The Simulacrum - Chapter 66

Part 1

I let out a pent up breath the moment we arrived back home. Snowy was still in the living room at the moment, but the extra range I recently gained allowed me to Phase directly to my room, if only barely. Teleporting to the very edge of my range was both more tiring and unpleasant than usual, but I had little choice in the matter. Time was of the essence, so once I got my bearings, I unceremoniously handed the wrapped up sword in my hand to the tiny miko who came along for the ride.

“Hold on to this for a moment, and don’t come down unless I call you.”

“Do I have to?” Ichiko whined in a low voice as she looked at the blade she held in both hands. “I don’t like Onikiri anymore.”

“I’m not telling you to go inside it, just to hold it for a while,” I chided her as I hastily combed my hair and straightened my hoodie. I probably didn’t look particularly imposing in my casual clothes, but I didn’t exactly have the time to change into something more formal, so it had to do.

Without further ado, I opened the door and walked downstairs with all the tensely maintained veneer of nonchalance I could muster under such short notice.

“Oh, Leo! Welcome back, or… Uuu… welcome down?” my sister greeted me the moment I reached the bottom of the stairs and scampered over to me in a hurry. Once she was right next to me, she whispered, “He appeared in the room without triggering any of the wards, but doesn’t seem hostile. He wanted to talk to you, so I sat him down, gave him a glass of orange juice, and told him you would be come and see him in a minute.”

“You did great,” I soothed the nervous girl with a pat on the head. “I’ll take it from here.”

Declaring so, I entered into the living room with measured steps, and my gaze immediately crossed with our unannounced guest’s. He was sitting in a dignified, if somewhat stiff posture on the couch, holding his drink with both hands. He was on the shorter side, his skin was a light brow (though it looked more like a heavy tan than his natural skin color), and by the looks of it, he was at least in his fifties, possibly older based on the number of white streaks in his long, straight beard.

Speaking of which, now that I could take a proper look at his facial hair, I very nearly let a breath of relief escape my mouth. When I originally Far Glanced at him, I could have sworn that he had an honest to goodness Fu Man Chu mustache, but instead it turned out he had one of those really long ‘wise sage’ cuts, which made a striking contrast with his completely bald head. I couldn’t help but wonder; if unique and elaborate hairdos signified importance, then what would the lack thereof mean? Or was it his beard that acted as the signifier this time around?

Moving past his head, I also made note of the thick, layered Japanese style robes he was wearing. I didn’t know the exact name of the garb, but in my defense, I wasn’t exactly an expert in the field. What I have quickly recognized, however, was the color; it was the exact same shade of deep purple as the shroud covering Onikiri when not in use. On top of that, he also had a string of impractically huge wooden prayer beads around his neck, each one the size of my fists and engraved with some Asian characters or symbols I didn’t recognize. Still, I had a vague recollection of Buddhist monks (or rather, the stylized fantasy variety) being depicted wearing something similar, but then what was with the sage-beard and the small ying-yang symbols on his sleeves?

Yet, more important than his physical appearance was the immediate sense of irritation that assaulted my subconscious the moment I laid my eyes on the man. By this point I was decently familiar with the reaction, yet at the same time it felt subtly different from before; more ‘palpable’, for a lack of better expression. It was like a small wedge or awl inside my head, slowly sinking deeper the longer I looked at him, but instead of pain, it induced a sense of discomfort that immediately triggered my fight or flight instincts.

I calmed my breathing and focused my mind, looking at the phenomenon as rationally as I could under the circumstances. So far, I have felt a similar sense of antagonism towards three people on our first meetings: Snowy’s brother, the dragon-butler, and the Arch-mage. Out of the three, two turned out to be two-faced, scheming assholes, while Sebastian was… merely annoying and pompous, but otherwise mostly okay. This meant that, as irrational as my reaction was, it had a decent track-record at sniffing out dangerous individuals. But then again, I never had such reaction to Brang, Rinne, or the two knights, so there might have been something else required to qualify for the honor of being found instinctively irritating by yours truly. Maybe it had something to do with some sort of magical presence, or their demeanor, or maybe even something more outside-context, like importance in the narrative. I had no idea, nor did I really have the time to ponder.

That said, now that I was fully aware of this odd reaction of mine, it was trivially easy to shove it to the back of my mind for the time being and greet the uninvited guest lounging on my couch with an unperturbed expression.

“You have exactly one minute to explain what you are doing in my house.”

… Okay, I admit the actual response still needed some work, but considering that my gut reflex told me to immediately throw him out and slam the door behind him, I think I still acted rather cordially.

“Please do excuse my unannounced arrival,” the older man responded in a smooth baritone, his words tinged with a light but distinct Japanese accent.

So, this guy had an accent, Rinne had an accent, yet Ichiko, the hundreds of years old Japanese fox-miko didn’t, but instead she peppered her sentences with random honorifics. That made a looooooot of sense. But putting my linguistic gripes aside, since I didn’t respond, he very slowly put the half-empty glass onto the table and proceeded to introduce himself with a barely noticeable nod of his head.

“I am known as Hige. I am the second elder and representative of the Kage clan. I presume you already know of us.”

“Naturally. For ninjas, you are hard to miss,” I responded with just the tiniest of barbs, yet he completely ignored the jab and spoke on with a controlled voice.

“Before I say more, allow me to ascertain: are you Leonard Blackcloak, the fabled Chimera slayer of the land of Critias?”

“Yes for the Leonard portion, an ambivalent yes for the Blackcloak part, a grudging yes for the Chimera slayer bit, and a categorical no for being ‘fabled‘ in any shape or form.” Based on my guest’s bemused blinking, my answer was obviously too complicated for him, so a short sigh later I told him, “Yes, some people call me that.”

“I understand. In that case, allow me to come to the point of my visit without any minced words.” He paused here for a solid three seconds while his bushy eyebrows descended into what I presumed was supposed to be a dignified expression, and then he finally blurted out, “What can you tell me about the current whereabouts of the one called Onikiri no Tsukaima Rinne?”

Instead of answering right away, rolled my eyes at my overly dramatic interloper’s expense and leisurely made my way over to my usual seat. I took my sweet time to sit down, and then waited for a few seconds before answering, because when my head hurt, I was petty like that.

“Why do you think I would know?”

The old samurai/ninja/sage/whatever measured me from head to toe, and regardless whatever he was looking for (or whether or not he found it), he soon eased up on the hostile body language.

“I was told you are a seller of information with numerous connections,” he explained, but then he continued with, “Also, she was last seen in your company.”

“Sooo… you would have looked for me even if I wasn’t an information-broker,” I stated, but he was only giving me a confused look, apparently not getting my point at all. “Never mind. Yes, I have accompanied her a couple of times.”

“Were you by her side when she fell?”

I was just about to give him a snappy answer, but then my thoughts came to an abrupt halt and my response turned into an uncertain, “Pardon?”

“I asked if you were by her side when she died,” the older man repeated with extra emphasis, but it only got me even more confused.

“I think there is a misunderstanding here. She is still alive.”

All of a sudden my guest’s body language tensed up again and he uttered a single, flat word.

“Impossible.”

I wanted to point out that no, it was very much possible, considering I have talked with her just a couple of minutes ago, but before I could do so, he continued to speak while reaching into his loose left sleeve with his right hand.

“Onikiri no Tsukaima Rinne failed to make contact with us for the time of two days. During the last time we communicated, she reported that she would soon face a fearsome beast of the underworld in single combat. She has not shown any sign of life since then, therefore we concluded that she had lost her life in the endeavor.”

“It wasn’t exactly single combat,” I objected a little weakly as I tried to untangle this man’s thought processes. “Also, as I have said, she is still alive.”

“Falsehood,” the bald man in front of me declared with some gravitas before he finally retrieved a piece of folded up purple paper with some kind of thick red string hanging from one of its sides. “Know, that I am not here to accuse you, and therefore there is no need for you to tell anything but the truth. Her demise is unfortunate, but in the line of our eternal duty, such is often the fare of the ones bearing the responsibility of the sacred blade of our clan. Please do not tarnish her sacrifice.”

“But I’m telling you, she is not dead,” I told him with my voice raised and my patience running dangerously low.

“An abject untruth,” the man proclaimed while holding the aforementioned piece of paper, which I soon realized was some kind of talisman, between his right index and middle fingers. “Can you perceive the lack of the familiar light emitted by her life lantern?”

“I can’t see the lack of something that I have never seen before,” I told him while channeling my inner Judy, but got completely disregarded as the man continued to talk.

“It shows that Onikiri no Tsukaima Rinne is no longer one with our sacred blade. One bears the blade for life, so it can only mean one thing: she is dead.” He paused here, I was pretty sure just for even more dramatic flair, and then he let his hand down before continuing in a more amicable tone. “Fear not, young one, for you are not being held responsible for her demise. We merely seek the location of our sacred sword and her body, for funeral rites. We merely ask for your cooperation.”

The longer I was listening to this guy, the harder it was to keep the irrational irritation bubbling up from the back of my mind in check. I once again wondered; maybe I wasn’t feeling annoyed by these guys because of some supernatural outside influence, but instead as a result of some sort of sixth sense telling me, ‘Hey, this idiot is going to annoy you in the future, so here’s a primer’, or something along those lines.

“… We are not getting anywhere like this,” I admitted with a tinge of defeat. I let out a long breath, and turned towards the stairwell, yelling out, “Ichiko, come down please! I’m going to need you for this after all!”

There was a long moment of silence in the room, soon broken by a high-pitched “Comiiiing!”, followed by a pair of small feet thundering down the stairs two steps at a time and coming to an abrupt halt at the bottom.

“Aaaa! It’s Baldy-kun!” the little girl exclaimed with apparent delight as she dashed over and raised her arms over her head, tossing the sword she was holding into the air in the process. My danger-sense immediately told me that it was coming right towards my head, so I reflexively used my finely honed weapon-catching technique… except I did so with my numb right hand, so I completely botched it. The hilt of the spinning katana hit my wrist, eliciting a hiss that had more surprise than actual pain in it, and it got deflected to the side. I had to practically jump out of my chair to go after it and I hurriedly used my other hand to reach out towards the falling weapon. In the end, I barely managed to wrap my fingers around the blade, just under the round guard. Thankfully the whole length of it was still covered with the purple shroud, so I didn’t get cut, but it was still a close one.

“Ichiko!” The slight hint of indignation made the little girl twitch and turn towards me with a face that said she didn’t know what she did wrong. Therefore, I told her. “Who told you to throw Onikiri like that? It could have poked someone’s eye out!”

“But… But ue-sama caught it?” she defended herself while giving me the puppy-eyes, but I remained firm.

“It doesn’t matter. You should not throw swords around like that, even if you are excited that you met—” I paused here for a second as I glanced at the robed man frozen mid-motion in his seat, and gestured towards him with my free hand finishing the thought with, “… this guy. Are you two related by any chance?”

“Ah, you see ue-sama, Baldy-kun was the little brother of Onikiri’s wielder!”

“I’m fairly sure you don’t mean Mountain Girl,” I ventured a guess, and she confirmed it with an aghast look.

“Of course not! She was the wielder two generations ago!” the little girl explained as if it was obvious.

“Okay, and?” I prompted her to continue.

“I was always one with the person who wielded Onikiri, like Rinne-san, and Sakura-san, and Aoi-san, and—” I gave her an ‘I get it, get to the point’ look, and when she noticed that, she hastily told me, “So, since I was one with her, we were both his big sister, so I’m his half-big-sister now!” she declared with a grin that said this was all completely self-evident. In her head, I mean.

“I… don’t understand. What’s going on?” Baldy-kun muttered in a state of profound bewilderment, and while a small part of me found that absolutely hilarious, I knew that we would get nowhere fast if I didn’t clear things up soon.

“In short, this here is Ichiko, the… spirit? Person?”

“I prefer person!” the tiny miko interjected.

“I see. Let’s go with ‘spirit’ then,” I stated with a thoughtful nod, earning me a sulky ‘Ue-sama is mean’ in the process. “So, she used to be inside this sword here, but some things happened, and now she is not.”

“Inside… Wait, is that Onikiri? Why do you possess our sacred blade!?” the older man suddenly sprung to his feet and pointed at me, apparently only just realizing what I was holding in my hands.

“It’s a long story, but for the time being, I’m holding onto it because Rinne had some anger management problems and attacked me and my allies.”

“Rinne-san got better though,” Ichiko chimed in.

“So she is… Onikiri?”

“No, Ichiko was inside Onikiri,” I corrected him, but the guy was giving me a totally blank expression, so much so that for a moment I wondered if I was mistaken in my initial assessment and he was just a slightly unique placeholder.

“Can you… prove that…?” he finally asked the obvious question. It was also a good one, as I had no idea how to do that conclusively, so after some consideration, I left it to the girl in front of me to demonstrate her identity.

“Ah, I know!” she suddenly perked up, apparently thinking of an idea. “Baldy-kun? Do you remember that time, when you stole the panties of the girl you liked, and we found you when you tried to hide it under the floorboards?”

All of a sudden the bald man’s face slackened with shock. It only lasted for a blink of an eye, as he quickly made some kind of gesture with his fingers and calmed down.

“I have no idea what you are talking—” he began, only to be cut short when the little girl’s eyes descended into an uncertain frown.

“Uuuu… But I’m very sure it happened. I don’t keep all the memories after the wielder dies, but I clearly remember this one! You even had some kind of book in there, and you cried a lot when we burned them all! It was really funny!”

I admit I was almost feeling bad for the guy for getting his ancient shame unearthed in front of a stranger, and by a little girl no less, but then I remembered that I didn’t actually like him, so the feeling quickly subsided. In its place, I found a question that I immediately vocalized.

“Hey, Ichiko? How exactly is this story supposed to confirm your identity?”

“You see ue-sama, it’s because we were the only ones who knew about this! It would have been shameful if it became public knowledge that our little brother was stealing panties, so we destroyed all the evidence, and I even made Baldy-kun take me to his secret hideout where he kept the—”

“Nee-san, yamete kudasai!” the robed man called out with a panicked expression. “I-I mean, you have already proven your identity! There is no need for further proof!”

“Really? Wow, I was sure this was going to drag out for at least three more embarrassing stories,” I whispered under my breath. My relief didn’t last long though, as I soon noticed that he was eyeing the sword in my hand. “What?”

“I just wonder… If she is the spirit of Onikiri, and she calls you ‘ue-sama’, then does that make you her master?”

“Yes,” the little girl loudly declared in the company of an unnecessarily proud nod. “Ue-sama gave me this body, so ue-sama is ue-sama.”

“That was atrociously redundant,” I noted on the side, but neither of the other three people in the room cared. Oh, yeah, Snowy came by to bring in some drinks, but she already disappeared. That’s how little she cared. That was also pretty cold of her, leaving me to fend for myself like that. Not that I could blame her; I didn’t want to be here either.

“So if he is your master, and you are Onikiri, then it makes him Onikiri’s master,” Mr. Baldy reasoned, employing the best methods insane troll logic could offer. Truly an inspirational thinker, this man was.

“No way! Ue-sama can’t be my wielder!” Ichiko protested right away, and she even waved her hands around like a windmill for some reason. “Ue-sama is a boy, so we can’t become one! It would be gross!”

“So he cannot use Onikiri?” our guest pressed on, not at all disheartened by her declaration of grossness.

“He can, but—” she began, only to cut herself short and silently mouth something along the lines of ‘Oh, right! I’m no longer in Onikiri anymore!’. Either that, or she was telling me my parrot’s metabolic processes were a matter of interest only to historians, which didn’t make any sense in this context. Or many others, if we were at that.

“Can you really?” came the next question, this time aimed at me, and after keeping eye-contact with the man for a few seconds, I grudgingly grabbed the sword by the hilt and used my phantom limb to activate the jury-rigged enchantment inside it. I mean, I didn’t see the harm in it, and if it would get this guy to leave five minutes earlier, it was worth the headache.

Half a moment later the shroud covering the blade unfurled to reveal a pristine white blade, and once the magic inside it kicked into high gear, it began humming with a soft yet pervasive sound.

“There, are you happy now?” I asked as I lightly waved the sword in front of him. At this point, I expected a number of reactions. The bald man suddenly going down onto one knee definitely wasn’t one of them.

“Elder Hige greets the new matri— I mean, the new patriarch,” he proclaimed with a solemn voice, and I found myself drawing a blank, completely unable to respond in any way.

My confusion thankfully didn’t last long, and I quickly let the sword down and glanced at the equally stunned Ichiko by my side.

“What is he talking about?”

“I forgot to mention this to ue-sama!” she suddenly burst out in a panicked voice as she scampered over to my side and grabbed my sleeve. “Listen, ue-sama! The Kage clan is led by the elders because the wielder of Onikiri is always traveling around the world to hunt evil monsters, but in truth, they are the true head of the clan! Since now you wield Onikiri, it means that you are the clan head!”

… Oh, I see. So that was the harm I couldn’t see. Lovely. I looked at the still humming sword and quickly turned it off, the purple shroud automatically wrapping itself around the blade in the process. In the meantime, I had a sudden idea. Rinne became very docile after I took Onikiri from her, and she even started getting along and sparring with the Faun. She was also part of the clan, even if I accidentally dethroned her, so… maybe she was getting on the same wavelength with Brang and company because she now also viewed me as her boss? Was this the thing she was trying to tell me in the secret base?

Anyhow, these were questions for later. For now, I unceremoniously threw the covered up blade to the foxy miko, who caught it with a surprised yelp, following which I stepped forth and placed a hand onto the kneeling man’s bare head. He shuddered, obviously not expecting this development, and once I was sure I had a mark on him, I firmly told him, “We are not doing this.”

“Sir, I… don’t understand what you—”

“I said we are not doing this,” I repeated with extra emphasis as I clamped my fingers on his head and kept him from standing up. “We are not in England, I’m sure as hell not King Arthur, and you are absolutely not going to suddenly invest supreme executive power in me just because of a bloody magical sword!”

Before he could react, I did the thing I should have done the moment I first laid my eyes on the man, and I immediately Phased him just outside my front door, fully leveraging the extra range I got.

“This discussion is over for today. Goodbye, sir,” I growled as I let go of the confused man’s head, and then immediately teleported to the other side of the door. I was about to let out a deep groan, but then I realized that I forgot something, so I opened the door, stuck my head through, told him “Oh, right, and do not even try to sneak into my house again without my permission, or I’ll be forced to be impolite,” and then slammed it shut. There, now that was better.

Still, this development was way too quick and troublesome. While having my personal ninja-clan sounded cool in theory, the last thing I needed right now was a group of professional monster-hunters trying to make me into their enforcer. I mean, no offense, but Mountain Girl was obviously not leader material, so I was pretty sure the whole ‘clan head’ thing was just some bureaucratic bullcrap I really didn’t need at the moment. Also, so far I had contact with three people from the Kage clan (counting the tiny fox-miko), and each one of them was a different flavor of weird and annoying. Trying to imagine a small army of them was already enough to give me a migraine. In short, this was promising to be a giant mess, and if I wanted to avoid getting hopelessly entangled in it, I had to act quickly.

Thinking so, I returned to the living room, grabbed hold of the little girl still awkwardly carrying the sword in her hands, said a quick goodbye to my sister, and once I made sure Mr. Baldy was not trying to get back in, I immediately Phased away and reappeared next to the monster huntress standing near the training area with the words, “Listen up, Mountain Girl; we really need to talk…”

Part 2

“This place is sooo amazing! It’s exactly what I expected from ue-sama!” Ichiko exclaimed as she spun around on one of the bar stools.

“Indeed,” Rinne agreed with a sagely nod, and after poking the noodles in front of her a few times with a metal spork I have never seen before, she let out an impatient grunt before adding, “The facilities are great, the beds are comfortable, the food is adequate, and as for the sy… sycop… What is the word?”

“I think Rinne-san wanted to say ‘minions’,” the little girl pointed out, making the ears of the ‘minion’ on the other side of the counter swivel around in mild confusion, but he remained silent.

“Yes, Rinne meant minions. They are very polite,” she remarked before poking at her food again, and this time she seemed to be satisfied with its consistency, as she let out a content little noise and plunged her eating utensil into the bowl in front of her.

“Refreshments?” Rabom inquired, pointedly glancing at me from behind the counter while opening the door of the minibar. I politely declined the offer with a wave of my hand, but my two companions immediately snatched at the opportunity.

“Just water,” the huntress sitting by my side requested without the slightest hint of reservation, and she was quickly followed up by the youngest looking, yet technically oldest person present.

“Something sweet!” Ichiko called out with a raised hand, and the Faun responded with a grunt of acknowledgment, not even a little bit surprised by how the two of them acted like they were right at home.

Speaking of locations, the moment the three of us were sitting on the tall, padded bar stools lined up in front of the counter within the lounge area of the main hall, with me sandwiched between the two girls. I just finished interrogating Rinne not too long ago, though that might have been a bit of an overstatement, a she was quite forthcoming with her answers.

“So you really used to be the head of the clan?” I wondered aloud with just a hint of incredulity, and the no longer creepy (yet just as peculiar) huntress responded with an oblivious nod, her mouth currently occupied with a sporkful of pasta. She apparently shared Brang’s taste for the mac-and-cheese MRE’s, though she preferred to put them into a bowl instead of eating them right out of the packet.

“Yes. By clan law, the head of the clan must bear the burden of Onikiri,” she stated after swallowing her food, but half a second later there was another bite in her mouth.

“Wait, so which is it?” She gave me an uncomprehending look, so I clarified, “I mean, is it the head of the clan who gets to wield the sword, or is it the holder of the sword who gets to be the clan head?”

“Is there a difference?” Ichiko muttered on my other side, but I waited for Rabom to hand her drink over to her before I answered. Or at least I planned to, but then I was baffled for a moment longer by how it was delivered in a tall glass with a long plastic straw and a tiny umbrella in it. I mean, the straw was odd enough, but I couldn’t for the life of me remember ever buying any cocktail umbrellas. Just where the hell did they get it?

Oh my god… Could it be? Is the secret base turning into my kitchen 2.0, with appliances and ingredients mysteriously showing up from thin air whenever I wasn’t looking? But then again, maybe I was just overthinking this and it was just something the Fauns bought in the city.

…

Yeah, right. Like these guys going into a shop and inconspicuously buying some cocktail umbrellas of all things could ever happen. Anyhow, I forced myself out of this soft-drink induced tangent by shaking my head and facing the little girl blissfully slurping her soda.

“No, it’s obviously not the same,” I stated a touch heatedly.

“Rinne cannot see the difference either,” Mountain Girl commented on the side, earning a frowning glance for her trouble. Also, wasn’t Japanese girls referring to themselves in the third person supposed to be a cutesy thing for little girls? If so, then how come it’s her doing it instead of Ichiko? What sense did that make?

I was tempted to voice my complaint, but then it turned into an entirely different one when Rinne shoved another sporkful of food into her mouth.

“Could you stop eating for just five minutes, please?”

“Rnnm cnntm,” she mumbled before hastily swallowing her food and trying again. “Rinne cannot. Eating after exercising by means of imitation combat is vital for keeping one’s internal energies in balance.”

I wanted to argue, but seeing how she was holding onto her bowl as if it was her lifeline, I decided to let it go for the moment.

“Fine, whatever. Eat it quickly, and then we’ll talk.”

She nodded at once and began to devour the remainder of her food. In the meantime, I used this opportunity to collect my thoughts a little. According to what I’ve gathered, the Kage clan wasn’t nearly as extensive as I feared. If what Rinne and Ichiko said was to be believed without any caveats, the ‘clan’ only consisted of the current wielder of Onikiri and handful of other highly visible ninja types who acted both as scouts, back-ups in combat, and as possible replacement candidates in case the wielder would meet an unfortunate end. Beyond them, there were the elders, who were the de facto leaders of the clan while the technical clan head was globe-trotting, and then there were a bunch of financial backers from some eastern conglomerates who supplied them with money because of some contracts made hundreds of years ago.

In other words, instead of a large organization, the Kage clan seemed to be just a small group of secretive types with an unreasonable hate-boner for anything they categorize as ‘supernatural baddies’, so… pretty much just a much smaller version of the Knights of the Most Chuunibyo Titles? I wondered if the two had any kind of relation to each other, but apparently Rinne didn’t even know about them, even though they were both ‘monster hunter’ groups centered around people with magical weapons.

But speaking of magical tools of metabolism-interference, I was actually a little worried about the whole situation with Onikiri. Not the part about how just by holding it, I somehow accidentally became the alleged head of a ninja clan, but the circumstances surrounding the whole event.

For a start, why exactly did I think it was a good idea to take it with me to the meeting with the bald elder? I mean, I know why I thought that; I figured that having it around would give credence to my claims about Ichiko, and would theoretically help to keep the guy in bay if he were to turn hostility, both as a bargaining chip and a sharpened piece of metal I could use to poke him. However, in hindsight, couldn’t the little miko prove her identity without it? I mean, she did, but I should have figured she could do it either way. If I decided to leave the sword here, things would not have proceeded down in this annoying direction, so I couldn’t help but wonder: was I just narratively influenced into this course of action, or was it another one of my home-grown bad decisions?

While I pondered about these things, Mountain Girl finally finished her meal, as well as her drink delivered by the oddly skilled Faun, and she waited for me to continue the discussion.

“So,” I broke the ice while crossing my fingers on my lap. “I don’t suppose you can give me an easy loophole that would allow me to get out of this whole ‘clan head’ situation, can you?”

“Rinne still doesn’t understand why you would want to avoid the honor,” my… well, she was not really my prisoner, but not really a guest ether, so… my gesroner? Either way, she said that, and then continued with, “If anyone deserves to be the clan head, it is Leonard-san.”

“I agree,” the little girl on the other side concurred.

“Please tell me it’s not because I accidentally fulfilled some ancient prophecy,” I whispered under my breath, and to my relief, both of them shook their heads.

“We don’t have any prophecies I know of,” Ichiko remarked between two sips through her straw. “But even if we had, I would still prefer ue-sama!”

“Rinne agrees,” the gluttonous huntress piled on with a serious expression. “You have purified our clan’s sacred blade resurrected our honored ancestor, and you can wield Onikiri without being affected by the miasma.”

Hearing the words ‘honored ancestor’ made the tiny miko let out a mirthful little giggle, but I ignored her as I considered what Rinne just told me. When put like that, it really made what I did sound fairly impressive, even though I didn’t really intend for any of it. Still, I wasn’t going to give up that easily.

“Fine, I give you that, but Onikiri was your sword to begin with, right?” Rinne pondered my words for a moment, possibly because she thought it was a trick-question, before ultimately nodding in agreement. “I have it right now, but it’s technically still your sword, so doesn’t that mean that you are still the clan head?”

Oh, look at that. She just gave me a ‘Is this guy messing with me, or is he a natural-born idiot?’ look. I haven’t seen one of those in a while. Not that I really missed them, mind you, but still.

“You have Onikiri,” she stated with an odd sense of finality. “That means I’m no longer the clan head.”

“If that’s the problem,” I began as I reached down a little and picked up the wrapped up sword I leaned against the side of the counter and handed it over to her. “There, now we don’t have a problem anymore.”

She took the blade from my hand, as if by reflex, but once it actually registered with her, she immediately tried to hand it back.

“Rinne cannot accept this!”

“What do you mean ‘you can’t accept’? It’s your sword,” I argued as I pushed it back into her hands.

“But… But it belongs to Leonard-san now!” she objected even stronger, but I continued to push it towards her without budging.

“No, it doesn’t, and even if it did, I’m still giving it to you, so take it already.”

Mountain Girl hesitated for a few more seconds, but at last she hesitantly took the blade from me. Now, normally it would have been a bad idea to hand a weapon over to someone who was technically my captive, but she was quite cooperative and, more importantly, the usefulness of said weapon was made more than a little questionable by the magical shroud covering the blade, which she couldn’t remove without me ‘turning on’ the enchantments first. Though again, while it could still work as a blunt instrument, I doubted she would try to whack me with it, and even if she did, I was ready to Phase away at a moment’s notice, because my middle name was ‘Safety’, even if Judy refused to believe it.

I didn’t need to do that though, as once she finally accepted her weapon, she gave me a determined nod, followed up by Ichiko jumping off her stool and skipping over to her side to pat her on the back with an energetic “Congratulations, Rinne-san!” in tow.

“… Okay, before we go any further, please tell me there isn’t some kind of silly custom in your clan, where giving a weapon is the equivalent of a proposal or something?” I asked in a hurry, feeling a little suspicious about the tiny miko’s enthusiastic reaction.

“No, of course not,” Ichiko denied on the spot, much to my relief. “That would be just silly.”

“Good. A dumb misunderstanding like that would be the last thing I need right now,” I grumbled under my breath before deciding to move the conversation along. “So now that we have concluded that your sword is actually your sword, I suppose it would be time I let you out of here and back to your clan.”

“Yes. Rinne should discuss this with the elders,” the currently oddly meek huntress concluded, only to then pause for a short while and tell me, “But before that, Rinne must live up to her previous obligations.”

“Such as?”

“Rinne promised to spar with your retainers from the underworld.” She explained, her face suddenly alight with an odd sense of respect. “Leonard-dono’s influence is truly amazing. To think you could tame the evil beasts of the underworld to such a degree… Rinne can barely believe they are evil monsters of evilness.”

“It’s because they are not,” I deadpanned harder than I ever deadpanned, and I found an unexpected source of agreement in the form of the little fox-girl still patting the huntress’s back.

“Rinne-san must not be prejudiced! It’s obvious that the Evil Minions aren’t evil!”

I wanted to question her terminology, but I had a feeling it would lead to another tangent, so I wisely ignored the little one and moved on.

“So you want to spar with them before you leave. How about you take Ichiko with you?” My request fell on uncomprehending ears, so I clarified, “I want to employ her as a bodyguard for my girlfriend, so I would like to see how well she can do in that capacity.” I wanted to leave it at that, but then I remember something else and turned to the little girl. “Also, please transform into your fox form, since you are supposed to protect her while shape-shifted.”

“Understood!” Ichiko exclaimed with palpable excitement as she grabbed hold of Mountain Girl’s arm and pulled her off her seat. “Come, Rinne-san! Let’s find the Evil Minions and show ue-sama how amazing I am! Rinne-san will be the damsel in distress, while I will be the gallant fox protecting her!”

Judging by her expression, the huntress found the whole situation baffling and embarrassing in equal measure, but she still obediently let the young girl drag her towards the sparring area. From a distance, they would have probably looked like a tomboyish older sister awkwardly indulging their little sis… at least until the latter suddenly turned into a rotund little fox after a small light-show, leaving her empty clothes on the ground in the process.

“[I’ll retrieve them, milord. Don’t worry.]”

Saying so, the uncannily polite Faun on the other side of the bar rushed after them and began to pick up the discarded garments with unexpectedly delicate motions.

While I was curious about Ichiko’s capabilities, I figured there was no harm in checking on her after they have already warmed up a little, so for the time being I decided to return to Elly’s side and see how the negotiations progressed in my absence. I got off my chair and directly phased to the sub-basement, just in time to catch the following outburst.

“What do you mean we won’t have healthcare coverage?! This is outrageous!” Friedrich complained aloud, his expression a perfect image of indignation, which turned into one of shock when he noticed me.

“Your uncle is the school nurse, isn’t he? He can patch you up in case of a medical emergency,” my girlfriend answered in a calm, cold voice. “In case of an injury requiring immediate treatment, we can also allow you to use our very own Celestial healer. I don’t see why we should allocate additional funds to this purpose.”

“But… erm…” Labcoat Guy stammered for a second, glancing between me and the princess, who somehow still haven’t noticed that I was in the room, and after I gestured for him to say his mind, he tentatively stated. “What if we catch a cold? Mystical arts can heal injuries, but they can’t cure diseases.”

“That’s a good point,” I spoke up while simultaneously grabbing hold of Elly’s hand from behind. She stiffened for a moment, after which she aimed a slightly petulant look at me over her shoulder so I added, “I mean, Angie couldn’t heal my headaches either, so her magic has its limits.”

“True, I suppose,” she conceded quite easily, but when her attention returned to the pair sitting in front of us, her eyes were just as focused as the moment I arrived. “In that case, we can supply you with facemasks and hand sanitizers.”

“I once again request at least fifteen paid sick leave days,” Galatea spoke up, and her comment seemed to be aimed at me in particular, but Elly cut her off right away.

“I already told you, you are a robot. You can’t get sick,” she responded in a voice so sharp you could use it to fillet pufferfish.

“Now, now, princess. Don’t be too harsh,” I soothed her, falling into my good cop routine to complement her bad cop act. “While she cannot get sick, she probably needs maintenance. Letting her get a few days off every now or then for that should be fine.”

“Hmmm…” My girlfriend considered my words a tad more seriously than I expected, so I squeezed her hand a little to urge her along. At last, she stated, “Very well. Grandfather always said that maintenance is important for sustaining peak productivity, so I can allow it. However, you do not require a recuperation period, so you only get ten days.”

“I take it,” Galatea jumped at the ‘opportunity’ right away, but then she was interrupted by an indignant sound from the man by the table.

“What about me?! How come I don’t get any sick leave?!”

“You get hand sanitizers and face masks. She doesn’t need those, so it balances out,” Elly stated as if it was obvious, and for a moment I had a hard time deciding if she was serious or not.

“Those are not comparable!”

“Whoa there, calm down,” I gestured with my bad hand towards the increasingly more agitated man. “Are sick leaves really that important? It’s not like you are going to work on a strict five-day, nine-to-five schedule.”

This time it was the princess who squeezed my hand, and when I glanced at her, she flatly told me, “Of course they are.”

“Really?” I blurted out, and she nodded in the affirmative.

“Of course. How else are we going to calculate their wages?”

“Wait, we are actually paying them?” I asked, half-joking, but Elly took my words at face value and turned on her heels to face me before she began her explanation.

“Actually, that’s a good point. They are not going to be leaving the secret base any time soon, so what is the point in paying them money they cannot spend?” she asked, though it was obviously a rhetorical question. It still made both of our ‘guests’ shudder and share an uncertain glance between each other, but I pretended I didn’t see it.

“Well, you are making a good point,” I mused in a tone that said I considered it a tantalizing idea, just to make the duo sweat a bit more, but then I remembered that I was supposed to be the good cop, so I quickly amended, “But on the other hand, receiving compensation for a work well done is an important source of motivation, isn’t it?”

“You are certainly not wrong,” Elly stated, apparently much more attached to the whole ‘let’s have them work without paying them’ idea than I was. I wondered if that came from being part dragon, or from being the scion of a business family. “I have actually thought of an idea, so I might as well ask for your opinion.”

“I’m listening,” I prompted her, and after organizing her thoughts, she explained, “Since you are going to be bringing in all the supplies and tools necessary for their operation, as well as all food and luxury items they could want, I considered cutting out the middle-man. Instead of giving them money so that they can give us money to buy goods for them, how about we introduce a point system. They earn requisition points by working, and using them, they can requests goods to be brought here.”

“I don’t see a problem with that, aside from keeping a tally of these points,” I granted her, already seeing the hilarious potential for fleecing in the concept. Only in moderation, of course, but still.

“I will take care of that!” she declared with a haughty little smirk that always made her about thirty percent cuter, give or take five. “I can bring over one of our spare ledgers from, and I will use it to keep track of the requisition points. It should be good training for my economics classes; mom always says I need to practice my accounting.”

“I’m glad to hear you can hit two birds with one stone, but… is it just me, or does ‘requisition points’ sound really clunky?”

“A little,” she admitted with just a hint of curiosity. “Any alternatives?”

“Spondulix?” I blurted out the first thing that came to mind, and she nodded in instant acceptance.

“You can’t be serious…” Labcoat Guy complained, but his words fell on deaf ears.

“Can spondulix be used to buy exotic aquarium fish?” the android inquired with a raised hand.

“I suppose.”

My response resulted in a small hum from her, followed by “In that case, I see no issue.”

“Of course you don’t,” Friedrich continued to grumble, this time with an added facepalm for emphasis.

“I’m glad to see that the negotiations are proceeding well,” I noted with only a tiny amount of schadenfreude. “How much longer do you think it will take?”

“We are mostly done,” the princess answered with a somber look on the face. “We have outlined most of the duties and compensations, but can’t really proceed any further without an actual blank contract paper.”

“Well, I still have the one Lord Grandpa made, so I can erase that.”

“Okay, let’s do that tomorrow!” she suddenly declared, and once she noticed that I was giving her a ‘What gives?’ look, she hastily clarified, “It’s almost three o’clock already! Judy is coming over at four, and that’s when my solo-time ends! You can’t expect me to spend it writing a contract!”

“Right, I forgot about that,” I said, although it would be more accurate to say that it never even crossed my mind. “So you want to come back here tomorrow and write the contract down?”

“Yes. I will write a draft tonight, and it will allow them to think things through so that they wouldn’t have any excuses later.”

“Sounds like a good idea to me. So, should we go?”

“Before that!” Fred cut interrupted and jumped to his feet, only to immediately sit back down when Vurrok let out a low growl. He only tried to ask me if he should open the door, but our guest must have misunderstood, as he continued in a much more subdued voice. “I just wanted to ask: we technically already agreed to the contract, right? So, could we move to different rooms?”

“I second the request,” the fembot backed him up right away, but before I could say anything, Elly shot them down using her business-voice.

“A contract is not a contract until everyone signed it in front of witnesses. Until that happens, you are not going to receive preferential treatment.”

The android let out a disappointed noise without her expression changing at all, which kind of reminded me of Judy, except not nearly as cute. Labcoat Guy, on the other hand, seemed to be about to argue, but another question from Vurrok about whether I could ask another Faun to change the guard so that he can go to the toilet made his face blanch and he stayed stiffly quiet.

Anyhow, once I promised the Faun to tell Brang, I linked my arms with Elly and we headed out, back into the sub-basement corridor. I could have Phased up at any moment, of course, but I decided to walk for two reasons. First, it was so we could talk and spend time together and maybe even flirt a little, if so that I could properly establish the line between that and just being friendly with someone of the opposite sex. As for the second reason, I was simply indulging myself. I mean, I was still unsure whether I ever experienced this mind-blowing, worldview-shattering thing people call ‘love’, but walking hand in hand with just the two of us like this gave me all kinds of warm, fuzzy feels, so I took it as the second-best thing.

While we strolled, I briefly explained to her what happened during the brief time we were separated, and by the time I finished, she was giving me a really odd look.

“So the Kage clan was about to pledge themselves to you, and you threw them out? Why?”

“It was technically just one elder,” I objected, only to receive a scoff for my trouble.

“Semantics! The important question is why you turned them down!”

“Because it was an unnatural development that had the fingerprints of the narrative all over it,” I told her frankly, and for some reason this time I received an outright groan in return.

“But that doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing! You act like the ‘narrative’ is your enemy instead of something you could take advantage of! I can think of at least ten things to do with my very own ninja clan if I had one, and you just kicked them out because you didn’t like the circumstances!”

“Ten things? Such as?” I asked, partially as a way to divert her attention, but mostly out of curiosity.

She immediately wiggled her hand out of my grasp, while still keeping our arms entwined, and she began counting on her finger with a look of utmost focus.

“Observation, infiltration, tailing, reconnaissance, information gathering, sabotage, spreading misinformation, assassination…” She stopped here for a long while, strain clearly visible on her forehead, but at long last she let out a defeated sigh and confessed, “Fine, so I could only think of eight things, but my point still stands.”

“True, but those are all things I could already do,” I responded by pointing out the obvious flaw in her reasoning. “In fact, with my abilities, I can do all of those things better than any ninjas with dubious concealment abilities.”

My girlfriend turned a pair of disapproving eyes at me, and out of nowhere, she suddenly asked, “Leo, what do you think is the most important quality in a leader?”

That threw me on a loop for a moment, but I figured she was trying to make a point, so I answered with, “The capability to inspire people?”

“That is important, but no. Dad once asked me this question, and the answer he gave me was ‘the ability to delegate’.”

“Delegate?” I repeated after her, and she firmly nodded in return.

“Yes. Not just to push tasks onto others, but to find the right person for the right job, so that by working together you can achieve a greater goal, or at least make it easier to accomplish.” She paused for a beat here while closely observing my reaction to her words, then she added, “Leo, think of a general. They order their troops not because they can’t shoot a rifle, but because while their soldiers do the shooting, they can focus on coming up with strategies or organizing supply lines. Do you understand what I’m trying to say?”

“… Just because I can do it myself, it doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have other people do it for me so that I can focus my attention elsewhere?” I hazarded a guess, and I was rewarded with a huge grin.

“Precisely! You said you can only focus on one person at a time with your Far Sight, so what if you miss something important because two events are happening at the same time? Wouldn’t having a few ninjas be useful for a situation like that?”

“I suppose…” I granted her, but then I hastily added, “But to be fair, I’m still a little lukewarm about this whole ‘leadership’ business.”

“Oh, don’t worry! Judy and I will fully support you!”

“That wasn’t—” ‘what I meant…’ is what I tried to say, but in the meantime we already returned to the main hall, and I was rudely interrupted by a small, red fur-ball flying towards us, literally bouncing off the ground once, and coming to a sudden halt right before me.

“Ue-sama! Why did you leave!?” the little fox whined while at the same time excitedly jumping in place, each leap taking her to my eye-level. “I was doing my best, showing off my amazing distressed damsel protecting techniques while thinking that ue-sama was watching in awe and appreciation, only for Evil Minion Number Two to tell me that you already left!”

My first reflex was to point out that she should have noticed that on her own without needing Karukk to point it out, but eventually I went with a conciliatory, “Sorry, my bad. I’ll watch you this time, okay?”

The little fox stopped bouncing and let out a soft ‘Yip!’ sound before performing a somersault that looked entirely implausible considering her rotundness and dashed away, beckoning us to follow after her. My girlfriend let out a soft giggle, apparently finding the foxy miko’s antics amusing, and so we headed towards the sparring area, where Rinne and the Fauns were awkwardly standing around and waiting for us to arrive.

At the end of the day, we sat down and watched the show, though to be perfectly honest, I wasn’t paying full attention. While Elly’s words regarding ‘delegation’ weren’t exactly mind-blowing, they were definitely food for thought, and I decided to use the opportunity to fully digest them, even if they would probably give me a stomachache, and now the analogy completely broke down. Maybe Judy was right and I was really bad at these? Oh well, that meant just another thing to digest while having my half-dragon girlfriend leaning on me and watching a small bouncy fox bamboozling a bunch of ram-headed musclemen while protecting a swordswoman who didn’t need protection inside a repurposed bomb shelter.

It’s times like these that reminded me that my life was weird even by this world’s standards, and more alarmingly, I found myself not caring about that the slightest. I only hoped things wouldn’t get even weirder… for a while. Sadly, that was the best I could realistically hope for…