My Vampire Assistant - Chapter 50

A small, shadowed stage. Jean-Jacques is sprawled on a sofa in the middle of it. Diana sits on the other end of the sofa. Opposite of them, Garessta is perched on a barstool. She has a microphone in her hand.

Garessta (to the audience): “Welcome to the characters theatre! Only now and only here, the fourth wall is taken down, so everyone’s favourite main couple could answer questions asked by my fellow readers, as well the ones I came up with myself. Well, really, it’s only my questions. Sorry, fellow readers. Mine are better, anyway.”

Diana: “Why do you talk like it’s already decided that I and JJ will end up together?”

Jean-Jacques (smirking): “You are the only one who keeps denying the truth, ma chèrie.”

Diana huffs and rolls her eyes.

Garessta: “They say that they carry water on those who are offended, so the first question will be for Diana. What’s your favourite colour?”

Diana: “Black.”

Garessta (looking at Diana’s black clothes): “How surprising. Alright, now you, Jean-Jacques. Cats or dogs?”

Jean-Jacques: “Cats. While dogs’ loyalty is admirable, I prefer cats’ independence.”

Diana: “Cats are such bastards… such cute, cute bastards. I prefer them too. Too bad Dad was allergic to fur.”

Garessta: “Well, nothing stops you from getting one now, Diana!”

Diana: “I think I have my hands full by now.”

Garessta: “And speaking of cute bastards, how many boyfriends you had in your life?”

Diana (blushing): “Gah! How did your questions dropped from pets to boyfriends?”

Garessta (blinking innocently): “Come on, give our readers some spicy drama. We all already know Andrey. Was there ever anyone else?”

Diana: “…No. I was a busy girl, alright?”

Garessta: “Sure, sure. Whatever you say.”

Garessta (to Jean-Jacques): “Now it’s your turn to get all flustered. Hmm…”

Jean-Jacques (smirking): “Bring your worst, Your Majesty.”

Garessta: “Oh, you sure know how to treat a girl, Jean-Jacques. But do you know any shame?..”

Diana (under her breath): “I doubt it.”

Garessta: “That was a rhetorical question, by the way. I know without asking that the answer is ‘no’. The real question: what is the thing you like the least about Diana?”

Jean-Jacques: “Oh, this is a hard one! None of the faults I can think of are truly irksome to me. If anything, they are a source of endless amusement.”

Diana (suspiciously): “Are you laughing at me? All the time? Are you?”

Jean-Jacques: “Oh, no, no. You misunderstood. Let me rephrase, please…”

Diana silently raises an eyebrow and crosses her arms over her chest.

Jean-Jacques: “You, ma chèrie, with all your graces and flaws, breathe life into my dull existence.”

Diana (blushing): “You and your damn smoothness…”

Garessta: “Well, well, well! Was that a love proclamation from you, Jean-Jacques?”

Jean-Jacques: “No, it wasn’t. It was all true, though.”

Diana sags in her seat and glowers at him.

Garessta (grinning): “Well, that’d be too easy, wouldn’t it? I put ‘slow burn’ into this novel’s description for a reason. Let me tell you, I just can’t stand that ‘love from the first sight’ trope.”

Diana (under her breath): “Yeah, it tends to end up badly. Like with Andrey.”

Garessta: “Though I feel if I don’t put any action in there soon, my readers will start throwing rotten tomatoes at me. Aaand you still didn’t answer my last question, Jean-Jacques! What is the thing you like the least about Diana?”

Jean-Jacques (with amusement): “Hmm… You ask dangerous questions, Your Majesty. I feel like no matter what I answer I will end up staked in my sleep.”

Diana snorts.

Diana: “Don’t worry, I will put all blame on the author who put us into this stupid interview thing.”

Garessta: “Come on, Diana! You can’t do this to me! Hey, I gave you witchy powers, and this is how you repay me?”

Garessta grumbles something indecipherable under her breath.

Jean-Jacques: “Well if you are sure, ma chèrie, then my answer would be… your singing.”

Diana (hiding her face in her palms): “When did you even hear it? No, wait, don’t answer. Damn it, I didn’t think you’d hear me singing in my room from the office! I didn’t realise then that vampire hearing was that good then… Yeah, a bear stepped on my ear. You should’ve said something if it bothered you, JJ.”

Garessta: “For our audience, this saying means she has no ear for music. Because a bear stepped on it.”

Jean-Jacques (smirking): “You were having fun, ma chèrie. It’d be cruel of me to interrupt you.”

Garessta checks the time.

Garessta: “And I think the next question is going to be our last. That means, of course, that it must be the most mortifying one possible.”

Diana: “I wish I had a rotten tomato for you, Garessta.”

Garessta: “Ha-ha-ha! Better save it for later, when you will really need it!”

Garessta winks at Diana.

Garessta: “Now, Diana what is the most embarrassing thing in your browser search history?”

Diana (blushes): “I refuse to answer that. You can be my author, but you aren’t my queen!”

Garessta huffs.

Garessta: “Ah, why can’t everyone be as polite as Jean-Jacques here?”

Jean-Jacques: “Why, thank you, Your Majesty.”

Garessta: “He-he. Fine, let’s skip you, Diana. I mean, I know, anyway, that it’s just some hentai manga.”

Diana (tomato red): “You! You! Damn you, Garessta!”

Diana jumps off her seat, shakes her fists in the air and storms off the scene.

Garessta (to the audience): “And if she stayed in here for another minute, she’d realise that Jean-Jacques has no idea what does that mean, in any case. Yet. He-he-he-he.”

Jean-Jacques: “You look positively evil when you giggle like that, Your Majesty.”

Garessta: “Because this is an evil laugh, Jean-Jacques. But look, now we are alone here, and since Diana didn’t answer her question, we still have some time left. I think this is the right moment to start giving out hints and spoilers!”

Jean-Jacques: “Spoilers?”

Garessta (smirking): “For them, it’s spoilers. For you, it’s prophecies.”

Jean-Jacques: “Your expression doesn’t bode me well, Your Majesty…”

Garessta: “Oh, relax. Nobody will die. Except for those who will, of course. But that’s not you. You are the male lead, you have plot armour and stuff.”

Jean-Jacques: “May I ask if this anticipatory expression you have is connected to HER?”

Garessta: “Who else?”

Jean-Jacques’s face darkens. He opens his mouth as if to ask something.

Garessta: “Uh-oh, look at the time! It’s high noon, I mean, it’s time for me to go. Byeee, everyone, and thanks for being here today!”

Garessta claps her hands and the heavy curtain falls on the stage. The dim light disappears entirely, leaving only darkness behind.

Jean-Jacques: “Oh well.. It’s more interesting to not know beforehand.”