Peace Maker - Chapter 206

He was stuck in this spiral of confusion, the floor beneath his swallowing him up like quicksand. Dragging him further under its grainy surface its muddy body sticking to him like worries stuck to his mind like leeches.

It was stifling under there. Stifling under his oceans of thoughts and worries, stifling under his doubts.

He kneeled on the ground then reduced to sitting slightly. He had to think. He had to think. There is nothing left but to think and not about Dominic, but rather how the kingdom was going to continue without him, if he was gone. Which he wasn’t but if he was, they would have to go through a lot of troubles but he wasn’t, so they wouldn’t, but if he was, the kingdom might end up crumbling down right in his hands. What will he do then? What will he say to the dead Dominic who is not dead, but if he was what would he say to react? What would he do then when the kingdom will start to revolt, which they will not because Dominic won’t die but if he does then wh-

His thoughts were tunneling again.  He couldn’t think. All he could do was worry. It was getting difficult to breathe under the quicksand, the mud sifting up his nose and clogging his lungs as his thoughts corrupted all the sense in him. It was hard to imagine that this was all happening right now and if he was frank it wasn’t, but if he had to realize that it was then what would happen to himself-

He was tunneling deeper. It was dark below the quicksand, like all the possibilities of how Dominic might have but didn’t die.

Boris placed his head in his hand and let out a loud groan. Another tear ran down his cheek followed by another. He didn’t know why they were falling. He didn’t know why he was crying.

He didn’t know what to believe.

He tried to stand up from the ground but his legs trembled slightly and he fell back down on his knees.

He hadn’t thought about the possibility of it happening. He hadn’t foreseen this ever happening and even as the possibility of it actually happening is currently happening at the moment, he couldn’t grasp it. Like it was some foreign event that his mind couldn’t accept.

He wiped away the tears off his face and stood up, forcing down the emotions that were building up inside. ‘That’s weird..’ he thought to himself, ‘why didn’t I even foresee the possibility of it happening?’ He walked back to the desk and glanced at the paper, rereading it once again, this time focusing on the beginning.

He placed down the paper after reading it. ‘No… the prince is ok..’ he thought to himself and he glanced at the wrinkled edges of the paper caused by him clenching the paper earlier. ‘The writing shows no sign that something more happened to the prince..’ Boris thought to himself.

He picked up the paper again and held it up to the chandelier that hung from the ceiling once again, checking for some hidden writing. ‘The letter itself didn’t seem to have an empty beginning when it started off…’ he thought to himself as he looked at the beginning of the letter.

‘If it was a letter that was informing me of the Prince’s death, it would have been something that would begin with the death, rather than end with it. As it is something with a heavy topic, the writer would have just beaten to the chase right?’ he thought and then looked down at the ripped envelope, “and the enveloping would be different too… it would be black with a red stamp not just a simple white, dusted paper right? If something bad happened, at worst it’s an injury… that isn’t life-threatening, right?’

He dropped the letter and let out a little sigh.

‘Yeah… that’s right… it didn’t seem like the letter was going to hold such dreadful news at the beginning though…’ Boris thought to himself as he covered his face with his hand, feeling his wet cheeks. “Hah… What was I so worried about?” he muttered loosely as he shut his eyes.

He sat there for a moment as his heart thumped loudly in his chest.

He sat up and then looked down at his hands as they were held up in front of him. ‘Right… what was I so worried about?’ he thought to himself, ‘what was I panicking about?’

He had been crestfallen at the mention of something happening to Dominic and immediately fell into a complete tunnel in which he struggled to get out of as his thoughts pushed him deeper into despair.

But for what reason? It didn’t make sense. He turned around, gazing out the windows.

It was because of the kingdom. The fact that he had to hold up such a high and mighty force by himself, in a place so out of place from where he deserved to be. He would be forced to sit on top of that ladder and gaze down at people he didn’t even know that well, to govern people he didn’t know that well as the temporary Prince who became the actual prince.

People would claw at his throne, desperately waiting for a chance to drag him down to hell and rip the kingdom apart. And maybe power from within itself would fall apart as he is no longer a royal and they had no obligation to go along with him. Even Kalmin himself might decide to toss him aside because he is loyal only to the Aarvi royalty. Or…Or maybe he wouldn’t even rule. Maybe the moment they would find out, he would be cast down from his seat and some rich power-hungry noble would take the place and burn the kingdom to ashes while he’d be forced to watch.

That was the reason why. He was afraid of everything being on top of him and crumbling down because of him. The kingdom was the reason why. Yes, he could continue to lie.

But he couldn’t lie to himself, at least not for long.

It wasn’t because of the kingdom. He knew it himself. That wasn’t the reason why he was so scared of when he had found out Dominic might have, but didn’t, die. His response to that information was not that regarding the kingdom. He couldn’t deny it. If it was for the kingdom, he would have been prepared for news that could be like that… if it was, he wouldn’t have tried too hard to turn it around. He wouldn’t have tried too hard to make it seem like it could never happen.

‘It was like I didn’t want to understand, I didn’t want it to happen, I didn’t want to even believe it could happen,’ Boris thought to himself as he looked back down at the letter.

Something in his had… broken when he had read that incomplete sentence.

If he was truly ruling the kingdom to rule, he would be prepared for all aspects. He would know how to take care of things if Dominic was to die. ‘But instead, I completely disregarded the fact that he might have died because it wasn’t possible. It wasn’t possible to me, for him to die.’

Boris paused for a moment before continuing his thought. ‘Dominic will never die to me. The thought of it wasn’t even plausible. It was impossible for him to leave… me?’

Boris reflected on the thought for a moment before chuckling. “Impossible.”

But it wasn’t.

He knew it too. He knew that when he even thought of the fact that Dominic might have died, he felt personally hurt. Not for the kingdom for anyone else but for himself. He was selfish. He refused the thought of Dominic dying because of himself, he himself would be hurt if Dominic were to die.

‘Why?’ Boris thought to himself. ‘Why? Why can’t he die? Or rather… why can’t I accept the fact that he can die?’

He thought about it for a second and the answer came to him in flashes of green. Emerald green. He didn’t want to never be able to look into those green eyes again.

‘Is this… Attachment?’ Boris thought to himself as a flash ran through his golden eyes. Attachment. The first thing that came to his mind when he thought of attachment were those moments where he would feel pulled to those green eyes. The moments where everything would slow down and it would just be him and Dominic. Their eyes pinned against each other.

‘Attachment…’ Boris thought to himself as he gazed up into the dark sky. ‘What is attachment? And why to him?’

For as long as he had known, he had resented Dominic and the royals and nobles…. until he didn’t. But that wasn’t attachment. Lowing hate to dislike didn’t warrant him to be unable to accept death befalling one of them. That just gave them a dose of respect and even so, he didn’t have the same respect that he had for Kalmin as he did for Dominic.

‘If I am attached.. What am I attached to? How did I get attached?’ Boris thought to himself. ‘Did I get attached because of his words? His actions? If so what were they? All we did was argue-‘ another moment crossed in his mind. ‘And some moments in which I didn’t even understand what tension there was in the room. So why am I attached to him? Why am I attached to those green eyes… those pink lips… the long blonde eyelashes… the soft golden hair and his smile-‘ Boris froze, sitting up straight in his chair. His chest tightened.

Another moment crossed his mind. ‘Attachment… I’m attached to the prince and the castle now,’ Boris thought to himself, ‘but yet my mind spirals into such a…’ his voice trails off as he didn’t know what to say next.

He didn’t know what to call what he had felt.

But it didn’t feel like attachment.