Only Villains Do That - 4.44- Bonus 16: In Which the Hero Picks the Wrong Place to Put His Foot Down

“We can afford drinks and fried wedges! It was a successful quest, we should celebrate!”

“Just because we have enough money to buy something doesn’t mean we can afford it.”

“That is the literal definition of the word!” Flaethwyn retorted, narrowing her eyes. “Maidhlur with the garden keys.”

“The goose at harvest time,” Pashilyn retorted without hesitation.

At that, Flaethwyn looked actually offended. “That is a children’s story!”

Pashilyn raised her eyebrow and made a pointed expression, saying nothing.

Flaethwyn glared so hard for a moment Yoshi feared she was about to have an outburst, but then she sighed, slumping her shoulders and leaning back in her chair. “I know. I know. I just…wanted something nice. I’m so tired.”

“You deserve something nice,” Yoshi said. “You ended up doing most of the work with those zombies. We just have to be careful with our coin, is all.”

“Sorry,” the elf mumbled. “I probably sound like Conzart at the giants’ market to you two. I’m just not used to…budgeting.”

Amell’s eyebrows rose precipitously at the unprompted apology; this was a recent enough development that she was still adjusting. Fortunately Flaethwyn didn’t seem to notice, and the alchemist quickly covered with a contribution of her own to the discussion.

“I think you’re doing fine, Lady Flaethwyn. Yoshi’s right, you really carried us on this mission.”

“Why don’t we get a round of drinks instead of the fried wyddh?” Yoshi suggested. “That way you can have mine, since you earned most of our coin this round.”

It didn’t matter here that he was under Japan’s legal drinking age, of course, but it had taken Yoshi one experiment with alcohol to decide he didn’t care for it at all. Whether he just didn’t like the taste was an open question, as the Fflyr flavored their drinks with the most bizarre things, but he knew for a certainty that he did not enjoy the fuzzy feeling. That lack of control made him feel nervous and vulnerable; it was the opposite of relaxing.

“You should have your share,” Flaethwyn said without hesitation. “That’s kind, Yoshi, but I’m a one-drink girl anyway. I don’t like feeling out of it any more than you do. Let’s order some fried wedges. If that’s okay with you, Pashilyn?”

“Our budget can bear that much of an indulgence,” the priestess replied with a smile. “In fact, we can afford them with cheese, if we pass up the round of drinks.”

Wedges of that thick flatbread of theirs, fried in pepper-infused oil, topped with more peppers and melted sheep’s cheese—which, of course, also contained peppers. Yoshi was a lot more used to the constant spice by now and if anything the cheese would help cut the heat a bit. There were a lot of ways in which this isekai didn’t conform to the usual story beats, and one was that he wasn’t about to strike it rich by introducing recipes from back home; he was pretty sure the spice-obsessed Fflyr would just plain not like Japanese food. He’d tried to describe to his party the taste and texture of rice once and they’d all four made faces like he had suggested eating bowls of mud.

All three, now. Yoshi quickly distracted himself from that still-raw wound.

“Ahem… Do you think they can make it—”

“Light on the peppers?” Amell finished with a smile. “You know they’re just gonna keep making fun of you, Yoshi.”

“The cooks’ job is to fill orders, not to have opinions about it,” Pashilyn replied before he could, already standing. “And it’s not as if we Fflyr don’t know how foreigners react to our cuisine. Anybody who gives Yoshi grief over it is someone whose opinion needn’t be heard. Light peppers…and maybe a smidge of extra cheese, if I can talk them out of charging for it. Be right back.”

She headed off toward the food counter, which was on the opposite side of the King’s Guild’s front room from the mission counter, just like the bigger Guild hall in Fflyrdylle. Adventurers were served cafeteria style; the party had been incredulous at Yoshi’s surprise there were no waitresses. Apparently staff like that were only a thing at certain very particular eateries here.

Raffan had mocked him for days, but…gently. He’d been great at knowing exactly how to put someone at ease through humor without pushing too hard.

Damn it, there he went again. He cleared his throat, fumbling for the first change of subject that came to mind.

“I still feel bad about how that scuffle went down, Flaethwyn. I’m supposed to be the armored one with the shield, but you kept getting put on the front line the whole fight. Sorry for making you do all the work.”

“It wasn’t all the work,” she said with a small smile. “Fights are chaotic, Yoshi, especially in the dark. I’m inclined to chalk it up to luck, if only because I refuse to consider the possibility that two mindless, shambling corpses outsmarted us. And you did put them down in the end.”

“After you fended them back from us while I was on the entire wrong side of the khora…”

“Choice of weapon matters,” she said, now with a slight frown. “A Mastery weapon is…basically cheating, I’m not too proud to admit. Even so, a rapier is not the best implement for dispatching something that can only be stopped by hacking it to pieces. Well, we won, that’s two less zombies to trouble the farmers, and we got paid. Let’s just have a well-deserved treat and try to pick a less…icky quest next time.”

“Brr,” Amell agreed, shuddering. “Zombies. They’re not even that scary, just…gross.”

The elf nodded in agreement, and Yoshi had to smile.

It was amazing how much more tolerable Flaethwyn had become in a relatively few days, but making a concerted effort had made a difference. Her own efforts, of course, but also his. The epiphany that much of Flaethwyn’s acerbic attitude was rooted in insecurity had changed everything; Yoshi knew very well what that felt like, and had known other people with the same problem who also coped by lashing out. He had taken to deliberately praising her contributions and especially moments of kindness and empathy, while also calling out her rude or spiteful outbursts the way he’d been afraid to before.

That was still hard; confrontation was not in his nature, at least not toward his friends. But Flaethwyn, at least, seemed to respond positively, even accepting criticism with grace so long as it was made clear that her presence was valued and wanted.

“Just ignore them,” Flaethwyn said, and Yoshi realized he’d sunk into his own thoughts again and missed what was going on. He was sure nobody had spoken; he definitely would have paid attention to that, but…

“I am,” Amell said quietly. “I’m used to it.”

Oh. There was another party at the next table over, a group of three adventurers Yoshi and his team knew casually. They were passingly acquainted with most of the regulars at the Gwyllthean King’s Guild at this point, with a few he’d consider friends; these weren’t in that category. A trio of lower-ranked highborn, their leader having only sandy blond hair and eyes a shade of brown pale enough to verge on the more common lowborn gold. And, as usual, they were being loud; Yoshi had just habitually tuned them out.

“Are you just joshing, or do you actually want to go after her? I don’t mind admitting, Fraddher, that reward is tempting.”

“Yes, and also the coin.”

All three brayed with laughter, and Yoshi narrowed his eyes. Oh, right. The big news of the day.

“You’re getting tense,” Radatina murmured right in his ear. “Easy, Yoshi. This isn’t something that needs to be reacted to.”

“I know,” he whispered back. He did know. He’d been… He was still struggling to find his equilibrium. The surprising detente with Omura, that wasn’t so bad; if anything it was a big weight off his shoulders. Yoshi had been off-kilter ever since losing Raffan, though. He’d never lost anyone before, wasn’t prepared for the way grief could manifest as inappropriate, unfocused anger.

“Well, I can’t say it surprises me,” Fraddher continued airily, gesturing with his pint. “She always was a silly bint, trailing along in her betters’ wake. Even when the only better who’d still take her on was that foreign weirdo!”

“It surprises me,” said one of his partners. “Really, though. Treason! I heard what she allegedly said to the Highlady, but even with that warrant posted up in this very room, I’m not sure I can believe it. Who’d have thought that mousy bundle of tits would find the gumption!”

“Come on, haven’t you listened to any of the scuttlebutt, Lhradn? Her last party was wiped out by bandits. The way I heard it, she sold them out. Sold to that Lord What’s-His-Face, most likely.”

“What’s a shame to my way of thinking is that What’s-His-Face has been the only one riding that mare,” replied Fraddher. “Now, that’s a shameful waste of a wench whose only value is her arse. Gentlemen, I think we have an obligation to rectify that ourselves.”

“Practically our civic duty!” Lhradn agreed. “I always had a feeling Delavada was too full of herself. Downright smug, for a lowborn given the honor of joining this venerable guild. No surprise she ended up the way she did.”

“Some schooling in humility is definitely called for before we hand her off to the bailiff, right enough. And I don’t just say that because I always wanted to watch those suckers bounce for me.”

He was on his feet, Radatina hissing an objection in his ear that he barely heard. Funny; he hadn’t actually decided to stand up.

“Yoshi,” Flaethwyn stage whispered, leaning over to grab his arm. “Don’t do anything stupid!”

“Nobody’s perfect, Flaethwyn. Life’s all about making the right mistakes.”

She flinched so hard she accidentally let go. That had been one of Raffan’s favorite sayings.

“She’s right!” Radatina said urgently, grabbing his ear in both her tiny hands. “Don’t get involved!”

She was right. They were both right, and he knew it. This was purely none of his business. He needed…

He wanted to punch someone. It made it hard to resist the allure of someone who clearly needed to get punched.

The next table was close enough all he had to do was turn around and take two steps.

“Excuse me.”

All three turned to look up at him in surprise, still chuckling.

“Don’t you think you’re going too far? Whatever crime she’s accused of, that’s a fellow adventurer you’re talking about. One of us.”

The three went quiet; one continued to grin with an incredulous cast, while the other two smiles faded. In fact, Yoshi realized, the entire room seemed to have grown noticeably less noisy.

“I don’t remember accepting Delavada Aster or any lowborn as my equal, kid,” said Fraddher, who was the leader of this party mostly on the basis of being the most highly ranked in the Fflyr caste system. “Or asking for your opinion.”

“I didn’t ask to hear yours, either, but everyone in the room had to listen to it, so here we are.”

The third one, whose name Yoshi couldn’t remember, actually looked somewhat abashed at that, clearing his throat. “Uh, the boy’s not entirely without a point, Frad. This maybe isn’t the time or place for bathhouse talk. Sorry, son, we’ll keep it down.”

Fraddher made an impatient gesture at him, eyes still on Yoshi. “This is the King’s Guild, not a ladies’ sianadh meet. We’re here to fight for coin, glory, and the honor of Fflyr Dlemathlys. If you can’t handle a little rough talk, then this is not the place for you. And I am certainly not going to moderate my words or my tone out of consideration for some lowborn tramp who’s wanted by the law for not minding her place.”

“Ah, well.” He didn’t know why he kept talking. He’d never felt this… “I guess I’m not used to this…lowborn/highborn system yet. I wouldn’t want to judge a whole country without understanding it a lot better than I do. But if you want an outsider’s perspective, it seems like it causes problems when some people grow up being taught they’re better than others and never having to prove it.”

The room was definitely dead silent now. That probably wasn’t a great sign.

Fraddher turned fully around on his bench and stood up—not abruptly, but forcefully nonetheless. He was at least half a head taller than Yoshi.

“Did I now know better,” he said in a very even tone, “I could take that as an invitation to step outside. Which I’m positive you’re too smart to have extended, Wisdom boy.” He glanced once at Radatina, placing a hand on the pommel of the artifact sword hanging at his hip. “Or would you rather rephrase that?”

Yoshi inhaled slowly, and then forced himself to smile. “You know…you’re right. I was just reprimanded for that a short while ago. I apologize, gentlemen, I keep stepping in this; where I’m from, we…well, we communicate differently. A lot of what I was taught is politeness seems to be insulting to Fflyr sensibilities. Sorry, I’ll try to be more watchful of that.”

The three men all relaxed, Lhradn going so far as to smile, and Fraddher removing his hand from his sword.

“Let me try to speak plainly, then, since you Fflyr prefer that to dancing around the issue. I know Delavada Aster. I have fought both against and alongside her. I can’t speak for this treason thing, but what I do know is that if she heard you talking like that, Delavada Aster would spend half an hour pushing the three of you around the floor like a mop. And if the rest of you is anything like your mouths, the floor wouldn’t be any cleaner afterward. Good luck collecting that bounty.”

Both the others stood up, and Fraddher’s hand went back to his sword.

“Outside it is, then.”

Yoshi was taken by surprise; his attention on the three men, he had not expected to be attacked from behind. The slap hit the back of his head, rocking him forward.

“Yoshi, stop picking fights,” Flaethwyn barked. “And over Delavada Aster, of all bloody people! We barely met her, and you don’t care about her any more than I do.”

He turned toward her, opening his mouth to speak, but froze at her expression.

She grabbed his shoulder with the hand that had just slapped him, holding on as firmly as she held his eyes with just her own.

“I miss him too, Yoshi. You may not believe that…and I won’t deny it surprised me a little…but Goddess help me, I do.” Flaethwyn gave him a squeeze and a shake. “Raffan would have hit you harder, and you know it.”

Both of Fraddher’s teammates silently touched their foreheads right between the eyebrows and then a spot just above the heart with the right hand, then lowered it palm-up to waist level with the left hand under it. The heirat of remembrance for the fallen. Even Fraddher lowered his eyes, the hostility visibly leaking from him. Though they’d only been on Dount for a few weeks, Raffan had quickly made himself popular around the Guild. He’d been good at that.

Yoshi closed his eyes for a moment, feeling his own posture slump, and only opened them again when the prickle behind them had subsided. “I’m being an ass, aren’t I.”

Flaethwyn just raised her eyebrows in the exact expression Pashilyn had used on her minutes before.

“There’s…been a bit of that going around,” Fraddher said carefully, giving Flaethwyn a sidelong look. She was also well-known around the guild, for less positive reasons. “We should’ve cut the lad a bit more leeway. Rathensus leading the trubbings, and all that. My apologies as well.”

The elf looked over at him, her expression hardening. “Just because Yoshi was out of line doesn’t mean he was wrong. You three, keep civil tongues in your heads. And also, yes, Delavada would demolish you, I’ve seen her fight. There’s a reason the girl felt cocky enough to talk at Highlady Nazfryn that way; she said worse to me, not that anyone cares. Pick a different bounty.”

“We appreciate your counsel, Highlady Flaethwyn,” Fraddher replied with the utmost courtesy, folding down his hands.

Flaethwyn looked him up and down once, snorted softly to herself, and turned back toward their table, giving Yoshi a tug.

He rejoined them, a bit shamefaced, to find Pashilyn waiting there with a platter of fried flatbread dripping with melted cheese.

“I stepped away for two minutes.”

“A moose, though?”

“Take this seriously, Yoshi,” Amell said sternly, her breath misting in the winter air. “Those things are enormous. If this one’s gotten bold enough to break into paddocks and fight guard donkeys, it is not going to be easy to take down. It’s also well worth doing if we can pull it off: that’s a lot of meat and a nice pelt. Great additional money. People even buy the antlers.”

“But…a moose. It doesn’t exactly feel like an adventure.”

“At least it’s not zombies,” Flaethwyn muttered. “Or goblins.”

As usual they’d decided to get the earliest start possible, reporting to the Guild to select the best quest from the new postings; Yoshi had been overridden on this. Now they were heading out through the morning chill, approaching the west gate not long after dawn, when it was still dim almost to the point of dark within the shadow of the walls.

Yoshi’s feet slowed slightly as they came within view of the gate guards. Usually the Kingsguard could barely manage to stand upright at their posts, but now… It would have been merely unusual to find them attentive, but he saw the moment it happened. One of the guards had glanced their way, then done a double-take, and leaned over to whisper to his partner. Both had stared up the street at them, then the second man had ducked inside the guard house.

“Don’t stop,” Pashilyn said quietly. Of course she’d noticed it, too. “Whatever this is, running is not a viable move. Be calm, do not let them goad you, and don’t fight unless the danger becomes immediate and extreme.”

He forced his feet to move evenly, heart already thumping. They hadn’t done anything, why would—

The Guild. He’d publicly stood up for someone who was accused of high treason and sedition—someone connected to the great and mysterious Lord Seiji. Shit. Had someone in power figured out about Omura? Was it one of the really dangerous players who knew to watch for Japanese people?

“It’s not a trap,” Radatina said, just loudly enough for them all to hear. “At least, not a physical one. There are only two additional men: the Kingsguard captain and one Blessed with Magic of fairly low strength. That’s not enough muscle to detain four adventurers, not with three of them Blessed.”

“The captain,” Flaethwyn muttered. “I remember that cretin.”

“If it’s the captain himself, this isn’t random chance,” Pashilyn added softly. “They knew which gate we were going toward.”

That would be as simple as knowing what quest they’d taken from the Guild that morning. He didn’t say that aloud, not trusting his voice in that moment.

The guardhouse door opened again, and Yoshi recognized the man who emerged. He wore a lieutenant’s insignia, and had also been present when they were arrested by the Kingsguard; he knew Windburst and had flung Flaethwyn across the street with it. His expression stern, the man stepped forward, one hand on his (thankfully still sheathed) sword and the other holding a sheet of paper.

“You are…Yoshi Shenma and party?”

“Uh…” He winced. “No, but I’m who you want.”

The lieutenant glanced at the sheet again and grimaced. “Whatever. Nobody could possibly pronounce that. I need the four of you to step inside, please.”

“May we ask what this is in regards to?” Pashilyn inquired politely.

“Everything will be explained to you, my lady. Inside.” He stood to one side of the guardhouse door, pointing at it and not moving to precede them.

Still, Yoshi hesitated. Pashilyn was right; as sketchy as this was, actually fighting was a losing proposition, as was running. They could easily do either, but then they’d be wanted by the entire Kingsguard. It didn’t sound like they were walking into immediate danger—not much of it, anyway. At this point, their best bet was to figure out what was happening and avoid making it worse.

He led the way inside, too nervous to be relieved by the relative warmth of the asauthec braziers. The lieutenant waited until they were all in before following and pulling the door shut after them.

“Over there.” He pointed toward another door, taking up his own position outside. Okay…if they were going to be alone in a room with the captain, that was even better. Safer in the short term, at least.

Yoshi again proceeded first, opening the indicated door and stepping through into what turned out to be an office beyond. There was a desk, but Captain Norovena wasn’t seated behind it, instead standing with his arms folded behind his back, perusing the row of books on a shelf. He looked up at the four adventurers upon their arrival, face an unreadable mask, but said nothing until they were all inside and Amell had cautiously shut the door behind them.

“Good to see you all again,” he finally said, his tone notably dry. “I see you followed my exhortation to stay out of trouble for a few weeks, at least. I’ll take what I can get; that’s better than some of your compatriots down at the Guild give me.”

“Excuse me, Captain, but I wasn’t aware we were in trouble,” Yoshi said.

“Not yet, but you’re heading that way. Lady Pashilyn, I’ll need you to hand over that quest bill, please.”

She looked at him, and then down at the sheet of paper in her gloved hand. Pashilyn had a habit of carrying them at least until they were outside the city; Yoshi had never asked why she didn’t immediately tuck them away in a pocket, but after seeing this he started to wonder how common events like this were.

“Do you have the authority to—”

“I wouldn’t blame you kids for jumping to the conclusion that this is going to be an adversarial conversation,” said Norovena, “and to be sure, I have some things to say that you may not enjoy hearing, but no, you needn’t worry. I’ll repeat: you are not in trouble. I may not be able to keep you out of it, nor would I be inclined to stick my neck out for you, but if you refrain from being difficult here it will only be to your benefit. I need that quest bill to return to the King’s Guild. I have a new one for you.”

He extended another sheet of paper, folded once; after a moment’s hesitation, Pashilyn accepted it, handing over the moose quest in return. The others crowded around, peering over her shoulder as she opened it to reveal the assignment.

“The Kingsguard has priority to request specific adventurers for assignments,” Norovena said, “which is why you’ll see your names and the Guild’s stamp already in place there. Sign it, or don’t, as you like; you won’t need to hand it over until you return with your report of the completed task, and they can replace the bill if you manage to lose this one. You will be heading directly into the field from here and not reporting back until your mission is complete.”

“Excuse me, Captain,” Pashilyn said carefully, “but can you offer a bit more context on this quest, please?”

“The intelligence that the wolf tribe has vacated their village under zombie attack came from one Lord Seiji,” Norovena said, still impassive. “You are acquainted, as I recall. While the Archlord is quite interested in what Lord Seiji has to say, the King’s Guild and Kingsguard both regard him as a witness of debatable credibility, which is why trusted confirmation of this report is required. Your qualifications for special selection for this task are your successful suppression of the goblin uprising, your recent success against undead, and the personal endorsement of Rhydion.”

Yoshi blinked twice. “Wait—Rhydion? That paladin guy? Why would… We’ve never even talked to him! Wait, did you girls talk to him?”

“Briefly, socially,” Pashilyn whispered. “In passing. Nothing that I imagined would impress him.”

“That man sees ten times as much as he says,” Norovena said grimly. “Which is not even one of the more compelling reasons his word counts so heavily. If you’ve caught his attention, step carefully. Now, your task is to approach the wolf tribe’s village, ascertain its condition, and report back to the King’s Guild. The Guild, mind you, not to me; the Kingsguard will receive its report from your superiors. Your expected opposition is the unconfirmed number of stray zombies known to be moving in that part of the forest, and possibly the wolf tribe. They do not usually attack humans unless provoked, but matters right now are uncertain. Do you understand?”

“Captain,” Yoshi attempted, “why are you really—”

Norovena cleared his throat loudly. “Do you understand?”

Well, it was worth a shot, but no luck. “Yes, we understand.”

“Good.” The captain hesitated, and then finally let his impassive demeanor slip somewhat to reveal a hint of annoyance. “Listen, kid. I don’t care how hot she is or how drunk you were, you do not stand in the middle of the King’s Guild and argue on behalf of someone who’s gotten in deep shit with no less than the King of Fflyr Dlemathlys over caste affairs. That Guild is one of the few organizations in the country in which low and highborn participate with anything resembling merit-based equality, and you idiots just introduced a class-based schism in the Gwyllthean branch. There are now different registered parties sniping at each other based on the color of their hair, and they all remember who started it. So when I go out of my way to get you out of my town for a few days, some gratitude on your part is in order.”

“W-we did what?” Amell squeaked

Flaethwyn folded her arms and curled her lip. “What do you mean, we?”

“I thought it seemed tense,” Pashilyn murmured. “No wonder no one would speak with us this morning.”

Yoshi just stood there feeling queasy.

Norovena stared at them in silence for another moment before continuing.

“A final reminder: the King’s Guild is a busy organization that doesn’t have time to sort through reams of extraneous data. I’m sure you know to keep your reports concise. Keep in mind that you will be expected to not only ascertain the situation around the wolf tribe’s village, but determine what, exactly, the Guild does or does not need to know.”

Yoshi frowned at him in uncertainty. Was…was he actually suggesting…?

“That will be all, then,” Captain Norovena said, suddenly brisk and dismissive. “If you’ve no further questions, off you go.”

And just like that, they were back in the middle of it.