The Four Sisters - Chapter 6

At this point, you know how and when our darkness manifested. As for when and how exactly we contracted it, even I myself do not know the answers. I only know and write my own experiences. I can’t answer all my own questions, let alone anyone else’s. I may have lived through this ordeal for years, but I am no expert. I’m not entirely sure an expert in the darkness even exists.

By the point that my families darkness’s were already manifesting, I was sixteen years old, just entering into adulthood. This is the age that many people are coming into their own. The age that they discover just who they are, and, many times, when they get into the most trouble.

Unfortunately, my sisters and I were unable to enjoy out time in our young adult years. Instead, we had to worry about whether of not we would be able to make it to the next day, alive, safe, and sane.

During the time that our darkness was manifesting, my sisters and I were still attending school. Though, my youngest sister did not graduate and my oldest sister’s schooling was very different than ours, often, we did not consider her to have graduated, myself and my second sister were both able to finish elementary, middle and high school and graduate successfully from all three. Often, when I remember back, I am quite surprised that we were able to push through everything happening and graduate successfully. It wasn’t as if our darkness was considerate of us sitting in a silent classroom, taking a test. They didn’t care f we were in the bathroom, with others our age waiting in line. It would reach out to my sister and brush her hair from her face and she tried to stay silent during that test. It would leave me there, in the bathroom stall for hours, gone from reality, while others waited and called for held. The excuses we gave grew longer and more complex, after all, you can only tell them you merely hadn’t gotten enough sleep the night before so many times before they start to get suspicious.

As I have said before, however, we, at this point, or at least I at this point, did not know that our situations were unique. In fact, I had always believed that it was something that everyone went through, but no one spoke about. I figured that there were others who did not have such severe cases, even accepted that there were perhaps people that did not have to deal with the darkness at all. But, I still thought it was normal, to some extent. I thought that perhaps I was weaker then others, that maybe the darkness wasn’t as bad as I made it out to be. Other’s didn’t complain about it. It was a source of embarrassment for me. Why couldn’t I do as others? Why couldn’t I just function in a normal capacity like others?

My youngest sister’s manifestation was quite similar to my own. Though, it seemed harder for her. While I was able to stay on track with my studies, she was not. She was behind in her studies; her darkness took her education from her. I think this brought her embarrassment. I do not blame or judge her for giving up her education. I know how hard it is. I know how it feels when you can’t be sure if what you’ve just heard was realor imagined. If your memories are real, if who you are is real.

By the time I finished my schooling, I had spoke about my darkness with one other outside of my family. A boy that I had met and fallen in love with. At least, at the time I believed that I had fallen in love. I look back now, and realize that I was only hiding behind him. You see, when I was with him, I never had any of my manifestation symptoms surface. At first, I did not notice that my darkness went into remission around the boy. In his presence, it was as if the darkness could not reach me. I began to know myself at that time. OrI thought that I began to know myself. I was wrong, as I often am. I was only becoming who I thought others wanted me to be. I placed this boy and his friends and his family high above my own family. High above myself. My insecurities grew, though I did not notice. I tried too hard to be who he and those around him wanted me to be. I say that I told him about my darkness and my situation, but that isn’t entirely true. I told him about the disappearance of my father and spoke of my mother’s ever increasing mood swings. If I had spoken more in depth about my families’ situation, perhaps I would have known earlier that it was far more unique and strange than I originally believed it to be. Perhaps, I would have then been able to attempt to understand it earlier and tried to rid myself and my family of it. It may have worked. It may not have been too late. Maybe, by the time that we finally did something about it, it had been inside us for too long. Had already become a part of us, a part of who we were. Are. If I had tried to do something beforemaybe could have been able to live the rest of our lives without the darkness. Without the ever present fear and caution.

As it was, I was not the only one that noticed a disappearance of my darkness while in the presence of this boy. My second sister also noticed it. She too wanted to be in his presence. I think back now, with my future knowledge and wonder it I was perhaps wrong in my analysis of her intentions. They would write each other letter, just as he and I would write to each other. I didn’t like that. I didn’t like that he was giving her his attention as he would me. That jealousy that I had developed towards her as a child reared it’s head once more. I demanded he stop writing to her. Demanded that he no longer return her letters.

He did as I asked.

To this day, I do not know what they wrote about. When I asked to see the letters that she had sent him, he refused. I knew their letters were longer and more in depth than our own. I had seen them. When he wrote to me, he would write perhaps a page, at most. When he wrote to herthere were many pages. I asked one day why his responses were so much longer when he wrote to her. His reply is what caused me to ask that he stop writing her. He told me that my own letters had little substance in them, that I was writing only to write. But hershe said that he could not reply or answer them with only a few words or sentences. He needed to write much more in order to respond. I was afraid then. Afraid that he would see that there was nothing inside of me. Nothing, except what the darkness had placed there. So, I betrayed my sister for a boy that I thought was my first love.

I thinkshe needed him. Needed someone to pull her back from that ever extending hand in her shadow. I denied her that. I left her to deal with that sinister darkness all alone due to my own selfishness and low confidence. I have said before, I am no hero. And, I say now; I am selfish. I needed to feel that the earth I stood upon was real. He gave that to me. I did not even consider that my own sister needed the same thing. Needed someone to show her that the darkness was defend-able against. I took so much from her

My relationship with my second sister, at this point, reached an all time low. She detested me, as I detested her. It’s regrettable. We were so close, yet by the time we reached the age that we should have been the most carefree and loving, we instead hated each other. I was so preoccupied with myself that I pushed all knowledge about my families struggle from my mind. I focused entirely on myself and my own problems. When that darkness reached out from the shadows and nearly stole my sister from this world right in front of me, I pretended not to see. When my youngest sister was having trouble connecting with this world, I forgot my own previous struggles and blamed her. I forced myself to be someone that I wasn’t, in the hopes that the boy would never leave me. Never leave me as I had left my family. Alone and surrounded by the darkness.