Only Villains Do That - 4.37 In Which the Dark Lord Has Issues With the Women in His Life

It was a start.

There were more arrangements to be made, of course, but having gotten the necessary balls rolling, and since I now had the unbelievable luxury of competent subordinates to whom I could delegate details, I indulged in some time to actually recover from my deep forest adventure. A full bath would wait, but I did manage to get thoroughly clean before dinner, which I then spent with the kids, surrounded by the cheerful noise of the mess hall. Junko wasn’t ordinarily encouraged to be present at mealtimes, but she was frantically excited to see me again and content to sit silently on the floor beside me, as she had all through the staff meeting.

Man…I really, really needed all of that. I hadn’t realized how much.

But it wasn’t like I was on vacation, and there were a lot more details to iron out before our unfortunately rough outline of a strategy could be put into action, so after dinner, just late enough that things were beginning to quiet down for the night, I was back in another meeting. This one more discreet and held in a secure room set aside for the purpose down in Kzidnak.

“Thanks for telling me,” Gizmit said, nodding. “Do you have a rough timeline for this?”

“ASAP, but exactly how quick that is will depend on the engineers. I’m meeting Sneppit and the others next to give the official order; just wanted to keep you in the loop because your job requires knowing as much as possible about everything going on. Speaking of which, you requested this private chat so I know it wasn’t for the sake of my news. What’s up, Giz?”

“Not an urgency, but something that I think will be relevant as you implement plans over the coming days,” she said. “I wanted to check in and offer a word of advice. So, I heard about Velaven’s apparently amazing performance after you called her down and then launched her little training program. Based on description alone I am deeply sorry to have missed that.”

I sighed, “Zui, you gossipy bitch.”

“It was Nazralind,” Gizmit corrected with one of those composed little smiles that on her were as much as a belly laugh from anyone else. “Zui’s several annoying personality traits do not include a lack of discretion. But back to the point, it’s what that little episode signifies that I wanted to bring to your attention.”

“I’m all ears, if you have any insight,” I said frankly. “Because I was completely baffled by that.”

“Do you remember your conversation with the Hero party during the uprising, about sarcasm and how inscrutably different it can appear from a different cultural framework?”

“Sure, I—wait a second, you weren’t there for that.”

“But it was revelatory and important, so you’d better believe I learned about it,” Gizmit answered with a particularly bland expression. “You’re paying for the best, Lord Seiji, so that is what you get. I have two potential theories about Velaven’s bizarre display, considering the context. One is that you pissed her off, and so she insulted you right to your face in a way that only a Savin or maybe Shylver would understand.”

“Okay,” I nodded, “I could see that.”

“The other is that it was a legitimate attempt at flirting. And with regard to that, I again have two theories: in the first, that as a clearly trained spy she has observed the…issue you have with open displays of sexuality, and so carefully signaled her interest in as brazen a way as possible without risking a trigger event.”

I clenched my lips, but nodded in silence. Obviously I didn’t love having this be a subject of conversation, but it would’ve been frankly absurd to imagine Gizmit of all people wasn’t fully aware of the issue. It was continuing to get better, anyway.

“Alternatively, she is genuinely interested and is just that bad at expressing it.”

“That…seems like a stretch,” I said skeptically. “We’re talking about someone with a royal upbringing, and training in espionage.”

“Training in some aspects of espionage, specifically field scouting. Her counter-insurrection against Jadrak was promising, but remember the role luck played in it succeeding instead of dooming us all. And the error she made in trying to manipulate the cat tribe amounted to assuming they weren’t clever enough to notice a single, major inconsistency. She has blind spots. More to the point, she was the absolute monarch of a strictly matriarchal culture, and was aloof enough to allow a coup to brew right under her nose. I highly doubt Velaven has ever needed to flirt with a man before. If Shylver culture is anything like the opposite-pole sexism of Fflyr society, well…highborn men generally arrange their marriages using money and influence.”

“Hm. All right, point taken. What is it you’re suggesting, then?”

“Fortunately, in all of the above cases the solution is the same, and even more fortunately you have a golden opportunity immediately upcoming. What I think you should do is take the time to befriend Velaven. And since you’ve decided on including her in the expedition to the zombie village day after tomorrow… There you go. It’ll be a lot faster by tram than hiking overland, but a campaign like that will still offer enough downtime for a few good conversations.”

“Gizmit, that seems…iffy. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but Velaven is not an easy person to like, and that’s with her deliberately being on her best behavior. I’m a lot more inclined to trust mutual professionalism than any kind of hypothetical intimacy.”

“You’re popular in Kzidnak,” she countered, “and sure, some of that is due to your natural personality. But from the moment you set foot down here, you were wise enough to pay close attention to us; you did your best to learn about goblin culture, and you applied what you discovered to your decisions. Adjusted your leadership style to something that would get the best results from us as a people. Well, you’re planning to take over Shylverrael—presumably without massacring and/or oppressing its population, right? Velaven is your only conduit to that culture. And it’s a culture that’s been fiercely isolated for a century and a half, one that’s grown into something peculiar enough that none of us understand half the shit she does. This is important, Lord Seiji. You need to leverage this asset.”

“I see your point,” I agreed slowly, frowning in thought.

“And as for intimacy… I’m not saying go overboard with that, but don’t underestimate it either. You and I aren’t exactly bosom buddies and sure, we could play our parts based on professional standards alone if need be. But you like me and I like you, and it would be absurd to claim that doesn’t make some difference.”

“Maybe…I am being a little unfair toward Velaven,” I admitted. “It’s hard to get past her initial introduction. She tried to manipulate us out of sheer self-interest, and people died for it. Including people who were important to me.”

“I know what she did,” Gizmit said softly. “But I think you have a good handle on when it is and isn’t worthwhile to hold a grudge. Velaven is out of her depth and doing her best in a world she barely understands, after having everything taken from her. Seems you two have some common ground to start from.”

“Huh. I guess…that’s not wrong.”

“Anyway, that’s what I got,” she said more briskly. “You’re the boss; it’s up to you what you do about any of this. But as your head of intel, I can’t claim to be doing my job properly if I don’t offer my input.”

“Thanks, Gizmit. Even if I don’t end up following your suggestions, I always appreciate them. All right, c’mon, Junko, let’s move out.”

My spymaster glanced casually at the dog as she rose to her feet, tail wagging. Gizmit had never shown open fear in front of me and didn’t now, but there was just something about Junko being in the room that made it obvious when she was covering. I’m sure it did not reflect well on me that I found it amusing, but dammit, I’m only human.

Goblins really did not like dogs.

“That’s my good girl,” Zui cooed, aggressively scratching behind Junko’s ears with both hands, which she had to reach up slightly to do. “Who’s a good girl? You have disgusting stinky breath, yes you do.”

“Oooh, look at Zui, she’s not afraid of the dog,” Sneppit sneered from the other side of the room, safely behind a desk. “Quit showing off, you wench.”

“If showing off teaches the gigantic murderbeast who her friends are, then that is what I will be doing,” Zui stated, turning her head aside to avoid Junko’s ecstatic panting. “You never did appreciate the importance of building relationships, Snep. Don’t think I haven’t noticed it takes Minifrit and Ydleth both to keep you out of trouble as well as I did on my own.”

“That’s at least partly because Ydleth causes more problems than she solves,” Kasser remarked. “Anyway, Lord Seiji, I’m pretty sure this wasn’t what you called this meeting for. Do we need privacy?”

“Actually… Well, privacy, yes, but only in terms of random passersby. Zui, I’m not entirely sure why you’re here but I’ve sorta made peace with you inserting yourself into stuff, and in this case I think it’s just as well for you to be in the loop. Shut the door, please. With yourself on whichever side of it you choose.”

“Well, well, he is trainable,” my insubordinate Goblin Queen said, smirking up at me as she sauntered over to push the door closed. With herself still in the room, of course. “For the record, I was willing to leave once you arrived and got started, but until confidential matters are being discussed I’m allowed to talk to people.”

There were now five of us in the room, six counting Junko. Zeckl was cowering behind the desk with Sneppit, slightly more intimidated by the dog than she was by all the high-ranking company. In hindsight, bringing Junko along to a meeting that was planned to include two goblins may not have been the most considerate move, but she’d been clingy with me ever since I got back, and dammit, I had missed her, too.

“Junko, heel. Lie down.”

The three goblins relaxed slightly once the dog was peacefully on the ground at my feet, though all three kept sneaking careful glances at her.

“So, this shouldn’t take long,” I said seriously. “Sneppit, Kasser, Zeckl, I have mentioned this to you all previously, but only in passing as a hypothetical. After recent events, I’ve decided to make this official, and you three need to be the first informed as you’ll have to get the work started. I am formally greenlighting Project Death Star. Item one on the agenda is getting that started. Kasser, you’ll have to decide on the proper locations to build the emplacements and prepare them for installation. Zeckl, obviously, designing and constructing the actual munitions will fall on you and your team. Sneppit, I need you to make sure they have access to whatever they need. Item two is figuring out…let’s call it public messaging. I want this discreet, and above all I do not want to start a panic among the troops. However, this is not something that can be kept secret, or should even if that were possible. People will have to be aware of the damn thing, and know what to do in preparation if we should need to use it. That’s why I didn’t bring it up at the staff meeting, I want to roll this out carefully, and in a manner that doesn’t overly alarm anyone if possible.”

There was silence in the aftermath of my pronouncement, three of my audience looking solemn and unhappy, the fourth confused and unhappy.

“Uh, scuze me.” Zui raised a hand. “What the hell is ‘Project Death Star,’ and why’s it got the most pompously edgy name anything has ever had?”

“A weapon of last resort,” I explained. “Something made possible only by goblin expertise, and the full resources of Kzidnak.”

“You’d better not be cooking up another Inferno,” she warned.

“Nothing remotely on that scale, Zui. If I wanted another Inferno, I could do that without anyone’s help, just like the last one. More importantly, I do not want the kind of attention that would draw. On the contrary, the Death Star is a trump card to be played only if we get that kind of direct attention and need to blind all the eyes looking at us.”

“Yeah, I guess a shitload of pure destruction is one way to erase a trail,” Sneppit muttered.

“The destruction alone isn’t worth anything,” I said, “otherwise I’d just say ‘build me the biggest fucking bomb you can’ and then roll it down the road at Gwyllthean. I’m talking about a recourse that won’t be good for anything unless a specific set of circumstances unfolds, but if that set of circumstances does befall us, I want it ready to fire. In that worst case scenario, the ability to wipe out our opposition and cover our escape will be the single most important deciding factor in preserving our long-term prospects.”

Zui did not look any less curious, but for the moment she just watched everyone else’s faces rather than peppering me with more questions. Gizmit was right; after years as an executive assistant, she really was admirably discreet.

“Right, so…these extremely specific circumstances you refer to,” said Kasser. “They seem to pretty much involve us being so screwed that setting off what amounts to a smaller, more controlled Inferno is the least terrible option. Exactly how immediately are you expecting that to come up?”

“I wouldn’t say I am specifically expecting it,” I answered. “This is very much a ‘better to have it and not need it’ scenario. It may never be necessary in the form I first described to you. Best case scenario, we’ll have what amounts to a large stockpile of carefully rigged explosives that can be dismantled and deployed elsewhere. It’s more that… I’m trying to think ahead, to plan for as many possible outcomes as I can imagine. The one thing I’m sure about, when it comes to this bullshit with Caludon, is that one way or another it’s going to spiral out of control. I just want us covered in the event the worst happens.”

“What kinda timeline are we talkin’, here?” Zeckl asked quietly.

Instead of answering, I turned to my Chancellor. “Sneppit, I saw that Rads and his team finished their project ahead of schedule. How’s their next one coming along?”

“A bigger tunnel from Kzidnak to North Watch was one thing,” she said. “What you asked for next… Look, Rads’s crew are efficient beyond all measure, to the point I’ve both approved provisional pay raises for all of ‘em and set an auditor to make sure nobody in that outfit is bein’ overworked. You do not want excavators dropping details or making mistakes. Even so, at their very best, the hole you’ve got ‘em digging is a major undertaking. I don’t expect to see that finished until at least after the tram network is fully reconstructed. Weeks, minimum.”

“All right, that’s fair. I want the budget opened up fully for that project. Have it done as fast as it can be done, and make sure they get anything and everything they need to make it happen.”

“Lord Seiji, you gotta moderate your expectations. There are some projects that can only be aided so much by throwin’ money and warm bodies at ‘em. Past a certain point, extra is just getting in the way.”

“I understand. I want you to find that point and ride it, Snep; you’re the best administrator on at least this island and probably the several nearest. If anybody can toe that line perfectly, it’s you.”

“Just so ya know, flattery doesn’t motivate me,” she said with a smirk, “but I appreciate it anyway. If those are your orders, I’ll make it happen.”

“So…you want your Death Star rigged up by the time Rads is done with that tunnel?” Zeckl asked. “Because…honestly, Lord Seiji, I don’t see it takin’ that long.”

“Good. Have it done as quick as you can without cutting corners. I brought up the tunnel because until that is done, we’re not going to need the Death Star; it won’t do us much good to set it off before that point. But making sure things up top don’t deteriorate that far, that fast will be up to me, so if the timing doesn’t line up, that’s not your fault.”

She nodded. “Okey dokey, then. I’ll get started planning. I’ll need final figures that won’t come until Kasser’s got those installations designed and tallied up, but I can start putting together the munitions.”

“I’d like to come down to your workshop and see what you’re working with first,” Kasser said. “Get a feel for the kinds of devices you can rig up; that’ll help me determine the best ways to install them and pick locations.”

“I want a look at that, too, for similar reasons,” Sneppit agreed. “Unless there was anything else, Lord Seiji?”

I shook my head. “That’s it. Thanks, everybody. And remember: no need to be secretive, but be discreet.”

“Next time we talk about this, I really hope he’ll explain what the hell that even means,” Kasser muttered as he followed Sneppit out. Zeckl trundled along at his heels, her eyes already far away and lost in planning.

In their absence, Zui stared pensively up at me. I regarded her back for a moment, then sighed and headed for the door myself.

“Well, I’d better turn in. It’s gonna be another long one tomorrow.”

“Good idea,” she said, following me.

“What’re…oh, yeah. I keep forgetting you took a room in the fortress.”

“And I’m not going all the way around to use the fancy new outdoor tunnel,” she added archly, “when the old one is right there and it’s late enough even Gannit’s probably turned in.”

“Fair enough, I wasn’t either.”

Rads and his phenomenally effective team had bored us a much more suitable underground access while I’d been away, which was wide and tall enough to move cargo and large groups efficiently, and also connected one corner of the North Watch courtyard to a broad tunnel intersection in Kzidnak, rather than linking a cramped kitchen to a cramped underground office. We were still using Maugro’s old place for the kind of discreet meeting I’d just held, and so Zui and I didn’t have far to go to reach the old kitchen tunnel.

“It’s North Watch,” she said suddenly, pausing just inside to look back up at me, her reddish violet eyes glinting in the dimness. With the gift of goblin dark vision I’d borrowed from her, I could of course see the shape of her fully in the unlit tunnel, but blocked by my own shadow that faint gleam of light reflected in her eyes was the only color visible to me. “I’m just working off context, here, but you are talking about destroying North Watch in the event it comes under direct attack. Evac everybody underground and turn the entire fortress into a weapon.”

I nodded. “Good guess.”

“Guess, my ass,” she snorted. “It was unsubtle enough I seriously gotta wonder why you felt the need to be all cryptic. And honestly, Death Star? Really, man?”

“Hey, it wasn’t my idea to call this whole rigamarole the Dark Crusade, but I can at least iterate on a theme.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Zui turned and resumed walking; I had to hunch slightly to follow her. It was annoying, but with the new tunnel in place it hadn’t seemed worthwhile to expand this one. “Hm. I’m not exactly well-read on military history, but I bet that’ll be a new one. Doubt any besieging army has ever suddenly found the thing they encircled turned out to be a giant fucking bomb.”

“Killing the enemy is only part of it, like I said. Our profile is too high; eventually, we’re going to be found. Vanishing into the shadows will involve leaving behind a big enough mess that people will believe we bit the dust ourselves in the process.”

“Nobody’s gonna like this,” she said quietly. “I can see all the care and effort that’s gone into North Watch in the last few months. You’ve really turned this old ruin into a home.”

“We have,” I agreed. “I don’t like it either, Zui, not one bit. But… We can build a new home. It’s the people who have to be preserved. Nobody’s replaceable, and we’re already inevitably going to lose a lot more. I have to…to do…what I can.”

She pushed open the door into the fortress’s kitchen and paused just inside, turning to regard me thoughtfully. It was dim, and quiet, everything washed and put away. I hadn’t realized it was this late. Gannit, Donon and Madyn were nowhere in evidence. The only person present was Minifrit, seated at the prep table with her pipe and a glass of wine, watching us without apparent surprise.

“I can’t say what’s gonna happen, Seiji,” Zui said suddenly. She stepped closer and reached out to press one hand against my thigh for just a moment, which I took to be the equivalent of a touch on the shoulder but…where she could reach. “You’re right, things are gonna get bad. But seriously, it makes all the difference that you care this much. Ridiculous asshole that you are, everybody here knows you care. We’ll all get through it, as long as you don’t lose that.”

I…was not prepared for that. She’d caught me worn out a the end of a very long day, and for an uncomfortably vulnerable second, showtime eluded me, leaving me to welter in the…sincerity. I hate that. It took a moment and an active effort to relax my posture and control my expression, and then by the time I opened my mouth to produce a glib answer Zui was already speaking again.

“And now you’ll make some inappropriate joke, because anything’s better than admitting you feel anything but anger and smugness. I’m not paid enough to deal with your bullshit, Seiji, that’s Aster’s job. Good night, Junko. Night, Minifrit.”

She turned, waving over one shoulder as she slipped out through the corridor toward the mess hall.

“G’night, Zui,” I called after her, getting another wave, and then she was lost to view. For a second I listened to the soft footfalls vanishing up the hallway, and only then turned around.

Minifrit was smiling broadly at me, her eyes half-lidded and as self-satisfied as I’d ever seen her.

“What?” I demanded, suddenly suspicious.

Her smile widened by a full centimeter, and she shrugged. “Surprising, but…I approve. You do have pretty good taste.”

“Oh, don’t even start, you—”

“Don’t you start.” She pointed the stem of her pipe at me. “You are talking to an expert, Lord Seiji—as well as someone who has made it her personal business to mend that drawer full of loose prickleburrs and broken glass you call a heart. Just spare us both the indignity of flimsy denials. I have taken note of exactly how many women your eyes follow that way, and here’s a hint: it’s exactly one.”

“Yeah, well, that’s just… It’s only…” I held up both hands in front of my own chest in a cupping gesture, making squeezy motions with my fingers. “Y’know?”

“Mine are bigger,” she rejoined, still smirking. “In absolute terms, if not proportional to height.”

“So…what? You’re telling me I’m into shortstacks? Well, that is a revelation. Guess I owe Donon an apology.”

“Sneppit is prettier, by most any standard,” Minifrit countered. “She certainly works harder at it. I’m serious, young man, you may as well quit wasting time deflecting. What are you so afraid of, anyway?”

“…fuckin’ hell, Min, where do I start?”

“There is an overall pattern here, you know,” she said in a gentler tone. “Of all the people who either oppose you with everything they have or fawn over the earth you walk upon… Zui is the one who makes you work the hardest to impress her, and then actually rewards that effort with genuine approval. I think that your type is women who challenge you. Trust me, Seiji, as someone who has seen every vice and predilection of men and personally catered to more of them than otherwise: you got the best one.”

I found myself unable to cough up a glib answer to that. Instead, scowling in displeased contemplation, I just shuffled over to the table, pulled out a chair, and flopped down in it. Junko trotted over and leaned comfortingly against my leg, tail wagging.

“She likes you too, y’know,” Minifrit added, leaning her chin on one hand and smiling at me. “And she is definitely going to be as prickly as you about it. At least. I am confident that pursuing the matter wouldn’t be a waste of your time, but I’ll caution you not to do all the work. You deserve to have someone impress you, too.”

Slowly, I shook my head. “It’s not happening, Min. Seriously…not on the table. Not with that one, at least. You know how Enjoin works.”

“Yes, I know. But—”

“It isn’t just that.” I scrubbed a hand over my face, feeling suddenly too worn out for this conversation. “I don’t… I do not have the free space in my head to deal with this. I just haven’t got the energy. I’m juggling too many plates, I am not fucking doing the whole tortured romance bit right now.”

“Okay,” she said quietly, still gazing at me with that gentle smile. Actually setting down her pipe for once, she reached over to brush an errant lock of hair away from my forehead. “And that is a completely valid choice, if that’s what you’ve decided. It’s just that it’s important to actually decide, and not torture yourself trying to deny it or accidentally lead her on.”

“That’s…how it has to be for now.”

“Then so it shall be. Would you like company tonight?”

“I think…” I caught her hand in mine, pressing a kiss to her palm, and then gently setting it down on the table. “I think tonight, what I need to do is just sleep. Tomorrow’s gonna be rough. Thanks, though, Min.”

“You are, as always, most welcome.”