The Last Snow: Love Me Once Again For A Year - Chapter 187

Dear Chunghee,

How are you doing out there? Do you eat well?

Since the last time we met, you look much thinner than before. I’m sure that it’s not because Kim didn’t take good care of you, but that you refused to take care of yourself. Don’t act like that. Don’t torture yourself just because you hate one person.

From now on, don’t hesitate to ask Kim anything, he will give you anything you want.

Not like myself.

A few days ago, I visited Seoul University. I see not much has changed. The park you frequented also didn’t change, even the atmosphere over there didn’t change.

As I sat there, I remembered how we used to spend a lot of time in that park and I suddenly felt nostalgic for our youth.

Back to the past. From the first time I saw you, I somehow felt that we were the right match. I thought I admired you, but as time went on, I felt that the feeling I had wasn’t just admiration, but love. So, from then on, I ventured to confess my feelings to you. And since it might seem rushed, what I got was a rejection.

Since then, I’d been chasing you like crazy. I still remember, at that time I confessed my feelings six times, and six times I got a rejection from you. Luckily, by the time I confessed my feelings once again, you finally accepted me. You just don’t know how happy I was that I couldn’t sleep, worried that what happened that day was a dream.

I just want you to know.

After visiting the university, I went to my hometown which is in Gwangju but didn’t stay there long. I intend to go back to my old house and meet my parents to apologize even though it’s quite late. However, the house had already been sold by them. There were two kids who said that to me, who called me ‘uncle’.

Am I that old? Maybe so … I’m starting to turn gray too.

Then, I went to the grave of your parent in Jeju. I came just to apologize to her for not being able to take care of you. I feel ashamed. But, what can I do? I once promised her to always be with you, but in the end, I didn’t keep that promise. If she lives, what do you think she will do to me? Smack me on the face? It’s not even worth what I’ve done to you.

It’s really hard to say that to your parent. I even endured it for days, even now.

I can only hope that she will forgive me one day.

For today, the weather in Seoul is terrible, even it has been going on since a few days ago. Many people complain because of the weather. One of them is an elderly couple who lives a few doors from our place. You know them, don’t you?

A few days ago she had been nagging because her plants were freezing, but instead, she blamed her husband. I just smiled seeing their close relationship.

I thought at the time if only we didn’t break up, I want us to be like that elder couple. I want you to nag me with love. It must be great. If only we can make our dream come true to live together until we get old; and when we retire one day, we will spend the rest of our lives in Jeju, and reminisce about our youth. Imagine, how wonderful those times will be.

However, how old are we now? We even need to take years more to make the dream come true but in the end, our relationship ended halfway.

This is my fault. It was my fault from the start.

Chunghee, I’ve been feeling unwell lately. My chest often aches, maybe because of the cardiac issue that I have. It hurts so much. Cigarettes and alcohol, all of them make me suffer. But, what can I do? I can’t get away from them.

However, if you come to me one more time, and ask me to stop, I won’t hesitate anymore. Unfortunately, no matter how often I wait for you to come home, you wouldn’t want to fulfill it, would you?

Then, my emotions are also unstable. When I’m alone, I sometimes get angry and hate myself, then suddenly regret it. I also often feel sad and cry, but once I see the world and its people, I want to always smile even though my heart hurts.

I’m actually a crybaby. You know that, right? You also know that I often sulk too. But, why did you take me seriously then?

I was angry at that time. I know I was angry. But, why did you take my words seriously when I was angry? Why did you leave when I asked you to leave? Why did you leave me?

I sometimes laugh when I ask myself the questions but I ask them anyway. Am I right to ask you something like that?

You already gave me the answer that time. I shouldn’t have to ask anything.

Chunghee, I’ve been missing you a lot here. I’ve been missing you more than ever before. I don’t know why either. I just keep feeling restless. I want to meet you one more time. If you don’t want to see me, then don’t see me and look away, just let me take this chance.

But, unfortunately, you will never let me.

Therefore, every night I dream about you. It’s a nightmare because in my dreams you always leave me. See? Even in my dreams, you still don’t want to see me, let alone in the real life.

Back then, you were always waiting for me. Now, it’s my turn to wait for you, even I was through the new year alone. But, I’m not as strong as you who can last long enough. For me, one day is driving me crazy.

I’m angry with myself and I’m disappointed in myself.

Chunghee, is this wrong? Is that why God is giving me trouble right now?

In the past, I left my parents for someone precious to me. But, now, someone I considered most precious left me, leaving me alone …

Chunghee, tell me, am I wrong?

But, if this is indeed a mistake, I have no regrets at all.

With you, I regret nothing.

The only thing that makes me regret in this world is my failure not to keep our relationship until the end.

During this time, I have given you a lot of suffering and hurt you. I have ignored your feelings where you love me a lot. I’m stupid.

You should have smack me in the face harder when we met. I want you to punish me with your strength. Not saying the word ‘break up’. I’d rather be hurt physically than hurt in my heart and your words at that time managed to silence me.

I’m sorry.

No matter how many times I say ‘I’m sorry’, I know it’s useless.

When you said how hurt you had been during our meeting, I thought that I had truly made you suffer all this time.

However, there was something that made me pleased at the time. When I asked you if you regret being with me and you said ‘no’. It will be something I will hold on to until I die.

Thank you.

In exchange, I will keep my promise. You don’t want to see me, do you? You also want me to disappear from your life, don’t you? Alright then, I’ll gladly do that.

Although I don’t know the meaning of ‘disappear’ you said at that time, so I did something according to my own understanding.

I will leave and disappear as you wish and I can assure you that I won’t regret anything.

I also thought about disappearing a long ago as I believe that in that way, you will return home and we will meet again even though our worlds are already different.

After all, what’s the point of me living in this world?

Didn’t I also say that I can’t live without you? It’s not just words.

I don’t want to suffer any longer. I don’t want to die because of this suffering. So, I choose to end it by myself before God used the cruelest way to end my life.

Chunghee, I’m sorry.

But, I don’t want to leave without giving you anything. So, I leave money for your medical expenses. Use it. Let Kim cover your living expenses while you’re with him, but let me cover your medical expenses. I only want to leave a good impression on you. During this time, I’ve always left a bad impression on you, so give me this one chance.

Regarding the land, I’ve asked Hoonsik to sell it and donate the money. And our house, what do you think? You no longer live there, so Is it for rent or should it be sold? It depends on you. If it’s for sale, don’t sell it too cheaply and overpriced. People won’t want to purchase it.

Well, I think it’s time to say goodbye.

This is the first letter I’ve written after years of quitting, and it will also be the last letter from me.

I’d love for you to read it to find out what’s in my heart if it’s possible because I would never say something like this directly to you. I’m shy to express my true feelings through my lips, so I’m writing you this letter.

And, if you’re reading this letter, can I ask you something?

If in the next life we ​​meet again, will you give me one more chance? I promise, when we meet again, I will be a better person for you.

People say that the dead will not bring their evil to death. I also knew my mistakes, so in the next life, I will ind you, and say, “Chunghee, let’s make up.”

However, I don’t want to rush. I’ve been rushing in my life right now and in the end, I failed. I don’t want to fail a second time.

You, enjoy your life now. I can still wait for you.

No matter how long you make me wait, I will always wait for you.

Lastly, one thing you should know that I still love you a lot. Even if the earth is not willing and the sky is reluctant to give us a blessing, I will always love you.

You are the only one I love in my entire life.

Regards.

Lee Donghwa, the person who always awaits and loves you.

Seoul, February 13, 2014

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