The Four Sisters - Chapter 8 A New Journey

I stayed there, with my mother, for a while. Then, I returned to that boy. My life with him after returning was short. Things that I thought I knew about him and my relationship with him were very wrong. I thought that, since I had been with him for so long, he knew and understood what I was going through. But, as I have said before, I did not tell him anything. I did not act as myself around him. I was away from him for so long; I lost that persona that I once adapted in front of him. I lost who I was once pretending to be and found it difficult to revert back. His friends spurned me. It wasn’t long until he did as well.

My sisters had given up on my mother during this time. They were living apart from her. I stayed in contact, but my letters were full of woe and misfortune. She had allowed me to leave her and return to that boy, but very soon regretted her decision. She realized, as I realized, that the boy was not equipped to handle the darkness. He was unable to help any longer. Though I was able to find temporary reprieve before, it did not continue after our second meeting. Sure, I was able to stay in reality, but the reality that I was in was like a cage. And, I felt that darkness inside me still. I knew it was there, waiting, watching. Before, when I had moved away with my family, I was able to develop a lie for myself. That maybe my darkness was gone and I would no longer have to endure. Then, I found that I was wrong, utterly, miserably wrong. My darkness was still there, and was able to take control at any time. This frightened me. It made me more dependent on the boy. I think I overwhelmed him. I don’t blame him. I attributed myself and my worth to with, that’s a lot of pressure to put on an eighteen year old. My mother hated him for being unable to help. Hated him for giving us hope. I hated him too. I hated him because I once saw him as my savior, when in reality; he was only able to offer a temporary boon from my suffering. I thought he could fix me, take my darkness away or at least shield me from it. I was wrong.

I only ever wanted to be protected. Wanted to hide away from my darkness and let it be unable to find me ever again. But, the darkness can always find you, because it never leaves you.

After a while, it seemed that the darkness was beginning to creep into those around me, causing them to feel disdain towards me. I returned to the boy for a safe haven, and instead found a minefield of hatred and exasperation. The boy left me. He left me there with no one. I, still desperate for a relief from the darkness, clung to him without shame. Even when he showed very clearly that he did not want me, did not want to help me. Still, I clung, refusing to give up.

It wasn’t until the day my mother was able to trick me into coming back to her that I left. She tempted me with happiness and relief. I hated her for it. I hated her and her new lover. But, I had nowhere to go. I was brought to my mother’s side, and there I stayed. I was lost. I looked around and, for the first time since childhood, finally realized the state that my family was in.

I had blocked everything out before, allowed the darkness to cloud my vision. I looked around me and foundmy sisters were not there. My mother was slowly transforming further and further into someone that I did not recognize. My father was gone. My eldest sister was gone. I realized then, that I was alone. Completely, utterly.

The worst thing about the darkness, I would say, is that it allows you choices, then manipulated you into choosing the wrong choice. Free will is still there, sort of. So, when I saw the state that my family was in, I didn’t blame myself, I knew that it was partially my fault. This was the time I regretted most that I was not religious. I wanted to be forgiven, but did not believe. I tried desperately to find a way to believe. I failed. So, I did what the darkness wanted me to do. I made a choice. I chose to change. Though, I do not thing that I chose to change in a way that the darkness wanted. I began to look inside myself. I began to search. I went out, back to those trees that housed the Pit and played at the edges of that forest. All the while, I was numb to most anything. If someone grew angry with me, I did not hate them or blame them in return. I learned to forgive others, because I desperately wanted to forgive myself for everything that I saw as my own doing. For hurting those closest to me, for not caring when I should have.

Slowly, during this time, the darkness grew quiet, though did not disappear.

O was not a foolish as before. I knew that it was still there, that if I fought against it, it would only fight harder. So, I adapted a new strategy. I decided to try to coexist and understand my darkness. This was the wrong choise overall, but was able to lead me to the right choice. It was necessary for me to do this, though incredibly dangerous. For, if I truly was able to understand and accept my darkness, I would no longer exist in this world.

I set aside time for my darkness to take over my mind and steal away my spirit. Though it did not entirely adhere to the schedule I set for it, it did seem to help. I was able to focus and what I found when I did, was stillwrong.

As I said before, my family was scattered. My sister’s lives were fragmented. My eldest sister and father were missing. My mother was a victim. I needed a way to change this, but I did not know how.

I spent a lot of time just trying to cope with reality and the fantastical maze that my darkness would thrust me into on a regular basis. I had no way of contacting my younger sisters; they left nothing behind that would allow me to do so.

So, what I did was watch and wait.

I began, at this time, to realize the true extent of my mother’s manifestation and descent into the darkness. She was almost entirely consumed. I made another wrong choice at that time. I chose to ignore it. I chose to distance myself, afraid that her darkness would bring my own out with a vengeance. Eventually, I too left my mother. I left her there to deal with the darkness on her own.

I then decided to search for my younger sisters. I wanted a better way to deal with the darkness. I wanted support. In my heartI never believed that the darkness could ever truly be forgotten or erased. AndI wonder sometimes, if my inability to believe in a way out is what keeps it within me.

Once you live through something such as the darkness, your find it hard to believe that there will ever be an end to it. You become afraid to believe there is a way out, a way to live life happily and normally. You believe this because you’ve experienced it, but you’re unsure if you’ve experienced the worst of it. What if what you have already gone through was mere child’s play? What if it was only the beginning? The darkness has a will of its own, I’ve seen it, felt it. Would it not fight with all its strength to remain? Would it not come out with something far more sinister and terrible if one was to actually try to get rid of it?

I do not think I am strong enough to fight against it to the very end. I do not know if I will ever be strong enough. I cannot let my guard down. I cannot forget about it. It is there, I watch it, monitor it. But, I dare not try to eradicate it. How can I, when I do not even fully understand it?

So, I left my mother. I left her there with her lover that did not understand her slight and went to search for my sisters.

If I had known what I would findperhaps I would have hated myself further for leaving them to deal with everything on their own.