Peace Maker - Chapter 235

‘Sexual Desire,’ Boris pondered, letting those two words twirl in his mind for a bit with a confused expression on his face. He fell back onto the bed and stared up at the ceiling again. “Since when?” he mumbled, “since when did those kinds of motives… go through my mind??”

The idea of feeling anything more than just tolerance towards someone was baffling only to Boris. Then to add the fact that it was Dominic, someone who took him in from a slave store from the street, the prince of the kingdom made it even more unbelievable. If that was not more than enough to leave him completely rattled, there was one more thing that sent him off the edge.

‘He’s a man,’ Boris thought to himself as he groaned slightly. ‘How could I have such feelings for a man? My own gender who carries the exact same body parts that I do. How could I even dare… think of something like that against someone of my gender? How could I… again?’

Having impure thoughts towards another man wasn’t something he was new to. The concept of one being ‘gay’ was also something that he was aware of, after all, he had spent most of his life on the streets. In one house in which lower class people came to live together in an environment that didn’t threaten their lives. The most diverse place in this kingdom.

He had grown in an accepting environment to those around him with similar lives in that house. From those that were thieves to those who used their bodies for money, to those that were sickly, to those that got physically abused, and finally those whose sexual orientation differed from normal. So he wasn’t sheltered from people that had felt emotions of those he was feeling at this moment and neither had he been taught to regard feelings like those with disgust. So when he had first felt them, he thought less of it.

It wasn’t the first time that those thoughts had overwhelmed him in such a way and neither was it the first time that he had engaged in an action like that with someone of the same gender. The feeling of wanting to touch someone, to have them beneath him, or to push invisible boundaries. It wasn’t new to him, it wasn’t some unnoticed territory and neither was it something that he had not acted on before.

But he had wished for it to be the last.

Boris sat up on his bed and sighed. ‘Why is this happening to me again?’ he mused, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion and frustration. ‘Why did it reappear again? Why is- I thought it was the last time. It was only supposed to be curiosity… So why..’

The first time he had had these kinds of emotions towards another male, the first time he had touched another male with impure motives, the first time he had allowed himself to be swept away in such… dirty thoughts, was with the same person that had brought him to ruins. Someone who had taken advantage of his feelings and toyed with him so slickly that even he didn’t notice.

To him, it was a silent taboo. These emotions, these thoughts, they were taboos. Never to be felt again, never to be seen again, never to be experienced again. Locked away forever at the back of his mind.

But yet they had broken, this time directing at someone new.

Boris sat silently for a few seconds before letting out a light chuckle. ‘No. No, they haven’t.’

‘I’ve lost it,’ He thought to himself as he laid back onto his bed and shut his eyes slowly.

The heaviness in his heart lifting and the heat that welled up in him, slowly withering away as he erased his emotions. It was one thing to feel sexual attraction towards someone but another when it was the prince of the kingdom, and the very being that he hated and then another thing that Boris didn’t want to venture into.

Sexual attraction doesn’t erupt from nothing.

Whatever he was feeling now, was only the tip of something he didn’t want to explore, something he didn’t want to acknowledge. It was all fake. All of these emotions, all of the yearning and kisses, all fake. That was what it had to be, that was what it ever could be. Nothing.

He wasn’t sure what had happened an hour ago, but it wasn’t sexual attraction either. It could never be. And it wouldn’t be there the next time he opened his eyes.

Nothing.

Just like before.

He slowly drifted off to sleep, his mind seemingly calming down as he slipped off to sleep. It was always quiet whenever he slept. Not another contradicting thought, or problems that pricked him with tiny needles from the corner of his mind, or people that sent off so many alarms and feelings in his mind that he couldn’t comprehend. But reality, was different.

Thoughts that had been pushed away would come back into light and feelings that had been suppressed would only resurface later on.

*

“Good morning Boris,” Dominic greeted, a bright smile crossing his face when he made eye contact with Boris who stood behind the opened doors of his office.

THUMP

Like a broken dam, it came rushing back in. Things that he had sworn away, visions that he had seen the night before, and realizations he had wished away all came rushing back into his mind. Again, he was tossed back into confusion, and again he refused them. It didn’t make sense. All of these things, the night before too. It was like something had snapped in him that night, something that Boris didn’t even know was there, to begin with.

‘When and where…’ Boris thought to himself, as he looked up to Dominic who stood behind his desk clothed in gold and blue, ‘did I start to see him like this?’ He nodded his head and locked eyes with Dominic.

“Good morning, your highness,” he replied. ‘Since when did you start to sparkle so brightly in my eyes?’

Dominic smiled in return and walked towards Boris, each step sending off alarms in Boris’ head as he neared, yet like his feet were planted into the ground, he didn’t step back. Some part of him, hidden deep in his mind, wanted Dominic to come closer.

“You look a little bit out of it this morning,” Dominic chuckled, his golden waves moving with his head as his head tipped to the side.

“It’s just a bit surprising,” Boris muttered unconsciously, the words coming out before he noticed.

“What is?” Dominic asked.

Boris hesitated, his eyes drifting away for a moment before continuing. “You,” he continued, “your presence being in this room and all. It feels unreal.” His voice trailed off for a second as his eyes made their way back to Dominic, their eyes meeting.

Dominic flinched slightly as his heart skipped a beat again. ‘This… feels weird,’ he thought to himself as he took his last step, stopping in front of Boris. ‘My heart…’ he wondered and his emerald eyes felt pinned in Boris’ golden rays. His heart skips another beat as Boris’ eyebrows wrinkle slightly, emerald gazes lowering to his thick lips as he said his next word. ‘This tension…’

“It’s as if a part of me thought that you wouldn’t be there when I open these doors,” Boris muttered, his voice low and soft as his eyebrows settled. His lips twitched slightly when he saw the perplexed but happy expression on Dominic’s face.

There were still hints of anxiety in his mind, fueled by the uncertainty in his mind whenever he looked at Dominic and he could still feel his doubts clawing at his brain, but there was something different about this very moment that he wanted to bask on. He knew that when he would leave Dominic’s side and get a moment to himself, all the doubts and urges that drown every emotion he left would fill his head again but at this moment when he looked at Dominic, it was as if everything was put on pause.

Signs of doubts subsided and dubiety was stifled simply with Dominic’s smile. They melted away to the dark corner of his mind where they would wake up sometime later. Right now, he wanted to live in this lightness and breathe without feeling tied down.

He held it back for a few seconds before his lips spread into a slight smile, his dimples deepening. “I thought I’d walk into an empty room again, it’s good to know that you did come home yesterday.”

A little chuckle left his lips softly as he indulged in his moment of happiness. It was selfish, yes, to allow himself to take in all this happiness and yet, later on, pretend none of it ever happened but he couldn’t help it. Just like the visions from the night before would eventually come back into his head after he suppressed them, he had a feeling he would end up feeling lighter in Dominic’s presence.

Dominic froze, his eyes brightening up as he stared at Boris’ smiling face. His eyes gazed at the dimples on Boris’ deep chocolate skin and his heart clenched as a smile of his own broadened. ‘How cute,’ he pondered as he stepped forward, his hand rising to Boris’ face, long, lean fingers brushing against smooth dark skin as they made their way to his dimples.

Boris tensed up as he looked down, his gaze immediately captured in Dominic’s emerald green eyes. His eyes follow golden strands as they tip to the side, following Dominic’s head movements.

“You smiled,” Dominic grinned, his fingers poking Boris’ dimples. “How cute.”

Boris flinched as his eyes lowered to Dominic’s pink lips as if on instinct, once again tempted. His heart throbbed as his eyes melted into an emerald sea again. His fist clenched as he fought off a wave of heat as he realized a mistake he made. Emotions could be erased, hidden, and taken away but actions couldn’t be taken back. The moment he had crossed the boundaries, he couldn’t cross back.