Reincarnated as an AXE! - Book 1: Chapter 7: Great Axe-pectations!
Well, wasn’t she a firecracker?
Hello everyone! It’s me, everybody’s favorite friend reborn as an axe in a brand-new world!
What’s up? What’s good? What’s shaking? How’s tricks? Hmm?
What do you mean by ‘what’s with the new girl?’ Hey, don’t ask me! I’m just an axe making his way through this crazy thing called life, the same as everyone else! Although, if I had to make an educated guess, I’d say it was around time the story began expanding its cast of characters.
Aww, did that mean I wasn’t a big enough character for everyone? Nuts!
I guess I’ll just have work even harder to bring enjoyment to the audience. Or should I say…satis-Axe-tion!
I’m really having way too much fun, aren’t I? But that’s just the way this axe likes to chop! Seriously though, I didn’t mind sharing the spotlight with a few co-stars. Just so long as everyone remembers that I’m the main character!
(Trust me, you wouldn’t want an axe to feel like he’s being crowded.)
Hey, I bet you guys are wondering about the dogs, right? Or Dire-Fangs or whatever they’re called? That’s a funny story! You already know the beginning of it, too…
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Two weeks earlier.
You see, a short while ago, after I’d accidentally built myself this sweet new meat puppet to ride around in, I was ambushed by a pack of wolves! They came upon me and mistook me for an easy meal, the cheeky little things!
Sadly, that turned out to be a poor decision on their part. When their alpha made a play for me, the judges had to give her a split decision! She became one of the halves instead of the have nots. Now she was half the beast she used to be!
What I’m getting at is that I sliced her into two equal portions and killed her instantly.
I thought this tale would then conclude with me wiping out the rest of her pack, but instead of putting up a fight, they instead rolled onto their backs in submission. Just like that, I was their wolf-papa! Me, a humble axe who never gave much thought to the future, now had a family to take care of! These poor little pups were depending on me!
It felt really irritating, and I was sorely tempted to just kill them all and being done with it! Axes prefer being bachelors, and I’m an axe among axes! Why would I ever want to bog down my carefree lifestyle with a bunch of unruly mongrels?
So, just as I was about to make the heart-breaking decision to begin chopping away so I could keep my awesome personal schedule cleared, my good friend the appraisal screen suddenly informed me that I had just earned the title “Pack Master.”
And guess what? It came with a free skill! [Dominate Minions].
I know what you all must be thinking: “You can unlock new skills without killing anyone? Jeez, how boring!”
I understand your feelings. Brutally decisive violence is obviously the best solution to all of life’s problems! Still, regardless of how I’d acquired it, this new ability was the cat’s pajamas! Remember how the duplicates I learned to create were completely uncontrollable?
Not anymore!
To experiment, I created three new duplicates of myself. They’d been changed, just like me, and were now sheathed inside meat puppets of their own. Just as before, however, they were single-mindedly focused on killing and utterly stupid to boot.
“Die-die-die-die-die! Die!” they all screamed at each other.
Oh, glory, what a story!
“Quiet down!” I ordered them. They instantly obeyed. Neat!
“Stand on one foot.” They all stood on one foot. Neater!
“Reveal your true forms.” They each made a motion with their hands and from their palms emerged three massive two-handed axes, which they held while patiently awaiting further orders from me. Super-neat!
“Outstanding!” I proudly told them. This was great! I wish everyone could experience the sublime joy of completely overwriting the free will of another living being. It was so cool!
Of course, just because they would now do whatever I wanted whenever I liked, didn’t mean I wanted these guys hanging around all day, waiting for me to boss them around. Didn’t that sound just like work?
So, my last order to that shortly lived trio was to use [Solar Absorption] until they overloaded on power and exploded, thus sparing me the unwanted burden of their lives. It didn’t take long.
See you guys around! Thanks for the demonstration!
Oh, wait, I was still stuck with these wolves. Nuts. I wondered if I could teach them [Solar Absorption] too…?
Oh, to heck with it! I couldn’t hurt these mutts! Just look at them: wagging their tails every which way, with their big eyes so full of hope! They sure were pathetic. To suck up to me like this, even though I’d killed their alpha? How shameless could they possibly be?
That made me respect them a little. After all, feeling shame was for suckers!
Still, these Dire-Fangs were weak for this area. Taking a close look at them, I saw that they were underweight for their size and only level five. That made sense. Up until now they’d been competing for resources with a huge, merciless troll. He must have made it darn near impossible for them to get any decent meals.
Wow, what a bully! Someone should do something about that guy!
That was your que to sing my praises!
Sidenote: You know, ever since I’d become an axe, it had gradually become more difficult for me to keep track of things. The passage of time, my memories, stuff like that. It was like portions of my mind were slowly withering away. Could something possibly be…wrong with me?
No.Everything is fine.You’re perfectly fine.
You sure?
Very.You’re merely in a transitory state as your frail mortal mind gradually attempts to adjust to the realms of the divine. Of course, the process is very delicate, and theslightestmisstep in your ascension could send your mind spiraling into destruction!
Uh, oh! That didn’t sound good!
Well, four out of every five ascendantsdofall to madness and death long before completing their goal of attaining true godhood.Andthoseare the chosen few that the gods actually like!Who can say what will happen to an unwanted little accident like you?
Gosh, you’re right! I’m going to have to start doing some daily mental exercises to keep my mind right and tight! After all, who knows what trouble I could get into if I went crazy?
Right.If.
Thanks again, appraisal screen! You’re a good friend and I’m glad you always have my back!
I’m not a real person!You’re speaking to yourself—
A good, good friend!
I turned to the Dire-fangs and gave them a thumbs’ up. “Good news pups! Starting today, you’re all on team axe! Congratulations on making the squad!”
The wolves began howling happily at me, thrilled to finally be on the winning side. Wasn’t that sweet?
“Now, I’m a harsh axe, but I’m a fair axe! I won’t ask you to kill anything that I wouldn’t kill myself. Except slimes, because slimes are awful! But that’s neither here nor there.”
“Under my supervision, you’ll all become lean, mean, and dangerous to know! Girls will chant your names, but parents will consider you a sign of society’s decline! You’ll be the bad boys of forest predation! The wrecking crew of running wild!”
“From now on, you’ll be known as…THE AXE PACK!”
The Axe Pack howled happily, thrilled with their brilliantly chosen new name! The good times didn’t end there, either! I began pointing to each member and gave them individual names as well!
“Okay, you’re Joey, you’re Jordan, you’re Jonathan, You’re Danny, You’re Donnie and…wow, look at that sullen, angry expression! You’re definitely Marky! Okay guys, bring it in! On the count of three: one-two-three: AXE PACK!”
Well, they didn’t shout ‘Axe Pack’ like I wanted them to. They just howled. It’s fine, it’s fine. We all start somewhere.
“Now gang, it’s going to be hard training from this point onwards. You’re all used to operating on basic animal instincts: You only kill to feed and to defend yourselves. Well, I’m here to tell you that that is not going to cut the mustard! Following the rules of nature won’t get you anywhere in life!”
“Tell me, what’s nature ever done for you? Oh, it created you? Big flopping deal! What’s it done for you lately?”
“Nope, in order to gain enough strength to protect yourselves and live with axe-like dignity, you’re going to have to learn how to kill for fun! Not because you’re hungry, or protecting your territory, but because you’re being compelled by an unspeakable urge to destroy! An urge that can’t be expressed in words and simply must be acted on!”
“To get where we’re going, we’ll have to work hard and perfect the axe-cution of our techniques! We’re going to chop away all weakness and build your strength! You’re going to be forged in battle! That’s right, Axe Pack, you’re going level grinding!”
“And trust me, as an axe, I know all about grinding!”
I couldn’t help but notice that no one was taking any notes, but I decided to let it slide.
For now.
“Of course, at this moment you’re all underweight and starving, so first we’re going to have to get you fed. A diet heavy on protein will give you lots of energy throughout the day according to some very opinionated and angry YouTube commentators I came across once, so let’s start there!”
I activated [Duplication] and created another strapping dupe.
“Hey, there,” he said in a friendly tone of voice. “How can I possibly be of help?”
“Feed the wolves,” I told him.
“No problem, boss! What are they eating today?”
I cut his legs out from under him, separating them just beneath the knee. While he screamed in pained surprise, I got his arms too, then I mentally deactivated his healing abilities.
“NO! Oh, it hurts! Oh, it hurts! Why? Why, God, why?” he wept. It kind of reminded me of someone I once knew. Couldn’t put a name to the memory, though.
Anyway, I next whistled to the Axe Pack and pointed at my wailing duplicate. They stared at me with perked ears.
“Well, gosh guys, it’s not going to get any fresher!”
My boys were pretty fast learners.
Axe Pack!
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The next two weeks went by in a blur. The Axe Pack soon went from being a gangly group of whining wimps to a coordinated pack of merciless marauders! And I was there to watch it happen! Oh, goodness, that little flickering spark of annoyance that once made me want to dispose of them had been replaced by a roaring bonfire of affection!
To paraphrase the urban poetry of the Reverend M.C. Hammer, the Axe Pack was too legit! Too legit to quit!
The main task was to strip away any pesky sense of restraint that was holding them back. We started every day with them killing two of my duplicates. One for a meal, and one just for fun!
Next, I split them into three pairs of partners and had them spar each other for hours to help them refine their combat skills and develop a killer instinct!
(They were going to need a new alpha for when I eventually moved on, and the best way to decide was to have them fight it out to be the new top dog!)
(I had my money on Donny, but I wouldn’t sleep on Jonathan. He was sneaky.)
“No mercy, Jon! Sweep the leg!” I commanded him as he fought Jordan.
He mewled piteously but eventually did as he was instructed. And you know what? He won! He whined about it for some time in front of his brothers to keep up appearances, but between the two of us, he gave me a sly wink and a smirk.
Axe Pack!
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My dupe was doing a great job of trying to escape. I’d sealed his powers and ordered him to run away and survive for as long as he could. My boys loved it. Dogs sure like chasing things!
My dupe was pretty wily and lasted most of the day. He made false trails, and tried to disguise his scent, and even once fended them off using a tree branch as a club. When he tried it again, though, they got his arm!
Crunch!
But where he really messed was when he desperately tried to climb a tree for sanctuary. You can’t do that with only one hand, silly! Marky and Donnie were on him in an instant. Their leaps had great hangtime! Too bad wolves can’t dribble basketballs, right?
“Stop, please, I only wanted to serve you!” he managed to shout before Jordan clamped down on his throat and bit in.
Ouch!
Axe Pack!
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The full moon was upon us. Gazing at the haunting brilliance of its lunar majesty put a compulsion on me. I felt a sudden urge to lead my boys on a hunt! But the constraints of my meat-puppet form felt far too limiting for the mood I was in. No, I was an axe, and today this axe wanted to run wild! I tore free of my body and stood revealed to the night in my true form: A big axe. An axe that ran with wolves.
Under that dusky, brilliant night, the Axe Pack and I raced throughout the forest, reveling in our power and primacy. Nothing we came across could stop us! Oh, how we chopped and feasted! Well, I chopped, they feasted. But they helped too! Before our stampeding paws and handle, we were an unstoppable feral force on the forest floor that none of the lowly monsters we preyed upon could match, try as they might!
My goodness, was this how the axes that came before me lived? Had my axe ancestors also known the joy of being in a pack? Had they known the primal pleasures of lunar lunacy? They must have! Watch over us, oh great axes of yore! See how we honor you!
The pack howled and I joined with them. I was an axe! I was a very good axe!
Congratulations! You have earned the title:Lunar-tic.You have gained the trait: [Moonlight Madness].Exposure to moonlight will now grant bonuses to your physical attacks!
Axe Pack!
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I could imagine the concert venue now! It would be filled to the brim with eager young women shedding tears of joy and losing their minds at the sight of my wolves as they took to the stage, dressed in matching white outfits, microphones in hand, err paws, and singing their smash hit single “Grind me like an axe” to their legions of frenzied female fans!
We’re the Axe-Pack! Bad boys of the woods!
All the ladies want us cuz we got the goods!
Too hot to handle, too cool to care!
But if you ever need us,
Girl, we’ll bethere!
(Yeah!)
And if your man has a problem with me,
Then tell him he should just set you free!
A girl like you is precious, yo!
And I ain’t afraid to tell him so!
And girl you know I would die for yoooou–
And there I was, standing off the side of the stage, an axe wearing a ten-gallon cowboy hat and smoking a fine cigar; watching them sing and mentally calculating all the money their lopsided record industry contracts would soon bring me!
Darn it, Marky! You’re blowing the choreography! Oh, he’d better not be drinking again…
Axe Pack!
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Yes, time passed by so quickly. The Axe Pack had all leveled up to a very robust level 13. And they weren’t the only ones! Turns out I’d been getting a nice chunk of leached experience from their kills! It was one of the bonuses of being their pack leader. I was now level 16! I hadn’t gained any new skills from their kills, though. That apparently only happened when I dealt the deathblow myself. It didn’t bother me. There wasn’t much I wanted from this forest now.
I’d gotten too strong. The monsters were now too weak to offer me any challenges. This was confirmed when a migrating Rhyming Spider came upon us one night, thinking we’d make a tasty meal.
“By the dark, how can this be?
The one now on the menu’s
Me…”
I didn’t get a lick of experience from it. How lame was that?
Also, for some reason, monsters that were well-beneath our levels still came stomping in at the pack and I, spoiling for a fight. Their natural response to seeing us should have been to flee for their lives! Was everything in these woods just that brave?
I wondered about their strange actions for some time, until I finally gave myself an appraisal. The results were startling.
Name: Morrison Cobb
Race: Human
Level: 3
Alignment: Neutral Good.
Attack: 20
Mana: 0/0
Skills: Wood-cutting.
Threat Assessment: Nonexistent.
Oh, Pete, clear the street!
That assessment made absolutely no sense! I was an axe! I was an amazing axe! And I had, pardon my language, a heckload of great skills! What was my appraisal screen playing at?
Please exit your “meat puppet” and try again, was the response I received. I did as it suggested and this time it said:
Name: ???
Race: Divine Weapon
Alignment: Unaligned
Level: 16
Attack: 570(v)
Mana: 0/0
Divinity:100/100
Skills: [Moonlight Madness], [Solar Absorption], [Dominate Minions], [Rooting], [Troll-Regeneration], [Duplication], [Terrifying Roar],[Razor Web], [Aura], [Divinity], [Divine Restoration], [Divine Eye], [Divine Perception], [Compound Vision], [Woodcutting].
Threat Assessment: Mortal Hazard.
Well, that was more like it! But what was with that earlier reading?
It would seem that by wearing your “meat puppet,” you’re now able to thwart any attempted appraisal directed at you by substituting your stats with that of Morrison Cobb.
Who?
Once revealed in your true form, you may be correctly appraised.
Ohhh, that made sense. Hey, this could be used tactically and stuff!
Indeed! The ability to disguise your level will make it easier to travel without alerting potential targets or drawing unwanted attention from stronger divine beings.
Awesome! But what about the Dire-Fangs? Why do I sometimes only read them as level three as well?
Well, youhavebeen feeding them dozens of your duplicates.It would appear that your “meat puppet” and those of your duplicates, each contain a mutagenic affect that can be inherited through ingestion!
Ohhhhh! So that means–
BecauseMorrison Cobb was level three when you began using him, those that feast on the flesh of your children will nowalwaysappear to be level three as well!
Wow! Good for them! That’ll come in handy for their future. Oh, but please don’t refer to my duplicates as my children. That sounds awful!
What you’ve done to themisawful!
Yeeeeeeeah, but maybe not? Isn’t that just a matter of perspective?
Oh, dear! You just may be completely irredeemable trash!
Well, that’s a silly way to feel! Listen, life is hard for everyone, not just the duplicates! Do you think I’ve never felt sadness before?
I don’t. At all.
Jeepers, you’re just in a mood today–
And then from out of nowhere, a girl came running through the woods and crashed into me!
Gosh, she was pretty.
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“…By the way, what kind of a woodcutter travels this far into a forest and forgets his axe? Maybe you should seek a different profession? Just a thought.”
Having said that, the stranger pushed past me and continued on her way.
I could only scratch my head in confusion at this encounter and say: “Huh?”
Had I really said she was pretty? I think I meant pretty mean!
I guess she possessed an appraisal ability like mine. Her cockiness when she thought she had the advantage over the Axe Pack had been amusing. She didn’t even realize they were the same level as her!
Heh, she was lucky she hadn’t started anything. The pack not only specialized in teamwork, for some reason they were really mean to anything that wasn’t me!
I would have enjoyed watching her try to collect those pelts.
Gosh though, that attitude of hers! What a way to treat people! I wondered if the people of this world were super conscientious of levels. Was how high you could grow what determined how much respect you were shown? Were levels what divided the commoners from the elites?
That assessment is correct.Leveling is a privilege enjoyed by an elite minority of mortals.Most people in this world are born with their level already determined.The chosen few can transcend those limits and continue to grow in strength.
You should know however, that the people of this world don’t refer to it as “leveling.” They call it: Ranking. And skill traits are referred to as “Imbuements.” They also have no concept of experience points.
Why’s that?
Silly, don’t you remember?You’rethe only one who thinks of this world as a videogame! All the suffering and pain of the natural inhabitants of this reality are naught but entertainment for your malformed mind. It really is aterribleway to view life!
Heh, I am a scamp, aren’t I? Hey, since that girl was born in this world and has only reached level thirteen, then she must not be trying very hard to get ahead, huh?
Oh, axe!That young woman is considered quite powerful for her age.While her level is lower than yours, her combat experience and mastery of wind magic would still make her a dangerous opponent.
You should also remember that baseline mortals have more stringent ranking requirements than divinely imbued beings such yourself.
But what about the Axe Pack? They were leveling up like it was nothing!
Because you were feeding them yourprogeny,oh divine weapon!Goodness, axe, try to keep up!
Well, it’s all so hard to keep track of, darn it-
Wait! Hold on! Just a moment there!
Yes?
…Did you say she knew magic?
Yes?
Does that mean she has the skill trait I need? [Magic]?
Why, yes!Yes, she does.
Oh, that was so convenient!
I really wanted to learn maaaaaaagic.
