out. Once I did, I stopped hurting, I became impervious to his cruelty. Then I became unlucky.

Because I figured him out, because I understood him, this man who was my family and my enemy, because I, perhaps misguidedly, believed only I had pieced together this small part of the puzzle that was Xue Yuwen, I fell in love. My luck really was the worst.

It was the third year of our marriage when I fell in love with my husband. And then for the first time, Yuwen did not threaten divorce, he asked for one. I did not know whether to be relieved or grieved. This man would only ruin me.

Before I fell for him perhaps I could have survived our marriage without permanent damage but now I was powerless to defend myself. Though his treatment of me had not changed, I had successfully deadened myself to it. His affairs also had now become incisive where once they merely slightly stung but I could deal with that, I was used to it. But now mayhap falsely but also truly, I hurt when he hurt. I hurt when I hurt him. I hurt even more when he hurt himself.

So yes, that day when he wanted to begin divorce proceedings I did not know whether to take this inimical salvation and run or to stay as duty required. Eventually, I decided to escape, I couldn’t help it. For at that time, the third year of our marriage, I still loved myself more than I loved him.

Unfortunately, Mother caught wind of our wilfulness and had to be rushed to the hospital after fainting. Needless to say, this forced our plans to a halt.

Later, Mother took me aside and I learned a little more about reality. Xue had steadfastly refused to actively participate in the company. His stance was that professional management was more efficient and suited him better than a family run enterprise.

Xue was both right and wrong. Professional management was all well and good but to do that in a company founded and built on nepotism does seem a tad ridiculous doesn’t it? Mother and Xue and currently Mother, Xue and I collectively hold a little more than 54% of the shares. The rest of the shares are split into varying amounts among the several members of the Xue clan.

If you lined up our company staff and randomly throw a stone, chances are 1 out of 3, you will hit one who grew up on Xue land. If you threw a dinner party for the upper management, every third I.V. would be addressed to a Xue or a Xue relation. At this point, you can’t even call it nepotism, it was simply the system. Thus, Mother had been forced to create a backup plan- me.

Yuwen did have the right to be offended. As much as I had married him, I had more truly married his company, his inheritance. In fact, the reality was much worse than he believed. Currently, I held as many Xue shares as he did. I fervently hoped that the day he discovered this would be long in coming. But there was worse to come. I could divorce Yuwen but if I wanted to avoid damage to the company and ruining Mother’s plan, it was best if I did so after I had his child.

It seemed the birth control pills would have to stop. While I somewhat hoped that he would not forget to use protection during his sporadic visits to my room, it wouldn’t be a perfect guarantee, though so far, he had never once forgotten after our first night together. I was reluctant to have a child. He was determined not to get me with child. Mother was destined to be disappointed.

I couldn’t say any of this to her, I did not want to hurt her. But I would stop the pills, I didn’t want to risk accidental discovery. It’s not like she could know what went on in my room while we engaged in congress. She could not be hurt by what she did not know.

I had never once thought about having Yuwen’s children. It was a way to protect myself. I had the distinct feeling if I thought about it I would want it. But children really weren’t a viable option for me and Yuwen no matter what Mother hoped or believed. With the current state of things, rather than binding us closer a child could only become collateral damage in our relationship.

Luckily those latent maternal instincts women had were yet to awaken. I thought my friend’s children were cute and beautiful and felt it would be nice to have one of my own in the distant future. I had not yet been seized by the desire to have a child. Very likely, it was because I was too busy; so busy such a wish could not find time to secure purchase. My husband consumed me, his company required me. I had no idle time left in which to want children.

My parents and my mother in law definitely had such idle time though. Mother, though she lived with us never pressured me about a grandchild. Yuwen was not so lucky, his ears were constantly left ringing with her demands for a child. Still, my parents were increasingly desirous of one and they had no compunctions about bothering me. My standard excuse was that I was too busy, which was partially true.