Only Villains Do That - 4.43 In Which the Dark Lord Doesn't Make the Rules

“You summoned me, Dark Lord?”

The great hall was a lot busier now, with my people slowly spreading through the place, taking stock under strict orders not to touch any of Khariss’s personal possessions or alchemical equipment, or mess with the spiders. Scary as the spiders were, their shy demeanor tended to defuse a lot of the tension their appearance caused. We’d returned from our chat in the parlor to find Nazralind trying to pet one.

Now, Rath Kadora had just strode up in response to my request for his presence, looking unruffled by all this as he always did. He’d given the nearest necrospider only a single look—a look which had caused it to scurry away up the stairs as fast as its eight legs could skitter.

“Ah, yes,” I said. “Rath Kadora, chieftain of the wolf tribe, I would like you to meet Khariss Gwylhaithe, the witch of the deep forest. She has something to say to you.”

The towering wolfman raised one eyebrow. “Oh?”

I waited for a moment, then sighed. “Khariss. Now, please.”

Slowly, she poked her disheveled head out from behind me and mumbled something so indistinct even I couldn’t make it out.

“Speak up, girl,” Rath Kadora ordered, causing her to flinch. He hadn’t been especially curt, but nor was he making an effort to be friendly. Nor would I, in his position.

“I…” It came out as barely a croak. The vampire swallowed heavily and tried again, with just enough force to actually be audible. “…’m sorry.”

This time, both of his eyebrows rose. “You’re sorry?”

“About…your village.” She was clearly struggling to push out every word, not to mention gripping my coat as if it was the only thing holding her upright. Still, she kept going. “The…my undead. They weren’t…supposed to…be outside. It was an accident. I…have walls up, but…they broke. I didn’t mean to hurt anybody. I’m…sorry.”

She ducked back again; I couldn’t tell from my angle whether she was hiding her eyes behind my shoulder or peeking up at him over it, and neither would have surprised me. Rath Kadora stared incredulously down at the top of her head for a long moment.

With the passing seconds, I started to worry. Zhylvren had been spot on: Khariss was in deep denial about a lot of stuff, and it had been something of an undertaking to make her acknowledge that letting the results of a hundred and fifty years of necromantic experimentation just wander around behind barely-maintained village walls was the kind of thing that would lead to consequences. I hadn’t even broached the topic of her bandit gangs, because I did not want to deal with the meltdown that would ensue when someone forced her to realize that by inciting bandits to bring her corpses she had definitely gotten a shit ton of people murdered. I knew firsthand that kind of thing was not easy to grapple with, and I was a lot less emotionally fragile than Khariss. Right now, it occurred to me that it might have been wiser to prep Rath Kadora for this conversation. If he went off on her like he had a perfect right to, she was liable to have some kind of episode.

Finally, though, he grunted. “Very well. I accept your apology. I will expect you to assist in repairing and resupplying us. The Dark Lord can decide how best to use your abilities.”

Khariss peeked over me and then ducked back down again. I could feel her quivering.

“I appreciate your graciousness, Rath Kadora,” I said, in lieu of her doing it because let’s face it, that was not happening.

He grunted again. “There are times when a grudge is worthwhile, and times when it is not. I have the strong impression that exacting any further revenge upon this creature would be inherently dishonorable.”

“Good call,” I agreed. “Khariss, no one is going to hurt you. Can you please let go?”

“What if they yell at me?” she squeaked.

Jesus H. donkey fucking Christ.

“Half an hour ago you were standing proud in this hall like a warrior queen,” I said, marshaling every last dreg of my patience. “What happened to your spine, woman?”

“I was angry,” she whispered. “That makes it a lot easier.”

“Well, Lord Seiji certainly understands about that,” Aster commented. “Mistress Gwylhaithe, you really do need to let go of him. And stop hiding in general.”

“Consider it practice,” Zui added.

I felt the weight behind me shift as the vampire turned to peek at Zui. “Practice for what? I just want to work in my lab. If I have to work with people, they can stay outside.”

I was already regretting promising that nobody was going to hurt her. Somebody absolutely was. Possibly—likely—me.

“For when you get Dark Lord Yomiko back,” Zui said. “I’m assuming this is habits formed from a century and a half of isolation we’re seeing, here. If you were willing to follow the Dark Lord on a campaign into the heart of Lancor, you definitely weren’t afraid of raised voices back then. We want your Yomiko to see the Khariss she remembers, not some skittering recluse. Right?”

Khariss drew in a sharp breath, and then I felt the grip on my coat finally release. I seized the opportunity to take a step away and half-turn to bring her into my field of view. The vampire was standing with the ramrod-straight posture and composed expression of someone who was concentrating fully on those things. After a second, though, she turned and nodded at Zui.

“Yes. You’re right. Thank you, Miss Zui. I should…practice.”

That was all the time it took for her to hunch her shoulders and wrap her arms around herself again, but at least she was still upright and talking to us. Baby steps.

“Excuse me,” Aster said sharply, “perhaps I misheard that. Did you say get Dark Lord Yomiko back?”

“Yeah, I hate to be the one to tell you this,” added Nazralind, “but she’s kind of extremely ohhhhh, with the zombies, yep. Now I get it. I’m up to speed.”

“Wait,” Drun Kadora said, stepping bodily into the conversation, “can she actually do that?”

“After consulting our familiars,” I answered, “the consensus is probably not, and if so, not within any of our lifetimes. As such, I have no objection to Khariss carrying on this project over the long term and even helping her out a bit, if that means having her skills on our team. Not to mention her very large and heavily fortified property which needs a lot of work but once that work is done will be a whole-ass town with its own solid defenses that our enemies mostly don’t know exists and would have to hike through limns of khora to reach if they did.”

“Hey, wait a minute,” Khariss interjected, “this is my home. I didn’t say you could—”

“The Dark Lord is making an extraordinary effort to be accommodating with you,” Aster said firmly. “That does not change the fact that we are at war, and that you have incited this response by unleashing zombies on the whole damn island. You’re being annexed, Khariss. Start liking it.”

“Rath Kadora,” I said loudly before this could devolve further, “what’s the status of your village at the moment? I’m a bit out of the loop what with recent events.”

“Thanks to your assistance and supplies, repairs have begun,” he answered. “Once you sent word of the likelihood of the King’s Guild sending scouts, we scaled back operations, so they are going more slowly than they were. We have outer defenses now that suffice to stop zombies, though I wouldn’t trust them against a worthy foe. Much of the village remains too damaged to inhabit, however. More than half of my people remain in accommodations in Kzidnak. I am told that they have by and large been positively surprised by the comfort,” he added, nodding deeply toward Zui. “The goblins have been hospitable and most kind neighbors.”

“How about this, then,” I said, turning back to Khariss. “We already know a chain of events has been set in motion that’ll result in Fflyr forces coming here en masse. Without a lot of help to get this place back into shape, you’re going to lose your home entirely. Instead of that, I am asking you to allow us the use of this absolutely enormous space which you really don’t need all to yourself. In exchange, we will fix it, both the damage caused by our incursion and the general decay of how you’ve neglected most of the property for the last hundred and fifty years.”

“Hey, it’s immaculate in here!” she protested, scowling at me. “I have…helpers! They’re very efficient!”

“Are they why the ceiling is absolutely covered in cobwebs?” Nazralind asked innocently.

“Also the exterior courtyard and the entire walled village outside look like somebody’s been letting zombies rummage through them for decades,” Aster added. “I hope you weren’t keeping those for any particular reason, by the way. We’ve put down most of them by now, pretty much all except the ones that’re still wandering around the forest.”

Khariss winced, but lowered her eyes and hunched her shoulders further. “I mean…not really, not in…particular. Once I’ve used one for practice it’s not like I need the reference material in most cases, I just… I worked hard on those, you know? Most of them took days to make. Weeks, in the beginning. Months, the first few! By now I can make a good one in a few hours, unless the body is badly damaged. But…it’s hard to just throw something out after you put that much effort into it. You know?”

Unbelievable. All this because she was a fucking hoarder.

“Right, well, that aside,” I said, “that is a serviceable village out there. The wall will have to be our top priority; I need it not only repaired but bolstered into something that’ll stand up to a serious attack, because one of those is probably coming by spring. And the village itself…is a village. At least some of the structures looked salvageable and the rest can be replaced. The point is, this is a well-established and serviceable plot of land. With some TLC we can turn it into a real home. And Khariss, I think an excellent start would be for you to offer some hospitality to some of the wolf tribe who lost their home to your shenanigans.”

She froze, glancing rapidly between Rath Kadora and his daughter.

“There are some who I’d trust to be…philosophical about this,” Drun commented, meeting her father’s gaze questioningly. “It’s worth a shot, anyway.”

“Just…be nice to my spiders,” Khariss said softly. “They’re very gentle. You people are already scaring them.”

“We’re scaring them,” Zui muttered.

“It’s gonna be a process all around,” I said. “This is a start, that’s all.”

“That’s also a pretty tall order,” Aster said, frowning. “Getting that village re-fortified and livable by spring? You’re asking a lot, Lord Seiji. This is a much bigger project than anything else you’ve set our people to doing. I’m not sure we can pull it off, not to the quality it’d need and on that timetable.”

“Goblins can do it,” Zui said with absolute confidence, then immediately frowned. “Well…hm. Goblins are great builders, but we’re not accustomed to working on the surface during the winter.”

“The three types of beastfolk among us are well-suited to outdoor labor in cold weather,” Zhylvren said smoothly. “I doubt many of our tribes have experience with masonry or heavy construction in general, but we do build our own homes.”

“And we can follow instructions,” Jessak added quietly. “Nobody stupid survives long in the forest.”

“Sneppit and Kasser are gonna love this,” I said, grinning. “I’ll get them out here ASAP to look the place over and draw up a plan. The point is, Khariss: yes, you’re going to have to start getting used to having neighbors and houseguests, but there are no freeloaders in the Dark Crusade. Plus, we have strict rules about people treating each other and their possessions and homes with respect. I think you’ll be pleased with the place when we’ve done our work.”

“Hm,” she mumbled. “I guess that’s…that would be… I might not hate that.”

“Okay,” said Aster, “sounds good, as far as it goes. I almost hate to remind everybody, but… This place, specifically, is going to be the target of a focused attack by the Clans and whoever else Rhydion goads into helping with his pet project. He was talking like he didn’t mean to just involve Dount. The various military forces in Fflyr Dlemathlys are not that impressive as militaries go, but…I’m pretty sure they can take a single fortified village. Is it really wise to invest a lot of effort and resources into sprucing this place up when there’s a very high likelihood we’re just going to lose it all in a matter of months? It might be better to leave it full of traps and evacuate Khariss and all her equipment to someplace where we can protect her.”

Khariss slumped so hard for a second I thought she might faint again; Zui patted her soothingly on the hip.

“I have been thinking about that.”

By this point, those who had been with me a while recognized it by the subtle shift in my delivery; Nazralind, always my biggest fan, grinned outright. Zui folded her arms and tried to look unimpressed, because she always had to be difficult about something. But even the relative newcomers, like Khariss, turned their focus on me. It was my stance, posture, the subtle squeeze of the diaphragm with each breath to project just a bit without raising my volume. When I needed to, I could easily command everyone’s attention.

It was now showtime, and thus everybody shut up. As they should.

“To begin with. Zhylvren, you said there is a large section of the forest in the peninsula of which we’re now in the center that your tribe doesn’t hunt. Correct?”

“Indeed, Dark Lord; this entire region and everything southwest to the edge. The lands we use have always been sufficient for our needs, but we have occasionally ventured down there during lean years. No one occupies the area and the goblins long since sealed the tunnels; that is where the oldest feral zombies roam.”

“What? No.” Khariss shook her head emphatically. “The walls only broke a little while ago. Days…a few weeks? I kept them all locked up before that.”

“I have bad news for you,” Drun Kadora deadpanned.

I cleared my throat and they both fell silent, looking at me.

“Then we control nearly the entire western forest, including some grounds that have not seen much use for hunting and gathering. With the exception of the lizardfolk territory.”

“Which is really just a thin strip around the lake,” said Jessak, nodding.

“Good. I know winter is a lean time by definition, but there is game, and some few gatherable materials even in the cold. With all three tribal villages and now this manor as bases, plus the goblins’ access tunnels, we have thorough control and freedom of movement across the entire area. Hunting parties will go out regularly. I know we’re reduced to guesswork, but those most experienced: what return should I expect from such efforts?”

“Winter is lean,” Rath Kadora agreed. “That is a lot of additional territory, though. Hrm. Without having to worry about territorial boundaries, so long as we stay out of Shylver lands… I think we can feed all our people for the winter, Dark Lord. Especially with the goblins’ farms. They eat weird things, but hunters in the winter dare not be picky.”

“We may be able to produce a surplus to help the lowborn if we cannot get those relief supplies redistributed,” Zhylvren added, “though I recommend only the most cautious of optimism, Lord Seiji. The forest can only provide so much, especially in the winter. We must not overburden it or we shall all starve in the years to come.”

“We’ll do what we can,” I said. “Now, as for the attacks coming on this area. In a conventional clash of armies, Aster’s analysis is right: we wouldn’t have a chance. But this is very much not a conventional situation. Remember that Rydion’s war is a scam. The reason he was so intent on talking to you, Khariss, was because he wanted to set up a trap—he needs to keep the forces and the attention of the Clans here as long as possible, as thoroughly as possible. Since he cannot work with Khariss directly, he’s willing to work with me. And what we are going to do is create a quagmire. Zhylvren.”

“Lord Seiji?”

“Your people are noted for their alchemical skill. The other inhabitants of this island also fear your guerrilla tactics and stealth ability. Would I be correct in concluding that you also have some skill at the making and setting of traps?”

“Traps?” Okay, I wasn’t the only one who could do it. Zhylvren’s soft tone, her sudden absolute stillness, the sinister undercurrent of menace in her quiet, subtly breathy delivery—even the way she slowly stroked her squirrel familiar—it all made the rest of those present turn to look at her in visible unease. She smiled at me, her eyes about three-quarters lidded. “Why, yes, Lord Seiji. I believe we know a thing or two about…traps.”

“So do goblins,” I added, “who also have considerable engineering skill in general and access to a lot more metal than anyone on the surface. They also have some impressive alchemy of their own. And Khariss… I assume you can make more zombies?”

“I mean…” She shrugged, looking somewhat bemused. “Sure. It’s almost rote. I’ve pretty much only done it to improve my skills with each iteration, but if I were to make them just to make them… Yeah, it’s not much harder than making spider servitors. I bet I could do it a lot faster if I wasn’t working with an experimental process every time. I would need bodies, of course.”

“I’ve got the strangest damn feeling that’s not gonna be a problem,” Zui muttered.

“Velaven, how is your squad coming along?” I asked.

“Very preliminary,” she said. “My ranks are not filled out and the training is in its earliest stages. I would need more than the winter to produce fully trained shadow scouts, but by spring I can have stealth operatives at your disposal which will more than contend with the Fflyr, my lord. So long as they need not be tested against real foes, such as the Shylver or the Gray Guard.”

“We have alchemy, engineering, necromancy, trapwork, and stealth,” I said, smiling my most malicious smile. “We have an accord with the person organizing the other side of the coming conflict, and thus the ability to maneuver it from both directions to take exactly the shape we require. And most important of all, we have drama. The culling of the Clans is only a side effect, my friends. While Rhydion pries loose their grip on power in Dlemathlys, we are going to ensure that every Fflyr soldier who survives attempting to take this place is haunted by nightmares that will echo across generations. We’re going to Palpatine them straight into Vietnam. This manor doesn’t need to be trapped: it is the trap. It’s a big, obvious, tempting target for them to fixate on, while we not only turn that entire fortress into an absolute hell but carefully guide their every step so that each one costs someone a leg. This is our forest, and by the time next winter comes, all of Fflyr civilization will be haunted by the knowledge that they need to stay the fuck out.”

I let the grand pause hang for a moment, just long enough to glance across the encircling faces, taking in the expressions. Not everyone was fully convinced, but I wasn’t losing anybody.

“And while they are learning that lesson, we’re also going to be behind their backs, teaching them to treat their people better. We have everything we need to get this done; now we just need to get to work. Any questions?”

There was another long pause, and for just a second I dared to think the matter was settled, but then Khariss tremulously raised a hand.

“Uh, not about that,” she said, ducking her head when I looked inquisitively at her. “It’s, um. I almost hate to ask, but…you know…” She swallowed heavily. “I’m really sorry, I just…”

“It’s okay, just ask,” Zui encouraged her. “Worst that happens is he says no. Lord Seiji isn’t going to be any meaner to you than he has to be. Right?” she added emphatically, glaring up at me.

I made a mental note to give her no end of shit about that later while I made my expression encouraging for Khariss’s benefit. “Of course. I told you, Khariss, I do my best to look after my people. If you need something, I need you to let me know.”

“It’s just that… I’m, um. I’m really hungry.”

Several people immediately backed up a step, which made her flinch, but I couldn’t exactly blame them.

“I, um. Animal blood just…staves off starvation. And that only works for a while. I’m working on a process to produce artificial blood, but it’s…it’s not even as good as that, yet. Once in a while I have to get some from a person, or…or I get…” She hunched even lower, staring at the floor. “Nobody wants to see that.”

“We will take your word for it,” Drun Kadora declared.

“You needn’t,” said Zhylvren. “My people keep long memories. I can assure you that starving the vampire is a very bad idea.”

“I don’t want to be a bother,” Khariss whispered. “It’s just…I thought…if I’m gonna be around people a lot…maybe…somebody…?”

“Well…hell, that makes sense,” I agreed after a moment’s consideration.

“You want to feed people to the vampire?” Rath Kadora rumbled.

“Don’t be ridiculous, she obviously knows how to take just a little bit from a person,” I said. “That’s the arrangement she made with her bandit gangs and occasionally the squirrel tribe. Right?”

“Yes, right,” Khariss said, nodding emphatically.

“So, sure,” I said with a shrug. “It’ll obviously be on a volunteer basis only, I am not going to order anybody to open a vein unless it’s in combat. But you’re a master alchemist, Khariss, I’m sure you’ve got potions and powders people would be more than happy to trade a little blood for. We’ve got plenty of folks who might be interested. So long as you don’t stick your fangs in anyone unwilling, you have my permission to do whatever business you need to among the Crusade.”

“Hell, I know way too many goblins who’d take that deal,” Zui commented.

“No goblins!” Khariss exclaimed.

Zui’s eyes narrowed to very pretty slits. “Oh? Got a problem with goblins? Cos I’ll tell you up front, this organization has rules about that.”

“What? No, no, goblins are fine, just…” Khariss dry-washed her hands together, slouching and generally making herself a portrait of awkwardness. “Too small. Taking enough blood to be worth making an incision would be dangerous. Need someone, um, full-sized. I know how to drink enough to kill the pangs and not make them too sick. Blood loss is…it can be rough.”

“Oh.” Zui frowned. “Hm, yeah. That’s a point.”

“Hey, Lord Seiji,” Nazralind said suddenly. “That Heal spell of yours remedies blood loss, doesn’t it?”

“Yes, it does,” I said. “Which I am still pissed about. Obviously it’s capable of overriding the conservation of mass on the fly, so why the fuck will it only replace bodily fluids and not regrow limbs? Fucking arbitrary, ridiculous terms and conditions…”

“Wait…Heal? You can do that?” Khariss looked up at me, wide-eyed. “With…with that I could…”

“Khariss,” I said thoughtfully, “have you ever actually had enough sustenance since you became a vampire?”

She looked away again, suddenly glum. “A…couple times. By accident. It was…bad. It was very bad. I mean, it was good, but…not worth it.”

“So blood of any kind will work in a pinch, but to be properly fed it needs to be from a person, and ideally fresh from the vein,” I said. “See, people, this is what I’m talking about. Magic and its fucking fine print, who makes up these rules? Don’t answer that, I’ve met them. Any other important details, Khariss?”

“Well…any person will be fine, as long as it’s a person. That’s…that’s really all I need. But, um, once in a while…” She swallowed heavily again. “If…it’s best if… And it’s not super important! I can do without. But it’ll really give me the most strength and keep the hunger at bay longest if it’s from…my own kind.”

She was very deliberately not looking at Nazralind.

“Yep, I had a feeling that’s where this was heading,” Naz said resignedly.

“Does it need to be a light elf, or either kind?” Velaven asked. “There are a number of magical effects which interact differently with the two races, but also others which draw only a distinction between elves and other types of people.”

“Interesting,” Zhylvren murmured. “I did not know either of those things.”

“I, uh…I’m not…sure,” Khariss admitted. “I’ve never tried… Um, dark elves don’t come here.”

“They’re really missing out,” Zui said dryly.

“All right, well, sure, I don’t mind.” Nazralind shrugged off her quiver, and pulled her jacket and hair aside, tilting her head to bare the nape of her neck. “I always say I’m open to new experiences, and I say that in the full awareness of how it might bite me on the ass at any moment. As long as Lord Seiji’s ready with that Heal, I don’t mind helping out.”

Khariss stared blankly at her. “…what are you doing?”

Nazralind was left standing there awkwardly baring her neck, glancing back and forth between me and Khariss. “Um…isn’t this what you said, Lord Seiji? They bite the neck and—”

“Are you crazy?” Khariss burst out, aghast. “Do you know how dangerous neck wounds are?! Look, here!” She pulled up her own sleeve, patting a spot just above her elbow. “This is the best place! A good vein near the surface but not one that you’ll bleed out from unless, um…well, something goes wrong.”

Everyone turned to stare accusingly at me.

“It’s magic!” I snapped. “What was I just saying about that? I don’t make the rules!”