Spiderweb - 156 Wallow

She slept better than she had anticipated and woke up feeling a lot lighter than usual. It wasn’t normal, but the normal she knew when she lived outside of the walls that confined her now. ’20 min…’ she thought to herself, ‘that’s more than enough time.’ She looked up at the clock and let out a deep breath. ‘More than enough time to think..’

She had given in to her thoughts. Not to the words, but to the idea that she would continue hearing them. It was one of the reasons why she woke up 20 minutes before Antonin would arrive with her lunch. It was time for her to think about the thoughts that swirled in her mind, time for them to foster and to build in her mind, for her to wallow in the self-degrading, self-motivation, and self-harming thoughts her mind liked to conjure.

As much as she understood she needed time for them, she didn’t want to hear them just as much. That was the second reason why she woke up 20 minutes before Antonin’s arrival. It was just enough time for her to lay in bed and think but enough that she wouldn’t get pulled into the waves of thoughts and start to drown in them. She didn’t want to think in her bottomless pit anymore. She just wanted to know what was on her mind to better understand herself.

That wave of thought had hit her when she was with Antonin earlier that morning. The fact that someone such as himself, with his bright smiles, his cheery way of speaking, and even the little things he did that made her feel better about herself was someone that lived with another mind in his head.

A completely different person, a completely different personality, and different views on life than himself. It was surprising how someone like him could remain as he was while he had that many thoughts in his mind. It made her wonder why exactly she thought like she did. Made her wonder what right she had to think like she did. She didn’t have two people in her body, didn’t have two minds, two personalities, or two different ways of approaching life so why was she beating up her one mind on the things that it did or thought.

If he can battle it out with two minds then why can’t she, having only one mind learn how to deal with herself. The way she was acting right now was the way someone would expect Antonin to act, not some young CEO who had her entire life ahead of her but made one mistake and then hated her entire life because of it.

That thinking, that emotion, that little slither of hope was what brought her to act like she was doing at the moment. She liked the fact that she was around such a strong person and wanted to use everything in her power to be more like him. To smile more and to care more about other people.

That was the lesson she needed to learn from what she was facing at the moment. That was what she was planning to do.

Regan looked up at the ceiling, a small smile passing on her face.

‘Why does it feel like I heard that from somewhere before?’ she chuckled as she sat back up, her head looking up at the clock on the wall. It was 11:50 pm, simply 10 minutes before Antonin and Ryder would arrive.

‘Who will be the main one to speak to now?’ Regan thought to herself. ‘Antonin or Ryder~ Ryder or Antonin~’

It was one of the upsides of having Antonin around her. Having to try and guess who she would be talking to more than the other. ‘Earlier today it was a mix of them… would it be just them now? Or just like earlier when it was both of them?’ Regan thought to herself.

It was at moments like this, one of the few moments so far that she wonders about why she was acting so different now. Afterall, it had only been a few days since he left and Antonin began serving. Why had her personality changed so much?

She smiled as she looked up at the grey ceiling again. She felt more like herself, calmer, more ready to communicate with others. But of course, there was that lingering feeling hanging behind her head. That intrusive thought. One that reminded her of what happened earlier, one that ate at the moments of glee she just had.

Her eyes lowered and dimmed. She was reminded of the reason why she felt the little dread in her mind when she woke up. She looked down at her wrists, tightly bandaged by multiple layers of bandages she presumed to cover up what was underneath, the deep long lines of her insanity. The reminders that told her she wasn’t normal, her wake up call to the reality she was trying to leave.

It didn’t sting all that much anymore. It had earlier that morning when she had looked down at the same cut. Everything had stung in the morning. Everything stung now. She looked up at the clock. ’11:55, 5 minutes before they arrive,’ she thought to herself, ‘damn it.’

Everything that had been on her mind, every promise she had thought of just mere minutes ago was starting to break apart, slowly falling into pieces as she remembered everything from that morning. She pulled her legs to her chest and let out a deep sigh, her eyes looking up at the grey ceiling. They looked like a deeper shade than before. Like a shade closer to black, a shade closer to how she felt at the moment.

She looked up at the time, her heart dropping when she noticed the clock’s hand move once again. ’11:56,’ she thought to herself.

She wanted to turn back time to mere minutes ago, when she had the smile on her face, when she was ready to face life with a bright smile. She wanted to go back to that time. It felt so far away now, like it was just a fraction of a dream she had. Her hand trembled and she could feel light stings from her cuts. A smile appeared on her face. It was weak, barely making it past the thin line her lips had held. It was a reflection of sadness.

A light chuckle rolled off her tongue as she looked back up at the clock, her head resting on her knees, as she pulled her legs closer to her chest. ‘Damn it…’ she thought to herself.

‘Get it together… get it together…’ she thought to herself as the ticks and tocks of the clock reached her ears. Tears formed in her eyes. “Get it together.. Get it together…” she muttered as a tear rolled off her cheeks. Her breaths got shallow and her mind began to fill with thoughts.

She was drowning.

“Get it together… get it together,” Regan muttered. As she looked up at the clock again. “Get it together,” she murmured, her head lowering deeper into her things as her head kept on filling with thoughts. She clutched her chest and let out deep breaths, her eyes opening widely as her heart began to thump harder and faster. ‘I can’t breathe..’ she thought to herself, ‘I can’t breathe…’

Tears rolled down her cheeks as she muttered to herself. “Get it together..” she muttered as her mind whispers in a breathy rushed speech. ‘I can’t breathe… I can’t breathe…’

She looked up at the clock, immediately pulling her head out of her leg and her trembling hands rising to her face as she rushed to wipe her tears. Roughly and quickly, she ran her clothing over her face. Trying to wipe the tears that ran down her face. ‘I can’t breathe… get it together…’ she thought to herself as she hurriedly wiped her face with her trembling hands. ‘It’s 12:00 pm.. Get it together, get it together…’ she thought as she stood up from her seat on the ground, her quivering legs, staggering and bringing her to the ground.

Her knees fall harshly to the ground, sending a bolt of pain up her body. ‘Get up.. Get up..’ she thought to herself as her shaking hand clutched the edge of her small table. Her eyes dimmed, her eyelids closing and opening as she pulled herself up from the ground with the help of the table, trembling when the table tipped to the side a bit from the weight on the side of it.

Her knees banged against the floor again and tears run down her face as she makes another attempt to stand up, this time putting a lot more force into her legs as she stood up. Her trembling legs locked as they pushed her off the ground and the table tipped for a second before setting back on the ground.

Regan’s eyes look up at the clock nervously and she immediately began her walk to her bathroom, her legs wavering as she quickly ran to the door of her bathroom.

A buzz rang throughout the room and Regan’s head darted to her door, fear blazing in her eyes. She was horrified. Quickly, she shoved her body at the door of the bathroom, her hands shaking as they turned the hand of the bathroom door quickly, her eyes widening when it opened.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

Regan’s eyes draw to the door as the knocks resonate in her ears.

“I’m coming in,” Antonin called out, his voice in a light tone.

In the last seconds, Regan pushed her body inside the bathroom, being careful to close the door lightly. She quickly shuffled to the tub, her quivering hands reaching for the knobs that control the showerhead. Swiftly, she turns them, jumping back a bit when the water comes rushing out of the showerhead. Hot steam brushes her skin as the showerhead pumped out water.