Negative -Girls: To Live And Die - Chapter 26

Find a place we barely do. Well, if not for our consciousness flickering from time to time. Sohee has been wandering around outside the building with her legs keep shuffling but never fail to hold her up. And she doesn’t answer my call (I don’t mind.) And she’s not the only one who feels out of reality.

Anywhere she goes I follow. She leads blindly, I follow blankly.

Our legs meet with a wooden bench. It is here that we can call ‘the place that helps.’

Sohee sits.

I wait for a minute, staring at the cloudy sky and thinking of my sneakers getting wet if it’s going to rain.

But then my legs feel tired as if my muscle cries to end it all so I sit beside the pinkish girl staring at her feet.

The breeze tells me the story of Moby Dick and I don’t like it. I feel insecure. So I have to start a conversation with Sohee even if I don’t, “care. Are you okay, Sohee?”

Oops, slip of tongue there. Thankfully, Sohee doesn’t quite catch anything wrong there. But still, my tongue tastes something bitter. From my word. I can even feel the sting of using that sentence again. I had used it a lot. ‘Are you okay,” meaningless, and I don’t even care about her health for real. She’s alive, that’s enough good for this world. At this point ‘are you okay’ is just ‘I don’t know what to say.’

As if snapping out of her thought, she uses her uniform sleeve to wipe her little tears. Then she frowns looking at the wet sleeve, probably regretting because if I have to guess, she likes her uniform and is afraid her burning tear would ruin it. Her head turns around, searching. But her bag is not here. Her bag should have a handkerchief she can use for her lear liquid (secreted by the lacrimal glands) and she forgot to take it in front of Mei’s door.

Oh don’t feel bad about it, you’re not the only one who forgot about the bag. If I was not too distracted, I would have helped you with the bag. But unfortunately, I wouldn’t put a bag first but a girl tearing.

“My, my arm is just fine. Don’t worry, Sunbae.” She replies after a while.

Well, that’s one but, “I’m asking about you.”

Sohee gulps evidently, “me?” Sohee utters and then inclines her head, avoiding eye contact and rather staring down the neat grass and dirt. I follow. Not bad, this dirt looks kinda fun to be underneath in. The grass would make a healthy family when they can drain nutrition from our body. Not bad, not bad.

Sohee says, “I–I’m fine. I think I can handle this rationally. Mei is just–” she scratches her nail with a smile to assure herself, “Mei is just different and I know that. So that’s why, why I’m more worried about Mei.”Mei is just different.

“We did catch her in a bad mood,” I shrug.

Sohee doesn’t blink for a while as if her filled brain turns blinking into volunteer action. Her soft chest caves in, “I don’t think,” she starts and bites her tongue. It’s all right, we still have time. long and endless time. She stumbles to say, “it’s my fault.”Sohee and Mei have been good friend–strong bond, and then I come in and their conflict started. Someone who likes me too much, and someone who just can’t stand to be in the same room as me. If it’s anyone’s fault then it shouldn’t be any of them.

“If you’re saying it’s your fault bringing me in so suddenly at the front of her door, then that should have been my fault there.” Well, sorry for existing, not that I want to be in here. Blame god.

Her eyes lock on mine, the pinking is rounding my brain. “But Sunbae didn’t do anything.”

Literally, I did nothing. Nothing to help, nothing to worsen. That’s me all right. All I do is just be there. That’s already a fault. Should I be in this world, no. But god put me in (overtime) work here. I’m like The Bible Messiah but ungodlier (of course.) Through His given task, He wouldn’t think about fucking his students anyway. I do, ungodly. Well, maybe they’re all male but that’s not the point. I’m not Jesus anyway. If I want to do evil things, I can.

Being a male. Sohee shakes her head, “that–that’s not really a reason to blame.”

“Oh, but Carrie would beg to differ.” She would.

As if I managed to lighten her mood, Sohee stifles a chuckle, “That girl. Carrie doesn’t know what she’s saying.”

Her voice is warm.

I had pulled her out of her sad thoughts for a while.

“Tell me about it,” I return.

The wind passes and leaves us silent. As if the wind carried words from our mouths together. If there’s anything important Sohee wants to tell me, it wouldn’t come out today. Let’s hope the wind returns it back someday. Ha, hope is a funny word.

Her forehead pulls as her pink eyes dive into me with affection, “thank you, Sunbae. For trying to cheer me up,” she smiles. I don’t think it’s a smile. She realizes it, too. Her mouth let out an exhausted gust, “but it’s not me who Sunbae should worry about now. Like I said I’m fine. But Mei isn’t. Didn’t Sunbae saw her?”

The image of a girl in a blanket hiding behind a door comes. I remember, her red eyes. Her pretty skin consorted with heat, “she’s angry with you,” is my obvious conclusion.

Sohee bits her bottom lip, “I think I hurt her.”

“I thought she was scared.”

“She’s not…scared,” she shakes her head gently, “that’s why it’s my fault. I thought she was okay with it, I thought she was already strong enough.” Her eyes soften.

Her lips weakened.

“Mei has a bad past when it comes to–”

She stops.

Sohee seems to be about to reveal something big and the information was so big it caught in between her throat.

“I’m sorry.” And she is glad that it happened.

I shrug, “It’s all right, I have to find it out myself from Mei. That’s the appropriate way.”

Sohee looks at me sympathetically, Clasping the hands together in the la.

“All I can say for now, Sunbae,” she gulps, burning some words in her chest to let out steam of truth, “Mei…Mei felt betrayed. Perhaps, perhaps.”

Well, I’m not getting my hopes high but if someone says, the woman felt betrayed when she saw her best friend together with the man, kinda feels like a love triangle story. Hm, it couldn’t be a love triangle story in the first place. Mei has an androphobia and she truly can’t be with me.For now.

Does Mei really have an androphobia? She acts like it. But the word pretends in our dictionary and I don’t believe in anything or anyone anyway.

Sohee calls, “Sunbae? You’re thinking in the wrong way again, aren’t you?”

“You don’t have to explain more.”

But Sohee decides to explain more it seems, “It’s, perhaps, Mei thinks I brought you…to cause harm. I did talk to her about Sunbae coming over to have a chat, even yesterday she barely consent…but I never told her when. And it was my mistake, I shouldn’t caught her off guard.” Her hand pulls her skirt in, “and I shouldn’t be getting too excited after finding you live here.”

Excited?

Over her reddened cheek, a glance to see my reaction.

Sohee is adorable as fuck.