Reincarnated as an AXE! - Book 1: Chapter 18: The Honeydew Meadow Massacre (2).
“Well, here we are, Max! Welcome to Bubblebelly farm! About th’most wonderful farm in all of Honeydew Meadow!” Billy said proudly.
Oh, the farm was wonderful! It was everything a farm should be! All the buildings were painted a bright red, there were happy cows and pigs and chickens everywhere, which was actually a little confusing to me, because I thought mice were primarily vegetarians, but then I remembered seeing a documentary once about predatory mice that hunted bugs, so maybe not?
Well, whatever, the Bubblebellys grew their own meat and killed it. I could dig it! Gosh, maybe they’d use me to put a few cows down for the winter? Oh, I could hardly wait!
“Oh, you’ll bumblin’ love it here, Max! We have a tire swing, and a creek to swim’in, and the woods to explore! Oh, it’s so much bumblin’ fun!” Lucy squeaked enthusiastically.
“Oh, boy, Lucy! I sure hope I meet lots of people alone in the woods!” I told her.
Suddenly, Billy stiffened, and frowned, displeased by what he now saw.
“Now justa’ bumblin’ moment here!” Billy exclaimed. “What are those good for nothin’ Baddieburr brothers doin’ on my land?”
“The Baddieburrbrothers?” I said. “Gosh, Lucy, who’re they?”
“Scotty and Scooter!” Lucy said darkly. “Why, they’re a couple’a bumblin’ troublemakers! They’re always causin’ mischief and such! Stealin’ eggs, and cheese, and painting things the wrong colors! Oh, but even worse, they’re always after the family recipe for soder!”
“On, no! Not the family recipe!” I said.
“What’re you two up to?” said Billy. “I done already tol’ your Pa, I don’t want ya on my land! I got no business with you badgers!”
“Well, we got business with you, Billy Bubblebelly!” said the bigger one, Scooter, who was in fact a badger in thick coveralls with ripped knees.
“Yeah! We’ve got business!” said his little brother Scotty, who was dressed similarly, but wore a battered straw hat over his head.
“Then tell me what it is, then be about your bumblin’ way!” Billy said.
Scooter and Scotty rubbed their hands together and smiled in a way that I didn’t like. Oh, man, I was beginning to suspect these guys were real heels!
“My little brother saw you runnin’ through our fields, poachin’ our po-tatoes!” Scooter said triumphantly. “He caught you in the act!”
“Yep, sure did!” crowed Scotty.
Billy gasped in shock. “Why, that ain’t bumblin’ true! First of all, I ain’t no thief! And second of all, that ramshackle shack of a farm ain’t produced no produce in years, on account of your pa being a mean drunk!”
“You take that back, Bubblebelly!” snarled Scooter. “You’s always lookin’ down on us! My daddy can handle his drink!”
“No, he couldn’t! And he couldn’t handle your ma’ leavin’ him neither!” shouted Billy.
“She’s visitin’ her sisters!”
“She been visiting them for bumblin’ seven years!”
“Ohhhh, you just wait, Billy Bubblebelly! At least my mama’s alive, unlike yer wife!”
Lucy gasped and covered her face with her paws.
“Them’s fightin’ words, Baddieburr!” fumed Billy. “Put up yer paws!”
“I ain’t gotta fight you, Bubblebelly! Once the law gets here, you’ll get what’s coming!”
“What?” Billy said. “You called the law on us? I told you, I ain’t no thief!”
“Well, Scotty says otherwise! And unless you can prove he’s fibbin, you’re in real trouble!”
“Cod sarn it!” Billy said, his voice now laden with worry.
“Now, now, no need to be scared! Maybe you and us can come to an agreement, hmmm?” grinned Scooter.
Ohhh, what an untrustworthy smile!
“An agreement? What’s kinda’ bumblin’ agreement would you mean?” asked Billy with great suspicion.
“How’s about you give us the recipe for your famous Bubblebelly cookie cake cream soder?” leered Scooter.
“Yeah! Yeah! The recipe!” tittered Scotty. “Share that recipe with us an’ we can make all this go a’way!”
“By my hat, you scheemin’ Baddieburrs are always tryin’ to weasel your way inna larnin’ the secrets of our family recipe! Well, no deal! The knowledge of great-granny Annie’s cookie cake cream soder stays in my family!”
“Well, then, looks like we’ll have ta let the law know ‘bout your po-tato russlin’!” sneered Scooter.
“That’s right, ‘ol Billy! We’ll git the law’an’ya!” said Scotty.
“Someone mention the law?” said an authoritative sounding bunny rabbit in a patrolman’s uniform.
“Constable Carrot! Why, we’re so glad ya came by!” said Scooter in an oily voice. “I’m afraid we got to report us some po-tato russlin’! An’ as much as I hate to point an accusin’ claw, it’s them Bubblebelly’s what done it!”
“Oh, shucks!” said Lucy. “Max, those Baddieburrs are going to cause all sorts of trouble with their lies! Oh, if only there were’away t’prove they was bumblin’ fibbers!”
“Hold on, Lucy!” I said to her with a wink. “I think I have an idea that just might work!”
“Oh, Max! Do you really?” asked Lucy eagerly.
*“*I sure do! But to succeed, we’ll have to Psh psh psh psh psh,” I whispered into her ear.
“Really?” asked Lucy.
“Uh huh! And then after that, we’ll psh psh psh psh…”
“Oh, I love it, Max! Let’s give it a try!” Lucy said.
“So as y’can see, Constable, there ain’t no one else it could have been,” Scooter was saying to the rabbit lawman.
“Yep, that’s right! Those goodie-good Bubblebellys are nothing but po-tato-pickin’-pickpockets!” agreed Scotty.
“Just a bumblin’ moment, Constable Carrot!” squeaked Lucy. “My friend Max the Axe can prove we didn’t have nothin’ to do with no po-tato poachin’!”
“Is that right?” Asked Constable Carrot. “Are you absolutely certain about that, Max the Axe?”
“As certain as fizz goes with pop, Constable Carrot!” I told him.
“Oh, he don’t know nothin’!” scoffed Scooter Baddieburr.
“Yeah, nothin’! Nothin’!” chimed in Scotty.
“Oh, yeeeeeeah?” I asked him.
“Yeah!” Scotty said back.
“Oh, YEAAAAAH?” I asked him again.
“YEAAAAAAH!” Scotty shouted back.
“We’ll then let me ask you this question…”
“What question?” Scotty asked in a snarky tone.
I spun around and used my handle to knock Scotty’s feet out from beneath him. Before he could recover, I was in his face screaming at him.
“Do you want to fucking DIE, Scotty? Do you want to DIE you little bitch? I’m a fucking AXE, Scotty, I’ll cut your fucking nose off! I’ll cut your fucking nose off and make you swallow it! I’ll geld you, motherfucker! I’ll do it real slow too, no one can stop me, I’M A FUCKING AXE! I’M A FLYING FUCKING AXE!”
“Get it off me! Get it off me!” Scotty sobbed.
“You’re a fucking liar, Scotty, SAY IT! SAY IT! Do you want to die, Scotty? Do you want to die, Scotty? Do you want to die, Scotty? Do you want to die, Scotty? Do you want to die, Scotty? Do you want to die, Scotty? Do you want to die, Scotty? Do you want to die, Scotty? Do you want to die, Scotty? Do you want to die, Scotty? DO YOU WANT TO DIE, SCOTTY?!”
“We lied, we lied, I’m so sorry, we lied!” cried Scotty fearfully. “We lied, we lied! Don’t let him kill me, we lied!”
For some reason, no one moved or said anything else for nearly a minute. They just stood still, staring at each other and listening to Scotty cry his miserable tears. Finally, the rabbit cop gave himself a shake then said:
“Ahem! You-You lied?” said Constable Carrot sternly. “Why, you conniving Baddieburrs! It’s against the laws of the forest to make such mischief! Come here at once!”
Constable Carrot seized both brothers by the ear and led them away.
“Darn you, Bubblebellys! We’ll get that recipe yet, just’n you wait an’see!” shouted Scooter.
“Y-yeah! We-we’ll get you one day!” said Scott between wracking sobs.
Soon the three of them were gone.
“Hurray! We stopped the Baddieburrs!” Lucy said happily.
“Yay! That’ll fix them! Hee hee hee!” I said to her.
“Uh. Well…well, okay, I guess we bumblin’ owe you one, uh, Max,” said Billy carefully. “Uh, thanks to you, them Baddieburrs was foiled once more.”
“Aw, shucks, Billy! I’d do anything for you guys! It’s Max and the Bubblebellys! Forever! Right, Billy? Forever!”
“Yeah, uh, sure…” agreed Billy. Slowly. Not reluctantly, just slowly. There’s a difference! Because now we were pals!
Max the Axe and the Bubblebelly clan, yeah! ♫
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Dinner that night was a farmer’s feast of roast pork and mashed potatoes, with creamy butter sauce, bread covered with sweet jam, and plenty of fresh milk to drink. Yum!
I didn’t eat any of it. I was still in axe form, and although I’d quickly grown to love my new mouse friends, I didn’t think they’d appreciate the sight of me abruptly growing a new fleshy body. I thought that it might have been a little horrifying to witness or something. I could save that for later, after they’d grown more used to me.
“Well, Max, are you sure I can’t offer you anything?” asked Lydia. She was the Bubblebelly’s hired maid. I guess if I were a mouse, I’d find her pretty cute or something, but I’m not really into that kind of thing. Not even in the form of hardcore patreon art. More power to you if that’s what you like, though. Or, should I say, Yiff that’s what you like!
Heh. I am funny. I am a funny, funny Axe.
“Gosh, ma’am, nothing for me!” I told her. “Thank you, though.”
“No problem, sugar,” Lydia said with a smile.
“Okay, Max, let’s go explorin’!” Lucy said after wiping her mouth with a napkin.
“Oh, I think it’s a little too late for that, Lucy,” Lydia said. “Let’s get you a bath goin’ and get you ready for bed.”
“No, I wanna go play with Max,” Lucy said stubbornly.
“Now, Lucy, Miss Lydia has the right of it,” Billy cut in. “It’s too dark out there for little ones to be runnin’ around.”
“Paaaa! Why do you always take her side? She ain’t Mama! I don’t gotta listen to her!”
“Hey! None of that now, pet. Lydia takes good care of us ever since your mama passed. Show her some respect.”
“No! I don’t wanna! An’ I don’t wanna take a bath either, I WANNA PLAY WITH MAX!”
“I’m sorry, Mr. Bubblebelly, I didn’t mean to cause any trouble,” Lydia said contritely.
“Now, now, this is none of your doing. Little Lucy here is getting a little too used to being the lady of the house and has bumblin’ forgot her manners along the way. Now, Lucy! You apologize! Right now!” ordered Billy firmly.
“NOOOOO!” Lucy screamed. She grabbed me and scrambled upstairs to her room, slamming the door shut behind us.
“Oh, I hate her, Max. I hate her so much! I can see that Lydia for what she is! Oh, she just wants to bumblin’ take my mama’s place! But she ain’t my mama! She’s a hussy!” raged Lucy.
“Oh, no! A hussy?” I gasped with widening eyes.
“She is! And I wished she’d go away forever!” Lucy sobbed.
“Foreeeever?” I asked her.
“FOREVER!” Lucy shouted.
Hmmm. I wondered what I could do to help?
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“You done good bumblin’ work like usual, Lydia,” said Billy with a smile as he walked her outside. “I’m sorry little Lucy got so fired up at you. We’ll have us a long talk and see if we can’t get this sorted.”
“Oh, don’t you worry, Mr. Bubblebelly,” Lydia said with a sweet smile. “That poor thing lost her mother and her sister in that accident, and she’s just scared of losing you too! I’ll just let her know about my engagement tomorrow, and hopefully that’ll put some peace in her heart.”
“Huh?” Billy exclaimed. “Y-you’re engaged now? When did that h-happen?”
“My betrothed proposed this very morning! Oh, I suppose I’ll have to give you my notice soon. I did enjoy working here so very much, but now I suppose I’ll be raising a family of my own soon,” Lydia said with a growing smile.
“Oh, Lydia. Don’t you bumblin’ leave our lives, you silly thing! B-because we consider you family too!” Billy said with a trembling voice.
“Oh, thank you, Mr. Bubblebelly! Well, goodnight.”
“Y-yeah. Goodnight.”
The door to the farmhouse closed, leaving Lydia enveloped in darkness.
Lydia happily hummed a silly song to herself as she headed home. She entered the woods to take her usual shortcut to the house she lived in with her parents. Although that would soon change, wouldn’t it? She’d be a wife soon, and then a mother after that. Maybe she’d have a daughter! Wouldn’t Lucy love that? Would she be willing to babysit?
Bratty though the littlest Bubblebelly could be, Lydia truly thought she was a sweet child. Lydia didn’t think for a moment that she wouldn’t make a great honorary big sister! Oh, the future held so much promise for everyone in Honeydew Meadow! All the hope and love you could ever ask for…
“Hussy!” whispered a hate-filled voice.
“Huh! What? Is someone there?” Lydia asked, after jumping in fright.
“You’re a hussy. You’re a bad girl.” Hissed the voice angrily.
“Show yourself! Stop saying such horrid things!” Lydia said.
A shadow stepped out from behind a tree.
“You?” Lydia said in surprise. “But what are you doing here—put that away! No…no! NO! Get away from me!”
The shadow came closer and closer. Light glimmered off of the edge of a sharp, sharp blade.
“You’re dirty, Lydia. And dirty things go in THE DIRT!”
Lydia turned to run, but in her panic, she tripped over the root of a nearby tree and fell. She then turned over just in time to squeal in pain as she was slashed deeply across her torso.
“Stop! Please! NOOOOO!”
“Dirty things go in the dirt!”
“Ahhhh!”
“The DIRT!”
Lydia gargled blood as the weapon came down again and again.
“THE DIRT!”
