The Simulacrum - Chapter 68.1

“All right everyone! Let’s play!” Angie exclaimed with an excited grin partially hidden being the meticulously painted cardboard folding screen in front of her.

For once, we were all gathered at Josh’s house, though it was hard to recognize the place at first glance due to how much we rearranged the living room. The big couch was moved to the side, and in its place we had the large dining table from the kitchen, with practically all the chairs in the Bernstein household arranged around it.

On said table there was a large, unfolded game board, and it was quite an eye-catching one. For a start, it was immense; easily the size of three A3 pages put side by side, and that wasn’t even all of them, as there were ‘secret’ areas that could be unfolded if someone landed on certain squares. Speaking of which, it also didn’t have a loop of squares like on a Monopoly board, but a huge bundle of hand-drawn paths branching and coming together seeming at random, forming the gameboard equivalent of a gordian knot. There were also a lot of illustrations on it, from traps spooky castles to dragons and minotaurs, all done in a cheesy yet charming style.

Beside the board we had the whole gamut of snacks befitting the situation, from various bottled diabetes inducers to off-brand cheese puffs covered in that annoying greasy yellow dust that got everywhere; a staple of tabletop roleplaying sessions. Or in this case board game roleplaying session, but let’s not pick at that nit right now.

At the head of the table (or at least as much as a square dining table could have one) sat Angie behind her lavishly illustrated DM folding screen. It was the eager Celestial who roped us into this, and while Josh, Elly, and Snowy were more than a little intrigued by the game, the rest of us mostly just followed along for the ride.

“Do you have your character sheets?” Angie asked for one last time, and after we all nodded or grunted in the affirmative, she lowered her voice and told us, in her best ‘ominous evil wizard’ impression, “Fufufu, wonderful! Let the adventure of a lifetime begin!”

By the way, she didn’t laugh there, she literally said ‘Fufufu’ out loud. I wondered if she had a scrip, a suspicion which was soon confirmed by her beginning to bombard us with exposition.

“Not all is well in the magical land of Elysium. War is on the horizon, as the evil wizard Garkonax has amassed a large army of orcs, undead, and gratonaki and invaded the kingdom of Winterspire!”

“I have a question,” my assistant cut in while raising a hand. “What is a ‘gratonaki’?”

“They are… um… let me see…” While muttering so, Angie shuffled some pages behind her screen, and once he found what she wanted, she told her, “They are demons.”

“What kind of demons?” I asked for clarity, but she just shrugged her shoulders.

“Just demons.”

“Then why aren’t they called that?” Josh asked the exact question on my mind, and his childhood friend could only shrug once more.

“I guess it is either branding, or to avoid religious terminology,” I assumed before popping a cheese puff into my mouth. “I bet that angels are also called something else to be less generic.”

“I think you are actually right,” the Celestial girl mumbled a tad absentmindedly while she began to shuffle her notes again (or on second thought, maybe it was the official rule book). “Found it. They are called ‘annunaki’.”

“Case in point,” I concluded, and with that tangent over, Angie cleared her throat and began to set the scene for us, obviously reading it up from a guidebook.

“Even though it is already nighttime, the famous Trollfang tavern of Icewindgate, the capital of Winterspire, is filled with the sounds of life. The main hall is painted orange by the light of dozens of candles, and while the air may be filled with smoke and the stench of cheap alcohol, it doesn’t bother the patrons at all. People from all walks of life gather here, and it is here where your journey begins.”

“How original,” I whispered, but then Judy kicked my shin under the table, so I wisely shut up.

“All of you have arrived here due to your own reasons and circumstances, yet this chance meeting will be remembered as the day you first embarked on HIGH ADVENTURE!”

“Don’t shout,” the class rep warned our overly enthusiastic DM, but Angie immediately shook her head and showed her the bundle of pages in her hand.

“But I have to. It says right here.”

“I… don’t think you are supposed to follow those to the letter,” my sister noted, and after a moment of thinking, the Celestial girl seemed to accept her objection and cleared her throat again.

“So, before our adventure begins, let’s introduce yourselves to each other. I mean, your characters, not you.”

“I’ll start,” Josh declared and put a card onto the table. Unlike in a ‘proper’ TRPG, a lot of the systems in this game were simplified in the name of streamlining. One of them was character creation; instead of building their own character, each player had to pick a class, represented by a card, with their own pre-set attributes and abilities, with only minimal customization. Even things like sex and race were purely cosmetic, and you couldn’t even pick your gear. Really, the only remotely impactful choice one could make was their alignment, but in Josh’s case, even that was set in stone.

“I’m Andronicus Lightrunner, a paladin of the holy order of Winterfrost!” He explained as he placed his token onto the starting field. “I’m on a journey to help the weak and defeat evil and stuff!”

Yeah, of course Josh would pick a paladin. Apparently he really liked the whole ‘knight in shining armor’ and ‘champion of justice’ thing. Typical protagonist behavior, if you ask me.

“I’m Florence Springbringer,” the princess followed after him, visibly excited by the prospect of the game. “I’m an elfen bard, and my elfish songs can heal and add numbers and do all kinds of other useful things!”

I shared a glance with Judy, and left it to her to explain the correct declension of ‘elf’ to my other girlfriend. In the meantime, it was the class rep’s turn to introduce her character.

“My character is called Milfeulle Flamechanter, and she is a wizard. She can throw fireballs.”

That was curt, but to the point, so after we all acknowledged her inner pyromaniac avatar, we moved on to Judy.

“I’m going to be Judith Shadowwalker, and I’m a rogue. I use my talents to redistribute wealth from the rich and give it to the poor.”

“Just a moment,” Josh raised his voice as he frowned at my girlfriend. “I’m not sure my character would be comfortable working with a thief.”

“Oh come on, man!” I objected in the company of a long groan. “We haven’t even started yet, and you are already doing this? Your alignment is Lawful Good, not Lawful Stupid.”

“Yes, but wouldn’t a good character also object to a thief?” he countered back, and I shook my head.

“Didn’t you hear her? She is a noble thief, kind of like Robin Hood. She steals from the one percent and gives it to the poor. Isn’t that good?”

“Technically, I’m mostly giving it to myself,” Judy pointed out, and when I sent her an annoyed glance, she simply added, “I’m poor.”

“Dormouse, if at all possible, please don’t undermine my efforts to defend you. I would really appreciate it.”

“I’m Chaotic Good, so I can’t make any promises.”

“Don’t worry Josh, there are no evil characters in the party. How about we move on to the next member?” Angie prompted us, and it was Snowy’s turn to introduce herself.

“I’m called Elriam Moonsinger. I’m a snow elf cleric, and I specialize in healing. It’s a pleasure to meet you all.”

“That leaves only you, Leo,” Elly prompted me, so I took a deep breath and began to speak in a low, rumbling voice.

“Good evening, fellow adventurers! I’m Grognar Nounverber! I was trained in the art of combat since I was a child, and I’m a certified fist-caster!”

“A what now?” Josh blurted out, and his neighbor immediately shared his sentiment.

“Stop messing around, Leo,” Angie called out to me with a frown. “There is no such class as fist-caster.”

“Of course there is! I stand before you, don’t I?”

In the meantime Judy used the opportunity to peek at my character card, and unceremoniously stated, “The Chief is a monk.”

“Come on, Dormouse! At least try to stay in character,” I grumbled, and after a momentary pause, my girlfriend gave me a curt nod.

“Arr, he be a monk I tell ye, ya scurvy landrubbers.”

“Hold on, since when are you a pirate?” my other girlfriend called her out, and my deadpan assistant could only shrug in response.

“I didn’t really come up with a character yet, so I used the first thing that came to mind.”

“Can we do that?” Elly asked with her eyes sparkling. “Can I be a pirate too?”

“No, you can’t,” Angie denied. “The land of Winterspire is landlocked, there are no pirates here.”

“Aw…”

“More importantly,” our DM raised her voice, and then cleared her throat before declaring, “All of you met in this tavern in a stroke of fate, and just on the day when a strange hooded man, followed by two heavily armed and armored bodyguards, enters the building.”

“Quest hook, take a shot,” I said and took a sip from my bottle of sugary drink.

“Hush, Chief. Just enjoy the tropes for once.”

In the meantime Angie ignored us and continued to spin her tale.

“The stranger looks over the people present and ultimately walks over to your table. His men follow after him.”

“Snowy, cast Detect Evil on him,” I whispered over to my sister, and she began to fumble with her character card.

“{Good evening, gentlemen and ladies}, the man greets you,” Angie continued, giving the man a posh British accent. “{I presume you follow an adventurous persuasion, do you not?}”

“We indeed do, my good fellow,” Josh answered in our stead.

“{Marvelous.} The man sits down at your table, his bodyguards remain standing. {I am in need of people with talents such as yours. It is for a very delicate matter which may decide the fate of the entire kingdom.}”

“That sounds serious,” Snowy mumbled in response.

“Also suspicious,” I pointed out before returning to character. “And who might you be, wee man, to talk about the fate of the kingdom?”

“{My identity is not important,} the man tells you,” Angie answered flatly, but I couldn’t leave it at that.

“Yes, it is! I, Grognar Nounverber, take no commissions from nameless, shady folk!”

My insistence apparently caught Angie off-guard, and after a few moments of deliberation, she decided to answer with and uncertain, “He… errr… Let me see… The man takes off his hood, and you all recognize him as the chancellor of the kingdom. He is—”

“Wait, did you just say chancellor?” I interrupted Angie’s narration while already holding my dice. “Does he have a goatee?”

“A goatee?” she asked back, obviously unbalanced by my sudden question. “I don’t know… let’s say he does.”

“I knew it! It’s an evil chancellor who is going to try to exploit us and then betray us at the last moment! I bet he is even going to gloat and everything!” I told the others, much to my dear assistant’s disapproval.

“Just because he has a goatee, it doesn’t automatically mean he is evil.”

“Well, no, but it is a statistically significant marker showing direct correlation. By the way, sis? How is that detect evil spell coming along?”

“Ah, right… Um, Angie? I want to cast this spell. What is the result?”

Our DM glanced between me and my sister until she finally gave up and told her, “Roll the dice.”

Snowy did just that, and after calculating her results including the modifiers, Angie looked up a table, then her notes, and soon she came to a conclusion.

“You cast a spell, and the man gives off a barely noticeable red glow.”

“Good enough for me!” I exclaimed and immediately rolled my dice. “I cast fist on his face!”

There was a long moment of silence at the table, at which point Judy buried her face in her hand and uttered, “You see Chief, this is why I said you shouldn’t play a Chaotic Neutral character.”

I had a snappy comeback on the tip of my tongue, but before I could say it, we were all surprised by the sound of another set of dice rolling on the table.

“I use smite on the man with the goatee!” Josh declared.

“Wait, why are you attacking him?” Elly muttered in a daze, apparently completely left behind by the sudden turn of events.

“He glows red, so it means he is evil,” Josh explained in a tone that said he considered this self-evident. “I’m a paladin, so I have to attack him because he is evil.”

“You don’t have to attack him!”

Angie’s objection might not have fallen on deaf ears, if not for another pair of dice landing on the table.

“I cast Flaming Bolts of Legemeton at the bodyguards. How much damage did I do?”

“Ammy? Whyyyyyyyy?” Angie cried out in (definitely) mock horror, and the class rep immediately readjusted her glasses.

“We are in combat. It only makes sense to hit your enemy with all of your firepower before they could react. Speaking of which, would also we get hit if I threw a fireball at them from this range?”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was how I managed to derail an adventure before it even left the station. What can I say? I only did what came naturally to me.

The rest of the game proceeded just as tumultuously, with stray fireballs, naked orcs, and a copious amount of loot, but that is a story for another time.