Shattered Memories - Chapter 30

His body felt heavy and languid. Rayan barely blinked and let out a feverish breath. After going outside, he didn’t feel very well, so he laid down the next day. The first to notice his condition was the seahorse. He brought Ayla right away.

‘What’s happening?’

He was a child who had never been ill before, she clicked her tongue asking why he suddenly had a fever, but she still took time to look into it during her busy time. At least that’s what she said, but it seemed that she was worried that Rayan was heartbroken over Alle’s departure.

“Haa.”

Rayan groaned and let out a feverish breath.

Why was this happening? He didn’t get sick often. On the contrary, he was rarely sick except for minor scratches. So he couldn’t get used to this languid feeling.

He had to go see Erich. He had asked Erich to meet him in ten days, but he was going to peek at his traces from afar. He didn’t have the courage to face him right away, but he wanted to see him anyway.

More importantly, what was Erich doing?

Was he meditating on his confession? He won’t think it’s a joke right? Or maybe he was bewildered… Would he think it’s not worth worrying about?

He’s human, and he would obviously want to partner up with a human like him. Didn’t Asha say the same? Since he was a human, he would feel more comfortable with humans than with mermaids.

Thinking about it made his body hurt even more. Rayan counted one by one with his hand, counting how many days left until the 10th. He wanted time to pass by quickly, but on the other hand, he also thought it would be nice if it didn’t pass at all forever. But if it didn’t pass forever, he wouldn’t be able to see Erich.

Rayan groaned and curled up at the dilemma. His fin gently wrapped around his hand. He had never been bothered by this, but today he felt sad for some reason. Maybe it’s because of the broken heart he would soon have to go through.

His body hurt, and his heart hurt too. Rayan, who closed his eyes to forget everything, heard someone approaching. It was obvious it would be Ayla. Neither Yuri nor Alle were here, so Ayla was the only one who could take care of him.

But Rayan didn’t want to talk to anyone right now.

“I heard you’re sick.”

At the sound of the dry voice falling, Rayan jumped up. He turned his gaze back. A woman, wrapped in a hanging shawl, was looking down at him with dull eyes.

“Mer.”

Rayan’s voice trembled as he belatedly greeted the king. Mer looked him up and down and clicked her tongue.

“I’ve been expecting it for a while.”

There was no need to ask back. Rayan quickly figured it out. Because usually the first growth started with fever. And it was true he was rarely ill. He was expecting that it would just be the king’s misunderstanding. Nevertheless, he couldn’t say anything. Rayan lowered his head.

The long, drooping eyelashes trembled.

He felt suffocated. He wanted to get away from Mer’s gaze at any moment. However, knowing that it was not a sign of growth, he thought she would leave right away, but she did not go back. She just looked at Rayan with a nonchalant gaze.

Why wasn’t she going?

“…”

Rayan felt uncomfortable now and bit his lip. It tingled and stung.

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Her voice grew closer as Rayan was torn between wanting her to come and disrupt this atmosphere and wanting her to go back after noticing Mer’s aura. The door opened at last.

“Ra- … Mer.”

As usual, Ayla, who came in after finishing work, saw the king and hardened her expression. Cold eyes turned towards her.

“The Honor, Mer.”

Ayla, who quickly recovered her spirit, lowered her body deeply and praised the king.

“Ayla.”

“Yes.”

Ayla, who was usually not nervous, also looked stiff. She sincerely adored the king, as Atisa’s mermaids do, but on the other hand, she was intimidated.

“You should slowly find your own companion.”

Mer’s language was low but clear. It was always like that. She meant, “Should you continue to pay attention to flaws that do not even show any signs of growth?”. Ayla wriggled her fingers. It was her habit when she tried to resist what she considered unreasonable.

To go against Mer, she was not crazy.

Rayan was frightened. Forgetting that she was in front of the king, Rayan quickly moved to her side and pushed her behind him.

“I will be careful.”

“What are you doing now?”

Rayan squeezed Ayla’s hand and shook his head. She strained to shake it off, then let go. The king’s eyes went down. At Rayan’s hands to be exact.

Mer, who had been silently watching it, immediately withdrew her gaze. She turned her body around as if intending to go out.

“…”

Rayan held his breath as he watched her leave.

“Mer.”

Then he called Mer. he thought she would ignore it, but she turned her head halfway. The cool green eyes, unable to fathom even a speck of warmth, turned their trajectory towards Rayan.

“… Like that, you don’t like it?”

What ‘it’ was, Rayan didn’t say. But there was no one here who didn’t know what it was.

Had Rayan been his usual self, he would not have called after her, hoping that Mer would disappear from his sight as soon as possible. He was always intimidated in front of Mer, and it was difficult for her. He once hoped for affection, but at some point, when that expectation dried up, he was left with only fear, and he felt ashamed.

When he faced her, the memory of seeing her disappointed eyes was clear, and Rayan didn’t express it, but he had to struggle for quite a while.

‘Remember, Rayan. That you are already perfect just by existing. So please don’t degrade your worth.’

But he remembered Erich’s words. It was a great comfort to him. So Rayan was able to talk to Mer for the first time since that day.

Rayan’s lips trembled with tension. Ayla, who couldn’t have predicted Rayan’s actions, looked at him with eyes that widened as if they were about to pop out. If it hadn’t been for Mer, she would have asked if he was sane. Of course, it wasn’t something she could say when she tried to confront her fearlessly earlier.

“…”

Mer looked sideways.

“Like, huh.”

After a moment of silence, she opened her mouth.

“If we’re talking about the worth, it would have been difficult to answer.”

“…”

“That’s a question I’ve never considered before.”

Mer, who didn’t face Rayan properly throughout the entire answer and only twisted her head to look at him, turned her body as if she didn’t want to talk anymore. If she advanced just one inch, the door would be closed. The king would disappear from him again.

“I’m…”

Rayan opened his mouth again to Mer who was leaving. This time Ayla squeezed his hand, but Rayan didn’t stop.

“I’m not worthless.”

Mer did not stop and look back this time. Bang. The door closed. After finishing things off, her tense body quickly dropped by the sharp atmosphere. As Rayan lost his strength and stumbled, Ayla came to his aid.

“Rayan. Are you okay?”

“No.”

It wasn’t okay. His body ached more as he relaxed. The heat seemed to rise again, and it was as hot as if he had been burned.

“Why did you do something so reckless?”

“Better than what you were going to do.”

He was Simere in terms of status and Mer’s only son. On the other hand, Ayla was at best a soliger. No matter how great she was, she could have been imprisoned or put on probation for disrespecting the king.

“Is it because you thought I couldn’t take it?”

“Yes. It seemed so.”

They’ve known each other for years, so how could he not know her personality? If he hadn’t stopped her, Ayla would have jumped in front of him without hesitation. At Rayan’s assertion, Ayla grumbled, but did not refute it.

Rayan gently pushed her away and laid back on his clam bed.

“Are you still very unwell?”

“I’m fine.”

It hurt more than before, but it would get better if he endured it. Even though his body hurt, he felt relieved inside. Even though she still saw him as worthless, Rayan told her that he was worthy. All of this was thanks to Erich. If he could go see Erich, he would have proudly told him about today’s event.

“How are you fine?”

“Ayla.”

Rayan breathed out a feverish breath and called Ayla. She met his gaze as if responding to his call. Her youthful concerns were very clear in her eyes.

“You too, hurry up and find a companion.”

“My companion is…”

“I’m not your companion.”

Ayla narrowed her eyes slightly. However, Rayan partly agreed with Mer’s words. Such as, Ayla needed to find a partner quickly.

“That is my choice. Rayan.”

Ayla was adamant. It’s been decades since they knew they would be each other’s companions, and they were stubborn until recently, so it wasn’t an understandable reaction.

“Marriage is what you do with someone you love, like Yuri did.”

“…”

“And we’re not like that.”

For decades, they’ve been closest friends, family, or unspoken companions. They never fought, but there was always affection underneath. But Rayan at least knows that it’s not like the way he liked Erich. When he realized his feelings for Erich, he realized it clearly.

“We are friends.”

“… Are you really Rayan?”

There’s no way Rayan would say such a thing. Ayla still couldn’t hide her disapproval.

“Look. Even my words don’t hurt you.”

Just imagining that Erich would reject him made his heart throb like this. If he didn’t put his hands on his chest, he would forget it even existed, but these days, it’s presence was very clearly felt.

Rayan let out a deep sigh and turned around saying he was tired.

“I… alright. What can I say to a sick child? Let’s leave it here today.”

Ayla, who stared at Rayan lying on his back with his arms crossed for a long time, shook her head and promised a next time. Then she touched his forehead. A refreshing energy ran down his head. Having energized him, she turned around and left.

Rayan, who had been forced to close his eyes, opened his eyes again as she receded. Ha. He tried hard to breathe out, but he still felt stuffy inside. Finally, Rayan jumped up.