Reincarnated as an AXE! - Book 1: Chapter 31: To the Lair of the FOG GOBLINS!

Man, lingering head pain is just the worst! I’d honestly forgotten how bad a headache could feel.

Three days had passed since I’d brought Libby out of her shell and into the glorious possibilities of a brand-new world! No more would she suffer in silence in her luxurious high-rise apartment, sleeping comfortably when she felt like it, eating and drinking whatever she wanted, and playing exciting games on her ultra-spec computer all day.

Now, she was out here, experiencing LIFE!

Libby hadn’t thanked me yet, but I knew it was coming! She’d actually been pretty quiet ever since accidentally dropping that rock on the back of my skull and then turning off my healing powers and forcing me to endure the pain. Which was also an accident, I was sure.

We were partners!

I hope she didn’t feel embarrassed. She had a lot to take in. I was sure she’d be back to her usual self as soon as she adjusted to the reality of reality. In the meanwhile, we continued down the path at a casual pace. We hadn’t run into anyone for quite some time, not even stragglers from the Pal-dian caravan.

I was a little disappointed that Clarity and her sister hadn’t returned and made a move against me. Clarity been a fun opponent! Sure, the sobbing and begging for her life had quickly grown tedious, but the buildup to it had been top notch excitement! I really did need to fight more vampires.

It made me a little wistful to think of all the possible experience points I’d missed out on. I had a feeling that Clarity would have provided a nice chunk of them. Plus, she had several abilities that I really wouldn’t have minded taking for myself. Her power of teleportation for instance. Or her telekinesis! Oh, man, it would have been tough having to choose!

As I ruminated over the possibilities, a sudden cry for help broke my concentration. I looked in the direction the shout had come from, then turned to Libby for instructions.

I also took a moment to admire my tailoring. For her, I’d made a practical traveling outfit similar to my own, but she’d insisted on a large black hooded coat instead of a cloak like mine. As it turned out, Libby hated cloaks and capes. She thought they were impractical.

Go figure?

“Please! Please, in the name of the gods, someone saaave me!” screeched a warbling male voice.

“Okay, we should definitely do something, right?” I asked her.

“Jesus, Max, yes!” Libby said in exasperation. “If you hear someone screaming for help, you should help them! It’s not something you need to think about.”

“Hey, I’m just checking!” I said to her in reply. “Just making sure I’m doing this right.”

I cast [Duplication] x 2 and summoned two axes into existence. I then used [Earth Mastery] to charge each one with a magnetic field. I stepped onto mine pretty easily, but Libby looked extremely uncomfortable and uncertain, so I used [Rooting] to tie her into place on hers with a couple of large vines, after blunting her axe’s blade so she wouldn’t accidentally cut herself.

Then we took off into the air!

“OhmygodmaxIhatethisIfuckinghaaaaaaatethis!” she squealed as we soared through the sky.

“No, you dooooon’t!” I said with a chuckle. “This is awesome! Name one person who wouldn’t love to go sky surfing on a magical axe?”

“MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” she screamed.

Heh, what a kidder!

In no time flat, we came across the sight of an old man who’d somehow managed to climb up a tree and was now desperately kicking away at the head of a younger, rough looking guy who’d followed him up and was trying to pull him down. There were seven other people with him, all armed, all laughing their heads off at the old man’s fear.

“Bandits,” Libby said with a frown. “Clearly the kind who kill their victims. Max, why don’t you go down there and say hello?”

“Can I kill them?” I asked hopefully.

“It really bothers me that that’s the first thought that comes to your mind in a situation like this,” she said.

“I’m as basic as one plus one. Besides, these guys are committing elder abuse! That’s not right!”

“Fiiiine. But if they attempt to surrender, let them.” Libby said.

“Hooray!” I said happily.

I then positioned my axe carefully above the tallest one in the bandit group. Then I took a big step forward and let myself drop down.

__

“Tyker! What the hell’s taking so long, just kill the old bastard already!” Larson called out.

He and the boys had been cracking their gums for nearly fifteen minutes watching the sad old fool begging for help that would never come. They’d laughed even harder when Larson had sent Tyker up there to kill him and was instead getting increasingly battered about his head by their intended victim’s desperate kicks.

But, amusing as it had been, they had other business to conclude this night.

There was a cage back at base, now filled with terrified captive beauties, and if Larson wanted to have some fun with a fresh one that best suited his tastes, they had to hurry back to their hideout before the boss got the party started. Otherwise, it would be second or third picks, and by then, those women wouldn’t be attractive prospects anymore.

Just goblin fodder.

To Larson’s annoyance, however, Tyker got another kick in the face, and this one was delivered with sufficient force to knock the bandit off the tree and onto his ass. Larson flinched when he heard a brittle popping sound, and saw Tyker rolling around screaming in pain, clutching his rear. It looked like that fall had broken the poor bastard’s tailbone.

“Alright, enough of this shit!” Larson yelled. “Tall Paul, would you please do the honors?”

Tall Paul, whose name was Paul and who was indeed tall, grinned murderously and began walking towards the tree.

Larson smirked to himself, knowing he was about to see a show! Tall Paul had to be the vengeance of some evil god against the whole of humanity. He was more than seven feet tall and brimming with malice and violence. Larson wouldn’t have been surprised if he had a drop or two of giant’s blood in his veins. Tall Paul was a killer, a thief, a wanton violator of the basic tenants of decency civilization was based upon.

He was also absolutely; the most terrifying and wrathful creature Larson had ever come across in his life. Paul didn’t just kill for pleasure. He killed out of a desperate, unspoken urge to destroy. Larson let him indulge that urge, and slowly fashioned him into his ultimate weapon. One day, with Paul’s strength backing him up, Larson would take over the entire gang!

It was inevitable. Larson’s ascent was practically preordained! Tall Paul…

…made a funny sound when the stranger landed on him from above and made his body go splat!

Larson and the gang stared blankly at the stranger that was standing in the ruined bits of gore and meat that had been their comrade. For his part, the stranger seemed not to notice, except to carefully wipe his boots on the grass.

“Hullooooo!” he called out cheerfully with a friendly wave of his hand.

__

“Whoreson! You shit encrusted filth! That’s our mate you’re standing on!” screamed an angry man who I assumed was the leader of this group. “Have you nothing t’say for yourself?!”

“Uh, he made for a soft landing?” I replied.

Oh, they didn’t like that. They didn’t like that at all!

“KILL THIS BASTARD!” their leader screamed.

Jeez, why even ask me the question if you’re going to freak out?

Seriously, is name calling ever called for? They made an inquirey and I gave a proper response! I didn’t even go with my first instinct, which was to break out my Super Mario impression and say “It’s’a ME!” when I squashed that ape like a goombah.

That was a wonderful display of self-restraint!

Honestly, no one appreciates me.

Let’s see. Six of them remaining. Each one a respectable level fourteen. Each armed with daggers and swords…oh, the boss had a stealth skill! Okay, definitely killing that guy. Ehhh, none of them possessed any weapon mastery skills, so they’d be pretty boring to fight personally.

Oh, cool! One of them had a pouch filled with silver coins!

But wait! I couldn’t just jump straight into the slaughter! Libby was circling above me, possibly taking notes. I had to show her how seriously I was taking our new arrangement.

“Hey, hold on, just hold on, one moment!” I called out to them.

“Ahem! Gentleman, please allow me to offer you this chance to surrender! (Please don’t! Please don’t!). Throw down your weapons, and I’ll spare your lives. You don’t have to if you don’t want to, but I’m just letting you know that survival is an option for you, ‘kay?”

“Fuck yourself, shit-mouth!” bellowed one of them.

Hurray! That was a no!

Using [Earth Mastery] I cast a targeted magnetic field on that pouch of silver. I had to really increase the power of the field in order to magnetize it, though. I guess Silver is only lightly magnetic and unaffected by weak fields. Luckily, I could pump as much power into it as I wished, so my plan wasn’t deterred.

The pouch came flying just short of my hand, ripped free of its owner’s belt. Then I made a flicking motion. The coins came tearing out of their container and shot into the bandits’ bodies at high speed, passing easily through them and exploding out of their torsos, leaving terrible exit wounds that quickly bled them out if they hadn’t been killed outright.

All six them, dead from one shot each.

Bang! Bang!

“Max!” Libby called out from above.

“What?” I asked her.

“Congratulations! You have acquired 14,000 experience points! You are now level seventeen!”

“Lib, why are you yelling this at me?” I asked her.

“I don’t know! I just feel compelled to! Shut up and listen! You have now acquired the skill: [Stealth]. You have now acquired the skill: [Silent Step]. Congratulations!”

“Thanks! I appreciate it!”

“You’re welcome! Now get me DOWN from here!”

__

“Haahahahahah!” I howled in uncontrollable laughter.

“Max, now isn’t the time for this!” Libby said to me urgently. “Stay focused.”

“I know, I know, I know, I’m sorry. But, Libby, these things are called Fog Goblins. Can you imagine that? Waking up every morning and knowing before you even get out of bed that there’s no point to existing because you’re a member of a species called Fog Goblins.”

After helping the old guy down from the tree and giving him a little time to calm himself, he began telling us why the bandits had been after him. It sounded expository and dull, so I quickly lost interest but tried not to show it on my face.

Just when I feared the old guy would never stop speaking, he said the name of a species of intelligent humanoid monsters that were apparently a big part of this problem. According to him, they were called…

They were called…

Called…

Called…(Hahahahaha!)

They were called…Fog Goblins!

“I’ll admit it’s a silly sounding name, Max, but—” Libby tried to say.

“Doesn’t their name sound like a dirty euphemism for something?” I asked her. “Their babysitters were probably like: Hey, knock it off, I see what you’re doing you nasty little fog goblin! Go wash your hands or I’m telling your mom!”

“Max—”

“I bet their hair sticks up straight—”

“Max, seriously—”

“I bet I know what the key ingredient to Fog Goblin cheese is!”

“Okay, Max, stop it right now, you’re being gross! Remember when you agreed to listen to my instructions? Well, this is one of them! No more Fog Goblin jokes! And no more giggling whenever you hear the word Fog Goblin. Okay?”

“Aww, that one’s going to be hard!” I complained.

“Max!”

“All right, all right, fine, fine,” I agreed unhappily.

“Okay, then,” Libby said before turning back to the old man. “Now, sir: If Fog Goblins–”

(hehehehehehehehe!)

“Max!”

“I didn’t do anything!”

“Then why are you covering your face? Why are you covering your face, Max?”

I refused to speak and turned my back towards her so she couldn’t see me.

“Good. Stay exactly like that,” she commanded. “And remain quiet!”

Oh, man. Walking the path of redemption sure was haaaard. I bet Anakin Skywalker himself would have broken under a taskmaster like Libby. She wasn’t going to let me get away with anything!

Heh. Fog Goblins.

No! Stop it, Max! Stop laughing! I needed to show Libby how serious I was about this! Repeat after me: Fog Goblins aren’t funny! (lies!) Fog Goblins aren’t funny! (lies!) Fog Goblins aren’t funny! (Lies!)

Damn you, Fog Goblins! (Hehehe!) I won’t let you impede my progress! I’m going to conquer this gradual journey to morality! I’m going to become a Hero! Watch and see if I don’t!

“Max?” Libby said as she snapped her finger around my head a few times.

“Huh? Oh, sorry. I was being introspective. Thinking deep thoughts. Pondering the nature of heroism—”

“Fog Goblins,” said Libby.

“HAHAHAHAHA!” I snorted out before I could stop myself.

“Fucking knew it,” Libby said vehemently.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry! It’s just…aahhhh, what a funny word. What a funny, funny word.”

“Emphasizing it won’t make your behavior any less annoying, Max.”

“I’ll get ahold of myself, I swear! Just…just let me bask in this for a moment.”

“No time!” Libby proclaimed. “Listen, Max: I’ve gotten all the necessary details from this poor man. His granddaughter and a dozen other girls from his village are being trafficked to the Fog Goblins-STOP! Laugh just once more, and I swear I’ll brain you again. ”

I stopped laughing.

Libby continued.

“Ahem. The victims are being delivered via a gang of human bandits who kidnap and sell the girls to the goblins for their…usage. In order to safely infiltrate their den, we’re going to defeat those bandits and steal the totem of safe passage the goblins gave them to allow entrance to their lair.”

“Why don’t we just skip the middlemen and smash the den open?” I asked her.

“The priority is rescuing the kidnapped women, Max. There’s an excellent chance they haven’t been delivered to the goblins yet. If that’s the case, we’ll defeat the bandits and free them first. After that, then we’ll take on the Fog Gob—Max, for GOD’S SAKE, control yourself!”

“HAHAHAHA! It’s such a stupid name! HAHAHAHA!” I said as I rolled on the ground laughing.

“Max, you understand what they’re going to do to those women, right? There’s nothing funny about these creatures.”

“Huh? Wait, you don’t mean—”

“I do. Fog Goblins are vicious, predacious, beasts. And they’ll show absolutely no restraint with their captives. They’ll use them to—”

“Stop! Okay, you can stop,” I said. “Shit. I was hoping these things would be more comedic, Like World of Warcraft goblins. But you’re telling me they’ll be more like Goblin Slayer goblins, and those things aren’t any fun at all.”

“And what precisely is a Goblin Slayer goblin?” Libby inquired.

“Ugh. Nasty bastards. The principal villains of a show I used to watch back on my old world. It was really good, but if you’re going to pull up the first episode from my memories of it, I strongly recommend you skip forward from 9:10-to-9:32 and just tell yourself the female monk got beaten up.”

“She didn’t just get beaten up though, did she?”

“No, Libby, she did not.”

Libby shivered. “Ugh. Creatures like that just sort of bring the whole vibe down, don’t they?”

“I don’t find them very amusing,” I said solemnly.

“Well then, good thing we get to go kill a bunch of them today, right?”

I think that was the happiest I’d heard her sound all week.