My Husband’s Wife - Chapter 7

“Yue’er, why do you stay married to me?”, Xue Yuwen lazily asks me this one evening. I watch the fluttering of his eyelashes and think to myself this man is indeed sinfully beautiful. Why am I married to you? Finally, after so long you ask this question without providing your own answer. Our young master Yuwen, you truly love to take your time. Even now, you are just making conversation and probably don’t care if I answer. Should I answer? If I answer I know you will definitely remember but will you believe my answer? I don’t think so.

Four years ago, you decided that I was greedy for wealth and status and in agreeing to this marriage, had forced you into a situation you hated and I know even now, you still haven’t changed your mind. You just don’t care as much these days. Should I be glad? Before I was a chain you were always pulling at, determined to rip it off and fling it away. Now I am just an anklet, one that is occasionally an inconvenience and occasionally pretty.

Xue Yuwen I prefer your indifference but sometimes when I feel like I am going mad, I almost miss your hate. When you hated me, I was significant then, thoughts of me filled your mind at every moment although it was about how to make me suffer. Thankfully, no… miraculously, despite this farce of a marriage, I still retain my senses. I still have enough logic to be glad your hate has passed. It seems I am not beyond hope. I am still not so lost in you, I cannot be saved. I am glad this is so.

Yue, why do you stay married to him? This question, I continued to ask myself afterwards that evening. I know why I married you, I was desperate and lost. The me then was willing to jump into the fire to escape the frying pan. So that is what I did. Living in the fire with an adulterous husband is hot and painful yet I could accept it, I could not, however, accept the frying pan, the slur and accusation of adultery.

Xue Yuwen, seducer of women, do you know that I love you? I think I have erased all outward traces of my feelings but you know things like this instinctively, so I can never be sure. Yet though I love you I stay only because I can accept this marriage. You have done so many wrongs but I can ignore it all while retaining logic and clear thinking. I wonder what will force me to the breaking point, what crime will you commit that will be so great I will choose to leave you? Or will you fling me away before then, like you once earnestly desired to?

Why can I accept so much? At first, in my desperation, I was willing to marry sight unseen if that could rescue me from the taint of adultery and betrayal. Later, I was so grateful to your mother for rescuing me and believing in me, that I could forgive you far more easily than anyone including I expected.

Plus, I was trying to love you then. One must admit, our young master Yuwen you naturally are very lovable; it is your charm and your biggest failing as a husband. Though, I did run into some difficulties then as you were putting your very best into being hateful. Now?

Now I am not certain of the reason, the best I can offer is that I am used to it. Used to the pain, used to the waiting, used to the embarrassment, used to the whispers, used to the laughter, I am used to it all. Too used to it, I continue to whisper in my head long afterward.