Negative -Girls: To Live And Die - Chapter 32

The hallway turns into a disappointing place as Sohee hadn’t answered my request for a minute.

“Look, Mei.”

She–she makes a tired face! Is it because of me? I mess up! I’ve messed up! Sohee will never like me again–she’d leave me. Unfriend me! Oh no, this is bad! If I keep quiet she would hate me. She will leave me for sure. She would leave me alone to rot. Say something, me. Say something!

In the end I can only bow down, “I’m very sorry, Sohee. It’s–it’s very selfish of me please excuse me.” And can only try to avoid this.

When I turn around, opting run which I always prefer to choose–away from problem, from what I fear, Sohee grabs my arm.

Will she punch me? Will she tear off my arm?

It’s all right if it’s Sohee. Hurt me, Sohee. I deserve it, you deserve it.

She tightened her grips on my arm.

Ah–ah, for her to do this to this extent, I’ve messed up real big! It’s me who is to blame! I’m suck, I should die.

Her hand is so soft.

So warmth.

Aaa–a–ah, what am I thinking! She’s my friend, she’s Sohee, I shouldn’t say that even in my mind.

My head begins to burn.

But it’s so soft.

I want her to grab my arm forever.

I want our skin to touch together.

I just want to feel safe.

Sohee makes her pretty concern face, “Mei? Something is going on?”

I make a space between us, pulling away her grip reluctantly, and wave my hand. I make a dry laugh and regret it. A-ah, the ceiling, the window, the wall–which one should be enough to hide me from Sohee’s questioning stare?

I don’t want to answer her even though she’s Sohee. The Sohee. I can’t just tell her I’m going to walk back home alone, or else I’d burden her again. I can’t just tell her sister Tammy has an job interview, can’t just tell her I lied to sister Tammy that I wouldn’t walk back home alone, when it’s now is the case. I can’t just tell her how disappointed am I when she turns down my offer to walk back home together.

“Is this about your request?” Sohee begins.

I shake my head violently to let her know I say no.

But Sohee doubts, “again, I’m sorry, Mei. It’s just I’m also busy with the student union’s work–I have to stay in school a bit longer. To finish reporting about Sunbae–I mean, your new tutor’s sitaution.” She eyes me with emptahy and sighs, “but, if you wouldn’t mind waiting for me I–”

She feels burdened.

Nono, I understand enough. “I–It’s all right, Sohee. Sis–Sister Tammy would be worried if I’m not at the gate by the time she comes.”

Sohee sighs a relieve, her burden lifted. “Thought so. Sister Tammy will pick you back home, right? So it’s better to go home first.”

“It–It’s just…” Hmnnn, my lips are salty and dry again. I hope she doesn’t realize this, “I–I just want to spend a bit more time with you.”

I lied. I want you to help me.

Sohee chuckles, “Oh come on, Mei. It’s not like I’m going anywhere now. If anything, I became Sunbae’s assistance will bring us a lot more opportunities to hang out…just like the few hours ago. Everyone seems to be having fun.”

“But he failed to gain our votes right?”

She laughs wryly, “well, that seems to be the case…”

“Yo–you would try everything to help him right?” Knowing Sohee, she would. And to say, the candidate tutor is close to her. But again, Sohee also cares about us. Does she think the new tutor would change us for the better?

I don’t believe that. Sohee is enough.

And I don’t really like that guy–well, I don’t really like any guy.

“A–are you pouting?”

Yes I am, “the only thing we did in reconcile room was me being scared and awkward and the others complaining about studies and all.”

“I can make it fun next time,” Sohee grins.

I know she enjoys it. She is happy that our new tutor is somehow a close friend of her–I’ve heard a story or two about him.

I just hope she has not fallen for a man.

That’d be sad, right?

“So, Mei,” Sohee starts, “If you can excuse me, I…I have some work to do.”

“O-oh,” I step away from her, “I–I’ll go back home then.”

Sohee smiles, “says my greeting to sister Tammy okay?”

She wouldn’t pick me up today.

“Okay!” I lie loudly so she can’t see I’m nervous at all.

Sohee waves her hand as a sign of farewell and I’m smelling regrets. I should have told them the truth.

But then wouldn’t I appear as weak again?

I don’t want to be seen as useless.

I want to be stronger.

I do anything to be strong.

I heaves out a sigh.

Today couldn’t be worse, one time my heart throbs and about to burst because our new candidate teacher is a male, and returns to fine when he fails (thanks to Shizuka…er tricky move) and then sinks down after my conversation with Sohee.

—

Then speeding up again.

I’m walking back alone.

For the first time. No–it’s not the first but it feels like it.

What could happen? Anything can happen. Anything dangerous can happen to someone unlucky like me. And without anyone to protect me–I don’t think I will live tomorrow.

But I can be strong!

—

I find myself stepping out the gate alone.

Thud thud thud thud, goes my heart.

The evening becomes dizzy.

“Ah, Mei senpai.”

I turn around and see two girls running at me. I’ve seen them, they have told their name but…ah, I can’t remember!

My nails are itching and I slightly bow down to them, “goo–good evening.”

They make a shock face and bow deeper than they should, “good evening to you, too, Mei senpai! It’s so great to talk to you after last time.”

I laugh–I couldn’t remember this last time but I know we have a great time together if she’s being this friendly with me. Probably.

They look around me, “are you alone, Mei senpai.”

“Hmn,” I nod.

“Ah…it’s so rare to see you alone, usually Sohee senpai or the strong-looking woman sees you at the gate.”

Are they stalking me?

The girls shake their heads furiously and bow again, “W–we’re sorry, Mei senpai! It’s just, it’s hard to miss this information when every evening is the same.”

Ah, it’s not like I am keeping it secret.

“It’s okay.”

The girls sigh.

“Anyway, Mei senpai. Do you want to walk back home with us?”

It doesn’t sound like a bad idea. It sounds like a great idea! I don’t have to walk back home alone.

“Is it all right with me?”

Their eyes stretch up, “of–of course, Mei senpai.”

“If that is so, then, I would like to take on teh offer.”

They jump with glee.

But then one whispers to the other.

And both of them nod.

“Oh, Mei senpai. I should tell you, we–”

“Maria!”

A male voice.

Oh no, my hand is beginning to shake. I’m still out in public, anyone that sees me will know, I’m pathetic. Oh no, why is this happening? Sohee, Sohee help me!

I hear a male!

“Mei senpai?” she begins to reach me.

“I–I’m fine.”

“Oh…a, all right. A-anyway that’s my brother. I was about to tell you we would walk back home with him–if that’s okay with you…”

I shake my head.

“Mei senpai?”

I shake my head, looking down the ground. It’s a perfect ground, should I start digging with my nails? Would I then feel safe underneath it?

A rabbit hole, a place to make the bunnies safe from being prey.

I’m just like a rabbit…and I could sense danger.

And it’s a lot.

All males are predators.

And one of them is looking in my direction

Help me.

I don’t want to deal with them again.

That three hours inside the Reconcile Room is enough.

—

—

Did they leave? I can’t hear them anymore.

I look up and see an empty world.

The evening blows a mocking gust at me.

I smile. I am safe now.

I begin to walk as I’m telling myself not to think about anything anymore.

Just walk back home and all of this will ends.

Eyes.

Breathing.

Thud thud thud thud, my face shrinks.

I’m not safe.

I stop.

I look around and see a man. He is without an ear. He is with a black clothes. He is without eyes. He is wearing a shadow ion his face.

He is not idle. He is following.

Me.

—

The man turns around as someone else comes in his direction. They have a friendly talk.

I sigh. It was just my imagination.

I still have to walk back home alone.

I grab my heart and start to move again.

If there’s a god, please don’t kill me today. Not until Sohee and Sister Tammy give up on me. I still have to live to prove them I can be strong.

I will be strong.

Walking back home alone sounds like a courage training to me.

It’s all right, if I sense danger I can run like a rabbit.

My heart will tell me when.