Siren Song - 210 The Pi

The more time Chang had to think about it she only became more cemented in really did not want to leave with him to Shanghai. She feared that he did not take his own father seriously enough as a threat. Seeing his own adamance about the subject though, Chang could only swallow her words and hold onto the pit in her stomach.

The pit only seemed to harden and solidify with each passing second becoming a deep ache inside. Guilt started to accumulate as well, gnawing at her from the inside, seeing how much extra he had to do for her.

All the phone calls he kept having to make or answer, trying to keep things together from afar. The time spent in front of a computer or borrowing her fax to ferry paperwork.

When she asked Jian about his work and if he was having difficulties, he would merely smile and tell her that it was nothing. Jian told her that he said he would make time for her and that was what he was doing.

On the second night after he brought up leaving, as she made them a simple noodle meal, she heard him speaking in a terse voice. Leaning against the back of the door to the kitchen she could hear him agitatedly speaking under his breath, trying to conceal his troubles. As she listened with her hand tightened around her spatula, feeling her stomach shrink.

‘This is my fault.’ Clutching onto the feeling Chang went back to making food for the two of them. They ended up being slightly overcooked due to her overweighed mind but he never seemed to mind like always.

‘You know if you’re upset you can tell me, I’m sure it’s not always fine..’

At night as she lay in his arms, Chang lay awake counting down the seconds in the darkness. She knew she would have to make a choice soon.

On one hand she could close her eyes, make the jump, and leave with him. But the fear of Shanghai with his father waiting in it, and the fear of being torn away forcefully were something she could not bear to go through.

On the other though there was a looming possibility that she would have to say goodbye, as he had to return and she could not leave with him to go there. Especially if she would just be torn from him in the end, it would be better to leave peacefully intact. At the thought of that though, her heart bled grievously.

Either choice ate away at her from the inside though and she cried a few silent, bitter tears in the night when Jian could not see.

He was insistent on leaving, saying that it would be safe. Chang knew living on opposite ends of the world separately would be no good for either of them. If he left and she did not go with him, it would be over.

‘I need to tell him I can’t go with him. He’s leaving and I can’t go with him. I’m only tying him down and hindering him. I can’t do this anymore, I can’t keep wasting his time. I know how important he is. If I truly love him I should set him free, and not make him sit in this place of wavering like I have.

“Plus I’m sure he’ll find someone else even better than me in every way. One without all the emotional baggage. Though as for me..”

Thinking about it Chang felt hot tears slip out over her lower lids unbidden.

Sensing her stop, Jian turned and looked at her with a quizzical expression. As he stood a few paces Chang memorized every detail of the man she loved dearly.

With the sun shining through his hair, it picked up on the hints of gold and red here and there in his dark hair setting off his eyes. His beautiful deep amber eyes with those beautiful golden flecks she could have stared at every day.

“I should have.”

The beautiful tanned skin that seemed to glow with his inner warmth and fire. His strong square jaw with his long straight nose, his thick expressive brows. His full lips, almost always curved into a pleasant curve.

“I love kissing those lips. I love when he kisses me with those beautiful lips, he makes me feel so good.”

His tall broad-shouldered figure packed with muscles from years of being active. His strong yet gentle hands, that she had seen destroy someone with and yet could gently caress her.

‘I love him so much. How can I leave him. If I didn’t die before when I lost my mom right after my dad, I know I would now. My heart can’t take much more. I’m weak so much weaker than I thought.