Novelist Running Through Time - Chapter 92

TL: KSD

A Remote Island.

Kim Byul and I were sitting silently on the beach.

It was a place where the waves lapped at our feet.

EP 6-The Show Must Go On

Dawn was neither as quiet nor as dark as I had thought.

The sound of waves scattering on the sandy beach resembled the breath of the sea, and the mountain birds and grass bugs that awoke at night sang endlessly that our night was more beautiful than the day of humans.

The white moonlight settled on the water’s surface, sparkling and dancing every time the waves rippled, and the starlight that had already disappeared descended down to the earth, twinkling on the horizon.

The starlight on the horizon was probably the night view of the land across the sea.

Or maybe a squid fishing boat.

But from afar, all of it looked like twinkling starlight. Whether its reality was the office of workers suffering from not being able to go home, or a squid fishing boat, that didn’t matter.

It all depended on the observer. To the ancients who looked at constellations and told legends, the fact that those were actually balls of fire floating in space probably wasn’t very important either.

It was the same for me.

If I were an overly sensitive novelist, I might have been enchanted by this beautiful dawn and fumbled around for a while before grabbing a pen, but I was not that kind of literary person.

To me, dawn was the time when, if you didn’t want to get scolded by the orphanage teachers, you had to pretend to sleep even if you couldn’t.

To me, dawn was the time to see how far the underdeveloped beasts of the high school dormitory could uglify themselves.

To me, dawn was the time to lie on the cold floor with my back, feeling the harsh reality of being unable to pay for heating.

That was what my literature was about.

One might say I was a bit of a lost cause.

A complete fool, incapable of anything but unraveling the pain and deprivation experienced in the shadows of society.

But even so, I knew how to do just that, which is why I received the love of formidable crazies like Gu Yu-na and Gu Hak-jun.

After all, misfits find each other amusing just by looking at each other’s faces, thinking of Professor Gu Hak-jun and Yu-na made me smile automatically. Of course, I’m talking about them in the past, not now.

Naturally, remembering that I would never see them again made the smile disappear. Going back and forth like this made me feel like I was suffering from bipolar disorder.

Fortunately, there was a presence that saved me from my gloomy thoughts. A small crab had climbed onto the top of my foot.

The crab, smaller than my fingers, fortunately didn’t pinch me with its claws and, after wandering around on the giant’s foot, was swept away by the wave that rushed at my feet back into the sea.

The crab disappeared among the sound of the waves. The mountain birds and and insects that awoke at night were still singing.

The moonlight swept by the waves continued to dance on the surface of the water, and the starlight catching squids beautifully adorned the horizon.

Thus, on the beach of a remote island,

welcoming the rather noisy and sparkling dawn,

Kim Byul, who was crouching next to me, asked me.

“What’s troubling you that made you come out to the beach alone?”

“…….”

“Couldn’t sleep?”

Kim Byul’s question was surely a comfort to me. But it brought more emptiness than that.

The moment I was asked, I realized the irony that I couldn’t possibly share my worries with anyone.

What should I answer?

That I parted with the most important person to me in the most terrible way, that I can never meet that person again, and that it’s all my fault?

That no matter how much money and fame I now gain, the agony of being neglected in the past gnaws at my heart?

That all the most precious things are left behind in the past, and everything I am building now feels so fragile, fearing it might vanish on a whim of of some omnipotent being?

That the literature I loved, all the success I tried to grasp with all my efforts and passion… seems so trivial now?

Probably, if I told such stories, I would only be seen as a madman.

And I was indeed a madman.

There is no evidence in this world that I have traveled back in time.

I could be a child dreaming of the future, or a madman who mistakenly believes he has leapt through time and returned to the past. No one can understand me like that.

Fortunately, my level of self-discipline was not so low that I would express such irritability violently towards Kim Byul.

“It’s okay. It’s nothing.”

But, on the contrary, Kim Byul did something strange.

“Hey, what is it?”

“It’s really nothing.”

“Why? Are you embarrassed to tell me, your noona?”

Kim Byul playfully tapped my foot with her barefoot. It was utterly mischievous. It seemed crazy.

Before I could ask her in surprise if she had been drinking, I glanced at her, and she was blushing, seemingly embarrassed herself.

Interpreting her flustered expression, it seemed like she thought, “Ah, why did I do that?” She seemed confused about why she had done that herself.

But I think I understood.

And so, I felt a bit sorry for her.

In my view, that wasn’t Kim Byul’s original personality.

From the moment we entered this island, Kim Byul had been acting as a lively and mischievous girl. She’s playing the adorable character often called the “nation’s little sister.”

So even her previous action was probably…

An impulsive action resulting from not being able to escape that “role.”

Though it’s not strange or pitiable to adopt a persona in a variety show, the reason I felt sorry for Kim Byul was that this wasn’t the first time something like this had happened.

Quite a bit of time has passed since I became friends with Kim Byul. I know more about her than she thinks.

Kim Byul’s personality changes slightly from time to time.

And that change is influenced by the role she is playing at the moment.

As someone who has a keen eye for observing people, I can say this with certainty.

When Kim Byul played a role of a rude, thoughtless minor character, she was slightly rude. Conversely, when she played a vengeful gunman from Manchuria, she was dignified and masculine.

Kim Byul often argues that method acting isn’t everything in acting, but in reality, she cannot completely detach herself from her roles.

I can only guess that the way Kim Byul behaves at school might be her true self, but now I’m beginning to wonder if she even has an “original personality.”

It’s difficult to consider it a healthy mental state.

This change also manifests in her appearance.

I’ve never seen anyone whose appearance changes as frequently as Kim Byul’s.

This time was no different.

Kim Byul, who had a bob haircut for a commercial, returned with long hair.

“What’s with your hair? Is it a wig?”

“It’s hair extensions?!”

“Wig or hair extensions, why did your hairstyle change again?”

“I don’t know, the company made me do it.”

Perhaps realizing her answer sounded too dismissive, Kim Byul coughed and added belatedly.

“Ahem! At my level, my appearance can be considered a strategically styled artwork.”

“So, your clothes are sponsored as well?”

“Of course!”

“But is it okay to sit on the sandy ground like this?”

“Ah!”

Kim Byul’s frantic attempts to brush the sand off her clothes were amusing but not really funny.

Look.

Her personality changes according to the writer’s intention, and her appearance changes according to someone else’s intention. There is no intention of Kim Byul’s own.

The real Kim Byul is constantly being suppressed. Under the pressure weighing down on Kim Byul, she is slowly being driven out.

What is the cost of all this?

Money? She has earned enough to live in leisure for a lifetime, but she sneaks snacks like a thief in the school cafeteria during lunchtime, avoiding her manager’s watchful eyes.

Popularity? Kim Byul hardly ever looks at her phone, fearing she might see the malicious comments and sexual harassment online.

If she accidentally reads any sharp comments, her mood becomes unstable for an entire week. In the meantime, she cannot proudly visit a psychiatrist and secretly receives treatment in the counseling room within Baekhak Entertainment.

And how sensitive she is to the power struggles on set! She’s overly sensitive to non-verbal cues from others, to a level of paranoia. It’s a defense mechanism to preserve her dignity among those who scorned her as a has-been.

Kim Byul is always seeking someone’s recognition…….

As I was looking at Kim Byul with a sympathetic gaze, she eventually gave up on removing the sand from her sponsored clothes.

“Ah, I don’t know, I’ll just wash them and return them,” she joked, and I, unable to hold back my curiosity, impulsively asked her a question.

Acting is gradually wearing Kim Byul down.

Yet,

“Why do you continue to act, Kim sunbae?”

“What?”

Kim Byul looked at me with a face that said it was such a ridiculous question, and she gave the same answer she always does.

“Because my mom tells me to, what can I do?”

“Um… Really?”

Finally, Kim Byul became a bit more serious.

Kim Byul, temporarily shedding the character she played on this island, stared at me with an expressionless face.

Eventually, her gaze shifted to the sea. Only the sound of the waves fluttered in the silence.

Silently, I looked at Kim Byul, Kim Byul looked at the sea, and the sea just kept rippling, as time passed.

Then, at some point, a feeble voice was heard.

“Exactly…”

The vulnerable and trembling girl I once saw on the emergency stairs of Baekhak Entertainment appeared.

“Why do I continue to act…”

Kim Byul revealed her dark inner thoughts while watching the sea, where the black waves were churning.

“When I was young, I felt like I had the whole world.”

“……”

“But I didn’t. I wasn’t a genius, and people were just fixated on a cute kid. As the trend passed, I became an afterthought, and as I grew a little older, I realized I was nothing compared to the real geniuses. The only reason people liked me was purely because I was young.”

I was taken aback. I didn’t expect Kim Byul to reveal so much of her inner thoughts just because of a question I impulsively asked.

I wanted to hastily retract my question, but part of me hesitated, wanting to hear more of what Kim Byul had to say.

Meanwhile, Kim Byul’s story continued.

“After realizing my place, I frantically learned to act. It wasn’t because I thought I’d become some great actor. My mom pushed me into it, and acting was the only thing I’ve ever accomplished in life. That was the only option I had.”

“……”

“But you know what, In-seop? I still like acting.”

The greatest art reveals humanity as it is, because humans are creatures that wrap themselves in lies. Exposing oneself is not something just anyone can do.

There is power in authenticity.

I was overwhelmed by Kim Byul’s sincere heart. All I could do was listen to her words.

“Of course, I know now. I’m not a child anymore. Acting isn’t that fun. No matter how hard I try, I end up being someone’s puppet, and no matter how much effort I put in, if I lack talent or don’t match people’s tastes, I become garbage. It’s not just about being good at acting, being a celebrity slowly destroys a person…”

“……”

“Even the good old times I felt when I was younger, I realized it was all just a momentary illusion. I was just a kid who got lucky and became a star for being young and cute. In other words, anyone can become a star just by being young and cute. Maybe being a star isn’t really a big deal…”

“……”

“But… I think there are moments when you have to continue, even if what was precious to you has faded.”

The strange time of dawn was slowly coming to an end.

A red light was rising beyond the horizon.

The moment of transition between day and night had arrived.

“In-seop. I know that Author Moon is not a genius.”

“……”

“He’s not the genius boy overwhelmed with inspiration as seen on TV, but a bratty kid who frets every day trying to come up with writing material and gets cranky at his seniors when he can’t write.”

“……”

“But… I don’t know what your worries are, but I want to say just this. This is also something I learned from you.”

Kim Byul poked me in the ribs as she always does.

“Maybe, it’s not about what you achieve, but there is beauty in striving towards your dreams.”

I don’t know what expression she had when she said this to me. I was caught in an indescribable emotion, frozen like a statue, just staring at the rising sun on the horizon.

Meanwhile, Kim Byul’s story continued.

“Even if acting isn’t as fun as I thought, and being a star isn’t as great as I imagined, and even if the brief success I enjoyed was just because I was young…”

The sun rising on the horizon drove away the darkness.

Only then did I look at Kim Byul’s face.

“I’m still dreaming.”

She was smiling brightly.

“Let’s keep going strong.”

“……”

Basking in the sunlight that chased away the dawn,

Looking at Kim Byul’s smile, which was sparkling more than ever,

I inadvertently said,

“That’s really… a beautiful thought.”

Kim Byul’s face turned red.

“What, what are you saying… That’s so cringey. Are you a poet or something?”

She left those words behind and quickly got up and ran away.

With her kicking and running away, I ended up lying on the sand.

I don’t know how long I laughed in that state.

I spent a long time watching the sky gradually brighten.

Perhaps, Kim Byul is much stronger than I thought.

“Ugh.”

After a long contemplation, I got up from my place and dusted off the sand.

Then, I looked up at the sky again with a new mindset.

The lens of a camera installed on a beach tree was sparkling in the sunlight.

*****

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