The Paladin Order Reformed - Chapter 45

All the knights that surrendered were taken captive, along with the old man that tried to kill the king. Unfortunately, I had to kill that woman to save him. My hands shook as they dragged her lifeless body away, I saw completely through her skull where my [Lance of Light] penetrated.

After my adrenaline wore off and the reality of what I’ve done struck me, vile began rising in my throat. The king was laughing with me as I talked with him, but even as I laughed, I felt sick to my stomach.

His majesty, Sir William, dismissed us to a pair of guest rooms as he left to announce the situation to the rest of his cabinet and leaders in the city. I was escorted to a room by some palace knights, as soon as they closed the door, my knees buckled and I fell to the floor.

The contents of my stomach spattered against the pristine marble floor, I was gagging and I retched until every drop from my stomach was on the floor. Spittle dripped from my mouth like strings as I gasped for air, breathing raggedly.

I looked down at my hands, turning them to look at my palms, they felt so dirty. It feels as though my hands are covered in filth and grime, but they were completely clean. I wiped them against my pants, desperately trying to clean them from the invisible blood that stuck to my palms. My hands shook and my body quivered violently….I’m a monster.

I kneeled on the floor shaking, I move back against the wall, holding my head to my knees. I grip my hair panting. I see that woman face, the moment her life ends played constantly in my mind. I saw her standing seconds before a hole appeared in her head as she slumped to the ground lifelessly.

Her death replayed in my mind constantly, like a parasite that wormed its way through my thoughts, consuming everything in my mind. I muffle a scream as bile rose in my throat, but it’s just a feint since there’s nothing remaining in my stomach.

A tear falls down my cheek as I stare thoughtlessly up at the ceiling with glistening eyes.

“I killed a person, why is this bothering me so much? Haven’t I killed hundreds of demons?” I think as the scenes of me viciously hunting demons flashes through my mind, but the image of her lifeless body overtakes those visions.

I slump to the ground holding the sides of my head with tears streaming down my face, as they drip on the cold uncaring tiles. My entire body shutters and shakes as my throat begins to close, making it hard to breathe, as if my body trying to cut off the sobs that try to choke out.

I crumple to the ground, holding my legs to my chest, I look out blankly through the windows overlooking the beautiful scenery. I don’t acknowledge the beauty of it, I can’t see any of it because of the visions that forcibly play in my mind. Faces flash through my mind, all of them mangled or framed with the blank look of death.

A knock sounds from the door, I look blankly at it, before I try and compose myself by wiping my face. I try to stand, but my legs buckle under me and I stumble into a pool of vomit. The door opens and Jake walks in.

“Christian, are you ok? I heard screaming from in here…” He looks at me laying in a pool of my own vomit, his face alight with concern and disgust.

I quickly try and stand, forcing my shaking knees to stop as I rise. “I…I’m fine…sorry to worry you, you can leave.”

He doesn’t by it, he grabs under my arm and helps me onto the bed. I sit on the edge of the bed, shaking, unable to meet his eyes.

“Christian, what’s wrong? You look terrible.” He says with brutal honesty, I try and smile.

“Its nothing, I’m just not feeling that good,” I say trying to make up an excuse, but even I know its a terrible attempt at lying.

He grips my shoulders hard and looks me in the eyes.

“I’ve seen that look before, its the same look you had after Rachel, and the rest were wiped out. I thought you were getting better, why didn’t you talk to me about this.” He demands.

I pull out of his grip, raising my voice.

“I was! I don’t know, after killing that woman, memories started flooding me. Well, more than usual, I couldn’t handle it…god knows I tried, but look at me.”

I stand extending my arms out, letting him view me completely. My armor glistens with my own sweat, vomit coats the mail and plates, staining the cloth a sickly green, and my eyes are red-rimmed and puffy.

“I fell to the ground and I couldn’t stop the flood of visions!” I grab my hair yelling quietly. “I hear voices, well not voices, but screams. I can’t go to sleep without killing someone in my dreams, every time I take a life, I relive it in my dreams and their screams drown out my own thoughts. I can’t even run from it, I can only wake up in a cold swear and try and keep myself awake so I don’t have to do it again.”

I grip Jake’s wrist. “That’s just it, you know how we had to kill a few demons on our way here?”

He shook his head slowly, cautiously watching my expression.

“I… I didn’t want to kill them. I haven’t wanted to kill anyone, but when I thought about letting them leave all I could think about was them killing Lili. I couldn’t stop imagining them killing Sir Richard, or Lili, or Aliece, or even you. So I killed them, but even then I was ok. Every night I hope the nightmares would end, they didn’t.

I was coping, I was able to go the whole day without thinking about all the lives I took, but it changed when I killed that woman. I can’t stop thinking about her lifeless body, my hands feel so filthy. Sure, before the lives I was taking were demons, but I took a human’s life!

I swore to put other’s lives before my own, I swore to only take lives when it couldn’t be avoided. I…I can’t do this… Jake…. I’m just 17 yet I’ve killed so much. I’m so terrified…Jake, what do I do!”

I began breathing rapidly, hyperventilating. Jake slapped me across the cheek. It stung and it tingled even after the pain subsided. I looked up at him with confusion.

He shouted at me, with a harsh tone I’ve never heard before while pushing me on the bed. “Christian, shut up! Please, just shut up and calm down.”

I tried to listen, breathing deep breaths.

“Listen to yourself, you’re a god damn legend, did you not know that? I don’t want to inflate your head even more than it is already, but you’ve saved people. I don’t even know how many countless people were saved by you. So calm down, you’re not some deranged serial killer that murdered hundreds of innocent people. You kill to save, to preserve the lives of the innocent, that’s not something to lose sleep over.” He sighs and grabs a chair, pulling it in front of me and sitting down.

“Look at me, how old am I?” I freeze, trying to remember. “You’re 20ish?”

He shakes his head. “I’m 18, I want you to know that. We’re not so different.” He looks down at the ground, pausing before he goes on.

“You remember when I told you at that tavern that I was in a gang?” I nod.

“Well that was when I was ten, when I was initiated my first job was to collect some money from a retired soldier that was spending the last bit of his life in the country. He didn’t pay all of his money back because of how steep the interest was, the old man thought it wasn’t fair, so he just paid what he thought he should have.

They made me go there and take the rest of it by force, one of the older members accompanied me to make sure that I followed through. When I got there he made me beat the old man until he paid what he owed.”

I grimaced at the thought, but his expression said it wouldn’t get any better.

“He was half dead by the time he finally coughed up the money, the guy that accompanied me knew the old man had a stache of money he saved up after getting out of the military…..He wanted the stache, he promised to give me a portion of it if I got the old man to tell us the location. I didn’t want to, but he promised to get the others to forgive some of our debt…..I agreed.

I tortured that old man….Just to get help my family. He eventually told us the location, but not after hed lost all the fingers on one hand and some on the other. I put the knife through what was left of his hand, pinning it to the table. I still remember his screams, they haunted my dream for as long as I can remember.

That old man died right in front of me, a 10 year old kid, had to watch a man bleed out after I cut his fingers off.”

He put his hand on my shoulder, looking me in my eyes.

“I say all that because I want you to know you’re not alone. I don’t know if you’re ever going to not hear those voices, but you’re not the only one that hears them. I don’t have all the words to help you, but you’re not a worse person for what you’ve done.

You haven’t killed anyone that wasn’t ready for that possibility, you’ve saved innocent people.”

He stares seriously at me. “You’re what you wanted to become, you’re a true Paladin Knight, and right now, that’s what the world needs.”

I smile a little, the noise in my mind fades a bit.

“Th..thank y.you. I needed that.” I did, I really did.

He smiles, patting my shoulder while he stands. He gets up to leave but stands in the doorway.

“Don’t keep this kind of stuff to yourself, trust me, it eats you from the inside out. So just tell me next time, alright?” I nod once. He says one final thing before going back to his room. “Just keep doing what’s right Christian, never abandon that, because god hasn’t abandoned you. Just look at me, I’m much worse than you and I’ve been blessed with my greatest wishes.”

I smile as he leaves, a great burden lifts from me. I feel like I’ll never forget what I’ve done, but I think I’ll be able to live with it. Eventually.