The Simulacrum - Chapter 86~ Part 4

My eyes popped wide open as an ominous chill ran down my spine, and I reflexively sat up in my bed. Then I paused and glanced down at the blankets covering me, and my apprehension turned into confusion. What was I doing in my bed? Was I sleeping? Why was I sleeping?

Still groggy, I kicked off the covers and rose to my feet, only to freeze in place when I realized that I was in my birthday suit. That was mildly alarming. Thankfully, it didn’t take long to find my boxers, as they were discarded on the floor. Right next to a pair of long socks. And laced panties.

“What the heck?”

At this point, I was kind of already expecting it, but seeing a naked Elly rising up from under the blankets in response to my words still made my brain throw up a blue screen of death.

“Morning, muffin.” After greeting me, she casually stretched her arms, putting her bare assets on full display.

Okay, so just to summarize: I woke up naked, with a similarly nude girl in my bed—

“What is it, Chief?”

Scratch that. Two girls in my bed, and on second thought, I was also feeling a little sticky. Q.E.D.: Some lewding must have happened.

“I’m pretty sure I’d remember that though…” I muttered as I tried to gather my thoughts, but before I could get anywhere, Elly flashed an impish smile and bent her finger to beckon me back to bed.

“Since we’re all awake, let’s start round six!”

“Round what?” I blurted out in alarm and raised my palms to hold her back. “Give me a second to center myself please.”

“Are you feeling unwell?” My bare— I mean, dear assistant cocked her head and added, “We just had a nap, and you usually don’t take a break until the ninth round.”

“Speaking of rounds, whose turn is it?” Elly mused, but before Judy could answer, she exclaimed, “Dibs!” and reached out towards me. I tried to step back, but my foot slipped on some suspicious fluid on the floor, and she grabbed hold of my arm. Before I could muster any resistance, she tugged on me with a mighty heave and a giggle, and I completely lost my balance. However, just before my face could land on her sizable cushions…

My eyes popped wide open, and I reflexively sat up in my bed.

“… Bloody what?”

After the first wave of undiluted, military-grade what-is-this-I-don’t-even washed over me, I glanced at my left and raised the blankets. Nothing. For a second I wasn’t sure whether I was relieved or disappointed, but a rising sense of exasperation quickly pushed both of those emotions aside.

Was that a dream? What kind of bullcrap is that?

No, wait. Before that, why was I in my bed in the first place? I don’t need sleep. It made no sense whatsoever, almost as if I was purposefully put here just for the sake of a gag. It’s like…

“Oh, bleep me in the bleep… Don’t tell me it’s that day again?” My phone was on the nightstand, so I checked the date, and my shoulders slouched in utter trepidation. “Well, crap. It is that day.”

Well, it wasn’t like I could do anything about it, so I resigned myself to just get it over with. This time I checked myself before crawling out of bed, and was glad to see that I was wearing pajamas. Mini-shoggoth print pajamas, to be exact, but it hardly mattered. Next, I explored the room for any sign of monkey business. To my surprise, nothing seemed to be out of order. I checked every nook and cranny, even under the bed, but my room remained staunchly ordinary. I took a deep breath and reminded myself that it didn’t mean everything was hunky-dory yet. Weapons-grade stupid could be lurking behind any corner, so I had to be vigilant.

Anyhow, since my room was fine, I set my sight on the rest of the house and cautiously made my way downstairs.

“Oh, look. I found the weirdness,” I muttered the moment I arrived in the living room, where Ellywas watching infomercials on the TV. While loosely covered from neck to toe in a white bed sheet. And wearing a white paper triangle on her head. Oh, and she was also both semi-transparent, and monochromatic. That didn’t bode well, and I was about to call out to her when I was intercepted by my sister.

“Good morning, Leo,” Snowy greeted me as she came out of the kitchen, wearing her maid costume and carrying a carton of milk in her hands. It says something  about my ‘ordinary’ life that the weird thing in this situation was the milk, and not her outfit.

“Hi, sis. So, I know I probably won’t get a clear answer, but let me ask just in case: what’s up with the princess?”

At first, Snowy blinked in surprise, but then her expression clouded over.

“It’s been two months since she died, hasn’t it?”

Now it was my turn to blink, followed by a skeptical, “She did what?”

“Eleanor was killed by my brother during the battle at the School,” she told me, and in the meantime, the princess noticed us and floated over. Huh. I guess that made her into a barefoot floating waifu. Neat.

“Hiiiii Leeeeeoooo…” she greeted me with an echoing voice and an ear-to-ear grin. Well, at least she was in high spirits. … Wait, was that a pun?

Before I could determine that, a new voice joined the fray in the form of my assistant, this time fully clothed, coming out of the kitchen as well.

“Poor dead love rival character who’ll never ever come back. We barely knew her before her untimely demise by getting hit with a refrigerator.” A dramatic pause later, she continued her exposition with an especially wooden, “Oh well. At least she served her purpose as a catalyst for your character development and her death is now your main motivation to get stronger and take vengeance upon Noire.”

“I… don’t even know where to begin,” I whispered as my hand automatically rubbed my temple. “Okay, first off, too meta. Secondly, where did Crowy even find a fridge in the middle of the track field? And last, but not least, what is her ghost doing over here?”

Judy followed my line of sight, but then she turned back to me and shook her head.

“Don’t be silly, Chief. Elly is completely dead and gone. If she was still around as a ghost, then her presence would maintain the love triangle, and we couldn’t have a completely monogamous and normal relationship.”

“Boooo!” my other, currently ethereal girlfriend voiced her dissatisfaction, but I ignored her for the time being and organized my thoughts.

“So… is this some kind of alternate universe where Elly was literally fridged to get rid of our triang relationship? Or maybe it’s another dream?”

“I… don’t really understand what you’re talking about,” Snowy murmured, and she was followed up by the princess.

“Meeeeee neeeitheeeeer…”

“If this was a dream, it would make us figments of your imagination,” Judy pointed out. “I vote for ‘parallel universe’.”

“Honestly, I don’t think it matters either way. This is so non-canon it almost hurts… but then I can remember the last three times this happened, so maybe it’s a separate canon?”

“Chief. You can’t tell me I’m too meta and then casually talk about these things.”

“Right, my bad.”

“Apology accepted. So, let’s rule out the dream hypothesis.”

Saying so, Judy raised a hand and lightly patted my cheek. Truth be told, after the surprise lewding situation I experienced just a few minutes ago, I was feeling a little awkward, so it took me a couple of seconds to ask the obvious question.

“Dormouse? Would you care to tell me what you’re doing?”

“I’m giving you a slap. If you are sleeping, it would wake you up.” She stopped patting me, and then declared, “Since you didn’t wake up, it means this isn’t a dream, therefore now we’re canon. Come, Chief. Let’s go and have some wholesome monogamous banter, and then you can swear eternal vengeance on Noire again, so that poor dead girl who already served her narrative purpose and no longer matters could rest in peace.”

“Booooo!” the princess echoed, but I once again ignored her as Judy gave me a clue.

“That’s actually not a terrible idea, it’s just that your execution was a little weak. Let me try.”

Without further ado, I raised a hand and delivered a solid slap onto my right cheek, at which point…

My eyes popped wide open, and I reflexively sat up in my bed.

“Okay, so that was a dream too, and— What the…?”

Once my eyes adjusted, I was immediately alarmed by the fact that I was not in my own bed. Or rather, it was a bed inside my room, but it was a positively enormous one, and on closer look there were… Two, four, seven… a lot of humps under the sheets.

“Hauu! Good morning, danna-sama!” Ichiko greeted me after a wide yawn, and she lazily squirmed out of under the blankets. For the record, she had pajamas on her. And so did the other girls, I hoped.

“Erm… I’m kind of afraid to ask, but why are we all sleeping in the same bed?”

The little girl drowsily rubbed her eyes while simultaneously stifling a giggle and told me, “Don’t be silly, danna-sama. Isn’t it natural for a husband to sleep with his wives?”

“… Wot?” She kept smiling at me like my reaction was really endearing, so I cautiously whispered, “Does that include you?”

“Of course, danna-sama. And also Judy-san, and Elly-san, and Snowy-san, and Angie-san, and Ammy-san, and Melinda-san, and Rinne-san, and Galatea-san, and Sahi-san, and Penny-san, and Cal-san and—”

“Since when was Cal a girl?” I blurted out, and the tiny miko let out another tinkling giggle.

“She always was.”

“… And I’m married to all of you.”

“Of course.”

“That’s silly even by harem standards. I’m out of here.”

One slap later, my eyes popped wide open and I reflexively… um… sat even straighter behind my desk at school?

Okay, that was definitely new.

I glanced around, and at first glance, I figured it was lunch break. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, which only made me all the more anxious. At this rate, we were steadily approaching what-the-hell levels I’ve last seen during the sheep-conspiracy incident, and I seriously didn’t want a repeat of that. Unfortunately, I didn’t have too much control over the situation. Still, at least things didn’t seem too bad this time around.

That is, until Armband Guy threw the sliding door of the classroom open.

“Leooo, my dear! So there you are!”

“… Me and my big mouth…”

The normally prim and proper Pascal, currently wearing mascara and holding a cloth-wrapped box, strutted over to me while exaggeratedly swaying his hips. He struck another pose, with a sideways peace-sign, and sent me a wink.

“The early bird catches the worm! Today, I’ll have you eat my homemade lunchbox!”

Oh shit. Please tell me I didn’t land in a yaoi narrative. I… don’t even know if that’s better or worse than the sheep-conspiracy.

I was just about to consider moving on via self-induced concussion, but I was stopped by a pair of soles suddenly appearing out of the blue and smacking me right in the face. I was, in sequence, first knocked out of my seat, then sent flying through the air spinning, right until I broke through the window, and following a beautiful ballistic trajectory, I sailed over the courtyard until suddenly and violently landing just outside the track field. Then I exploded. As in, with a fireball and everything. And strangest of all, none of that hurt one bit.

“L-L-Leo already promised he would eat lunch with me!” I could hear Elly’s unrealistically loud voice even down on the field, and it made me lurch up into a sitting position. Weirdly enough, aside from being covered in a layer of inexplicable soot, I was feeling completely fine.

“Okay, it’s official. I take mind-controlling sheep over this any day.”

“Sheep?”

Glancing over, I found Judy casually sitting on a bench just a couple of steps from where I landed.

“It’s a long story, and kind of irrelevant at the moment. More importantly, have I ever told you I hate slapstick comedy?”

She raised a brow, but she was beaten to the punch by the princess leaning out of the recently broken window and yelling out, “Hey, Leo? Are you all right?”

“Unexpectedly yes, though you should’ve thought about that before flying kicking me out of the classroom.”

“It was actually more of a dropkick, and—” All of a sudden she paused and rapidly  turned beet red before leveling an accusatory finger at me. “W-W-Wait! Y-Y-You didn’t see my p-panties, did you?”

“Of course I did—” ‘n’t’, is what I wanted to say, but before I could finish my sentence, Judy covered the distance between us in a split second.

She pulled one hand back, and after delivering the world’s most wooden “Pervert!” ever uttered in the history of the universe, she hit me with a rising dragon punch that sent me flying again, this time through one of the ground floor windows and into the hallway, where I hit the wall headfirst, bounced off, then slid across the floor on my face for a solid twenty meters before I came to a halt. Once again, without the slightest hint of pain. At most, I was only getting a little disoriented from all the crashing and bouncing.

After a long beat, I pushed myself off the floor, and as I glanced up, I found myself staring at… a pair of legs, with the crown of my head touching the hem of the skirt hanging over them.

“Oh for the love of—”

“Kyaaaa!!!”

It was only when I was already flying through the air that I realized that the voice, and therefore the legs, belonged to the class rep. Anyhow, after my short flight, and a few bounces, I came to a stop near the shoe lockers. This time I sneakily peeked around for any stray limbs before getting up, and once I concluded that I was in the clear, I rose to my feet and fixed my ruffled clothes. Honestly, I almost wished I was this durable in canon too.

My peace was short-lived though, as the princess came thundering down the stairs and lunged at me, grabbing hold of my neck before she began to shake me.

“Forget it!”

“For. get. wha. t. ?”

“My panties! Forget my panties!”

“I. can’t. for. get. some. thing. I. ha— Okay, that’s about enough.” Saying so, I grabbed hold of her hands to stop her from strangling me and repeated, “I said, I can’t forget something I haven’t seen.”

“Oh…”

In the blink of an eye, Elly turned red to the tip of her ears. I didn’t know if it was because I was still a little rattled, or because her reaction was awfully nostalgic, but I zoned out for a moment. Luckily for me, her eyes abruptly widened in surprise, and I reflexively let her go and ducked to the side, just in time to avoid a roundhouse kick that would’ve otherwise hit me right in the face.

“Cut it out, Dormouse!”

My dear assistant clicked her tongue and declared, “I can’t. I’m the possessive girl-next-door love interest who shows both jealously and affection with violence.”

“Are we even trying with the meta-commentary at this point?”

“Should we?”

“… Fair point. So, I suppose that makes the princess the awkward tsundere who hides her embarrassment with violence.”

“More or less.”

“I see. Now, I have only one question: what the heck is he?”

Judy followed my pointing finger, just in time to catch Armband Guy flying down the stairs.

“Leo, my love! Are you all right? Are you hurt anywhere?”

“He’s the flamboyant camp gay stereotype,” Judy told me matter-of-factly. “Every good slapstick comedy needs one.”

“That… is actually kind of disrespectful. And offensive. Also, I think I better leave before he gets here. Bye.”

Following the bext trusty self-inflicted slap, my eyes popped wide open and I reflexively slapped myself again, just before I was hit by a truck with ‘Isekai Delivery Services’ written on the front. I blinked once more, and now I was back in my classroom again… except everyone else was a girl wearing disturbingly tiny sailor uniforms.

“Nope.”

Slap, eyes popping, et cetera.

Still in the classroom, except everyone was a boy. And I was a girl.

“Double nope.”

Slap. Black classroom covered in spiderwebs and candles, with eclectically dressed students and a black-haired Elly dressed in a gothic dress standing in front of the class.

“Hi my name is Eleanor Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks and—”

“Okay, this is getting beyond silly,” I grumbled and slapped my other cheek for a change. It mightve triggered something, because this time when I opened my eyes, I was no longer in the classroom, but in Josh’s house. His living room looked the same as usual, and he and Angie were sitting in front of a familiar old-school CRT TV. Both of them were holding controllers in their hands, immersed in some kind of colorful racing game.

That is, until I sat up straight and the creaking springs in the sofa drew their attention. Angie greeted me with a surprised, “Hi, Leo,” while Josh’s eyes opened wide, and before I could say anything, he paused the game and threw his hand into the air.

“Oh, come on, man! Don’t get us involved in this bullcrap! It’s my day off!”

“I didn’t come here on purpose and… wait. We get off-days?”

“Of course we do, and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t drag us into whatever crazy soap-opera alien invasion conspiracy or whatever you’re doing this time around! We’re sick and tired of it!”

“Hey! I thought the sheepspiracy was amusing, so speak for yourself,” Angie protested, and after a beat, she stifled a chuckle and mumbled something about a ‘humanple’.

“My answer is still no! Whatever it is this time around, we’re not getting involved. Let’s get back to the race.”

“Are you sure you’re not saying that just because you’re in the lead?” Josh sent his childhood friend a sideways glance, and she broke out into giggles before leaning over and planting a peck on his cheek. “Just teasing ya. Don’t get mad.”

Well, that was… unexpected. Anyhow, I was just about to follow my friend’s wish and leave, but then paused with my hand already raised. Things around here were, well, pretty meta-aware, but otherwise relatively zaniness-free, so… why didn’t I just take the door? I mean, with the slap’s track record, I had a much higher chance of ending up in another parallel universe dream within a dream where we were all furries or something, so it was worth a shot at the very least.

“Well, it was nice meeting you guys. I won’t bother you anymore, so bye.”

“Yeah, bye,” Josh muttered, while Angie was too busy taking a tricky corner and only waved me goodbye with her shoulder.

Done with the formalities, I made my way over to the front entrance and took a deep breath before opening the door. Sure, the inside of the house was fine, but that didn’t mean things would be normal outside as well, so I steeled my nerves to whatever the world might throw at me. The door opened, and…

“… An orangutan riding a Segway in a featureless white void,” I uttered in absolute trepidation. “Have we actually fallen this low? Are we really at the point where we are just throwing a monkey into the mix to see if it sticks? That’s the lowest form of comedy!”

“Technically an orangutan is an ape, not a monkey,” Angie informed me from the inside, while Josh repeatedly emphasized, “Don’t get involved, don’t get involved…” like a mantra.

Meanwhile, I focused my attention on the ape rocking back and forth on the vehicle in front of me, and asked, “Okay, I bite. What’s the gimmick?”

There was a long, awkward pause, but then the orangutan sheepishly cleared his throat and said, in a pleasant baritone, “I’m afraid this is it.” Noticing my disapproval gaining physical form on my face, he tugged at a nonexistent collar and ventured, “I… could honk the horn? That would be funny, I think?”

I remained silent for a long while, then very slowly raised both my hands up to shoulder level, and slapped both my cheeks at once with righteous anger and unadulterated exasperation, and the white void around me gave way to darkness.

…

“Who spilled orange juice over the Simulacrum!” the indignant voice of The Woman echoed in the not-dark not-room, but nobody came forth to take responsibility.

“H-How do you even do that?” The Boy muttered in a mixture of awe and bewilderment.

“I have no idea, but the whole thing is drenched in it, and it’s causing all kinds of bizarre anomalies to happen,” The Woman fumed. “We can’t even reset it until it dries out! At least it happened outside of canon. Imagine the consequences otherwise!”

“I’d rather not…”

“So, what do we do now?” The Man injected himself into the conversation.

“I don’t think we can do anything other than wait.”

“In that case, why don’t we go on a road trip?” The Girl butted in, and surprisingly enough, The Woman agreed with her.

“That’s not a terrible idea. It feels like we’ve been stuck in this room for years. Let’s go on a vacation.”

“Yaaay! Let me pack my swimsuit, and we can go!”

“I’m not driving,” The Man bellyached, but even he seemed to be at least a little affected by The Girl’s enthusiasm, and in a few short eternities, they all left the not-dark not-room. Leaving me all alone with the Simulacrum.

“So this is it,” I muttered as I grabbed the orange-juice soaked trapezohedron made of triangles with internal angles adding up to one hundred and eighty-one degrees and a bunch of squared circles. “With this, I can finally get rid of all of this craziness. I can do whatever I want! Ha… Hahaha…. MUHAHAHAHAHAAAA! Ha!” I took a deep breath, shook the thing in my hand, then added, “Well, at least as soon as it dries.”

I tried blowing on it, but it didn’t seem to do much. At this rate, it would take something like… I don’t know. About three hundred sixty-five days, I guess?

…

Wait. That’s a year.

“Oh, bloody hell! Come on author! Do I seriously have to wait until next year? Seriously?” I didn’t receive any answers, so I shook my head and muttered, “Oh well. In that case, happy April Fool’s Day, I suppose. See you next year.”