Siren Song - 218 What I Want To Do And What I Canno

“Why ever not?”

“You know why, I’ve told you. You don’t seem to understand just how much of a threat your father really is.”

“No I do, which is why I snuffed out the threat before he could burn us further. You do not need to be afraid of him any longer.” Grabbing her upper arms Jian stared at her intensely, incensed.

“Not if I don’t go with you. If I do, I will always have to have that fear. I will always be looking over my shoulder. I will always have to fear leaving your shadow, that’s not living Jian. I’ve come to realize that, you know I want to live with you, but not like that.”

“Then what do you want?”

‘I want to live with you. I want to go back with you and make a home. I want to dance with you until late at night. I want to wake up and have your face be the first thing I see. Then at the end of the day have it be the last..’

“Chang.” Tightening his fingers around her arm almost painfully, Chang came back to the painful reality where he waited for her answer.

“What I can’t have.”

“You can. I know you have been given may reasons to fear, but have you not also been given just as many to trust me? Do you not believe in me stronger than you fear my father?” Narrowing his eyes at her, Chang felt like her heart was stabbed by his sharp look.

“Chang do you not believe in me?” The second time he asked Jian’s voice had a rougher edge to it, almost worn.

“I do..” Unable to bear the him sounding like that, Chang answered him while nodding lightly.

“I do not believe you do, otherwise why would you speak about us just parting ways so easily?Especially after all that we have surmounted.”

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“This is not easy, I have been thinking about this long and hard for several days now.” Clasping her hands Chang picked at her fingers nervously with the other hand. As she did Jian, one of Jian’s hands released her arm and covered her hands, squeezing it tight.

“There is an easier way.” Speaking gently, she could feel him trying to coax her heart. The more he pulled the further it tore open.

“This is the easist way Jian. I wish there was another way for us, but there isn’t. This is where we need to part ways, we are on divergent paths now leading us to different places.”

“This is a choice, you are choosing to walk another path.”

“Which is why you need to leave me behind.”

“So you will leave me, right here, right now.” The man before her spoke flatly, barely containing the anger she could see growing behind his eyes with pain.

“I have to. The longer I spend with you the harder it becomes.”

“How heartless. Maybe it is harder because you realize somewhere deep down that this is wrong, that this is not what you should do.”

‘I know it is wrong but I dont have a better option available.’ Pursing her lips Chang looked down and away in regret.

“Look at me, quit looking away from me all the time and avoiding me.” Shocking her, causing her to jump slightly, Jian raised his voice in anger at her. “Look me in the eye and tell me honestly what you want.”

“Looking up at him Chang gave him an apologetic smile, she tried to smile brightly for him once more, but it was a broken wavering thing. Refusing to avoid his gaze, she looked up and tried her hardest not to break in front of him.

“Jian, I want you to fulfill your goals in life. I want you to be happy and live a good life.

I want you to marry again, but only if you want, and have a good life with whomever you choose. I want you to take care of your health too. Don’t smoke too much too much, it’s not good for you, maybe avoid getting shot in the future too, that’s not good for you either.” Chang tried to chuckle but it was broken and hollow like she was becoming.

“I don’t want you to always have to cater to me and my fears, and not be able to live freely. You should strive for your future. I am apart of the past you need to leave behind, I’m only holding you back. It is time for us to move from here. It is time for you to leave me.”

“Chang is that what you really want?” His voice hoarse, Jian’s eyes searched her questioningly.

“It’s what I need. Jian, thank you. Farewell.” Continuing to look at him Chang stepped back and pulled herself from his grasp. As she pulled he released her hesitantly, his hands still held out in the air. Crushed by the image, Chang took a few deep breaths and turned away.

Walking away Chang held her head low as she let her tears flow. Along with the sharp clicks from her heels, she could hear the last bit of her heart crackling and crumbling down; bleeding out with her tears. As if in protest to her actions, her scarf tossed and whipped in the wind behind her, fluttering towards the man she left standing behind her.

‘It’s a clean break this is healthy. I don’t know how much time I will need, but I will heal from this too. Instead of waiting for me, and catering to my fears always he should do right for himself and his future.

‘I just wish I could be part of that future.