Office Diaries - Chapter 145

That evening, as we ate at a chic restaurant, I steadily watched JT as he took over the conversation. We talked about everything and nothing at all. He shared his experiences in his travels and food, but I noticed that he never said anything about himself which gave me no idea whatsoever about the enigma which was him. He asked a lot about me, however, but like him, there were some things that I’d rather not talk about. Even so, I couldn’t resist asking him about his unexplained attachment to me.

“Why,” I started speaking, and my throat caught when those almond eyes zeroed on me.

I couldn’t get used to that intense gaze no matter how often I’ve spent time with him. For a moment there, I thought my voice would fail me. If he hadn’t smiled at me encouragingly, urging me to continue speaking I might not be able to speak anymore.

“Why me?” I asked, and I watched as one of his brows arched in question.

Several seconds ŀȧpsed and my inquiry remained unanswered. For a while, I thought he didn’t understand— that I had to repeat myself, but he finally spoke, after sipping from his champagne flute.

“Why not you?” His challenging remarks made my eyes grow wide, and I felt flustered.

“Because you’re a star and I…” I started out, my head’s filled a plethora of reasons why I shouldn’t be involved with him— all of which compared our lifestyles and status in life, and I felt so small. “I’m an ugly nobody…” I whispered sorrowfully, ashamedly and I felt him freeze in front of me.

When I looked at him again, I saw all humor had vanished from his face. His playful demeanor gone, replaced by a certain seriousness which made me regret I ever spoke. I was aware, I knew. I already looked ugly, but someone who had no confidence was totally unpleasant.

“Nixie Choi, of all people, I never expected to hear such a thing from you,” JT told me a matter-of-factly.

He didn’t have to say it, but I knew in my heart that I gravely disappointed him, and my ċhėst tightened with regrets.

We finished our meal in silence, no longer tasting anything. He took me home without saying anything, and I watched his car leave quietly.

As soon as his car was out of sight, I trudged towards my empty apartment directly towards my room, removing my coat and haphazardly letting them fall on the floor. Undoing the buŧŧons on my shirt, I flopped on my bed and sighed. The painful throbbing in my ċhėst hadn’t disappeared. If anything, it only worsened now that I was alone.

“Hmph!” I ġrȯȧnėd in frustration as I turned over, clutching my head as if to clear it.

It was a futile attempt however. The frustrations and regrets gnawed at me, making me itch to scream or strike. I’d never been this depressed before— at least not since then.

I only ever fell in love once, and it was a long time ago. Back then, it was I who was under the spotlight. With my face and outgoing personality, the people around me liked me— at least I thought so, except him.

In our class, there was this gloomy boy who everyone always teased. He was overweight and his face was always hidden by his longish hair he never fixed. The thick bottle bottom glasses he wore only made his appearance worse, and he got bullied a lot because of that.

I never knew how students could be so nasty until that time. They pushed that boy into being the class representative against his will so he could be the class’ gofer. Taking pity on the boy, I did the unexpected and gave him my ȧssistance, and it was the start of my unrequited love.

Every day, my eyes were on no one else but him. Despite the unfair treatment, no matter how difficult it was, that boy earnestly worked hard completing his tasks. No complaints. None. Spending time with him, I asked myself, how could I not fall in love? With confidence and with my heart on my sleeve, I confessed to him. He was shocked. My sudden declaration was unexpected, and so he said.

Unfortunately for us, our nasty classmates found out about it, and made an issue out of it, demeaning him more, hurting him. And I…

I who couldn’t even say a word to defend him in my cowardice stayed quiet, worrying but not doing anything to stop the nastiness. I was a coward. I was an idiot, and I regretted it ever since.

I wanted him, but had no confidence in getting him. In the end, the boy treated my confession as a joke— another nasty prank with me trying to break his heart.

“How could someone like you, love someone like me…”

His words, I could never forget, even now after ten years. I had wanted to apologize. I had wanted to tell him that my feelings at that time were real. But it was already too late. I would forever bear the burden of my cowardice. Because of this, I was afraid. I didn’t have the confidence to love. Since that time, I hid in the shadows, going with the flow, but never let myself be involved.

It was also the reason I chose to erase my face that seemed to bring me more trouble than not— the face that he despised. She had tried her best to forget that and live a different life in the background— far away from prying eyes. She was relatively successful too.

Until JT came…

I didn’t mean to, but I realized too late that he started invading the empty spaces in my heart. The situation’s reversed now, however. It was JT who was under the spotlight— literally, and I, the one who had no courage was trying my best to run away again.

With tears threatening to fall from my eyes, all the emotions I kept inside swirled and swirled, wanting to explode. Until now, JT’s words hit me where it was extremely painful.

Nixie Choi, of all people, I never expected to hear such a thing from you…

That’s right.

“How could I say that?” I asked myself over and over.

It wasn’t like me to notice only the physical part— to care about appearance and material things. They didn’t matter when I fall in love. So why did I say that? Since when did I start being affected by that? Why, I thought as I curled up on the bed, letting my tears out, not caring even when broken sobs escaped my lips.

I cried until I was empty. At this point in time, I didn’t even know what I wanted to do or wanted to have anymore. That’s the only thing I was sure about.

Because of my face, the person I had loved a long time ago didn’t believe my confession. This time around, when I changed the way I looked, I was the one who couldn’t believe that anyone could love me.

A self-derisive laughter escaped my lips as I shifted on the bed and turned to my other side. The pale moon outside was clear and serene— a stark contrast to the tumultuous thoughts I had in my mind.

To say that I was not attracted to JT was a whooping lie, of course. I was. I thought I might have fallen for him when he continued to pursue me in spite of me giving him the cold shoulder. Like I said earlier, who wouldn’t?

But it was hard to trust. No, it’s not because I was still hung up on that puppy love from a long time ago. Although the thing that happened that time played a huge role in whom I had become. It’s because I know a part of me still remembered how my cowardice had let someone down. If I couldn’t trust myself, how could I trust other people so easily?

Besides, I was not entirely jesting when I asked JT that question earlier during the meal.

Why me?

If I were not hiding my real appearance, I might have believed him. I had grown up being called a princess, after all— a delicate beauty. But the way I looked right now, even kids would run away from me.

A suspicious nerdy lady. All I needed was a cat and I’d look like a witch.

I sighed as I felt the beginnings of a headache. I sat up to get the medicine from the bedside table when a white envelope on it caught my eye and I breathed in sharply.

It’s the invitation to a high school reunion.

I almost forgot about it. At first, I didn’t want to go as I didn’t want to see my classmates. However, since meeting JT, I felt that I needed to go. He might show up there and the urge to apologize was stronger than ever in my heart.