My Self Insert Stash - Volume 5: The De Confinement Arc Chapter 469 My Si Stash 69 Handsome Jack: The Hero? By Mad King Kevin Borderlands

-Tony Stark Jack is Best Jack, no complaints from me/

Synopsis: Handsome Jack, the biggest villain of the series, having orchestrated everything from the first game, to still causing damage after having been dead for seven years. But right now, I’m him. So there’s gonna need to be a few changes, if I’M gonna be the hero of the story. Handsome Jack, self insert.

Rated: M

Words: 48K

Posted on: m.fanfiction.net/s/13697532/1/Handsome-Jack-The-Hero (Mad King Kevin)

Chapter 1

It was hard to breathe, I couldn’t even open both my eyes. I tried to settle for one and blearily glanced down at myself to see my clothes covered in blood, most of it wasn’t even mine. I felt a weight at my side and saw the body of a beautiful woman. She was caked in blood.

I don’t- I don’t remember what happened.

Did I do this?

Panic starts to set in, and if I wasn’t struggling to breath, I’d probably be hyperventilating. Calm down. Calm down! I just gotta think, what happened?!

I look at my hands, and while they’re bloody, they’re unarmed. I couldn’t have killed her. The thought almost brought me relief. Until it didn’t.

Because if I didn’t do this, who did?

The sobbing answered my question.

I looked up to see a young girl, she didn’t even look ten years old. Angel, her name pops into my mind. How did I know that? How do I know her? I’ve never seen her before in my life. But she seems so familiar.

“Angel.” I coughed out, trying to remember.

Her head shot up, and she gazed at me with frantic eyes. “Daddy?” She whispered. I tried to move, to tell her it was gonna be alright, but my body disagreed. I groaned in pain, and she jumped to her feet.

“Daddy!” She screamed, rushing towards me, and wrapping me tight in her arms, as far as they could reach anyway. “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!”

Daddy?

“It’s okay.” I soothe her, almost by reflex. “It’s not your fault. It’s gonna be okay.”

She keeps apologizing desperately, crying into my blood-soaked shirt. “I was scared. I just wanted to go home!”

“We will.” I told her breathlessly, fighting to remain conscious. “I promise. Everything’s going to be alright.” I smiled at her, trying to lift her spirits.

She still cries, but I think I could hear some choked sobs of relief now. I think. I guess it is kind of hard to tell the difference. Crying pretty much sounds the same however you do it. That and I’m definitely losing consciousness.

“Daddy?” Angel shakes me, looking worried.

I look up at her big, teary eyes, and before I pass out, I say the most important thing that I could have. “You’re gonna have to call the hospital sweetie.”

And then I fainted.

Heroically.

‘I gotta get away from there more often.’ I thought to myself, coming home from another “Day in Paradise” from Hyperion.

I hate that place, but what am I gonna do? Quit? I got a family to look after. Plus, the pay is pretty great. Not that it’s the main reason! Just a nice side benefit.

Besides, at least I get to come home from that Hellhole, to actual paradise.

“Captain Bear, who is a bear, he is a bear, Captain Bear.” I heard Angel singing from behind the front door and smiled softly.

Who’d have thought? Me, of all people, a dad.

Good thing she took after her mother, she wouldn’t be nearly as cute if she took after me.

“Hey Angel.” I greeted her warmly, grinning down at her, and her toy bear. That’s new. “And who is this guy?”

“Captain Bear!” She cheered, holding it tightly. “He eats crime.” She added, like it was obvious.

I, of course, played along. “Well, he must eat a lot with that big belly, huh?” I asked her teasingly. A strange blue pattern on her left arm caught my eye, and my concern. “Angel, darling, what’s uh, what’s that on your arm?” I try to ask her nonchalantly. “Did you do that?”

“Blue!” She told me happily, while shrugging. “I don’t know where it came from. Do you think it’s pretty?” She asked me hopefully.

Oh no “Yeah, sweetheart. It’s it’s real pretty.” I answer her cautiously. “Hey, uh honey?!” I call for my wife, as calmly but as urgently as I can. “Can you get in here for a minute?

The memory’s fading, but I can still feel the anxiety.

“Stupid goddamn piece of crap asshole!” I screamed under my breath. Venting all of my frustration on the poor, broken, vending machine.

This wasn’t good. Angel wasn’t good!

Where did I go wrong?! How could this have happened? There are only six sirens alive at any moment in time. Why did one of them have to be my little girl? I fought back tears as the reality of the situation started to sink in.

“What’s a “asshole”?”

Crap! I turned around abruptly, to see Angel waiting behind me. “Oh, Angel! Sweetheart, I’m sorry. I didn’t see you standing there.” I could see her face scrunch up in confusion, and I realized what she just asked. “Uh- don’t say any of those words that daddy said, okay?”

“Okay.” She answered unphased. “Is the machine broken?” She asked, turning her gaze to the current source of my ire.

“Yeah. Looks like no candy for us.” I muttered angrily. “Hey- why don’t you go back to the waiting room with mommy, darling? The doctor’s gonna be here any minute, okay?” Not sure how much help he can actually be. But at this point, I’d try voodoo.

“I think I can fix it.” She told me uncertainly, but happy to try.

Angel waved her left arm, and her tattoos glowed. Then everything in the vending machine dropped out. No. No! “What!” I choked, overwhelmed by shock. “… the hell did you just do?” I finished in panic.

“What’s wrong, daddy?” She asked me, in worry and fear, and just a hint of sadness.

It’s hard to remember what I said, what I did, but I remember the look on her face. I remember the terror I felt at that moment. But I wasn’t afraid of her. I was afraid for her.

I knew what was coming.

“Mommy! Daddy! Help!” Angel screamed in terror, tears running down her face. Fighting desperately against the bandit who held her.

“Look, you filthy bandit!” I shouted in anger. Calm down Jack, you need to be calm, you need to be strong for them. “Just- give us back our daughter, okay?” I asked in barely concealed rage.

“Are you kidding?” The large, disgusting bandit scoffed obnoxiously. “She’s a freaking Siren. I’m gonna be a trillionaire! You and your wife get out of here before I sick my turret on you. Forget the kid, go make another one!”

Forget Tassiter, forget Grandma, I have never wanted to kill someone before so much as I did right now.

“No!” Angel cried. “I wanna go home!”

The bandit didn’t like that. “Shut up, kid or I’ll…!” He paused as Angel began to subconsciously use her powers on his turret. “Hey, what the?” He backed up in fear as Angel lost control.

“I! WANNA! GO! HOME!” She screamed in anger, fear, and desperation. The turret obliged her. The bandit was ripped apart by his own turret. But it didn’t stop there.

“Honey! Get down!” I yelled in worry, trying to pull my wife out of the line of fire.

But

It was too late.

I did everything I could to save her, I tried to shield her with my own body, but she was just… gone Angel killed them.

And as I looked down at my battered body, I realized she might have killed me too. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move, I couldn’t even open both of my eyes.

All I remember was hearing Angel painted breath, as she looked at what she had done. “…Mommy? Daddy?”

And then Well. I remember what happened after that.

But that name Why did I call myself “Jack”?

Breath, just breath. I opened my eyes, thank God I can see out of both of them now. And then I look around.

I’m in a hospital room, laying down in a bed I’m sure they designed to be uncomfortable. I can see Angel sleeping in a chair, all curled up. She’s my daughter.

I’m her father, Jack.

I’m Jack.

I know where I’ve seen this before! This is Borderlands! I’m in Borderlands! And I’m Handsome Jack the bad guy.

Well that killed my good mood.

Too bad, I needed that, what with being in the hospital and all. Actually, speaking of, how bad was I hurt? My arms and legs feel fine, so I’m not crippled. Cool. My chest is still a bit sore, but I’m not bleeding out. That’s a plus.

And my face I hesitantly reach a hand to touch it, and yep sure enough, that’s not skin. I’m wearing the friggin mask, aren’t I?

Honestly, that doesn’t make any sense at all, Handsome Jack didn’t wear the mask until Lilith “jacked” up his face. My face. Yup, that’s uh- that’s gonna take some getting used to. This has not been a good day.

I guess Angel probably heard me groaning because she’s stirring awake. I see her eyes flutter open, before hazily looking at me. She saw me looking back, and instantly woke up. “Daddy?” She asked hopefully.

I smiled at her. “Hey kiddo.” I said a bit raspy, guess my throat’s a little dry.

Angel got teary eyes, full of joy, and rushed over to me. “You’re okay!” She sounded so happy if she knew who I really was no. It doesn’t matter, I’m Jack now.

“Yup, I’m just peachy.” I tell her, trying to hide my sarcasm. I grabbed her shoulders and looked her over. “How about you, darling? Are you okay?”

She sniffed. “No.” She rubbed her eyes and looked into mine. “Daddy, I’m so so-”

“Don’t be.” I told her, pulling her in for a hug. “It wasn’t your fault, I know you’d never hurt us like that.”

“But Mommy’s-”

“Mommy’s gone.” I cut her off. “But she’s in a better place, and I promise you, she doesn’t blame you either.”

Angel continued to cry into my arms a bit longer, before pulling back. She raised her hand and touched my mask. “I did this.” She said, heartbroken.

“You couldn’t control your powers.” I consoled her. “You were afraid, and they acted out.”

“But what if I-” She started meekly. “What if I lose control again?”

“You won’t.” I answer her gently. “We’re gonna figure out how to use your powers, okay? Together.”

“Okay.” She lowers her hand.

I grab it firmly and give her the best smile I can. “Now give it to me straight Doc.” I told her jokingly. “Am I still handsome?”

She giggled. “You never were.”

“Oh, no!” I gasped in mock horror. “Can this day get any worse?!”

“Yes, sir.” Angel answered solemnly, betrayed by her smile.

“What’s that Doctor?”

“Well Mr. Dad.” Angel replied in her best “Doctor” voice. Ha, she thinks my name is dad. “I’m afraid you’re dying, and you don’t have much time.”

“How awful! How long do I have?”

“Ten.” She answered, trying to hide her smile.

“Ten what? Months, weeks, days?” I asked her playfully.

“Ten… nine eight… seven-” Angel counted down, only to be interrupted by me tickling her. “Daddy!” She exclaimed joyfully. “Stop!”

“If I’m going down, I’m taking you with me!” I announced while laughing, as she tried to tickle me back. “Easy, kiddo, I’m the one in the hospital.”

She didn’t seem to mind, she was pretty relentless. “It stops when you give up!” She jokingly threatened.

I just chuckled and raised my hands. “Okay, okay. I surrender, sweetie.” I smile down at her for a moment. “Hey, why don’t you get the nurse so I can pay the bill and we can leave this joint.”

“Okay, daddy.” She was about to leave, but she stopped to give me a tight hug. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Angel.” I told her sincerely. “Don’t worry, alright? Everything is gonna be fine.”

Everything is gonna be fine.

Her dad said so, so it’s gotta be true. He wouldn’t lie to her. Angel didn’t have any doubts about that. But she was still pretty worried.

She was scared.

But not as much as she was when- when her mom died. She couldn’t control her powers, she couldn’t herself. And her mom died because of it, and her dad

Angel loved him, and she was so glad he was still alive. But he seemed different. A good difference. Not counting the mask at least he didn’t seem too worried about it.

Maybe she’s overthinking it.

Her dad was okay, at least he was okay as he could be. And he didn’t blame her for what happened. Not that it stopped her from blaming herself. Every time she looks at him from now on, at his face at the mask of his face, she’s going to remember what she’d done.

It was still so much better than it could have been. For a moment there, a very scary moment, she was worried that she killed them both. That the two people she loved most in the world were gone because of her.

Angel really missed her mom.

She couldn’t believe that she was really gone. It all happened so fast.

At least she still had her dad. And he was right, they’re going to figure out how to control her powers. They had too.