The Readymade Queen - Chapter 10

“Sister, did you get something delicious?”

“Abigail, I’m hungry!”

“Sister, sister! Me too!”

“Millie, should I call you sister?”

“If you don’t feed me, you are not my sister!”

At the moment, Abigail, who almost slapped Millie’s head without realizing it, barely restrained her hand and smiled forcibly.

It shouldn’t be solved by violence. Okay, let’s hold it.

Abigail tried to take off the hands of the damn little kids who were holding the hem of her dress from all sides and shook it, but that didn’t work out.

I’m really sick and tired of it.

Even if she didn’t do this, her body was already super tired. She hoped they could see it. The fact that she worked sixteen hours.

“Didn’t you have dinner?”

“I did!”

“But it wasn’t delicious!”

“Delicious food!”

She didn’t know that the tasteless food was something they couldn’t eat, they were screaming again, but Abigail couldn’t get angry at the shabby appearance of his younger siblings which caught her eyes soon after.

Her chest felt stuffy.

What was she doing at their age? She dressed up in a pretty dress, sat gracefully in her room and took lessons from her tutor, learned piano and violin, and held her parents’ hand while running around in the garden in full bloom. Her parents raised her as beautiful as the flowers.

On the other hand, her younger siblings, who were unable to receive their parents’ love and lived without proper memories of their father, barely understood the letters, and were trapped in a back alley inn all day long due to their shabby appearance and couldn’t play outside to their heart’s content.

Although her family was said to be a noble, among her siblings, she was the only one who remembered living like a noble.

The heavy guilt and compassion, the elder’s responsibility, and sorry for not choosing the opportunity for these children to live comfortably again.

She actually knew well that she didn’t have to be sorry. Her younger sister, who was already quite big-headed, once complained about what the big deal was about marriage, but Abigail still thought the decision back then was a good one. However, inevitably, she was sorry.

Her nanny said she was abnormal and was overthinking. She was suffocated by the vague thoughts with no answers again. Even if she hated her younger siblings who didn’t know her ironwork, she didn’t know what to do each time she felt suffocated like this.

The word ‘walking in place’ was really extravagant. She’d be glad if she could walk and keep her place. She’d be grateful if she could stand on the ground.

Even though she was drowning and struggling desperately to live, she felt like she was gradually calming down.

With heavy additions on her ankles day by day, no matter how much she stirred her limbs, she felt like she was sinking down there endlessly. Today was more desperate than yesterday and tomorrow was more desperate than today.

The truth was, no matter how hard she struggled, she knew that she would eventually sink someday. The tiny hands pulling the hem of her dress were unusually stronger. It’s getting more and more downward.

At this rate, one day, on the floor… but because of who I am… for you… when I die…

Her thoughts cut off. Then, suddenly, she realized that strange sense of disparity. The floor went round and round.

What the hell…

“Abigail, I’m hungry.”

The feeling of pulling from behind with an innocent voice ringing in her ears was terrifying. Instead of the hem of her dress, the ribbon around her waist was pulled and loosened slowly. The lightness was terribly cool.

Abigail turned slowly.

Her younger siblings who were hanging like a lie slowly disappeared. And…

“Abigail, Abigail…” Violetta, full of blood, was standing with an innocent smile.

Tuk, Tuk Tuk, Tuk.

She heard a falling sound from her in an imprecise rhythm. Abigail’s head went down. Her feet were red. It was all blood.

When Abigail looked up again, Violetta wasn’t smiling.

“Your Highness…”

“Abigail, am I dying?”

“Ah, ah….”

“…only me?”

When her breath was choked by the faint question consisting of only two syllables, her tears fell. She couldn’t breathe as if she was strangled by the pure gaze.

Rather, rather if it was her younger siblings who held onto her like before…

Abigail, whose thoughts stopped for a moment, took a deep breath. She remembered.

“Abigail, I’m hurt…”

Just before she broke up with her family, she actually stopped loving her younger siblings whom she loved so much.

She hated seeing them, she was tired of them, she was sick of them, she was disgusted with them. They were seriously awful.

She was so exhausted. It’s been a long time since the limit was exceeded.

When she returned from work from morning to night and faced those terribly pure selfishness, a new feeling of disgust that she didn’t even know was soaring that she couldn’t bear it. It was so awful that she was suffocated. Their hanging hands made her sick. She wanted to throw it all away and run away.

It’s not her siblings, but she was the one who couldn’t bear it. There was a fear that one day she might abandon her family. So she ran away.

She said it was to cure her mother’s illness, but she drove a nail into her mother’s heart by saying that she would dedicate her life to her, and sold her whole life to the Imperial palace.
[T/N: drove a nail into one’s heart = to hurt someone emotionally.]

In return, her mother was treated, her younger siblings ate delicious food, and she was freed from her house, and then Abigail became so comfortable.

She knew her mother would rather die as it was. She knew her mother just wanted to be by her side even if she would die someday. She knew that her mother was more afraid her daughter’s life would disappear because of her than the death itself.

But, she pretended not to know. She pretended not to know, acting as if she was an irreplaceable filial daughter in the world.

I’ve had enough of everything. Yes, I ran away. From home where my family is. Disgusting hypocrite. How can I forget it?

Even so, she pretended to have lived abominably for them.

As if I sacrificed everything for my family, as if I was the only one who threw everything away.

I love you so much. When I see you in front of my eyes, I hate and hate you, but when I can’t see you, I love you again because you didn’t bother me. I said ‘My family’, it’s only then I love you again and I want to see you again. It has become painful not to see you again.

My mother, my nanny who is like my sister, my younger siblings. My beloved younger siblings… how abominable you are. I miss you. I really miss you.

She was so desperate that she was looking for the treacherous wind, the lump of thorns were barely swallowed by Abigail.

“It hurts so much… Abigail…”

Abigail’s face, which strangely stiffened under the flowing tears, stared at Violetta with a blank expression.

The Princess also stared at her.

The two women stood looking at each other subconsciously. It was a punishment.

I ran away and it eventually became like this. Neither my mother nor my younger siblings would see me again, and in this horrible room, I was trapped with the insane Princess forever… and I will die soon. The assassin will come again. I’m going to kill him too. I will never be able to leave this room again.

Like a madman, she was rich in thoughts. The floor was inclined. The underside of her feet collapsed helplessly.

“Abigail isn’t dead?”

“I don’t know.”

“Only I died?”

“I don’t know…”

“… are you me now?”

“…”

“If I die, will you pretend to be me?”

The space collapsed little by little with words that flew like a sharp knife and hit her. Her heart, stabbed by those words, was burning hot. Even in the crumbling debris, she continued to stand there, staring straight at herself. Even the moment she fell far down and even when she disappeared in front of her. The moment she fell like that, her shoulders got caught by something.

All of a sudden, Abigail opened her eyes wide open. Then she blinked as she looked up at Rakiel, who grabbed her shoulders and shook her several times.

Rakiel’s expression looking down at her was a strange dream. Abigail wiped her cold sweaty face with her trembling hand.

As if her whole body was tied up, she managed to shake off the vague unrealistic feeling. Her chest was still as hot as a fire.

“…is it seven o’clock?” Her voice, which barely came out, was rough as if scraping iron.

At that voice, Rakiel narrowed his eyes and looked at her for a few seconds. Soon he nodded to affirm.

She slept only two hours. It was like a light sleep or barely sleeping, but her whole body was drooping as if she had been in a concussion for ten hours.

“That’s a good wake up call. I thought I couldn’t wake up because I slept too late.”

As Abigail raised herself up and sat down, tears that were heavy on her eyes fell, but Abigail didn’t even realize it and was calm.

Rakiel frowned, looking at the tear marks that fell on the blanket. Then he slowly opened his mouth.

“…your mother has been asking for survival confirmation this morning to the Imperial Palace Bureau.”

It seems that it went into my mother’s ear faster than expected.

Abigail sighed. “Please send the obituary right away.”

“Right away?”

“Yes.”

“Didn’t you want to delay it as much as possible?”

“I can’t hide it forever. There are rumors that I’m already dead. If the notification takes longer, my mother will be exhausted from waiting.” She said with a ghostly face and a hushed voice.

Rakiel bit his lips while trying to say something more,

Just two hours ago, she sat across from him and flipped through the book, and then it happened.

Is it that woman? It was only two hours ago that she stood up to me in a loud voice. A person couldn’t change like this in two hours. Is she giving up? Or is she resigning?

Rakiel looked at her indifferently as if he were just guessing. It was a casual face except for the bloodshot eyes.

However, it was a deep twisted sense of incongruity to say that it was just because she couldn’t sleep properly or because she had a bad dream.

Of course, it wouldn’t be pleasant to send her obituary to her family. With her obituary and her family, she was no different than a person who had died forever, but it was also different.

“You don’t need to send a priest to my mother. My mother doesn’t believe in God since my father passed away. It’s also too much for Duke’s doctor. If I am given an estate, I prefer the Zilter region. Duke can do that for me.”

Zilter was the farthest area from the capital. It was a border area located in the southwest, but very safe for a border as it was attached to the ally, Caroling.

She was a woman who was likely to do anything for them, so it wasn’t hard to understand that she was trying to send them as far as possible from the capital just in case.

But now the woman, rather than the danger of the capital… It seemed like she wanted to keep them as far away from herself as possible.

Rakiel stared at her. He didn’t understand. He knew well that she loved and cherished so much that she didn’t know what to do.

It wasn’t strange to beg him to see her family once again for the last time. Of course, he intended to cut it off without even worth it, but her current attitude was somewhat strange.

Abigail didn’t care about Rakiel looking at herself with suspicious eyes and spoke with her usual voice. “Well, and again… Ah, my head feels like it’s going to explode because I couldn’t sleep. I have three younger brothers and one younger sister. The two in the middle are twins. Oh, it doesn’t matter. Anyway, my younger brothers don’t like studying, but they’re not stupid. You don’t have to send them to the academy, but if you want to see them studying, it’s okay. Please send the only kids you want to with a pen. My father studied there.”

“Okay. I will.”

“My younger sister… I need to put her in etiquette school. Ah, and she wanted a piano. If an estate is given, please buy a piano for an expensive one. She begged me for a piano.”

“Your sister can buy whatever she wants now. You don’t have to ask me that much more.”

“Well, come to think of it, I do. Oh, and the nanny. She’s really like a real sister to me. She hasn’t gotten married yet because she’s chasing us to the capital. She’s already 25… please get her a good marriage.
I really ask for this. She’ll take care of my property.”

“…”

“This is all Abigail Dilloa’s will. She believed in you and died. You understand?”

Is it a will? She’s not giving up or resigning? She smiled normally and said that. As if it was not me, I even received indirect confirmation.

Rakiel looked at the bright smile and slowly replied. “Okay.”

Abigail smiled as if she liked the short and clear answer.

Facing the laughter, Rakiel suddenly realized that her smile was different from yesterday.

*****

Today was her fourth day of study.

On the second day, she slept only two hours. Since she started the day seriously, Abigail somehow managed to withstand the tension of her life.

Of course, there were some things that were bearable because she couldn’t sleep for a day at the time. However, after yesterday, she couldn’t express enough to say that she was going crazy because she was too sleepy today.

I feel like I am going to sleep. Like when I am getting motion sickness on the carriage, I have reached my limit of wanting to sleep.

She was tense and angry, but it wasn’t the time to catch the mood. Abigail slowly felt a crisis of survival. She slept for 2 hours, 3 hours, 3 and a half hours, and then she dozed off during breakfast.

Mrs. Gilde told her to call her Agnes comfortably, but she wasn’t comfortable at all.

While learning how to hold a teacup, Abigail sat gracefully holding the teacup and passed out for a while.

When the ruthless Duke saw her, he dropped her official language class and told her to sleep until lunch.

But when she heard that she was allowed to sleep, she was awakened. Abigail eventually lay down and blinked all the time.

When she thought about it again, her feelings boiled up. At that time, she hated herself for being unable to sleep more than the Duke who kept her from sleeping.

Then at lunchtime, she became more sleepy, and in history class, she felt like she was really going to die.

She was in class for 2 hours but she didn’t remember the 1 hour at all.

She heard the story of the 13-Year War with a little concentration, and she really liked the part of crushing and smashing everything.

That’s how she felt at that time.

After the history class, she dozed off while playing the piano. She felt like she couldn’t, so she grabbed the violin and fell asleep while standing.

It was only a dozen minutes, but she was shuddered by the feeling of torture herself.

She couldn’t do it. Abigail changed her mind.

Since the piano loosened her hand quickly, she’d rather read a book to read at night in advance.

Abigail, who came to a compromise, praised herself for being smart.

It was a vague compliment that she didn’t know what the hell was smart.

Abigail called a maid. Then, she asked for coffee by pouring a cup of water into five coffee beans. She poured it relentlessly into her throat. It was absolutely a cruel treatment.

Abigail was a typical ‘the hawk is beaten first, and the bad food is eaten first’ type.

Thus, the book she chose today was ‘Key Specialties and Geography of Each Region of the East and West Continents’.

With eyes wide open from the accumulated fatigue for days, it looked like she stuck her head in the book. It was a pitiful appearance that she could recommend to anyone to just sleep instead of reading it. But Abigail couldn’t.

Yesterday, one day before, two days before, under the ruthless man’s despised expression, she read two more books, holding onto her mind until dawn.

She couldn’t keep living that way. No longer being despised, without being able to sleep, and wouldn’t read anymore.

Abigail’s eyes shone violently. She finished it all by 8 o’clock.

Once Abigail put down the book confidently, Rakiel, who once looked at the book that was placed, looked down again at the documents in his hand.

Abigail, staring at that indifferent face who sat across from her, grasped her dress gracefully as she learned in. With the right posture, she also raised her back upright.

The only reaction to the call was to move one eyebrow, but Abigail, who became accustomed to his insincere response, did not dwell at all.

She smiled refreshingly and spoke again.

“Ask me a question.”

“What?”

“I’m done with this book.”

The words she said as soon as she came were completely different from the other days.

Rakiel regarded it as nonsense and continued to do his job without raising his head as if he felt it wasn’t worth answering.

Abigail talked again. “I didn’t play the piano and the violin today. I read it at that time.”

Then he raised his head.

You didn’t do what I told you to do?

But contrary to what Abigail had thought, there was no sign of disapproval with the man. He just seemed curious why she didn’t follow.

You don’t know when you look in my eyes.

Abigail tried to close her eyes with a straight face and blinked.

“The piano loosened my hands faster than I thought. I don’t think it’s necessary to do it every day. But no matter how hard I look at the violin, it’s a waste of time to do it right now. Because…”

“Yeah, take care of it yourself.”

Before Abigail could even start explaining the reasons she had logically prepared, Rakiel affirmed by cutting off her words.

Rather than feeling bad, she found that cool affirmation was weird.

Rakiel said as if he had already known Abigail’s proposal. “I agree that by advancing your reading time to that time, you can get a good night’s sleep and increase the efficiency of other things.

“…ha?”

“If I ordered that much from the beginning, you couldn’t have done that either.”

“…”

“If I give a hundred to someone who can only do sixty, they will do eighty later. And kids like you will do half of it if you set a big goal.”

Only then did she understand the unrealistic curriculum. Waiting for her to say to herself, ‘I think I can do enough other things except for this one.’

So there is already a certain degree from the beginning, did you mean you did that on purpose?

Rakiel asked Abigail, who was overwhelmed by an unknown sense of betrayal, as if by surprise.

“Four specialties of the Western Antel region.”

“Textile, wine, cattle, wheat…”

“Main import from Mazer in the East Continent.”

“Silk, spices, pepper…”

“Rodrigo’s estate?”

“Wine, gold, silver…”

Rakiel looked at Abigail, who answered the questions reflexively even if she had been tamed after seven days and in the midst of a sense of betrayal. Rakiel looked quite satisfied.

Abigail, who had lost all her strength in the acknowledging gaze, answered the questions that followed perfectly without strength. She then walked to bed in a trudging manner, lay down, and fainted.