Negative -Girls: To Live And Die - Chapter 10

The death pills feel significantly lighter to hold–and so is my patience. How much did I die? Three–no, four?

I can’t remember. Maybe that’s because my memory overlaps–I am seeing the same thing on each timeline. Same day, same person, same conversation and same death.

But there is no need to remember if you made a track. Before I go into the reconcile room I spill out the pills on my hand and begin to count. There are only seven of them now. It was twelve–it means I’ve been stuck in this loop five times. Gulping down this horrible pill after each failure. Ah, I guess it’s too unfair to call it horrible…if not for it I may have my mind broken now. Thanks, death pill!

It begins again, Carrie puts down the cards. As she places the last I wonder if it’s the joker–or maybe that one–that one? It’s weird, though it looks like everything repeats, but the location of the cards isn’t…

For instance, I was on my third or fourth tries and was sure that the joker was at the bottom in the last timeline but lo and behold, it was just a three of spades. Bummer and confusing. It was supposed to be a loop, I thought, but at the time I realized that maybe it was not a loop. Maybe Life and Death is playing with me.

I bet they’re laughing now, seeing me die, live, die, and live as if they were watching a porn. Finger yourself as much as you can but I will break the loop before it breaks me. If anything I can remember about myself, I’m courageous (and a liar.)

After the girls picked their cards, I lean over the table and flip the card face-up, expecting another death soon.

But what do you know? Maybe Life and Death is tired of fingering and gets bored watching the same scene again and again; watching I die in the same way had exhausted their thrill to the point it only cremated their pussies (if god has one.)

Amidst my thoughts, two jokers.

I won.

I won.

Won what?

But does it matter now? I don’t know, I just had an epiphany I’ve never thought of. So what if I break this loop? Yes, I can see another day, new person, feel a new feeling and maybe can drink coke as a celebration– but it’d be later or sooner She would put me in this situation again, dying constantly again, trying again, LIVE again.

I won but only hopelessness filled me in; mud of dirt and leaves wormed in blocking everything up.

Oh no, does the loop really break me first? Am I still able to feel happiness like a human? Hey, be happy.

Come on, smile, smile goddamit. Think on the bright side yeah? I can see another day! New time! And I know if time always moves then even I eventually die. I’m closing in–

So BE Happy?

I’m hopeless. I couldn’t think of anything that would happen the next second but a rock. A rock, round and lifeless. Round and empty. You can find it anywhere and step on it anytime. What could the rock do? Nothing. Rock.

Blurry.

It’s fading.

With each thought, the world becomes more blurry, taking me away from it; slowly making me.

A. Dead. Man. Walking.

…but no matter how long I wait, I can still feel it. I’m still here. Around the world.

Warm.

A warm and soft feeling. Around my arm, the heat of a person–of affection, of worry. A voice calls, gentle and invitingly pulling me back to the light again; pulling me back to the reconcile room.

I look at my arm, seeing Sohee hugging my arm as if I’m going away. Her voice is clear in my ear, “S–Sunbae, you won, you won…but if you’re tearing up like that can I feel happy?”

Oh…

I put my weak hand on top of her head as smell again reaches me.

Oh.

When she tightens her arm around I can feel her heartbeat. A feeling I’ve thought I lost crept from my arm and slip in my jaw. Then the world is back.

My lips stretched up.

Right, like a heated dough; getting into a hot bath after a rain shower; and like pulling up a blanket. Yeah, this is happiness. And never forget it again goddamit.

Remember to be human.

I laugh, and laugh goes: “ahahaha…” Not even in my past life did I remember laughing this heartily. I can feel tears jumping out and replace them with my burning eyes.

Sohee left my arm and wiped her little tear with her finger, “S–Sunbae?”

“Sorry to worry you, I just thought of my grandma.” I lie to assure her, “we would play this game to decide who cleans up the dishes after dinner.” A great excuse I’ve seen a boy back in high school use when he lost and tearing up playing poker with me; the grandma summer memories can conceal any embarrassing reason that makes men cry.

No, I’m not crying out of emotion. Tears just came out. Dying people always had tons flooding out.

The girls shift uncomfortably, scratching cheek (Carrie), pinching nails (Mei) and rubbing touchpad (Shizuka.)

“Is–Is that so?” Sohee giggles as she adjusts her frame, taking the chance to flick her tears away. Whatever the old user did to her, it had maxed out her affection for her being this caring.

I take the joker and smile, “Woah, look, two jokers.”

“Yes, Sunbae,” Sohee nods, ” they are, you did it. With an unlikely chance to hit it.”

Carrie throws her cards on the table. It twirls down the floor, and she doesn’t seem to care to pick it up, “I still can’t believe it.”

Sohee glares at her, “how can’t you? Though little, there’s still an amount of this probability–it can happen.”

“Whatever numbers girl,” Carrie rolls her eyes, “doesn’t change my opinion that this is unfair.”

With a slap onto the table, Sohee protests, “Unfair? I think that should apply to Sunbae. You better keep your words, Carrie Alter. You didn’t pick the joker, what can you say more?”

“STILL!” Carrie used her dragon’s eyes to stare back.

This goes on for a minute until Mei grabs Carrie’s arm.

Carrie breaks the staring contest and turn to Mei, “What?”

“I–it’s okay, Carrie. You’re not alone in this. We, we all did…it’s our decision.”

“Tch,” Carrie tears her glare from Mei and aims it at me, “all right, you won. I agree to be your student. Happy? And also you don’t have to be such a crybaby over ‘I get the job to teach teenager girls’–it pisses me off.”

I cup my chin, “does a man crying creep you out?”

“YES!”

Even Sohee nods, “it surprises us that’s all.”

Carrie chimes, “no shit.”

“Carrie.”

“Urg, whatever.” She slings her console back to her face, “just wait until next month.”

Next month, what did she mean by that?

“So it has been confirmed then…” Sohee smiles at everyone, only I return the same feeling. But I doubt it’s that easy to thing to be ‘confirm.’

Shizuka raises her hand, “I don’t think so. I want to change my vote.”

Sohee gasps, “y–you!”

And with a mischievous smile at me she says, “I’m not bound by the rule, right? Only Carrie is.”

I smile, attacking her confidence. “Don’t worry, I know.”

It seems Shizuka is about to ask more questions but the bell rings and relaxes everyone’s body.

Sohee counts her fingers as if she can’t do it mentally anymore, “I–It’s still two no’s…” her pupils shaking, “how’s this fair?”

Shizuka raises her chin, thinking she has outplayed me. The other seems to be glad.

Carrie chuckles, “damn never saw that coming.”

“Of course you would never,” Shizuka says as she slides her laptop into her bag. She glimpses at me for the last time and said, “See you never.”

Then she walked out of the room. Carrie grabbed her earphones and left. Mei bows at me and gives Sohee a few seconds look and shuts the door lightly.

They walked out as if they’d never see my face again the next day–well I have to say sorry to that.

Sohee goes limp and leans on the sofa tiredly, “It looks like we still lost.”

“Hm, I don’t think so.”

She stiffened up as her purple eyes turn to me in disbelief, “Su–Sunbae have a plan? Of course, Sunbae has, right?”

I smile, “did you record the whole conversation?”

“I did.” She nods and pulls out her phone for me. The screen shows a red button and microphone and an hour of recording.

“That’s great, we give that to the school. Only after we cut a little part of it. Right here…”

It’s where Shizuka changed her vote.

Sohee being smart as she looks, frowns. “S–Sunbae… but this is…”

“Playing dirty, I know. But it’s the only way. I’d never win if I didn’t do this…” I look at Sohee still uncertain and grab her hand. She looks at me confused as I say, “look, Sohee, I beg you. Go along with me. It’s for their good anyway, right?”

“But what if the girls find out?”

I put the phone down. Her eyes glance on it. She soon will decide, to help me or help herself.

“They will, I know but that’d be a long time if we don’t say anything. And at that moment, maybe they’d start to change and accept me–well, if they’d decide to kick me out, I’m certain they’ll be not what they’re now.

I rub her hand, “who are you and why are you on my side now, Sohee?”

“I…I’m just a volunteer from the student’s council to assist the tutor assigned…”

“Wouldn’t it be nice if it’s me?” Wouldn’t it be nice if you just pointed out how weird am I to stroke your hand like this instead of enjoying it?

Sohee nods and with that, the deal binds us.

“Thank you,” for letting me use you for a while. I swear by god’s I make it great.

Sohee wiggles her head, “I–it’s okay, Sunbae. You did more for me.”

Her eyes glance up at me, probably saying ‘do you still remember that’ and I gave her a smile, ‘nope.’

But she takes it as yes, “it’s the least I can do…”

We take our moment to gulp down everything that has happened.

“Sohee, I’m afraid I have to ask you.”

She tenses up as her throat pushes down, “yes, sunbae?”

“Er,” I think this is going to kick her high hopes for something but I only want to ask, “what does Carrie meant by something in next month?”

“Haa…that girl, she meant the next election.”

I wait and an answer comes as she continues, “We’ll hold a vote again to either keep you as the tutor or kick you out and choose another a month later.”

“Am I a president something?”

Sohee chuckles, “well that’s the thing in this school–the negative girls are important anyway, so democracy is the only way to improve everyone’s situation.”

“Did they pay a lot of money to make this…reconcile room’s lesson a thing?”

Sohee raises her thin eyebrow, “well, yeah. Just look at your salary.”

I don’t remember or know about any incoming money but when even Sohee didn’t put it in numbers, then it should be a lot, eh?

Sohee stands and bows at me slightly, “you did amazing, Sunbae. I have to report the votes to the student council now before they close the door, I…I will make sure to use the recording.”

I said my farewell and Sohee left the room.

It has been ten minutes after the bell rung; a new ten minutes I’m feeling in this life; a new air; and finally I can lean on the sofa and breathe out heaviness. The calm silence makes me having an erection.

I should go–

Fling.

Before I could even touch a thing, knife.

I hold up my head as the cold steel caresses my throat.

Oh goddammit, did I go wrong somewhere? Does the school didn’t accept the voice recording message? Did Sohee’s phone drop and break somewhere?

“Nope. You passed well.”

The knife is pulled back and a white-haired girl with no pupils appears from behind. “You made it; you made the first step.”

“That’s one long step,” I say with a sigh of relief, “I died more than I could ejaculate a day.”

“Weird joke,” says the girl–er that comes wrong; as if I’m making a sexual joke with a minor so scratch that. Weird joke, says Life. Better.

She continues, “how much did you think you died?”

I know the answer, “Five.”

Giggle, “are you sure about that?”

What does she mean by that? Have I died more than the five missing pills?

Before I can ask, she slaps her finger on my lips. “Stop looking for answers from me when it’s your fault you can’t remember, Sunbae.”

“Oh come on…Sunbae again? Have some mercy and tell me who am I?” I can’t remember anything about who am I both in my last life and current life. Just the who.

As if I only have part of memories that someone wants me to remember; both myself and the old user’s.

Yes, I remember the building I jump off; the glaring eyes of Lilly the old user’s little sister. I remember how I live in debt and lust, how he lives to study all night and help people; where my old high school is located, and the apartment room where he lives with his sister.

I doubt my request would be accepted by Her.

Life hmmed as if considiring and then says, “Okay.”

Well, what about that. “Seriously? I thought that’s what You were trying to keep away from me.”

“You got that right.”

I’m so confused.

“Don’t worry, I’ll tell you your name…now listened here, very attentively, very slowly, and very careful…”

I stare at her ready to hear and read her lips.

Soon, I can know who I am, though I don’t know why but it’s just a need.

To be human is to have a name.

After what it seems to be an hour in a second, Life moves her lips.

“Your name is————— timeisgod

Time moves forward and time moves forward and time moves forward and time moves forward.

Perfection.

Not Us even time kills god when time is.

Time moves forward forward. Time moves forward. To be human is to walk beside it and stop.

“To be you is to walk, walk, walk, walk, walk beside it and stop.”

Why? +1

-1 happens when I am unsatisfied with how they live and die.

And you’re perfect for the imperfect. What a world. Inside their.

Make them right, All four of them–

The Negative -Girls.