Savage Divinity - Chapter 831

The warm, red glow of courage and determination as I resolve to give this everything I have, in spite of the sickly, greenish yellow of bitter, vitriolic antipathy I sometimes feel for this world, one which I have come to love in spite of all its flaws.

A fluttering light pink tinged with a hint of red of love and passion for my beloved wives fighting on the wall, followed by the darker pink of the general love and affection I hold for my family, friends, and floofs.

Nauseating orange anxiety as the reality of the situation rears its ugly head, no longer willing to be kept contained within the back of my mind as I deal with the more immediate problems before me.

Then a radiating crimson darkness, the raw, burning anger and hatred I bear for my foes. Not just the Defiled Half-Demons, who continue to throw themselves at the Walls of Shi Bei with reckless abandon, but also the Eternal Emperor and the Supreme Families who allowed matters to escalate so far, endeavoured to engineer all this death and suffering in order to benefit themselves or prevent others from benefiting in their stead.

Followed by a cold, navy blue surge of disdain and frustration as I struggle to rein in my hatred of the Defiled at the very least. At the end of the day, I cannot help but sympathize with them because I know most are not in their right minds, and many are victims of circumstance and indoctrination themselves. The Defiled are not the Enemy, merely a sickness infecting the body, minds, and souls of humanity, so I should not hate them any more than I would hate a rabid dog.

Pale, coral pity floods through me to wash away my hatred and disdain, but the frustration remains firmly in place as I gaze upon the faces of the Defiled before me and wonder if any of them are my brothers by blood. Baledagh was the only one who cared to help me, but I had other brothers too, similarly neglected by our parents and raised to become the monsters I see before me.

A thought which gives rise to the hideous greenish-purple gradient of guilt and self-loathing, because only luck and happenstance has led me to stand where I do today, and if things had gone slightly differently, I might well have been fighting for the other side. Why do I deserve to be so blessed by fate, when so many others were dealt a complete shit hand?

Which brings me back to the warm red glow of courage and determination as I remember what’s at stake here today, and eventually comes around to an even deeper pit of guilt and self-loathing, one that goes down into the dark depths of bitter, black despair. A vicious cycle I’ve been through many a time before, a one-man echo chamber of emotion from which I extricate myself before things spiral out of control. Not without effort, because even though I’ve realized this reckless Balance not entirely right for me, I still find it difficult to struggle my way out from the comfortable surrender I’ve embraced, one so very different from the Balance I’ve become familiar with since setting foot on the Martial Path. The power of this new Balance is unlike anything I’ve ever felt before, for the Energy of the Heavens is more eager and insistent than ever to comply with my Will, one I have yet to provide because I must first forge my own Path.

Surrender to emotion whilst struggling to maintain a complete lack of Will, this is the Balance I reach for today, and the Heavens are not pleased. They love the Balance I’ve attained, but with no Will to fulfil, the Energy of the Heavens in unable to share in my emotions, save for what little they can sense emanating throughout me, like the delectable aroma of a sumptuous feast which they can neither see nor taste. If given a chance to share in my emotions, the Heavens would find it a far sweeter nectar than the unwanted, discarded sentiments I cast away in JiangHu, for they only got to experience those emotions second-hand, while here they have a chance to taste them straight from the source itself.

A chance I have thoroughly denied the Heavens, because I am not yet ready to Ascend.

Despite having resolved to take the next step, to push forward no matter the cost, I cannot quite bring myself to wholly accept the Path laid out before me just yet, namely the Martial Path I have pursued for over a decade now. The Energy of the Heavens surges and swells, promising power and knowledge unrestricted should I choose to embrace it, yet I have seen where the Martial Path will lead and I care not for it. False Divinity, a harsh term, yet an apt one, for even if I should Ascend here and now, I would still not have the power necessary to overthrow the Eternal Emperor, who is no True Divinity yet. This is the impasse which holds me back, an impassable and insurmountable barrier I unconsciously placed between myself and the Heavens when I first Shattered the Void, and a bottleneck I must first break down before I can take this next step in confidence. Fear is what led me to raise this barrier, paired with no small amount of arrogance and disdain, because despite the staggering amount of power False Divinity can deliver, I know I can do better.

Why do the Heavens crave emotions so much? The romantic in me wonders if it’s because much like the Spectres, the Heavens also yearn to experience life once more, while my inner scientist suggests it might be a requirement to create more Heavenly Energy, like how plants require sunlight and carbon dioxide to make oxygen. Whatever the reason, this form of Balance offers the Heavens an all-natural, unadulterated taste of emotion, and they promise power unmatched in return.

And yet, still I hesitate, because a step taken in fear is no better than a step avoided because of it. I cannot rush into this, because a partial success will lead to the same result as a complete failure. My goal is to defeat the Eternal Emperor, for only then can I survive. For this reason and so many more, I hold firm to logic and strive to make sense of the madness and find the courage and conviction to proceed. In coming to terms with who I am, I have uncovered a new Path to tread, the right Path for me. Not the Martial Path, but another one, a Path dictated by my Dao which I can only define as freedom. This much I know, but I am compelled to seek out the details of my new Path, for reasons beyond my understanding. Probably because I’m neurotic like that, but also because I feel like if I go in blind, then I am destined to fail, since I was never all that good at adapting to circumstances on the fly. I need a plan, or at least a general outline of what to do next, and that means I need to make sense of this madness, or at least enough sense so that I feel brave enough to move forward from here.

So.. what’s changed since I affirmed my Dao?

Balance has changed, or rather my perspective on Balance. Originally, I saw it as a fixed state to strive for, an established foundation of unshakable emotional stability wherein I could emote without being overcome by them. I’m not talking about the Empty Balance I strove for in JiangHu, the Balance of nothingness and abandon I erred in reaching for, but rather a Balance of Oneness in which every emotion is kept in its rightful place, or failing that, a Balance of immediate disregard in which I shutter all my emotions for the present time so that I can better control my Chi. Oneness was what I aimed for, immediate disregard is what I usually accomplished, but the end goal was always to create a perfectly Balanced system capable of regulating my emotions accordingly, matching a negative to a positive in order to stabilize, minimize, or even neutralize the effect said emotions would have on my mental state.

A flawed Balance, I see this now, because this is not a Balance within mortal means. This is the cold Balance of emotional regulation, not quite the same as the Eternal Emperor’s suppression and disregard, yet every bit as dispassionate and detached. A calculated Balance of positive and negative, which makes sense from a scientific and mathematical perspective, but not an emotional one. What is the opposite of love? Hate? Apathy? Sorrow? Fuck if I know, and it only gets more complicated from there. There is no algorithm I can adhere to in order to perfectly Balance one emotion with another, no perfect mathematical equation to provide me with the answers needed to maintain this scientific take, meaning this sort of Balance is great in theory, but falls woefully short in actual practice.

Even if it were theoretically possible to achieve this Balance, it would be practically unattainable for any human in existence. Though we like to think of ourselves as higher beings, all the facts point towards the same conclusion, that humans are creatures of emotion, full stop. We are compelled by it, bound to it, driven to seek it, and defined by it, to the point where a person who lacks the qualities of compassion and mercy would be labelled as ‘inhuman’. Granted, in the pursuit of Divinity and the Dao, it would make logical sense to strive for becoming more than just human, more than a creature of base emotion, but one of logic and reasoning unaffected by emotion. This is the rationale behind the Eternal Emperor’s suppression of emotion, but he is not the only one to pursue the Dao in this manner. Zhen Shi tried to do the same, treading the Razor’s Edge to indulge in emotion so that he could inure himself to it and rise above and beyond emotion, like building up a tolerance to emotion until it would no longer affect him. The Brotherhood shares a similar philosophy, in viewing the Three Poisons as the root of all suffering, so if they are able to sever all their earthly desires, they believe they will then be freed from the shackles of emotion and in turn, the cycle of Reincarnation as they ascend to the next plane of existence.

At first glance, all three of these Paths appear to make perfect sense, for they all lead to a form of Balance in their own ways, yet I cannot help but feel like they’re all wrong. Not just for me, but for humans in general, because while these forms of Balance are technically possible, they are ill-suited for the human condition. Like I said before, when taken to the extreme, someone who has perfected any one of the aforementioned forms of Balance would no longer be human, and I don’t mean in a mortal versus Divinity sense. I’m talking about in a sense of human versus inhuman, because someone in complete control of their emotional state would be more akin to a robot than anything else. It’s like the all-too-common trope where humanity runs into an alien race that doesn’t understand emotion, and though they appear superior at first glance, their lack of emotion holds them back, so in the end, it’s the emotional humans who save the day. Maybe it’s illogical, but I feel like emotion is part and parcel of the human condition, so even though I seek to Ascend to Divinity, I value my humanity too much to ever give it up, because even though I am plagued by my emotions, they are also the best part of being human.

If I were to sever all emotion, why would I still care about the conflict in Shi Bei or the people near and dear to my heart? I’d be no different from the Eternal Emperor and Zhen Shi, psychopaths incapable of empathy and indifferent to the suffering of all, or the Abbot who strives to do good out of some theological sense of karmic Balance rather than for the sake of morality itself.

In archaeology, one of the earliest signs of a civilization in a culture is evidence of a broken bone that has healed. Why? Because a broken bone requires about six weeks of rest to heal. In the animal kingdom, this means a broken bone is almost always a death sentence, since this is six weeks in which you can’t run, hunt, or even get up to go to the local watering hole for a drink. As such, you are destined to either become food for your predators, die of thirst or starvation, or succumb to your wounds due to lack of proper rest and treatment. A broken bone that has healed however, means that another person took the time to support and provide for the wounded while they healed, rather than abandoning them to their fate. Sure, maybe logic and facts dictated that it was more profitable to support their wounded comrade than leave them to die, but I’d like to think that the first mended bone was the result of love and compassion. This isn’t to say that animals are heartless, because they aren’t, but emotions are not the pitfall that the Eternal Emperor and the Brotherhood make them out to be, nor are they all bad like I sometimes like to pretend.

And so here I am, studying my own emotions in an effort to discover what sort of human Balance I should strive for in my pursuit of Divinity, a decision that might well mean the difference between ultimate victory or defeat.

To be honest, I know the kind of Balance I want, I just don’t really know if it’s possible for mem nor am I able to wholly describe what it actually entails, or know how to go about achieving it. I want the sort of Balance Buddy has, where he’s so in tune and enthralled by his emotions to the point where he can be ecstatic and excited to be having a treat despite being embroiled in a bitter fight for his life. It’s not that he’s unaware of the danger as he hides between the Old Wolf’s to wait until it’s safe to strike, nor is he wholly ambivalent to the threat to his life as his little heart pounds away in his chest and he pants up a storm, but while those emotions are no less palpable than his glee and gluttony, Buddy focuses on what he feels is most important without being overly burdened by the rest. I don’t know how he does it, shunting those unwanted feelings aside without suppressing or ignoring them, but letting it all play out in the background while he focuses on the good bits, on the satisfaction of stuffing his face, the warmth of a full belly, the accomplishment of the hunt, the camaraderie between him and his new hunting partner, and the thrill of rising to the challenge and emerging victorious time and time again. This is a form of emotional surrender without struggle, and a stalwart struggle without surrender too, a paradox of quantum states in which Buddy’s emotions are perceived without influence, expressed without engagement, and experienced without any change to his overall disposition.

Or maybe I’m overcomplicating things. Maybe Buddy is just feeling happy and excited because those are the strongest emotions present, stronger than his fear, concern, sorrow, and everything else combined. I dunno. Either way, even after seeing his behavior and sharing in the experience through our bond of emotion, I have no idea how Buddy can immerse himself in so much joy without becoming Unbalanced. If I were to give myself over to any one emotion like he does, I would lose sight of Balance in the blink of an eye, rendering me incapable of driving Chi or Heavenly Energy through my Spiritual System to do anything of note. My emotions might well drive the Energy of the Heavens to some effect, but it would be wholly outside my control and determined by emotion alone, yet Buddy is more than capable of Orating, Deflecting, and Devouring among so many other things whilst immersed in the sheer joy of this very moment. Everything I know regarding Balance tells me this should be impossible, that Buddy has tilted the scales too far in one extreme to be able to control the Energy of the Heavens, and yet there he stands in perfect Balance despite what his shared emotions would indicate.

I want this Balance, an unregulated, organic Balance that just comes so naturally to Buddy, without any need to struggle or surrender. All he needs to do is exist, and he is in Balance at any given time, even now on what might well be the happiest day of his life as he Devours the fifth Demon of the day with great relish and delight. I want the freedom to immerse myself in emotion, whether it be joy or depression, love or hatred, rage or contentment, or any other emotion which runs the gamut without having to worry about the consequences. Though the Balance of Oneness seems like the ‘mathematically’ perfect answer, I just like Buddy’s form of Balance so much more, while the Balance of immediate disregard I’m accustomed to just seems so fucking exhausting after having seen what other options are out there.

Alas, Buddy’s form of Balance is not for me, but I have no alternative to try. I don’t want to put my emotions aside anymore, because that’s just a temporary solution, leaving those emotions for future me to deal with since I can’t be bothered to deal with it now. Yes, it’s stupid, and yes, it’s worked so far, but I know in my heart of hearts that if I tried to Ascend with the Balance I’m so familiar with, I would fail because the weight of my disregarded emotions has grown too large. This weight is what drove me to such extremes in JiangHu, which almost resulted in disaster as I tried everything I could to abandon this life short of actual suicide. That’s not a healthy way to deal with emotion, but this is all I know.

Since I’m unable to put numbers to emotions, I’ve turned to colours instead, which is why I’ve been parsing through all my current emotions in an effort to organize and colour coordinate them, because maybe then I can find a pattern and figure out how to emulate Buddy’s form of Balance in a more palatable, human way. Try as I might however, I make no headway in my investigation, because I am a man who spent two lifetimes embroiled in conflicting emotions, ones I tried my best to ignore, suppress, or just plain deny as much as I could until they became too much to ignore. I’m not great at allowing myself to feel emotions, not like how Buddy does it. Dad too, now that I think about it, who is emanating an Aura of passion, excitement, defiance, and general contempt as he gives himself wholly over to the thrill of battle which has been the love of his life for so long. In many ways, his form of Balance emulates Buddy’s, though not taken to such extremes, and it is only now that I realize I can parse through Dad’s emotions as well. Not just from his Emotional Aura, kindled in a moment of need thanks to a small gift of usable Heavenly Energy from Buddy, but rather from a more intimate source, for his emotions are being broadcast through not only his Aura, but his actions and expressions as well.

Everyone broadcasts their emotions all the time. I just needed to learn how to listen, and as I tap into the currents of information flowing out of Dad, I uncover a simple truth that should have been evident from the start. He is harnessing the Energy of the Heavens through emotions, which isn’t anything new, but the manner in which he does so is different from how I would do it. He isn’t severing his emotions and giving them over to the Heavens, he is indulging in his emotions and allowing the Heavens to share in the experience before being driven by his Will. Again, nothing new, but I see now that this is similar to how the Defiled control the Energy of the Heavens, yet falls short of the full surrender and indulgence that would bring him to Divinity. In sort, it’s the same, but different in ways I can’t exactly identify as Dad somehow remains wholly Balanced and in control in spite of the torrent of emotions and Heavenly Energy surging through him.

Which just seems crazy to me, because it never ends well whenever I indulge in emotion.

Eager for more perspective to help define Balance, I struggle to free myself from the Eternal Emperor’s steely grip, but to no avail. Luckily he seems distracted by what’s happening in Shi Bei and has been true to his word, so he doesn’t react to my efforts. Alas, this doesn’t leave me any less stuck, and without a sexy step-sis or step-mom to lend me a hand. With no other choice, I set to Scrying around Shi Bei which is almost as good as seeing things firsthand, and the first person I check on is not one of my wives or any of my floofs, but my big sister who has done so much for me. Not because I have step-sisters on the mind, or because I’m worried about her. Well, yes, but I’m not more worried about Alsantset than anyone else. My reason for checking on her first is somewhat selfish and self-serving, namely because her Dao is so similar to Dad’s that it should be easy to compare and contrast how they approach Balance and better understand it.

So yea, it’s illogical to feel guilty about how why I’m checking in on her, but I’m trying something new here and not repressing my emotions, which sucks a big one. Then again, I doubt Alsantset would hold my relative lack of concern against me since she knows I worry enough as is. My big sister loves battle and bloodshed as much as Dad does, but the difference here is that her love of family does not merely match her love of battle, and in fact supersedes it. Not to say Dad loves us less, or Alsantset loves us more, but rather that the absolute values are maxed, only the relative ratios are evenly matched in Dad, while skewed more in favour of family for Alsantset. What does this mean in terms of emotions? For starters, Alsantset’s determination is tinged with fear and anxiety, whereas Dad’s emotions are completely devoid of all doubts and concerns. This doesn’t mean my sister is a coward, nor is she lessened by her apprehension, but rather the opposite. Her fear does not control her, nor does she allow it to overwhelm her, and instead she uses it to hone her courage and determination whilst driving her to new heights of fury and strength. The fear is a part of her she will never deny, and it reminds her of what she’s fighting for, a reminder which emboldens her with the conviction and resolve to stand firm in spite of her exhaustion. She cannot fall here today, because then her children would be without a mother, her husband without a wife, her parents without a daughter, and her brother without a sister. Because of all this and more, she fights that much harder whilst risking her life time and time again, laughing defiantly against the odds because she has something worth fighting for, and more importantly, something worth living for.

If Dad’s courage is the bright, burning red of courageous fervor, Alsantset’s is similar but tinged with hints of pink and blue for love and dedication, the courage of a mother, daughter, and sister which surpasses even that of a Warrior, and the Energy of the Heavens responds equally to Dad and Alsantset.

Mila’s fiery ringlets are easy to pick out amongst the crowd, her freckled features scrunched up in fetching determination as she hunkers down behind her shield and holds firm against her foes. There is a thread of anger and pique floating close to the surface, a dark green indignation over how this battle is so unfair, but it is drowned out by the light grey of stoic determination as she rises to the challenge and gives it her all. These Transcended Half-Demons surpass her in speed, strength, skill, and more, but she holds the defender’s advantage and strikes at her foes as they land on the battlements in a kill or be killed exchange, one issued and completed before they can find their footing. No battle is without risk, yet Mila defies the odds time and time again as she fights on with the stubborn determination I know and love, emotions tempered with the radiant golden glow of fearless pride and enduring tenacity built on a foundation of hard work and unrivalled talent. Even though she knows she is outmatched, she will never back down, because where there is life, there is hope, and so she fights on without despair. Either the Imperials will win, or she will escape to fight another day, for she is Sumila of the People, a woman and Warrior who refuses to die here today.

Standing beside her, Li-Li’s lithe figure makes for a stunning contrast as she dances about her sister, her feet never slowing and her sabre never stopping even for a moment. Again, she knows she is outmatched, but victory or defeat means little to her, as she has given herself over to the fight and has eyes for nothing else. A pure, luminous glow, one which is absent of all colour, that is how I would describe Li-Li’s single-minded determination, a heroic and indefatigable will which is focused on the moment and nothing else. There is no seed of doubt sprouting in the back of her mind, no concern to be had regarding the ultimate victory or defeat of the Imperials here in Shi Bei. In fact, Li-Li pays no mind to the overall battle save to care about how it will affect her fight on the wall, as she calculates her current move, her next move, and perhaps a handful more while accounting for the actions and reactions of her foes. That is all she cares about, the fight and nothing else, wholly fixated on hindering her opponents for as long as she can and killing them wherever she can. Why? Because she is determined to keep her sister safe, the sister she loves and admires with all her heart, which is all that matters here and now as they fight side by side.

Even if she dies here today, Li-Li would die with a smile on her face, because she will have died knowing love and contentment, which is more than she ever dared to dream of.

The scything winds cut down a dozen Half-Demons and a small cheer rises up in response, the work of my bold and courageous Yan. Her emotions are far more turbulent and unstable, for despite the assured and somewhat smug expression she wears so well as she fights with all her heart, she has always been one to hide and harbour her doubts. Unlike me however, Yan doesn’t let them shake her will to fight on, and much like Alsantset, she uses her doubts as a whetstone to temper her pride and drive her to even greater heights. Despite being one of the strongest and most Talented Warriors of her generation, she does not see herself as a peerless talent and holds no aspirations to being a phoenix among cranes. No, Yan believes all her accomplishments are the result of training, preparation, and luck alone, and to be fair, that is a large part of it, but she gives herself too little credit and is blind to far too many of her strengths. Another similarity we share, for she is so hard on herself despite her unmatched accomplishments, and even now she is internally chastising herself for not being able to do more. These doubts cast her emotions with a faint hue of unsettling green in an otherwise calm sea of noble blue and courageous red, all dancing atop a field of cold, stoic dark grey that almost appears black at times, one which holds back the surging tides of sorrow and compassion for her fallen comrades. A necessity, this callous disregard for the death of so many, because unlike Mila and Song, Yan is not fighting as a Warrior alone, but as an Officer and leader in command of a thousand Warriors. While Mila commands as well, she does so by virtue of strength, and leaves the minutiae of morale and leadership to her underlings. Not so with Yan, who shoulders the heavy burden with pride and does everything she can to support those who follow her lead, bellowing orders, compliments, and insults as they come to mind. Her efforts are evident to all, and her soldiers draw courage and determination from knowing they are led and supported by a Warrior who sees them as more than just meat for the meat grinder, but one who genuinely cares for them. Though Mila’s Blessing of the Sun has proven equally devastating as Yan’s Blessing of Wind, the latter has won the hearts of the Imperial soldiers because they can see that she has taken it upon herself to become a pillar of the army, a responsibility she holds in the highest of esteem even as she silently mourns for the soldiers she’s lost without allowing her emotions to shake her resolve.

Yan is a Warrior born, and a leader to boot, one who will go far in her military career so long as she survives. Mila could do the same, but she has spread herself too thin, meaning in terms of military command, Yan will always be two steps ahead.

In stark contrast, Luo-Luo is no Warrior or leader, or so she believes, but as I watch her bleeding fingers pluck away at the Domain-Plated strings of her zither, I wholeheartedly disagree. While she might not have the full training or ingrained instincts of a Warrior born, it is clear she possesses the heart of one at the very least as she plays on in spite of the pain, conserving her Chi so that she might eventually eke out one note more rather than protect her fragile fingers with her Domain. A pleasant, relaxing orange-red ambiance emanates outwards with every note that she plays, one filled with the hope of the rising sun which brings with it a brand-new day, but these are the emotions she chooses to broadcast, not the emotions she herself feels. Those are more difficult to describe, for I sense in her the noble purple glow of pride and conceit without the ugly veneer of arrogance, disdain, or pretension. A result of her bloodline, which she takes great pride in, being only one generation removed from the current Emperor, whatever that’s worth. I don’t put much stock in bloodlines and lineages, but Luo-Luo cares deeply for them, as do many others who see the Imperial Clan and five Supreme Families as undoubtedly superior to the rest. Because of her upbringing however, she embodies the best traits of nobility while eschewing the worst, a kind, considerate, and charitable woman lacking the haughty airs so many nobles succumb to. Others always thought I was taking on too much by trying to single-handedly feed the provinces and raise their standard of education and living, but Luo-Luo went right along with it, because in her eyes, that is what the mantle of nobility entails, the responsibility to make the decisions for the betterment of all mankind, an attitude which makes her inner beauty shine even brighter than her considerable outer beauty. As she plays her best on the walls of Shi Bei, there is no regret in her heart, no sorrow regarding her possibly impending death, no grief or dissatisfaction over having been dragged into this conflict against her will or the circumstances which have brought her here. Instead, she is honoured to fight alongside these heroes of the Empire and proud to provide what little assistance she can, all with a graceful dignity and grand distinguished virtue which I’ve fallen head over heels in love with.

Luo-Luo is genuinely too good for me, but then again, all my wives are, which means I need to work all the harder to ensure I never disappoint any one of them.

As for Lin-Lin, who I’ve loved for so long, her emotions are all but impossible to describe. There’s a streak of dark fear and gloomy concern, but also radiant glee and glowing pride as she moves to support Luo-Luo, who she only now just noticed was struggling on her own. My sweet, cherubic wifey has more or less mastered the art of transferring Life Force to those she loves, and even though I know she is an Ancestral Beast and likely has more than enough to spare, it pains me to see her giving up what might well be years, decades, or even centuries of life for a cause she doesn’t really care for. In Lin-Lin’s eyes, war is no different from the changing seasons, an unstoppable phenomenon which she tolerates and endures because she has no other choice. There will never be an end to the war against Defiled, but even if there was one, it would only lead to a different sort of war, because that is human nature. Thus, she sees no point in being here, but she supports us all nonetheless, and has never once tried to dissuade me from pursuing my Dao. Because of this, she has suffered through the most turbulent period of her life when she should instead be happy, safe, and cherished, meaning she suffers only for love of me. To make matters worse, circumstances forced her to reveal her status as an Ancestral Beast, so even if we survive the battle here in Shi Bei, she might well be forced to spend the rest of her life running or hiding from pursuers seeking to enslave her against her will. I’ve stolen an untold number of years of safety and anonymity away from her, a debt which I can never repay, yet she holds no grudge against me nor does she blame me for her woes. Instead, she strives to support me and everyone she loves as best she can in spite of the dark future awaiting her, because she would rather live happily in the moment than let what might come next bring her down.

Again, Lin-Lin’s Balance is also quite similar to Buddy’s, in which they give themselves wholly over to the strongest emotion present, yet my sweet wifey has never once shown any sign of Imbalance, and might well be the most Balanced person I know. A contradiction which I am still unable to resolve, because in my mind, Balance has been cemented as net-neutral emotion, yet time and time again I am seeing that this is not the case.

Which logically means my fundamental understanding of Balance must be inherently and intrinsically flawed.

So what is Balance? The question puts me in mind of a conversation I once had with Fung, and I find him fighting on the walls of Shi Bei beside his lady love. What a match they make, wielding their swords in hand as they support one another against foes far too strong for them to face, moving in near perfect coordination as Ryo Seoyoon follows Fung’s lead without hesitation, the two love-birds glowing with warm pinks and blossoming greens accented by icy-blue determination. My friend has come far since we first met in Shen Huo, and as I watch his sword trace a path through the air and catch the faintest hints of Sword Intent surging within, I am unable to even guess at what heights he will eventually reach. The lyrical lines of his incomprehensible poetry flow out without pause, and the measured cadence of his speech aligns his breathing to the rhythm of the World which empowers him even further as he goes head-to-head with Half-Demon Peak Experts and comes so very close to matching them. Even more impressive is how his poems enable Seoyoon to do the same, but only because she has wholly given herself over to him in mind and soul, if not body, and thus able to match his flow as the Energy of the Heavens surge around them.

I have always believed that Fung is one of the greatest talents of our generation, but I never knew how talented until now. If given some more years of conflict to wholeheartedly pursue his Dao, I believe Fung has it in him to become the second Ying Zheng, a Warrior with the strength to conquer the Empire and unite all the lands behind him. No wonder his advice was so sound, delivered so nonchalantly over dinner as we ate around the fire only days after the purge ended, but before the siege of Sanshu had yet to truly begin. “Balance is a concept for which we humans are ill-suited,” he began, his cheeks still rosy-red from laughing at my naivete. “We are fragile, emotional creatures, capable of observation and thought which many scholars believe hinders our progress. Animals naturally seek Balance, but humans must reach for it, struggle to hold it, and there has yet to be a single person who has truly mastered it.”

Because there has yet to be the human equivalent of an Ancestral Beast, a human who reforged their body in the Energy of the Heavens to become something more than what they were before. The human Divinities we know of are false Divinities at best, though one could argue that Ancestral Beasts are also false Divinities, though most certainly less false than human Divinities. Then again, this might no longer be true considering what Zhen Shi only recently accomplished, reforging his body in the image of his soul and therefore the Eternal Emperor’s image as well, a feat I suspect the original was also able to accomplish, though he purposely left the details of his Path vague and indistinct. Thus, my goal is to match them in this, to become a true Divinity, because anything less will not bring me victory against my foe, but first I must answer the question of, “What is Balance?”

“You’ve confused Balance with morality.” Fung’s voice sounds out once again as the memory of our talk continues. “There is no right or wrong, no good or evil when it comes to Balance. Life and death are but two sides of the same coin, both required for the world to continue. Take for example a wildfire ravaging through a forest, destroying trees and killing wildlife without mercy. Many would see the flames as evil, but it is also a source of renewal. The dead trees nourish the soil and without them, the canopy no longer blocks out the sunlight, allowing for new growth to flourish. Some trees have even been noted to only produce seeds after a fire, meaning the forest cannot be sustained without the flames.”

“So you’re saying fire is good?”

That was my question, which goes to show I missed the point entirely, but my good friend answered patiently without judgement. “No, the fire is neither good nor evil, it is merely an agent of Balance. As humans, we allow our morals and philosophies to colour our judgment, which affects our ability to find Balance. Does the rabbit consider the wolf evil? Does a flower hate the deer? Perhaps they do, but each are merely acting in their nature. Morality is a human construct, Balance a natural one. It’s how people like the Shrike and Fu Zu Li retain Balance, they are merely doing what is required of them.”

Again, missing the point, I ask, “Then how come anger and rage are so bad for Balance?”

“It isn’t. Too much anger is another thing altogether. Take all things in moderation. Laugh when you want to, cry when you must, fight when called upon, and stand up for what you believe.” Shrugging, Fung adds, “It’s all much easier said than done of course.”

And truer words had never been spoken. All this time I’ve been struggling to define Balance, but the truth is, there is no definitive answer. Balance is not a set state of mind to achieve, not a condition to aim for, but rather a goal to keep in mind at all times when pursuing the Dao. Balance is simply Balance, without any right or wrong answer regarding how to approach it, because there are a myriad of different ways to find Balance, but the goal is not as important as the steps one takes to reach it. I’ve been asking the wrong question, namely, “What is Balance?”, when instead I should be asking, “What does Balance mean to me?”

Take the state of this world for example, which is inarguably in flux as Imperial and Defiled wage war against one another, giving rise to more suffering, more Spectres, and therefore more Defiled, but also Balanced as a whole in that the Eternal Emperor possesses strength and power enough to end the Defiled threat as he pleases. As such, one could argue that the Eternal Emperor is a vital cog in the overall machine that makes up this world we all reside in, the linchpin to ensure Balance is retained regardless of whether the Defiled or Imperials win. The Defiled are the forest fire, the Imperials the forest, and the Emperor some guy sitting on the sidelines who can put out the fire or nourish the forest as he pleases.

This is Balance of a sorts, one I do not agree with, yet there is no denying that it is Balance all the same. The Heavens recognizes this, and in its natural pursuit of Balance, it empowers the Eternal Emperor even further, because even with Imperial and Defiled making a mess of things, the Eternal Emperor only needs to shift his weight ever so slightly to tip the scales back to Balance. Is this why the Heavens failed me during my attempt to kill him? Is there a Will of the Heavens working to keep the world in Balance? If so, is that why I have memories of my past life? So that I can act as an agent of the Heavens and bring Balance to the Force – I mean, the world? But if that’s the case, why didn’t the Heavens work with me to kill the Eternal Emperor?

No, this is another mistake I’ve made before, and one I continue to make. I have a tendency to anthropomorphize everything, attributing human characteristics to things like animals, spirits, and the Heavens. What’s more, I’ve always been searching for a purpose of my existence, a reason to explain why I transmigrated here with my past life’s memories, but the truth is, I didn’t transmigrate. I reincarnated into this life as Amigui, who is part and parcel of who I am, but a part I continue to reject even after uncovering the truth I worked so hard to forget. I am no traveller to this foreign world, but a native of it. My memories of a past life are unique, but who’s to say I’m the only one with them? There are plenty of other talents out there who might well possess memories of a past life, like Dastan’s uncle Diyako, the ingenious inventor who knows more than he lets on, or Liu Xuande, the Imperial Scion turned brilliant military strategist. What about Gwangjong, the brilliant stonemason who understands more about structural engineering than I could even begin to describe? Or Cao Cao, the brilliant mathematician who does literal magic with numbers and is able to calculate the most efficient method to store goods on a ship or the best route for a caravan to take? Who’s to say none of them have awakened to memories of a past life which have enabled them to excel in their own way? What of those who have memories that don’t really help, like my love of floofs and desire for indoor plumbing? Or those who wake up and feel like life isn’t quite right, yet have no idea what it is they’re missing? All this and more could be attributed to the accumulations of past lives being brought to the forefront of one’s mind, yet not every past life will have something useful to offer. Then there’s also the matter of Ancestral Beasts, who still possess fleeting memories of their past lives as beasts, which isn’t all that different from what I’ve experienced here.

Which means that my past life’s memories are a part of me, but their existence can no longer define me.

The truth is, ever since I awakened to my past life’s memories, I’ve struggled to find myself and always wondered why I am the way I am. I saw my arrival as the coming of the destined hero, someone destined for greatness, because if not, then why was I brought here in the first place, with memories that only plague me with how much better life could be? The problem is, I wasn’t brought here. I was born here, and I desperately wanted to be the hero, to have a purpose in life, to have a reason for survival so I could feel less guilty about killing my brother, but it’s high time I faced facts. There is nothing special about who I am or how I came to be here. I’m the dude playing another dude, disguised as another dude, with maybe a fourth dude hidden in there somewhere. I dunno, it’s all very complicated, but I can say for certain that I wasn’t summoned here by the Mother or the Will of the Heavens, fated to right all wrongs and bring Balance to the world. I mean, why would they even bother? If there was a deity out there with the power to pluck my memories and personality from my past life and transplant it into this one, all in order to play the foil to the Eternal Emperor and bring Balance to the world, then why wouldn’t said deity just handle this shit themselves? Why would I need to spend so many years suffering and struggling just to clean up their mess?

My defiant contempt spills out into the world around me, lifting a weight off my shoulders I never knew was there. All this time, I’ve been setting myself up as the hero of the story and waiting for the Heavens to come rescue me, but no more. Now, I must take matters into my own hands and define my own fate. So what if the Heavens won’t help me? They never helped me before, never rescued me from my father or whisked me away from the slave mines, never comforted me when I cried, consoled me when I was hurt, or guided me when I needed it the most. I wanted to believe in a higher being, but I was never given any reason to, so whether the Will of the Heavens exists or not, I should’ve never been counting on it the first place.

So yea. Even if there is a Heavens, Mother Above, or some Deity on high is looking down on us from another plane of existence, they can go fuck themselves. I’ll figure this shit out on my own, thank you very much, and then I’ll do whatever the hell I please, because fate ain’t got shit on me.

Having found some perspective on things and my resolve within, I gather up the emotions I’ve identified and so many more I have yet to parse through and surrender myself to them in full. It doesn’t matter if I have yet to define my Balance, because so long as I hold fast to Balance and trust in myself, then I will have done everything I can and given this effort my all. That’s all I can really ask for, all I can reasonably demand, because at the end of the day, I am still human yet, and I will remain human even if I should Ascend to True Divinity. It’s as simple as that, and more complex than I could ever imagine, but the only thing I have to remember is to remain true to myself.

Crippling depression, suffocating anxiety, paranoid delusion, willful ignorance, and awkward humour, by these powers combined, I am Falling Rain.

A brief moment of amusement does much to relieve the tension in my chest before a deluge of emotions washes over me and I parse through them all at once. Joy, rage, hatred, love, lust, despair, and more. The colours come together in a jumbled vision of gaudy hues, a giant mess of vibrance and dreariness which threatens to drag me over to Imbalance, yet I do nothing to stop it. This is my nature, a sensitive person who feels emotion too strongly, which is why I avoid them as much as I can. A source of so many of my woes over the years, my inability to just turn off my emotions or let them go. Why should I care about what some random stranger thinks of me? Yet one awkward encounter with said stranger will haunt me for two lives, because I still cringe when I think of the time I said, “You too,” to the waiter who brought me my food and said, ‘Have a nice meal’. I also fall in love easily, but I love fiercely too, without holding anything back. I have so much love to give, I could love a hundred floofs or more without even coming close to my limits, and while I still feel like an asshole for falling in love with so many women, I know I will do everything I can to ensure they know they are loved and hope that it will be enough. I empathize with the beggar I pass on the street, sympathize with the overworked slaves who are mistreated and abused, commiserate with the woes so many people suffer and share. If I see an injustice in the world, I cannot just sit idle and let it pass, because then I will feel like I’ve failed as a person, because a good person would lend a hand to those in need.

This is why I fear emotion, because I am too easily compelled by it. Starving kid in the streets? Better feed the whole city. Crippled Warriors without access to healthcare? I should teach everyone how to Heal so they can regrow their own limbs. Slavery and inequality ingrained into the very nature of the Empire? Best plant the seeds of bloody revolution and provide the tools necessary for the working class and slaves to succeed. The Defiled are running rampant in a province I’ve never been to? Well, I’m ready to sally forth and lay my life on the line to go save them all, even though no one wants me to and no one will reward me for it.

What can I say? It’s a sickness really.

This is why I avoid meeting people and making new connections because, I lack the energy to keep up with all my emotions. Avoidance is no longer possible, and hasn’t been possible for a long time now, so it’s high time I took Charok’s sage advice to heart, delivered so long ago when I first stepped foot on the Martial Path.

I cannot let fear and my other emotions control me. Instead, I must take control of my emotions, without closing myself off from them.

This is my Dao, the Dao of absolute freedom, freedom even from the Heavens which might otherwise dictate my fate, the freedom to live my life as I so please. Yes, I bind myself in chains of emotion, but I accept those chains freely, for they are no true chains, but rather the benefits of being alive, for life would not be worth living without the people I love and cherish. Thus, even laden down with chains of empathy and obligation, I am still free, for my fate is still my own, one I will forge in pursuit of the truth and in search of answers to questions which might well never be answered. The end goal isn’t important however, nor will the possibility of failure prevent me from trying, because life isn’t about the destination, but rather the journey you take to get there.

Balance is truly a concept humans are ill-suited for indeed, and I myself less suited than most, but what works for one might well be impossible for another, which means I need to find the Balance most suited for me. Having gathered so very many different colours of emotions, I still have no idea what form of Balance I should strive for, but the lack of knowledge or understanding means nothing to me. All I can do is allow myself to feel my emotions and act according to my Will, one guided by my morals and integrity, with a hefty helping of input from my guilty conscience and personal views on justice and honour.

This is my Balance, one steeped in emotion and driven by it, yet kept in check by the human concepts I hold so dearly in my heart. The Dao of don’t be an asshole, which is far more difficult than it sounds. I must remain true to myself and my morals, uncorrupted by power, wealth, lust, and who knows what else, for I have seen what happens to those who lose their way, like Zhen Shi, the Eternal Emperor, Wisdom Vyakhya, the Confessor Goujian, his Disciple Han Bo Lao, and so many others. Monsters aren’t born. They are crafted by the trials and tribulations of life, so if I am to remain true to myself and my Dao, I must gauge each step with the utmost care and consideration in the years to come. Simple and reasonable though my Dao might seem, there are an infinite number of complexities to navigate through, ones which I can only trust myself to find the best way forward, with help from those I hold near and dear to my heart. There will be many mistakes, but those too will become a part of my journey, because so long as there is life, there is hope.

Firm in my conviction though I might be, I find my Will wavering as I struggle to encompass the entirety of my Dao in one, simple concept, something to hold firm in mind as I surrender and struggle to Ascend. My Dao of freedom is of all emotion and none, steeped in logic yet could function entirely without, a Dao which allows me to surrender control to emotion or be controlled by it without ever losing sight of logic, reason, the core tenants of who I am. All this I know in my heart, but it is too complex and indefinite to keep in mind all at once with even a modicum of certainty, for there are just too many variables to keep track of.

That is until I gaze upon the jumbled mess of emotional colours and find Insight in a memory from my past life, a symbol which applies so well to this dilemma of mine.

The various colours of emotions come together in a circle, forming two teardrop-shaped pools of black and white. Side by side and together, yet separate at the same time, with a single dot of white in the black, and a single dot of black within the white. Despite the apparent lack of colour, I can sense within those pools of black and white the entire rainbow of emotions, melding together not in pairs or opposites, but rather as one, massed conglomerate of stable sentiment. This is not about good or evil, the Mother or the Father, Heaven and Hell, positive and negative, or anything like that, just all emotion and no emotion, all logic and no logic, all colours, and none. A Yin Yang symbol to represent my Dao, which is a little derivative and on the nose, but it enables me to focus my Will and reach out and grasp the Balance I seek. Not the Balance of complete surrender that I’ve seen in Buddy or Lin-Lin, nor is it the indulgence Dad and Alsantset have embraced. It shares similarities with both of the aforementioned concepts, as well as Yan’s Balance of struggle, Mila’s Balance of affirmation, Li-Li’s Balance of single-minded determination, and Luo-Luo’s Balance of obligation and empathy, yet is entirely different as well. There is no math to this Balance, no scales to depict parity or equilibrium to maintain, no emotions to suppress or ignore or be wary of expressing. There is only a natural harmony of emotion for me to settle into like water settling into the lowest possible state. A much more simplistic form of Balance than the ones I’d envisioned, yet also infinitely more complex, because there are no rules to adhere to, no guidelines to follow, no goals to aim for besides Balance, one of Yin and Yang, of black, white, and all the colours and emotions in between as I follow my heart’s desires without ever allowing myself to be controlled by them.

The Balance I seek is a human Balance, a mortal’s Balance, one I am unable to wholly define yet is so natural and comfortable it can only be right, for it is wholly in accordance with my Dao, which is why it is so well suited for me.

Here in the throes of my newfangled Balance, I am finally ready to take the next step, because only now do I understand what I must do. I must cultivate, must nurture the truth, not merely the truth of the universe, the Laws, the Dao, Balance, the power of Creation and Destruction, or anyt of that other cool stuff. What I must cultivate is the truth of who I am, what I have set out to accomplish, and how I mean to achieve my goals, because how can one hope to understand the Dao without first understanding one’s self?

The Energy of the Heavens surges through my body, mind, and soul as I surrender and struggle before it. Directed by my Will, the barrier between me and the Heavens comes apart as I Shatter the Void in full and finish what I started earlier today in Meng Sha, but stopped out of fear and lack of preparation. Only now have I become One with the Heavens in truth, because before this very moment, I was not yet ready, and now I am. It’s really that simple, yet hides a multitude of complexities, ones I would have never solved without widening my perspective. Having committed myself to Ascend without fear or hesitation, I keep in mind the heavy consequences of failure and give the Heavens no choice but to concede before my Will as they surrender their secrets for my review. No longer do I recognize their Authority, for now I will now forge my own Path to bring me to the pinnacle of my Dao.

The Energy of the Heavens continues to surge around me, but I remain undaunted and bend it to my Will, no longer afraid of any Spectres or calling down the gaze of the Father because I am firmly in control. Visualizing my Intent, I embody my greatest desire to save the people I love and become the hero I’d always dreamed of being. One raised not with the support of the Heavens, but in defiance of them, for there is no all-seeing authority watching over us from above, only a natural phenomenon which I now harness for my own use.

I am the surging tides of the endless seas, the eternal winds of the stormy skies.

I am the all-consuming blaze of the smouldering forge, the unyielding meteor which pierces the Heavens.

And as I take this next step along my Path, I pray to whatever higher power which might be listening that this will be enough.

Chapter Meme 1

Chapter Meme 2

Chapter Meme 3